Hurt1234 Posted August 19, 2019 Posted August 19, 2019 My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over two months. We are extremely close. If not together in person we're constantly keeping in touch through text or phone. I found out last week that my dad has liver cancer. The following day my boyfriend told me he's going away for a boy's weekend...which he did. When he returned he said he felt a bit of tension between us..which there was, and asked if I was upset with him that he went away. My motto " let people do what they want to do and that will answer all of your questions" I told him this motto and said I had no choice but to deal with my dads health on my own. I believe he felt bad about leaving me...but this was once he returned not at all before he left. Am I wrong for being extremely bitter? How do I tell him this without sounding too needy?
SophieG Posted August 19, 2019 Posted August 19, 2019 Was the trip planned before you heard the news? I mean, it’s a hard news to digest, but I wouldn’t expect my boyfriend to stop his plans because of it. I would expect him to be there once he returns. Personally I would have taken the weekend to be with my parents and family. I wouldn’t be bitter or angry... a little disappointed maybe, but nothing more than that. 2
schlumpy Posted August 19, 2019 Posted August 19, 2019 I understand you are upset and hypersensitive but you are expecting a lot from a two month relationship. How many times has he met your parents? Did they ask where he was? Was it important to them or only to you? You have trying time in front of you and you need to keep your personal relationship out of the danger zone while you concentrate on family because he is likely to have the same complaint about you within a few short months. Please don't judge him to harshly. It's difficult to understand what end of life events mean when you are young especially when the emotional ties are not there. 1
FMW Posted August 19, 2019 Posted August 19, 2019 I agree, you're expecting too much from a two month relationship. I'm very sorry about your dad. 4
smackie9 Posted August 19, 2019 Posted August 19, 2019 So sorry about your dad. I can understand that you are under a lot of stress, but don't make it worse by being angry at him. Stop $^&% testing him and simply communicate to him that you could use some support...that's it...simple as that.
Gaeta Posted August 19, 2019 Posted August 19, 2019 I am also thinking you were expecting too much of a 2 month relationship. Sure you let people show you who they really are but men aren't mind readers. He couldn't know you wanted him next to you, he may have thought he was better to leave you alone with your family. It's not because you want to be supported a certain way that it's the same logic for everyone. Some people, many men, prefer to be left alone while dealing with stressful situations. He can't know what you need unless you express it clearly.
Amethyst68 Posted August 19, 2019 Posted August 19, 2019 I agree with the other posters, you've only been seeing him for 2 months, now if it was 2 years and he did this it would be a different story....
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 19, 2019 Posted August 19, 2019 This man doesn't care about you or your emotional health after 2 months. He doesn't care about your parents. All he feels at this stage is sexual attraction and cancer is a downer. You would be lucky if someone showed an ounce of support in this situation after 2 years together. 1
kendahke Posted August 19, 2019 Posted August 19, 2019 My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over two months. We are extremely close. If not together in person we're constantly keeping in touch through text or phone. I found out last week that my dad has liver cancer. The following day my boyfriend told me he's going away for a boy's weekend...which he did. When he returned he said he felt a bit of tension between us..which there was, and asked if I was upset with him that he went away. My motto " let people do what they want to do and that will answer all of your questions" I told him this motto and said I had no choice but to deal with my dads health on my own. I believe he felt bad about leaving me...but this was once he returned not at all before he left. Am I wrong for being extremely bitter? How do I tell him this without sounding too needy? Disappointed, I can see, but bitter? With a guy you've known less than 10 weeks? I think you're expecting more from this 2 month old fledgling relationship than its legs can bear right now. Even in the best of established relationships, the serious illness of a parent causes people around you to show you whether or not they can deal with it--because not everyone can, especially when it's not their own flesh and blood family member. At 2 months, this guy is barely invested in you--and expectations are future resentments (and bitterness) under construction. Rein in your expectations. News like that (and I'm very sorry that your dad's got cancer) is tough to hear and bear and not everyone is the rock that you'd wished they'd be for you. He might be one of those who is useless in these kinds of situations. With your father being ill, you're about to find out who are your dependable people and who'll buckle and can't deal. I went through it when my mother fell ill and passed... found out really quick who my true, dependable friends are and who was there blowing hot air around.
basil67 Posted August 19, 2019 Posted August 19, 2019 Hurt, I'm sorry to hear about your dad. However, I think it's unreasonable to expect him to give up a boys weekend just because of a diagnosis. Of course, had your dad been in critical care at the time, it would be a different story. Cut him some slack.
spiritedaway2003 Posted August 19, 2019 Posted August 19, 2019 I know your dad's health news hit you hard, but you're expecting too much from him to skip a planned outing when you've only known each other for 2 months. If you have a good thing going, try to take a step back and not hold this one against him.
emeraldgreen Posted August 19, 2019 Posted August 19, 2019 We all invest over different periods of time. He might not be where you are and this might help you see that. Personally, I would have stayed back to just hang with you and let you talk if you wanted to talk or be a distraction if you needed one. But I'm not in my 20s and a "boys getaway" sounds exhausting. If I'm in for a penny, I'm in for a pound but it's different when you're younger and fun takes a higher priority. 1
TheFinalWord Posted August 19, 2019 Posted August 19, 2019 If it were two years, I could understand. But 2 months? I think things are going too fast if you have no life outside of each other this quick. I would ease up a bit and not expect him to act like you two are married or in a long-term relationship so quickly. 1
JEG88 Posted August 19, 2019 Posted August 19, 2019 I will add myself to the "that is an unreasonable expectation" group. In a majority of relationships after a couple of months, there is not enough connection/understanding established to expect someone to drop everything in their lives for you. Especially if you don't make it known and only expect him to do so out of his own volition, which is also pretty unreasonable this early in the relationship. Condolences for your dad.
Fekenaws Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 I'll tell you upfront, I would not cancel my plans just because my gf's parents got sick, not unless she was in a really serious bind. You've been dating for 2 months, I've had FWB last 3 times as long as that. Curb the possessive behavior now or he'll be the one to dump you in the future.
boymommy Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 You sound like me...I am usually 20 steps ahead of whoever I am with. They are at the beginning, enjoying getting to know each other and I am planning the wedding in my head. Its not right or wrong, doesn't make you nuts or needy..its just a difference in attachment style and the people we attract. Whats right for one person wont be right for another. Anyway, I am sorry to hear about your dad. Your feelings are valid in this situation, although I believe your boyfriend may just have a different timeline and priorities then you do at this point. Not that he doesnt care about you and your relationship, but he isnt willing to give up his man weekends for you..even if you get bad news. Thats okay..you can tell him honestly how you feel about this situation but make it about you. So something like: “Hey boyfriend, I was doing some thinking and while I am glad you got the opportunity to spend time with friends, finding out my dad was sick has been tough and I need support from you. I felt disappointed when you left because that was a time when I felt like I needed you the most, however I know we are still getting to know each other and our wants and needs.” The other thing you can do is find a support group for family members of people suffering from cancer so that you have outside support and are not relying solely on your boyfriend!
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