Could this be a red flag with my date (over her sexual history)

[twatwa123]

So she is 33 and has had 4 previous partners.

 

She's had one relationship before that lasted 7 years. She said they had sex no more than 5 times during that time because according to her, for her it "didn't feel right" .... yet they shared a house together for 3 years.

 

Then she had an FWB arrangement with a work colleague, they had sex twice in a year

 

Then she slept with another person from her work, just one night.

 

Then she slept with an online date, within the first few hours of meeting in person. This person ghosted her afterwards and never spoke to her again.

 

 

I am sexually inexperienced too, and something doesn't sit right with me. I am glad she is being honest, but something doesn't seem right that at 33 she has slept with various men only a couple of times each.

 

She is making a huge deal over sex, literally expecting me to do EVERYTHING.

 

We have not gone all the way yet but even during foreplay she will start to play with me as I am her, then she'll stop halfway through and won't continue.

 

She keeps repeating how she never had sex with her ex, its off-putting and it's pressure I don't need.

 

We've been dating for 6 weeks

 

I obviously am going to talk to her about all of this, but what are your thoughts?

[basil67]

Honestly, if you're also a similar age and also sexually inexperienced, you've probably got a few red flags of your own - so don't be too harsh on her.

 

If you like her, then ask her to stop talking about her ex and no sex. Then just play things by ear. You might find that the two of you gel really well. Or it may not work and you move on. Either way, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[PegNosePete]

This whole thing sounds like it's going to be a ton of hard work for you.

 

If you're inexperienced, I would move on and find someone easier to deal with. Leave this one for someone who has experience and will be able to guide her through her issues.

[twatwa123]

Hmmm...

 

Her "issues" wouldn't be an issue if she didn't make it one. Like I honestly don't care how many she has slept with, But its the fact she's only slept wi th so many, and only gone all the way a couple of times. Kinda got the alarm bells going

[twatwa123]

Honestly, if you're also a similar age and also sexually inexperienced, you've probably got a few red flags of your own - so don't be too harsh on her.

 

If you like her, then ask her to stop talking about her ex and no sex. Then just play things by ear. You might find that the two of you gel really well. Or it may not work and you move on. Either way, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

I'm only 25 and she's my first sexual partner.

I have said to her that the stuff about her ex and the fact we haven't been all the way yet is creating pressure and it shouldn't be like this

 

Outside of this we get along really well, have loads in common and a similar outlook on life

[schlumpy]

Take the lead and show her what you want to do and what you want her to do and then see if she pushes you away.

[stillafool]

She wants to play submissive and have you dominant her. Can you do that?

[SumGuy]

I'm only 25 and she's my first sexual partner.

I have said to her that the stuff about her ex and the fact we haven't been all the way yet is creating pressure and it shouldn't be like this

 

Outside of this we get along really well, have loads in common and a similar outlook on life

 

 

 

I would say she is very inexperienced, sounds like she has had sex less than 10 times her entire life. Who knows how many of those times were even good. No wonder she wants you to take the lead. Alas sounds like you have had sex even less.

 

 

In my view, you are both feeling insecure about it. No one can blame you, it's perfectly natural this will feel like pressure. You both probably want it to be "good" and believe it or not, in my experience women are even more afraid of being bad in bed than men.

 

 

The good news is you are both in the same space, you get along well, you can learn with each other. Is there a way to take the pressure off? Can you both admit to each other you don't "know what you are doing" or even what you like; and be open about letting each other know what feels good in the moment? Not to freak out when you do something off, just politely re-direct? Especially when she wants you to take the lead.

 

 

Practice does make perfect especially when you get feedback.

 

 

I'll also say there is no one way to do it, different people like different positions, roles, words (or lack thereof), etc. So neither of you should feel, there is a wrong or right way to this; no matter what others have said in the past.

 

 

There is only what is wrong and right for you two.

 

 

If you can find a way to communicate what works and what doesn't things could be very good. Even if just a moan, a "yes", a running fingers through hair, etc. Yes this puts you out there a bit, it requires some trust.

 

 

Alternatively, she may say she wants you to take the reins so to speak (per stillafool's response). My advice there would be to just go for it, listen for what is pleasing her and keeping doing it. If you know what gets her aroused you can "tease" her for a while and maybe even get her there with "foreplay," helps if you are concerned about lasting and is erotic in it's own right if she wants you to take charge.

 

 

In the end realize if you two don't click sexually it doesn't mean either one of you is not or won't be good at it.

[twatwa123]

I would say she is very inexperienced, sounds like she has had sex less than 10 times her entire life. Who knows how many of those times were even good. No wonder she wants you to take the lead. Alas sounds like you have had sex even less.

 

 

In my view, you are both feeling insecure about it. No one can blame you, it's perfectly natural this will feel like pressure. You both probably want it to be "good" and believe it or not, in my experience women are even more afraid of being bad in bed than men.

 

 

The good news is you are both in the same space, you get along well, you can learn with each other. Is there a way to take the pressure off? Can you both admit to each other you don't "know what you are doing" or even what you like; and be open about letting each other know what feels good in the moment? Not to freak out when you do something off, just politely re-direct? Especially when she wants you to take the lead.

 

 

Practice does make perfect especially when you get feedback.

 

 

I'll also say there is no one way to do it, different people like different positions, roles, words (or lack thereof), etc. So neither of you should feel, there is a wrong or right way to this; no matter what others have said in the past.

 

 

There is only what is wrong and right for you two.

 

 

If you can find a way to communicate what works and what doesn't things could be very good. Even if just a moan, a "yes", a running fingers through hair, etc. Yes this puts you out there a bit, it requires some trust.

 

 

Alternatively, she may say she wants you to take the reins so to speak (per stillafool's response). My advice there would be to just go for it, listen for what is pleasing her and keeping doing it. If you know what gets her aroused you can "tease" her for a while and maybe even get her there with "foreplay," helps if you are concerned about lasting and is erotic in it's own right if she wants you to take charge.

 

 

In the end realize if you two don't click sexually it doesn't mean either one of you is not or won't be good at it.

 

 

I have tried my best to take the pressure away from her, by telling her I don't care what its like. She hasn't said the same for me. It's like she wants it to be good from the get go.

 

I ask her what she likes and doesn't like she claims not to know, then I ask her what she fantasizes about when she masturbates, again, she can't give me answers.

 

She thinks that sex needs to be "taught" ... but I disagreed. Everyone knows how to have sex because its a natural thing, but knowing exactly how to please your partner is what takes the time and practice.

 

I think her communication is not good with me. She does give me look sometimes where its like she wants me to do something, but I cannot read her mind. I said to her that once we get to know each other sexually then the sex will be good and will happen spontaneously. Her response to this is "but what if its not (good)"

[twatwa123]

I would say she is very inexperienced, sounds like she has had sex less than 10 times her entire life. Who knows how many of those times were even good. No wonder she wants you to take the lead. Alas sounds like you have had sex even less.

 

 

In my view, you are both feeling insecure about it. No one can blame you, it's perfectly natural this will feel like pressure. You both probably want it to be "good" and believe it or not, in my experience women are even more afraid of being bad in bed than men.

 

 

The good news is you are both in the same space, you get along well, you can learn with each other. Is there a way to take the pressure off? Can you both admit to each other you don't "know what you are doing" or even what you like; and be open about letting each other know what feels good in the moment? Not to freak out when you do something off, just politely re-direct? Especially when she wants you to take the lead.

 

 

Practice does make perfect especially when you get feedback.

 

 

I'll also say there is no one way to do it, different people like different positions, roles, words (or lack thereof), etc. So neither of you should feel, there is a wrong or right way to this; no matter what others have said in the past.

 

 

There is only what is wrong and right for you two.

 

 

If you can find a way to communicate what works and what doesn't things could be very good. Even if just a moan, a "yes", a running fingers through hair, etc. Yes this puts you out there a bit, it requires some trust.

 

 

Alternatively, she may say she wants you to take the reins so to speak (per stillafool's response). My advice there would be to just go for it, listen for what is pleasing her and keeping doing it. If you know what gets her aroused you can "tease" her for a while and maybe even get her there with "foreplay," helps if you are concerned about lasting and is erotic in it's own right if she wants you to take charge.

 

 

In the end realize if you two don't click sexually it doesn't mean either one of you is not or won't be good at it.

 

I am more than happy to just "mess around" with absolutely no pressure until we figure out the whole sex thing, but I don't think she is for some reason. Odd for someone that claims to really like me

[schlumpy]

Until things become more "normal" or make sense don't get involved anymore then you already are.

 

She has a secret. It may be emotional, it may be physical or it may be devious but there is something she is not letting on about.

 

Keep you eyes and ears open and maybe you will be able to figure it out.

[Mrs._December]

She is making a huge deal over sex, literally expecting me to do EVERYTHING.

 

We have not gone all the way yet but even during foreplay she will start to play with me as I am her, then she'll stop halfway through and won't continue.

LOL. No wonder men only bother with her sexually two or three times then give up.

[SumGuy]

First off, with the information below I would call this a red flag, not so much her history, but her (in my view) unrealistic and immature expectations and lack of communication.

 

 

I have tried my best to take the pressure away from her, by telling her I don't care what its like. She hasn't said the same for me. It's like she wants it to be good from the get go.

 

I ask her what she likes and doesn't like she claims not to know, then I ask her what she fantasizes about when she masturbates, again, she can't give me answers.

 

That puts you in a tough spot. As really odd as it may sound, if you do go forward this should be a win-win for your ego. I'll explain why in a bit.

 

Based on her words you are not going to get verbal direction (for some having to say what they want turns them off), so you will have to go with non-verbal; the sounds she makes, increased breathing, movement, muscles tightening, etc. Not to make you nervous, that is not easy even for someone with experience as no two women are the same.

 

That is why this is a win-win. If you don't do it for her believe me it is her and not you. She s not even helping here, instead putting up barriers and adding pressure.

 

If you do it for her you should congratulate yourself as having some gift for this.

 

If you can think of it as a possible win-win then give it a try. It takes a certain sense of confidence and not having expectations. Easier said than done.

 

One might also see this as lose-lose, because frankly her sexual history (or lack thereof) makes me think she is not really that interested in sex and if she is, her response to you makes me think she doesn’t want to take responsibility for herself. There are other possibly less likely reasons I can see, none of them good.

 

I also don’t see things really changing for her (and by extension her sex life with her boyfriends) EVER unless she learns to know and communicate what she likes or she hits the jackpot and finds that guy who happens to do just exactly what she wants exactly the way she likes it. In any event I would not recommend you take it on yourself to “change” or “fix” her. She’s a grown adult, if she doesn’t like the nature of her sexual life she needs to at least some responsibility to try to change it, not try to guilt you into doing all the work for her.

 

 

She thinks that sex needs to be "taught" ... but I disagreed. Everyone knows how to have sex because its a natural thing, but knowing exactly how to please your partner is what takes the time and practice.

You are spot on with this. Even if you don't have experience it looks like you have a healthy mindset.

 

I laughed when I read "taught" what are you supposed to do, go to a sex professional? Are their classes on this? Who is doing the teaching, what is the curriculum?

 

You can certainly be taught the parts, taught the positions but none of that translates into good sex. The emotional and mind part aside (which frankly I think is 90% of it) different people are going to like different parts focused on in different ways and different positions will be different peoples favorites. There is no best practices here when it comes to the physical act.

 

Sure there are commonalities, but as you rightly surmise, two people who trust each other who are not afraid to touch and explore and give feedback (even non-verbal) will quickly find those.

 

I think her communication is not good with me. She does give me look sometimes where its like she wants me to do something, but I cannot read her mind. I said to her that once we get to know each other sexually then the sex will be good and will happen spontaneously. Her response to this is "but what if its not (good)"

You are approaching this in a mature thoughtful way it sounds like. If it is not that good you try to figure out why and change things or you just move on if good sex is a part of what you want. It really is that simple. Edited August 20, 2019 by SumGuy

[smackie9]

So you are says she's had a total of 9 times having sex? Dude that in itself says she has issues with sex. That isn't inexperience, that's someone who doesn't really like sex.

 

I suggest you find yourself a hungry cougar with a bangin rack that will ravish you.

[elaine567]

I suggest you find yourself a hungry cougar with a bangin rack that will ravish you.

 

He doesn't even need to go that extreme, he just needs to go find someone "normal".

 

OP

This woman is not "normal" and I guess she could do you a lot of damage sexually with her nonsense, if you let her.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've learned that what you get upfront is what it is. People don't change much. They might improve slightly, but we're talking 10% max. Real changes usually takes dramatic effort and years of focus.

 

I wouldn't click romantically with someone like this. My romantic partner is the only person I have sex with, so if that's not working, there's no point.

[twatwa123]

First off, with the information below I would call this a red flag, not so much her history, but her (in my view) unrealistic and immature expectations and lack of communication.

 

 

 

 

That puts you in a tough spot. As really odd as it may sound, if you do go forward this should be a win-win for your ego. I'll explain why in a bit.

 

Based on her words you are not going to get verbal direction (for some having to say what they want turns them off), so you will have to go with non-verbal; the sounds she makes, increased breathing, movement, muscles tightening, etc. Not to make you nervous, that is not easy even for someone with experience as no two women are the same.

 

That is why this is a win-win. If you don't do it for her believe me it is her and not you. She s not even helping here, instead putting up barriers and adding pressure.

 

If you do it for her you should congratulate yourself as having some gift for this.

 

If you can think of it as a possible win-win then give it a try. It takes a certain sense of confidence and not having expectations. Easier said than done.

 

One might also see this as lose-lose, because frankly her sexual history (or lack thereof) makes me think she is not really that interested in sex and if she is, her response to you makes me think she doesn’t want to take responsibility for herself. There are other possibly less likely reasons I can see, none of them good.

 

I also don’t see things really changing for her (and by extension her sex life with her boyfriends) EVER unless she learns to know and communicate what she likes or she hits the jackpot and finds that guy who happens to do just exactly what she wants exactly the way she likes it. In any event I would not recommend you take it on yourself to “change” or “fix” her. She’s a grown adult, if she doesn’t like the nature of her sexual life she needs to at least some responsibility to try to change it, not try to guilt you into doing all the work for her.

 

 

You are spot on with this. Even if you don't have experience it looks like you have a healthy mindset.

 

I laughed when I read "taught" what are you supposed to do, go to a sex professional? Are their classes on this? Who is doing the teaching, what is the curriculum?

 

You can certainly be taught the parts, taught the positions but none of that translates into good sex. The emotional and mind part aside (which frankly I think is 90% of it) different people are going to like different parts focused on in different ways and different positions will be different peoples favorites. There is no best practices here when it comes to the physical act.

 

Sure there are commonalities, but as you rightly surmise, two people who trust each other who are not afraid to touch and explore and give feedback (even non-verbal) will quickly find those.

 

You are approaching this in a mature thoughtful way it sounds like. If it is not that good you try to figure out why and change things or you just move on if good sex is a part of what you want. It really is that simple.

 

 

 

 

Based on her words you are not going to get verbal direction (for some having to say what they want turns them off), so you will have to go with non-verbal; the sounds she makes, increased breathing, movement, muscles tightening, etc. Not to make you nervous, that is not easy even for someone with experience as no two women are the same.

 

 

She has admitted she doesn't like talking about sex, to the point where she burst into tears (don't know why) .... I didn't ask her what turns her on and what she fantasizes about during the moment. I realize this could be a turn-off and would put me off asking the questions in the moment

 

It takes a certain sense of confidence and not having expectations.

 

I don't have any expectations because I'm not confident sexually. My partner on the other hand....

 

One might also see this as lose-lose, because frankly her sexual history (or lack thereof) makes me think she is not really that interested in sex and if she is, her response to you makes me think she doesn’t want to take responsibility for herself. There are other possibly less likely reasons I can see, none of them good.

 

I don't understand why, the two people in her life, one being me, and the other her ex of 7 years, she has had barely no sex with them. With her ex, she claimed it didn't feel right, whatever that means. And now she's bringing all sorts of pressure into the bedroom with me, claiming that she's "been here before" (no PIV sex) ...

 

I don't think she's not interested in sex, her sex drive seems to be similar to mine, I do loads of oral on her and she likes that.

 

 

 

I laughed when I read "taught" what are you supposed to do, go to a sex professional? Are their classes on this? Who is doing the teaching, what is the curriculum?

 

You can certainly be taught the parts, taught the positions but none of that translates into good sex. The emotional and mind part aside (which frankly I think is 90% of it) different people are going to like different parts focused on in different ways and different positions will be different peoples favorites. There is no best practices here when it comes to the physical act.

 

 

hahahahaha yeah. Maybe I should go to some lessons!

 

I think half the problem is not my lack of experience, but her not knowing her own mind and not knowning how to communicate in any way.

[twatwa123]

So you are says she's had a total of 9 times having sex? Dude that in itself says she has issues with sex. That isn't inexperience, that's someone who doesn't really like sex.

 

I suggest you find yourself a hungry cougar with a bangin rack that will ravish you.

 

She has a high sex drive like me.

With her ex, she said they'd had sex only a handful of times during 7.5 years. Ex was her first and it apparently hurt. (Yeah, normal) But for whatever other reason didn't do it much, and the guy must've been happy with this. GF told me that when they did do it, it didn't feel right, but also claimed to love him. The whole thing doesn't really make a lot of sense to me.

She probably happy with oral and fingers with the EX, that's all she has from me at the moment. One of the main reasons she dumped him is because in her words "we never had sex" and "I was not ready to have sex until I broke up with him" .. so she was around 28-29 years old at the time.

 

Her next sexual partner was a fwb from work. Apparently did it just a couple of times during a year. He then went off with someone else in a relationship.

 

Next guy was just one night with someone else from work

 

Next guy was a date from POF. Slept with him on the first date. He then ghosted her after this and they never saw each other again.

[twatwa123]

I will also add that despite her sexual inexperience, she was confident enough, allbeit having had a little too much to drink, to give someone a HJ on a work night out on the minibus home, and her work mates could see everything.

[SmartDude]

What she is saying and what she is doing are two different things at this point, it sounds like. The reason is still not clear. She could want a relationship but not care that much for sex. Many women shut that part of themselves down and don't really want to feel that way anymore. It could be that past experiences discourage her from any future sexual exploration and learning. Perhaps she does like getting intimate, but she is afraid of disappointment again.

[kendahke]

If you think she's a liar, then leave her be. You don't have to deal with her.

[Fekenaws]

That's an enormous red flag. You're not going to be happy in a sexless relationship op, trust me.

[twatwa123]

If you think she's a liar, then leave her be. You don't have to deal with her.

 

I don't thi k she's a liar, but what she says only makes sense to her!

[kendahke]

I don't thi k she's a liar, but what she says only makes sense to her!

 

so why wrap yourself up in knots trying to translate her foolishness? Seems a waste of youth and time.

[fromheart]

Personally I would call it a day. Life's hard enough without having to swim upriver in the bedroom. See where it goes if you like, but Id be prepared to enter the blue ball zone.