Integrity or leave?

[Integrity777]

If you loved your SO and you believe they do too, would you leave them if they had a habit of lying about certain things, such as money? Would it make a difference if both don't live together? Even if the lying has no direct impact on you, does it make them less reliable overall or worse (a bad person, etc.)?

 

What if you can "justify" the lying b/c they are too ashamed to tell the full truth?

 

Does it matter that it happens too often?

[introverted1]

I wouldn't want to be with someone whose natural defense, whether because of shame or something else, was to lie. And someone who would lie about money is someone I couldn't have a future with so, unless it was a very casual situation, what would be the point?

[Integrity777]

When I catch him in the lies, he says I lie to him and my adult son - in particular, I do downplay my relationship with my SO b/c my son feels uncomfortable about him and with him; so I don't share much information with my son and when asked by my SO, I leave the answers brief. Not sure how this "justifies" his lying over and over and despite him telling me he won't do it again.

[SumGuy]

For me it is the totality of the circumstances.

 

 

What are they lying about? Why are they lying? Who is hurt (if anyone) by this lie?

 

 

Also in your case do they know you know it is not true? If so they may really be lying to themselves. Are they just being positive, wishful, denial or delusional?

 

 

If everything else is great and they don't lie about other things then I would tend to work with them on it. If things are so, so, and this seems to be part of a pattern I'd be concerned.

[SumGuy]

When I catch him in the lies, he says I lie to him and my adult son - in particular, I do downplay my relationship with my SO b/c my son feels uncomfortable about him and with him; so I don't share much information with my son and when asked by my SO, I leave the answers brief. Not sure how this "justifies" his lying over and over and despite him telling me he won't do it again.

 

 

 

For me this goes to the what, why and who is hurt. Not all lies are equal. We all know this, we even have a term for it, white lies. The trouble is when we conflate unacceptable lies with those that may be harmless or even prevent harm.

 

 

For example, if you had a friend with an abusive husband, and the husband shows up drunk at your door wanting to know if she is there (and she is) you may well say no. That's a lie, but also an acceptable and maybe even right thing to do in my opinion (that and call the police).

 

 

Your "lie" is meant to protect your son, and your SO as well it seems. It is not an outright lie, and may not even be misrepresentation intended to mislead (which is technically also a lie). Even if it is a "lie" you are protecting your child in a way that is common and should frankly even be lauded. It really is your business how much you tell anybody about your relationship or its seriousness.

 

 

May sound odd, for me the response of the person lying when confronted with the lie can be more important to me than the lie. His response is not winning him any points here.

[Gaeta]

When I catch him in the lies, he says I lie to him and my adult son - in particular, I do downplay my relationship with my SO b/c my son feels uncomfortable about him and with him; so I don't share much information with my son and when asked by my SO, I leave the answers brief. Not sure how this "justifies" his lying over and over and despite him telling me he won't do it again.

 

 

Your son doesn't like your boyfriend, your boyfriend lies to you repetitively, he plays passive aggressive when you discover his lies, and your bf is ashamed of many things he lies about.

 

 

 

No, I would not be with this man.

 

 

 

When your adult children don't like your boyfriend it's because they're on to something.

[Integrity777]

Help! He tells me today he only had $900 of bills to pay - that's true but that's after he rushed and paid the $500 of bills yesterday after his denial of owing $1500 the day before with me. What a POS!

[Gaeta]

Help! He tells me today he only had $900 of bills to pay - that's true but that's after he rushed and paid the $500 of bills yesterday after his denial of owing $1500 the day before with me. What a POS!

 

 

If you don't live together why does he have to report to you what he does with his money? or what bills he has to pay?

[Integrity777]

because he is "proving to me" that he can be relied on to live with me financially.

[kendahke]

You again with the boyfriend you don't want to take care of and your son hates?