StringsAndSticks Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 Let’s see, where do I begin? Well, it's about a woman that I work with at my second job. I flirt with her ALL THE TIME, and she eats it up. Every time I compliment her, she blushes and gets this big grin on her face.... And nothing is off the table either, I've said sweet things, sexual things, kinky things, none of it seems to bother her at all. She actually seems to LIKE it. Another layer to the story is, we have this running joke that we "roofied" each other's drinks. So, when we're hanging around after work and say, she goes to the bathroom, I'll write a note implying that I drugged her drink, and put it on top of the glass under a coaster, and she'll do the same to me, etc. So, one night a few weeks ago, we're sitting at the bar after work, she goes to the bathroom, so I write "I hope you don't mind passing out and waking up being chained up, because....", put it on her glass of wine and we got a pretty good laugh out of it. Anyway, the next weekend, I was in Maryland visiting a friend of mine, and she sends me a picture of the slip, and says "This is the only way I'm going to get through this weekend." So, we text back and forth a few times, and I tell her about how I'm going to chain her up, and continue to flirt with her, then she accuses me of trying to drive her crazy, and I tell her, “if you REALLY need me to drive you crazy, that could be arranged.” Then she replies, “where do I sign up for that?” So, we exchange a few more messages and then I head off to bed. Now here's where my problem starts.... She is VERY hot and cold with her messages and her body language. It's like one day she's on board, and the next, not even a reply. I DON'T GET THIS GIRL! Another example, just this past Thursday, I had stopped in after band practice just to have some drinks. Well, she's standing at the end of the bar, and I'm standing next to her as we're both talking to people sitting at the bar, so, I think to myself…. "OK, what the hell, let's see what happens here," and I reach over and grab her hand, and hold her hand for like 2 minutes.... She's not pulling away at all, she's even squeezing mine a little bit every now and then. Now, granted, I have held her hand and kissed it many times before, but not like THIS. Then, right before I leave, we hug our goodbyes, then right as we're going to release the hug, she squeezes me one last time. Then I point to these 3 little "beauty marks" she has on her shoulder and I tell her "these are the sexiest beauty marks ever," and I kiss them. She grabs my hand, squeezes it, and then heads out front to lock up, and I make my way out the back door.... Again, she didn't pull away, didn't "freeze up," NOTHING. Here's my problem.... I wanna actually kiss this girl, and see where it goes, but I just get the feeling that she's not really interested in me in "that way." Just based on how hot and cold she seems to be. Also, I wonder if our ages have something to do with it. I'm 43 (only a year or 2 younger than her parents), and she's 25. So, maybe that is having an effect on her too? I just don't know where to go from here. Do I pursue this? Do I back off? Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks again!
kendahke Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated. Don't poop where you eat. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 Yes age might have something to do with it. My quick response is that the flirtation here is way way beyond the actual relationship ... So it's time for you guys to have a real talk. Either ask her out or cut out all this bdsm flirting. Seems to me she could be just having fun ... or having fun and interested. You know it is risky to do this with a colleague? I mean, are you OK with the company discovering your texts or her posting them? You do know that her sharing these texts would easily qualify as harassment. Time to have the direct talk ... find out what she's interested in ... and dude, be careful... sometimes the flirting is way more fun than the reality. Like, do you want a relationship with this woman? ... Casual and fwb relationships with work colleagues ... are notoriously unstable and explosive.
Fekenaws Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 Too much flirting going on here, get down to business already. Ask her to come to your place for dinner and a movie. Her answer will determine if she just liked your attention or if she was genuinely interested.
mark clemson Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 So, when we're hanging around after work and say, she goes to the bathroom, I'll write a note implying that I drugged her drink, and put it on top of the glass under a coaster, and she'll do the same to me, etc. You sure you want to be doing stuff like this with a woman you work with? 1
preraph Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 Yes, likely your age is putting her off. But also, you've not asked her on a date, only made lascivious comments, so don't know what you're waiting for. Kissing before you've even asked her on a date?
elaine567 Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 You need to be up front with your intentions and she either goes "Oh no, sorry I was only messing around..." or "Yes Saturday night sounds great..." The problem with work situations like this is that some people like to fill their time up with "fun" to pass the time and people who would not normally hang out together get forced together. So whilst this racy flirting is getting you all fired up, she may just see it as "fun". I have seen this before. Woman targets "unsuitable" guy at work - older, married, geeky, shy... etc and starts the flirting, he is interested +++. She eggs him on, the flirting becomes more and more outrageous until he either gets the joke and plays along or he goes off in a huff... Here, I think the hot and cold thing may be a sign she is not serious about you, it may all just be workplace banter and joking around when she is in the mood... But nothing ventured, nothing gained. Do it soon, the limbo will kill you otherwise. Best to know where you stand, even if it isn't good news. 1
crispytoast Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 Joking about drugging each other's drinks is a really unfunny joke. Also this has the potential to blow up on you and really mess a lot up for you. The only advice I will give you is be very careful because you are walking a very thin line. 5
OnlyHonesty Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 A friend of mine that had a high paying job in finance used to do this. After the flirting became out of control, the girl made a complaint. Now my friend is cleaning toilets.... From what I could gather, she started to worry about how it looked to everyone else. Moral of the story.....don't piss in your own cornflakes.... 2
OnlyHonesty Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Joking about drugging each other's drinks is a really unfunny joke. Also this has the potential to blow up on you and really mess a lot up for you. The only advice I will give you is be very careful because you are walking a very thin line. Those little paper slips could be used in court as evidence. Definitely playing with fire there. 3
healing light Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Never, ever put rape jokes in writing like this. If things go south with this girl, regardless of whether you decide to date her, it could blow up with legal ramifications, job loss, etc. You do not know how mentally stable this woman is....Even if it just got in the hands of the wrong person... My advice would be to get a different second job if you want to ask her out unless colleagues dating is not going to make things awkward in the workplace and your company's policies are fine with it. 1
chillii Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Yeah pretty well agree with others l mean all this stuff is just talk , there's nothing real. And some women or is she just a girl , how old is she, will lap that up just for the fun of it knowing though it's all just crap that doesn't amount to anything, hence the hot and cold. Unless you get off the pot and try actually taking this somewhere real, just expect more of the same. But eh , as a few have said, work stuff can get ugly, up to you.
salparadise Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 (edited) Don't be that guy that talks a big game and doesn't have the chutzpah to back it up. Nobody likes a dick-tease, and I'm sure the same is true on the flip side. Never put anything in writing that could be interpreted as illegal, offensive, improper, or harassing if viewed through a more scrutinizing lens. If the age difference were a big deal she wouldn't be engaging in this sexualized play. I think there are at least as many women who prefer older men as there are who act like it's poison. This is almost entirely a female bias having to do with the fear of aging out and stuff like that. In hindsight, I only regret the risks I didn't take. You know what grandpa said in 'Little Miss Sunshine' dontcha? Don't be a weenie. Edited August 21, 2019 by salparadise 1
Maggiemay1 Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 I think she is building a rapport to file for sexual harassment and a pay out! She is clearly NOT interested in you so her actions are for an entirely different reason. Joking about date rape is disgusting. Why would you do that??? 3
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 I realize you both think you're just messing around, but putting jokes like in writing is a terrible idea. You don't know who might get their hands on these notes, or if she will someday be pissed off enough with you to use your own words against you. Just not smart at all, and you are old enough to know better, man. Ask her out. On a proper date. See how she responds. If she balks, then you can be sure you were just a fun distraction while her mind was unoccupied and she wanted some attention. Either that or she was only ever interested in sex, which is a risky proposition when you work together. 1
smackie9 Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 You are so getting played....dude there is trouble, you are best be getting your head out of the clouds and snap out of it. Stop this before it turns into a court case. 1
boymommy Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 I am really not trying to offend you but from the way you talk you both sound like you are into the game more then anything else. But hey thats cool, if casual, no strings kinky sex is what you both want just make sure you are both on board with that beforehand. Its been my experience though that rarely does that EVER work out because someone always ends up wanting more at some point (even if you WERE both on board in the beginning!) Plus its much more complicated given you work together! The reason she is driving you nuts is because you cant predict what she is going to do next. However at 43, I feel like you are too old to be chasing after some immature 25 year old who is playing games. Especially if it could negativity effect your job. 1
spiderowl Posted August 22, 2019 Posted August 22, 2019 I really do not know what is going on here. She seems to be participating. I agree with other posters that you should stop putting in writing (or texts/emails) anything other than friend or business-like communications. If you ask her out, you will find out whether she sees you as more than someone to joke with. The age gap is an issue. I guess there are women who will go for men that much older than them. I would not have at her age. I hope you are not misinterpreting her responses and assuming she is enjoying this kind of attention if she is not. If she says no to a date, you will know where you stand. If she says yes, then great, enjoy! If she says no, be very careful what you say/do thereafter. 1
Rocker71 Posted August 22, 2019 Posted August 22, 2019 When in doubt... leave it out. If you have to make a thread here about not being sure if a girl is into you she's not. When you encounter a woman who is into you, you will have zero doubt like this. Plus, this whole thing went in a bad direction. With the roofie bdsm jokes is just screaming for you to be #metooed In addition to that you're chasing her. Not good. If I were you I'd back off and maybe even find another job. You never try for workmates. It never ends well. You're 43! You should not have to be told this.
schlumpy Posted August 22, 2019 Posted August 22, 2019 There's a conflict going on in her mind about you so if you wish to resolve it you need to step up to the plate and take a swing. It's the only way you will find out.
Author StringsAndSticks Posted August 22, 2019 Author Posted August 22, 2019 Thank you for the responses everyone, they are greatly appreciated. Although, I think some of you kinda got the wrong idea that I'd like to clear up. The whole "slips on the drinks" thing is just a joke, that everyone there knows about (which SHE started, by the way), and obviously she knows, and everyone else knows that I would never do something like that for real. Plus, that's such a minor part of the story. Secondly, my past 2 girlfriends are actually younger than her, but the whole age thing could certainly be a sticking point for her (although, she actually thought I was 10 years younger than I actually am when we first met), and if it is, I can certainly understand that. I'm not looking to pop the question here or anything (although, we have joked around about "when we get married," etc.), just thought maybe she'd like to know what's it's like to have someone actually treat her good for once in her life.... As she's told me on quite a few occasions, "you're too good to me...." Which, based on things I know about her past, I guess I can see why she may think that. I don't know.... What she seems to consider "too good," I just consider "normal." But, anyway, I'm getting off track here. Thank you very much for all your responses, everyone! They were certainly thought provoking.
Mrin Posted August 22, 2019 Posted August 22, 2019 Son, I think you might be dancing past the ****ing hour.
Author StringsAndSticks Posted August 22, 2019 Author Posted August 22, 2019 Son, I think you might be dancing past the ****ing hour. I'm sorry, I don't even know what this means.
kendahke Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 everyone else knows What everyone else knows has nothing to do with how the company's lawyers would look at the evidence you both have left in your wakes with notes, etc... the cleaning people empty the trash, your crumpled up "I'll put a roofie in your drink" falls out, they pick it up, open it and read it and turn it in to one of the VP's of the company who turns it over to the lawyers who call HR who call you, since "everyone else knows" whose banter this is... 1
Author StringsAndSticks Posted August 23, 2019 Author Posted August 23, 2019 What everyone else knows has nothing to do with how the company's lawyers would look at the evidence you both have left in your wakes with notes, etc... the cleaning people empty the trash, your crumpled up "I'll put a roofie in your drink" falls out, they pick it up, open it and read it and turn it in to one of the VP's of the company who turns it over to the lawyers who call HR who call you, since "everyone else knows" whose banter this is... OK, barring the fact that this is such a minor part of the situation.... There's 8 of us. The two owners, two chefs, me and three other girls. There's no cleaning people, VPs, or HR. I understand your concern, but again, this isn't the point of the post.
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