inituptomyeyeballs Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 I've been reading some posts; if I didn't already feel like a stupid girl, these forums would have done the trick. Look, I've been seeing a mm for about seven months. He said he felt unloved, they don't even sleep in the same bed, blah blah blah. He tried asking for a divorce a couple months ago, and she flipped out. She told him it'd change. It did for a while and then things went back to the way they were. They fight, they scream, they don't talk for weeks. So, he asked her for a divorce again and now they're better. For now. I can't take the roller coaster, and I don't see how they can. But, whatever. I asked myself if he would drop everything for me if I flipped out the way she did, and I couldn't answer, because for one thing, I don't act like that and for another, I don't want to know. I do love him, and I never have felt like this before. The sex is only overshadowed by our friendship. I know he won't leave her, and I honestly wouldn't respect him if he did- she's sick. Physically, that is, and she really isn't a stable person. I know he loves me. And, I believe him when he says he'd be with me if he could. I know cheaters cheat, so I don't even know if I could trust him in a relationship, he's admitted to having two other affairs years ago. OK, so I've made up my mind that better things (single, available things) are out there and that the sexual relationship is over, because I can't handle feeling like a piece of crap anymore. But, I don't want to lose his friendship. I wonder if it's OK to stay friends.
newbby Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 This is what I did and believe me, it doesnt work. For one thing, he is still lying to you, for another, that lying will only continue and get worse the more desperate he gets for you to continue the affair with him, and he will be. I have been friends with my mm for about 9 months since the actual affair ended, but during that time I have slipped up a couple of times. They are 10 times more charming and convincing once you have stopped giving them what they want, it is extremely hard to resist once your feelings are already there. You are much better off just trying to get over it and doing nc. The reasons he says he cant leave and his version of their relationship, is probably not very close to the reality. I'm sorry that you are going through this.
Author inituptomyeyeballs Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 Actually, most of what he told me was confirmed by her. She's talked to me a couple of times and basically, she pretty much hates him but won't leave because she's afraid that she won't have anyone to take care of her if and when her condition gets worse. She's probably right, her own kids can only take so much of her. (again, not from him, from the source) She said she wants to make sure she can f**k him over on her way out the door. I thought maybe she was just saying that to see of I'd tell him, but she's doing things now like messing up the paperwork for his business so he falls behind. Of course, as she's doing this, she's screwing up any means for him to take care of her, but she doesn't get it. When I said she was unstable, that came from my own observations and what other people have said. Nope, pretty much all the reasons he's given me for not being able to leave are valid. Not that it makes me feel any better about the situation. I know I shouldn't talk to him anymore, and I know we ruined any friendship we had by crossing the line. It's just that, I've never met anyone that I can talk to every day the way we talk. I don't even talk to my best friend as much as I talk to him. I'm stuck, if I see him it hurts. If I can't talk to him, it hurts. I feel like the only solution is to run away. Drinking helps a little, but the next day I have a hangover and this horrid empty place where my friend used to be. I keep coming up with these schemes to get rid of her, but they all seem like bad movie plots. Then, the next minute I'm mad because I feel like he's gutless and who wants a man who can't stand up for what he wants? I know he's afraid she'll find out- so am I, because I don't want to read in the paper the next day about how she went Bobbitt an his silly self. If I stop communicating altogether, I think she'll take that as a sign that he's guilty and we broke up (which would be true) and use it to continue her campaign to hurt him financially (Which I can honestly say is what I'd probably do in the same situation). Then, I think, what the hell do I care? Let her take him for everything! You know, I really am normally a 'together ' person who doesn't take crap from anyone. I have an extremely low BS tolerance with men and run away at the first sign of typically guy garbage. And man, I hate drama. What it is about this particular man that I can't walk away from I just don't know. How long does it take for the hurt to go away?
newbby Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 whatever the situation is though, it is extremely difficult to be friends once you have crossed the line, its not impossible though, and if you really feel your life is enhanced with him in it, then you will just have to work extra hard on the friendship. just one other thing though, i am wondering if it is actually helpful for either her physical or mental condition to be living with and dependent on a man she hates, and who she knows, no longer loves her. it seems to be a very humiliating situation to be in. she has to beg him to look after her and not leave her, she probably thinks she couldnt manage without him, and she must resent him for this also. perhaps the kindest thing that he could do is to leave her and give her money to pay for live in help or whatever she needs. i am sure they would both feel alot better.
whichwayisup Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 Being "just" friends with him will prevent you from finding somebody else. It will take longer to get over the feelings too and the rollercoaster ride would still happen. Sadly, the best thing you can do for you is end it, get some closure and do no contact. Time does heal all wounds, as cliche as that sounds, it's true. Sounds like no matter what he is sticking with her because of her illness. I'm sure the love is there between them, but daily life, her illness and other stresses have made it seem less. Don't forget their marriage vows. That's prob. why he is staying with her. IF you want the best for him, tell him to stick with his wife, to work it out, to go to marriage counselling. That way you can look back at your friendship with him with a smile! Even though there was pain (still is, i'm sure), each of you grew together, but now it's time to move on.
Shimmer Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 it is hard to maintain friendship: You pine for the feeling you once got and whilst you maintain to yourself, it's ok, it's only coffee etc. etc. they DO get under your skin during that time - by being attentive, touchy feely, false promises of how they hoped it would be, how it still can be that. Before you know it you are back in the centre of the storm just waiting for the chaos. I know, been there many times, can write the book! A few times I get over him, not completely but enough to not have him on my thoughts as much but before I get better, I give in to seeing him again. I am in the same position so just trying to say what I have found.
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