Veronica73 Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 I don’t know. Something seems really off about her. Is it a good idea to get sexual with 3 different people from work? And in one case where your other colleagues can see it? Eek. Maybe I’m a prude or something, but that seems like a really dumb move. 1
SumGuy Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 I don't thi k she's a liar, but what she says only makes sense to her! That is really not any better, in fact maybe worse. At least a liar knows their actions and words don't line up. If someone sees no disconnect they will never change.
SumGuy Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 .... but her not knowing her own mind and not knowning how to communicate in any way. That is a red flag in itself and a sure fire road to needless drama and relationship death. I also agree with others, my gut says there is something really messed up going on with her that she is not telling. It could be she was sexually abused (hence the tears). It could be she has a very good idea of what turns her on, but is afraid it's too kinky to express or is the kind of kink (for her) that if she has to tell you it takes the fun out of it for her. Those two thoughts are not mutually exclusive. Still advise you move on and find a woman who will "teach" you, instead of one who wants you to read her mind and thinks pressure is an aphrodisiac.
Ami1uwant Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 I don’t know the truth her...assume she isn’t lying and really only had sex 10 timed over this relationship time. A few thoughts.... 1 she is asexual... there are some fir various reasons don’t have sexual drive 2 she really slept around but was a gold digger 3 there is something with her that makes her not enjoy sex or looks at it as only to make babies.
Author twatwa123 Posted August 21, 2019 Author Posted August 21, 2019 I don’t know. Something seems really off about her. Is it a good idea to get sexual with 3 different people from work? And in one case where your other colleagues can see it? Eek. Maybe I’m a prude or something, but that seems like a really dumb move. These are my thoughts. She said she was ashamed about the hj incident and she was talk of the office for a while after. The girl is crazy
Author twatwa123 Posted August 21, 2019 Author Posted August 21, 2019 I don’t know the truth her...assume she isn’t lying and really only had sex 10 timed over this relationship time. A few thoughts.... 1 she is asexual... there are some fir various reasons don’t have sexual drive 2 she really slept around but was a gold digger 3 there is something with her that makes her not enjoy sex or looks at it as only to make babies. 1. She has an average/high sex drive 2. She's not a gold digger 3. I don't think that either. It's just weird! She clearly lacks confidence in herself
Author twatwa123 Posted August 21, 2019 Author Posted August 21, 2019 That is a red flag in itself and a sure fire road to needless drama and relationship death. I also agree with others, my gut says there is something really messed up going on with her that she is not telling. It could be she was sexually abused (hence the tears). It could be she has a very good idea of what turns her on, but is afraid it's too kinky to express or is the kind of kink (for her) that if she has to tell you it takes the fun out of it for her. Those two thoughts are not mutually exclusive. Still advise you move on and find a woman who will "teach" you, instead of one who wants you to read her mind and thinks the pressure is an aphrodisiac. Messed up indeed! She hasn't been abused. OK. I talked to her last night. I didn't exactly get anywhere, but I basically told her that she needs to stop bringing pressure into the bedroom. The fact that she never had PIV sex with her ex very often at all is totally irrelevant to us in this relationship, and that I am not her ex (yet!) After reading some responses to the thread on this forum, the penny has sort of dropped on me that maybe she has some mental illness. She is way beyond emotional. She gets upset far too easily over the most trivial things that a grown adult would not cry over. So for example, she told me she cried to her mum because she left a cake in my fridge that she was supposed to take home to her flat where she lives alone. She has told me she has low self-esteem, but she doesn' want me to pitty her, I suggested that she goes and sees a therapist because they help with the train of thought...and I know this from experience. She rejected this idea out of hand. I think the end is near. I can't do anymore to help!
notthatintome Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 If you have a low sex drive then she sounds perfect! Otherwise cut your losses and run!
Maggiemay1 Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 She might have been sexually abused. Just because she said she hasn’t doesn’t mean she hasn’t. She might have a conflicted view on sex depending on her parents view? Do you actually know for sure that she had a 7 year relationship? Does she have vaginismus? She seems to have a very childlike relationship with her mother! What about her father?
Author twatwa123 Posted August 21, 2019 Author Posted August 21, 2019 She might have been sexually abused. Just because she said she hasn’t doesn’t mean she hasn’t. She might have a conflicted view on sex depending on her parents view? Do you actually know for sure that she had a 7 year relationship? Does she have vaginismus? She seems to have a very childlike relationship with her mother! What about her father? I know she hasn't been sexually abused. Her parents are normal as far as I can tell. Seem nice people. As do the rest of her family. I wouldn't call her relationship with her mother childlike, apart from her constant crying over trivial issues, it seems a normal mother daughter relationship I can only go by what she tells me, she told me the relationship was 7 years, and during that time, and she told me that during that time "I can count on one had the number of times we have PIV sex" ... this was the main reason she dumped him. Nope she doesn't have vaginsmus. I think her issues 100% in the head and that she is probably quite emotionally immature for a 30 odd year old.
smackie9 Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 She has a high sex drive like me. With her ex, she said they'd had sex only a handful of times during 7.5 years. OH so she has a high sex drive but stayed practically sexless with him for years.....something just doesn't add up here. 1
Author twatwa123 Posted August 21, 2019 Author Posted August 21, 2019 OH so she has a high sex drive but stayed practically sexless with him for years.....something just doesn't add up here. There was barely any PIV sex in her previous relationship, trust me, she doesn't have a low sex drive. On her previous dates (all from online) it hasn't taken long or much to get her knickers down. Indeed, something doesn't add up. That is partly why I posted the thread to see if anyone else can make any sense of the situation, but it seems not.
smackie9 Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 I think she is lying a lot. That's my analysis. I wouldn't trust her if I were you. there must be better than this out there.
Author twatwa123 Posted August 21, 2019 Author Posted August 21, 2019 I think she is lying a lot. That's my analysis. I wouldn't trust her if I were you. there must be better than this out there. I don’t think she’s lying, but I’m starting to think she’s not worth the hassle
kendahke Posted August 22, 2019 Posted August 22, 2019 She hasn't been abused. I know she hasn't been sexually abused. I don’t think she’s lying, So, you've shot down everyone's analysis, you seem to think you know her better than she knows herself and are convinced she hasn't been abused, etc based on what exactly? I'm curious as to what facts you're basing this surety on, considering you didn't grow up in the same household as her. There's one thing I've learned in my journey through this life and that's you only know as much about a person as they let you know about themselves. Never assume that you do. If keeping you in the dark (about something that she doesn't want you to know about) requires a lie to the contrary, guess what's coming out of her mouth? HJ-ing coworkers in full view of colleagues tells me that something sexually and most likely violently horrendous happened to her and she lost her mind. No behavior happens in a vacuum. There is always cause and effect... and in this case, affect. No one in their right mind does that.
spiderowl Posted August 22, 2019 Posted August 22, 2019 (edited) I see what you mean about things not adding up. Have you asked her why she did not have sex with the partner of 7 years? One-night stand - well it happens. For every woman having a one-night stand with a guy, there is a guy having a one-night stand. Will he be castigated for it? Unlikely, but if she ever mentions a one-night stand, it will go against her. SHE will be seen as 'easy' but HE will be seen as 'a real guy trying his luck'. Don't judge her on that. She could have some sort of mental problem if things are not adding up. Is she acting like more than one personality? I have known a person to be split in that way and it causes odd inconsistencies, especially if they do not remember what the other character was doing. Has she suffered any kind of trauma in the past? Trauma can do strange things. Hand-job with the colleague - yes, most would not do this. Was she extremely drunk, drugged or was this the 'pleaser' behaviour of someone who has been given false ideas about what intimacy actually is? Maybe she was trying to please him due to having a history of abuse. Why do you think she would tell you about abuse? Maybe at this stage, she is telling you that things were not right, without giving you that vital bit of information which makes it all make sense? I do not know but clearly you want things to be a lot more straightforward. I do not detect any great attachment to this woman so maybe you would be better off with someone less complicated. Edited August 22, 2019 by spiderowl
Author twatwa123 Posted August 22, 2019 Author Posted August 22, 2019 So, you've shot down everyone's analysis, you seem to think you know her better than she knows herself and are convinced she hasn't been abused, etc based on what exactly? I'm curious as to what facts you're basing this surety on, considering you didn't grow up in the same household as her. . I can only go by what she tells me. She had no problems sleeping with the other guys (the fwb and the date guy) .... I will ask her bluntly if she's been abused.....I'm 99.999% sure the answer is going to be no! If keeping you in the dark (about something that she doesn't want you to know about) requires a lie to the contrary, guess what's coming out of her mouth? HJ-ing coworkers in full view of colleagues tells me that something sexually and most likely violently horrendous happened to her and she lost her mind. No behavior happens in a vacuum. There is always cause and effect... and in this case, affect. No one in their right mind does that The HJ incident was weird and she probably just had too much to drink.
Author twatwa123 Posted August 22, 2019 Author Posted August 22, 2019 Have you asked her why she did not have sex with the partner of 7 years? Yes I have and again the answers don't much much sense to me. She said he took her virginity and it hurt (normal) She also said that she wanted to break up with him quite soon into the relationship but never did because his mum died. She decides to stay with him, they moved in together. They were both clearly happy with no sex. On the few occasions they did do it, she said it didn't feel right..whatever that is supposed to mean. I find it hard to believe she woke up one morning and decided to leave him because they weren't having sex. She said she spoke to him about no sex and he said he was "happy to wait" but she didn't say what he was waiting for. The guy clearly loved her in my eyes, and she claims to have loved him...but if this was the case why was sex so difficult for her? I would love to know his side of the story, as something in my mind doesn't add up. I don't think my partner is lying to me. I think she is just confused as most likely has some mental issues. She could have some sort of mental problem if things are not adding up. Exactly this. I have suggested she goes and sees a counsellor/therapist as they can help. I have had my own mental health problems in the past so I know what it is like. I know counsellors can help if you follow their advice. But she has rejected this idea out of hand. She gets upset really easily over trivial things. I have some pictures on my phone of her that she doesn't like, she cried because I wouldn't delete them. Hand-job with the colleague - yes, most would not do this. Was she extremely drunk, drugged or was this the 'pleaser' behaviour of someone who has been given false ideas about what intimacy actually is? I don't know how drunk, she said she had a bit too much to drink and that she is not proud of what she did. Yes she is hard work, but away from this nonsense she seems quite nice and we have loads in common and do get along well. We never argue. I'm trying to be a decent person and help her but she has to help herself. Half of the problem here is her lack of communication skills. Again, someone like a counsellor or therapist can help her with that sort of thing once she gets her head in the right place.
Maggiemay1 Posted August 22, 2019 Posted August 22, 2019 The more you say the more it sounds like she was sexually abused! You do realise that people that were sexually abused often end up only enjoying sex that is somewhat taboo and do not comprehend sex within a loving relationship. That’s why sex didn’t seem “right” within her 7 year relationship . Her bf knew but didn’t pressure her. He didn’t abuse her so she ended it. She subsequently has become somewhat promiscuous because she feels that is what she deserves. She refuses counselling. Just as she likely did within her 7 year relationship. You can’t help her. She doesn’t want your help.
Author twatwa123 Posted August 22, 2019 Author Posted August 22, 2019 The more you say the more it sounds like she was sexually abused! You do realise that people that were sexually abused often end up only enjoying sex that is somewhat taboo and do not comprehend sex within a loving relationship. That’s why sex didn’t seem “right” within her 7 year relationship . Her bf knew but didn’t pressure her. He didn’t abuse her so she ended it. She subsequently has become somewhat promiscuous because she feels that is what she deserves. She refuses counselling. Just as she likely did within her 7 year relationship. You can’t help her. She doesn’t want your help. She was the one who ended the 7 year relationship. He was heartbroken. He didn't abuse her. They were best friends. Her parents are decent people and wouldn't harm a fly. She hasn't been abused! She 100% has mental health issues. She has low self esteem She is impulsive She is emotionally immature She has trouble making decisions and sticking with them She doesn't know what she wants/doesn't know her own mind. She has suffered from depression in the past as a result of a job and stress from that. She has poor communication skills I'm almost at the point where I'm giving up on her, anyway! So I think I'm gonna try one more time to get her to go and see a counsellor or therapist, and if she refuses, then I'm going to dump her. Because I don't want a sexless relationship where I'm with someone who brings a tonne of pressure into the bedroom, and with someone with such poor communication.
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