hart-kaputt Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 I just broke it off with my GF of 3 years because she is "confused". the jist of it: we are both 24, just graduated college, i am living out my dream career and she went to grad school. She moved to my hometown to be with me and start our lives together, she had a change of career choice, decided to get further education and is in the final stages of a master's degree. ever since she started undergrad she has missed her family and missed being at home. she works and goes to school full time and we rarely got to see each other, and when we did i got the ol' "i've had a much harder day than you" or she would always complain about her physical "pain" and she would be sooo tired. she only did this when she was with me, now when she was with friends it was a different attitude. i myself found a good job that requires alot of physical demands and some overtime, not including my home-based business. i was trying to start a life for the both of us, saving for my (our) business, her ring and our future home and bills. naturally, i am completely dead at the end of the day, but i always listened to her complain or made time to just hold her and stuff. that wasn't good enough, she wanted so much more, like going out every night to bars (i don;t drink) and such, but i have to work in the morning and she works all weekends or goes home every other weekend. either way, she started to distance herself from me and couldn't appreciate what i am trying to do for US. by the way, did i mention she is a virgin and i've waited and been faithful to her for this long...as far as i know, not many guys aged 24 will wait to have sex or be in a relationship without sex for 3 years. does that show i really cared and loved her? The Bigger Problems: some one told her of a potential "job-opening" in her hometown in about 13 months and all of a sudden she changes her mind on loving me. all of a sudden i am not good enough, my family (who openly loves her dearly) is not good enough, my hometown (which is 50x larger) is not good enough, my religion (catholic) is stupid, she doesn't know if moving will make her happy, but she's 99% sure, she's scared of growing up and having responsibilities, and get this...her dad is on his death bed (scarcasm). her dad has had some surgeries, but is recovering just fine. but now it's all about daddy, and that's all we hear about anymore, how much she loves him and loves her family. the list goes on and on. She "loves" me, but is not "in-love" with me. Solution: i told her that i love her aboive anything in this world and that i always will and if she had any doubts or confused about her love for me then it's best that we're not together so there's no pressure. i love her enough to let her go and if she ever figures stuff out, then all she has to do is pick up the phone and i'll be there. i let her play the victim, even though technically i was the one getting dumped. Outcome: well it's been over a month and no contact. she was depressed for all of 2 days, but now acts perky and lively like nothing bothers her and says stuff like she doesn't have time for a bf anyway. just last week she took all my pictures down and is trying to forget me (info from a friend). we all believe it's a cover up, but i am unstable about her actions. she keeps running off to other cities with family members and getting drunk and having a good time trying to forget. why is it that i am taking all the pain and suffering and she acts like i was a one-night stand, like i was never there? is she really confused or was that just an escape route? she used to really really care about me and love me as much as i did her, and wanted to marry me, etc, so why would a decision about her career change her feelings about me if she's that afraid of growing up? is there a chance this is all just how she deals with problems, just runs away until they catch up with her? is there a chance she will realize what she left behind? is there a chance she will come back after moving? Please Help.
georgiagirl76 Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 There is always a chance she will come back- but the bigger question is Do you really want to be with someone that behaves this way? I know that you love her but do you want to spend the rest of your life playing second fiddle to her family. Family is important and I am not suggesting that there is anything wrong with have a tight bond and close relationship with them. However, you are the type of person (at least it seems from your post) that you are ready to begin a new family with your significant other and incorporate her into both of your current families. She seems unable or unwilling to do this. Also you seem to also have other compatibility issues- You don't drink- she does and often and seems to really enjoy the bar scene. You don't have a problem with premarital sex and see it as a road to further emotional intimacy- she does and has not ever had sex before (not that there is anything wrong with either position you are just at odds). She actually called your religion "stupid". I couldn't tell from your post how important religion is to you but even if it is minorly important this could be a MAJOR problem I am not trying to judge you but you asked for advice. Having one major area of difference can be hard on a relationship and you have several. I think you did yourself a disservice by telling her that she could come back at any point. This gives her the freedom to live out her life with the safety of you to fall back on. Also you claim you are doing no contact but you still know an awful lot about her. No contact serves a greater purpose than making your ex miss you. It enables you to grieve properly and start picking up the pieces to moves on. It also lets you view the relationship from a more objective light once you have processed your pain and determine whether or not it is something you could work on or either you learn what not to do in the next relationship. I would suggest you stop inquiring about or from mutual friends or if they offer information politely tell them that you are not interested in knowing about her life. This is the only way you are going to either be able to accept her back into your life or move on.
Author hart-kaputt Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 i know what your saying georgiagirl, believe me. i actually think that she has the quarter-life crisis syndrome, because from the decriptions i have found on here, it seems to add up. but i wonder if they snap out of it. also, i feel a lot of the "family first" attitude is a part of the scared of growing up thing, because it is easier to run back to daddy in a safe place instead of being an adult in a world that has no guarantees. i try to believe that all the crap she's pulling like the emotional distattachment, making fun/ complaining about every aspect of out relationship is her way of trying to make a hard decision and not knowing really what she wants. this has happend before about 2 years ago when we broke up for over a month, it was the same type of behaviors. going on the fact that she came back when she "figured stuff out" makes me wonder whether this time is going to be different or not. she can't have the safety of school anymore, she has to grow up sometime. believe me, i really screwd myself when i said she could come back anytime, but at the same time she needed to know how much i really love her and that i wanted her to figure out what she wants. the question im trying to figure out is , do girls really get confused/scared when they have to be an adult for the first time and are with someone that is very serious and commited to them? it seems like she was trying to revaluate her entire life and trying to figure out if she made the right choices. if i knew the answers i wouldn't be writing on this board, ya know.
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