HELP! what's wrong here?

[housebaby]

So. I met this guy - and we really hit it off, and have a very strong emotional, mental and spiritual connection. We have not had too much physical contact yet (besides "peck on lips" kisses, hugs, and cuddling). Mainly we relate to each other on every other level except have held back on the physical aspect.

 

Here's the thing, He told me that he was in a relationship (with honesty):

 

This is a really bad relationship. She is always angry, and they constantly fight. They don't spend much time together (he's been spending more time with me in the past 3 weeks since we met). They havn't been physical for over a month (no kisses, sex, etc). They can't even talk to each other without getting agrivated.

 

He has tried in the past 5 months to break it off with her - but every time he does - she says she'll change, and all that....and resorts to threatening suicide if he dumps her.

 

Now, he's basically afraid of hurting her so badly that she does something very drastic.

 

We have been spending more time together, and he has told me that he thinks about me alot, and that he is very happy with me or when I am talking to him. I give him encouragement, compassion, understanding and respect (which he also gives me).

 

What I want to know is: if he's as interested in me as he says, why isn't he just breaking it off with her? why isn't he making physical advances? could it be that his conscience is getting in the way of our physical advances?

 

What should I do? I want to be there for him (if nothing else - then a friend) I do find myself thinking about him alot....and whenever I need to ask him for clarity - he gives me the answer BEFORE I GET A CHANCE TO EVEN ASK! It's like we are connected - but not.

 

So confusing! I would like him to just end it with her, but he does care about her well being (but says he doesn't have "love" or "attraction" feelings for her). Should I believe him? or head for the hills?

[Art_Critic]

He is using you .. Plain and Simple

 

Do you really want someone who will cheat on you as soon as the relationship starts to go south ?

 

His side of the relationship is based on using you to help him emotionally get the strength to leave her.. Once he has done that you will most likley be surprised on on much he will change.

[housebaby]

He is using you .. Plain and Simple

 

Do you really want someone who will cheat on you as soon as the relationship starts to go south ?

 

His side of the relationship is based on using you to help him emotionally get the strength to leave her.. Once he has done that you will most likley be surprised on on much he will change.

 

What do you think he's using me for? It's definitely not sex!

 

He was really honest with me about the situation...and that's why I think it may be worthwhile. He could have not said anything and I would be none the wiser.

 

But I would like to hear why and how you think he is using me...and what should I do? tell him that I think he's using me? or just say good bye charlie?

[Art_Critic]

His side of the relationship is based on using you to help him emotionally get the strength to leave her..

 

That is how he is using you ..

 

Don't believe him about their relationship.. There are 3 sides to every story.. So he most likely he IS having sex with her.

 

Personally if I was in your position I would say see ya.. Until you deal with your lfe issues and get back on your feet..

 

What do you need All of his Drama for ?? There will be alot more that he hasn't told you about ..

 

Are you trying to help him ? Save him ? Fix him ?

 

He isn't in a good enough emotional health to have a real relationship with you.. You need to see this..

[georgiagirl76]

Relationships can be hard enough with just two people but you are in one with three whether or not you want to see it.

 

Art Critic is right- just because you aren't having sex doesn't mean he isn't emotionally using you or his girlfriend. There are many ways to cheat on someone- emotionally sometimes is worse than with sex. What makes you so sure that he wouldn't "be honest" with another woman about you when things got tough instead of working things out.

 

If you aren't careful you are going to end up on the breaking up/coping forum because you are going to get hurt. Regardless of how bad the other person is- or is made out to be by the boyfriend- she is his girlfriend and you are consenting to him being with you and another woman at the same time. Therefore you are sending him a very strong message about how you feel about relationships.

 

You should respect yourself enough to demand emotional intimacy from a man that can give that 100% to you and not split it 60/40 with another woman.

[housebaby]

I am not in denial - I know it's wrong. I don't want to be the "other woman" at all. But the thing is: we've never discussed being in a real relationship...it's not "labeled" yet.

 

I think that I will tell him that I can only be there as a friend until things are 100% over between them. All I know is that I don't want to rush any of this...I barely know the guy, and I think we connect very well - if nothing else I would like to be friends with him...and maybe over time I can decide what I want to do.

 

I really appreciate the advice, and welcome more input here......

[JayKay]

Be careful...

 

a lot of OW/MM affairs start off 'innocently'. They are actually not that innocent. They are 'emotional affairs' which usually lead into physical affairs.

 

If this guy is miserable, he needs to be an adult and break it off with this woman. If she is truly suicidal, he needs to call 911 and have her admitted to the psych ward of a hospital for evaluation.

 

If he feels 'connected' to her in some way, then maybe what he really needs is relationship counseling. Perhaps they still love each other but are in a rough patch that will eventually smooth out. Most couples go through rough periods where 'someone else' looks very appealing.

 

But if you read these OW/MM threads, you'll see that very frequently, involved men do go back to their original partners....despite having complained about them extensively to the OW.

[LucreziaBorgia]

As long as you tolerate and condone his keeping his g/f, he will continue to do so. If you want him for yourself, you have to knock him off the fence. The kicker though, is that there is no telling what side of the fence he is liable to fall down on.

 

Just let him know that you do not want to be the 'other woman', you want to be the 'only woman' and until he is free to have that sort of relationship with you - you would rather he not be in contact with you at all. That way he can tie up his loose ends, and you can be moving forward with your life as well. You have to think of it not as 'waiting' or 'taking a gamble that he will end up with you' - you have to see it as 'walking away and continuing to move forward' without looking back. Either he will come running after you, or he won't. There is no need to let that affect your forward movement either way.

 

If she is truly suicidal, he needs to call 911 and have her admitted to the psych ward of a hospital for evaluation.

 

This advice is truly what will get this woman the help she needs. Even if she never intends to actually kill herself, the fact that she uses such drastic passive aggressive threats and emotional blackmail sugggests that she needs help in general.

[housebaby]

Thanks for the replies everyone!

 

Just to clarify: He is not married to her - nor does he live with her. They havn't been together very long and she is quite young (she's 20, he's/I am 25) and this is her first real relationship.

 

He knows that she needs help, he's told her this - and she won't go for it. He has tried to break it off 3 times, and she just continues to prolong it at all costs...even though he is emotionless and closed off to her. He isn't coming to me acting innocent either - he tells me what he has done wrong, the downfalls and that she has been very infatuated with him ... that she doesn't want to deal with reality. Although this week, she hasn't been mentioned at all.

 

He has expressed to me that weather or not he and I have anything, or even weather or not he met me (and hit it off) --- he would be ending it (and has been trying for over a month), because they are making each other miserable...and his support system (friends/family) are also telling him that nobody deserves to be controlled this way.

 

Art Critic: You are right. I think I am trying to "save" him from this. I usually get into these situations with guys who need "help"...I think I need to sit and evaluate what I want here, and what I deserve!

 

I feel like it's a crossroad for me - either he ends it with her and we can proceed to get to know each other...or I retreat until things are figured out....

 

now - HOW DO I SAY IT WITHOUT IT SOUNDING LIKE AN "ULTIMATUM"??

[LucreziaBorgia]

HOW DO I SAY IT WITHOUT IT SOUNDING LIKE AN "ULTIMATUM"??

 

"You and I have a lot going on in our lives right now that is making it hard for us to start a relationship. I think we should both take a step back and take care of our business we already have before we start this new relationship. I want us to start with a clean slate, and without any ongoing emotional baggage. You will need time to make your break, and get your heart back together before we will have a chance.

 

I think the easiest way for that to happen is if we agree to give ourselves X amount of time to get the ending processes going, and take a full break from each other in the meantime so that there will be no distractions from ending things. I am going to be right here for you, since I am interested in being with you, but I can't promise you that I will wait for much longer than X amount of time. I have my own life to live, and while I would love for you to be there with me I can't deal with being the 'other woman'. I want to be your 'only woman'. After X amount of time and after you have taken care of your breakup, lets talk about this and see where we stand."

[housebaby]

Thanks for the reply!

 

I will try this, and I think that I just need the "right" time/opportunity to bring this up to him.

 

This has been very different for both of us. I've usually jumped into relationships not knowing what the person was about (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, morally) and ended up finding out there as no more than a physical connection/attraction....and he has done the same.

 

This time around, there is a mutual respect/understanding and we can discusss/debate freely and share experiences/views/beliefs and we can talk about anything and everything...even the good bad and the ugly. We've had many similar experiences in life, and we can relate very strongly to each other.

 

This is what I wouldn't want to lose. I can see so much more once the ripples in the water calm. I think that I would rather tell him that I won't be the "other woman" - and if nothing else, I would rather be a friend/confidante.

 

I'm sure he will understand my position...this way, we don't really have to say good-bye - and we can continue to get to know each other, and when things smooth out ... try for more.

 

In an honest opinion, do you think this is that unacceptable? Is it still bad to befriend someone, before labelling it a "relationship"? I really don't want to say good bye to someone who is (if nothing else) a great person to spend time with?

[newbby]

it is not unnacceptable if you make the line very clear and do not cross over it. that is anything the goes beyond normal friendship. use other friendships to check this.

[JayKay]

It sounds like you have a nice friendship with this guy.

 

It concerns me though that he can't seem to end the relationship...or whatever it is....he has going on with this emotionally fragile woman. He needs to stop assuming responsibility for her actions....and he needs to STOP encouraging the 'infatuation' she has for him.

 

When people don't end toxic relationships like these you may assume;

 

(1) They receive some kind of benefit from the relationship (i.e. feeling 'needed' or 'special')

 

or

 

(2) They are not emotionally mature enough to face the other person's anger, upset or any probably repercussions.

 

 

I would consider his inability to end things a big red flag and not proceed any further until he can get this part of his life together.

[housebaby]

Thanks for all of the replies everyone!

 

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I mustered up the right words last night. It's all cleared up now. I expressed to him that this situation was making me uncomfortable...and that I simply wasn't o.k with the fact that he's still attatched.

 

I told him that it would be the best idea to be friends...that I enjoy his company, and respect him - that we could make everything so much less complicated by labelling this a "friendship" and keeping it that way.

 

If it materializes when things are over between them -GREAT...if it doesn't-GREAT...we each would still end up with a good friend (if nothing else). And it went great! I feel better, and so does he.

 

He expressed that he was sorry for causing me any confusion or pain, and that he didn't want me to feel like the 'other woman', never wanted to pressure me for any more than I gave. He said that he has never really connected with a girl the way he's connected with me - and he is really glad we cleared the air, because he never wanted to drag me into it (it just kinda happened-----I am the kind of person who is very understanding and compassionate, easy to talk to and discreet....)

 

So. Today is much better - I know where I stand and where this is going. I don't feel guilty or confused anymore!!