Frustrated with my boyfriend right now...

[Lexxi]

Hi guys, it's been a while since I've vented on here. I guess you can say this is more of a venting post... I did, however, post a question not long ago on whether or not my relationship with my boyfriend of 11 months would have the potential to evolve into a more serious relationship. And based on responses and what some of my friends say, it appears it is already serious, given the circumstances.

 

Just a quick recap of our relationship- Been together 11 months, we are both divorced and have children from those marriages all pretty close in age. We live about an hour apart, have full time jobs as well, with his being very demanding. In addition to his 9-5 job, he has also taken on side construction projects (large, commercial projects), that take up so much of his time. He will work 6 days a week a lot of the time, on the weekends he doesn't have his kids, sometimes 12 hour days. Because of all the above, we only see each other twice a week, sometimes three. Of those visits, to maximize them and because of the distance, they are always overnight visits and we have fallen into the "comfort zone", and I'm happy with that. Meaning, we will see each other, head to dinner or order takeout, watch some TV or a movie at home, sometimes walk the dogs. We are usually pretty tired, and he's quite the introvert, with me leaning towards that as well, so this works for us. If we see each other a third time, it's usually a quick meet up for coffee in the morning, or meet for lunch, or get all of the kids together for a full day of playing at either house, the park, or the beach.

 

We just introduced our kids to each other in June, so that's still fairly new, and the kids absolutely enjoy each others' company. It's wonderful getting everyone together and just seeing how we all operate as a unit. And this is huge for the both of us because when we first met, we mentioned to each other that no one we've dated has meet our kids yet and we wouldn't do that unless that person is special and we believe that person will be in our lives for a very long time. Well, that finally happened, so there is nothing that leads me to believe I am of no significance to him. And despite his crazy schedule, he makes time for me, which also says a lot. We have our regular days we meet when we don't have the kids, so big difference between now and when I first started posting about him last year. Back then, it was the lack of communication between dates, and me not seeing him but maybe once a week, and sometimes not even knowing when the next time it will be... I felt he wasn't into me and felt anxious all the time. So much better now and I feel we are in a great place.

 

But here is where I'm frustrated- he seems to have went back to his "default setting"- just doesn't reach out first during those few days we're not together. Yes, we both work and have our kids and his work is so much more demanding, but he was able to do that during the beginning stages of our relationship (although rare), so I know he's at least capable. I've brought this up to him a few months ago. He seemed clueless and didn't know he was even doing that and apologized, said he would make more of an effort. He did... for about 3 weeks, then went back to how he was. I talked to him again a week ago or so, told him it just makes me feel so unimportant and it means a lot to me to hear from him in between. He apologized again and said it's just not in his nature and doesn't even think of it, that he's the type who focuses on what's in front of him. He mentioned that he doesn't even like the phone and that besides his kids, I'm the one he spends the most time with and if he didn't like being with me, he just wouldn't put time aside for me because being that introvert, he likes his alone time. And also said that just because I don't really hear from him, he makes up for it by showing me how much I mean to him. He really is great, physically. Cuddles, hugs, kisses, back rubs, just holds me and makes me feel wanted when we're together. I'd also like to mention that when I reach out to him via text or call him, he answers every time, so I know he's not ignoring me.

 

I guess I just wanted to get some outside thoughts, perhaps even validation that this relationship still sounds healthy and it's a small "flaw", that there is so much more good than bad. We've never even been in a fight. He is the first guy who's treated me wonderfully, I just don't like the silence on his part. We're definitely in a much better place than last year when I posted about my insecurities. Maybe he's just slipped into that place where he feels things are settled, comfortable, secure. Would love to get everyone's thoughts please.

[salparadise]

Maybe he's just slipped into that place where he feels things are settled, comfortable, secure. Would love to get everyone's thoughts please.

 

^ I think this is the case. Wanting him to text when he's working is your expectation, and he just doesn't place the same importance on it. That isn't a flaw or indication that he doesn't care, just that he's secure and doesn't need as much affirmation. I'd suggest that you text him as opposed to having that expectation, and when he responds you know you're a priority.

[Lexxi]

That’s a great point, thank you. I think it just comes down to the fact that he used to do this every now and then. I don’t expect him to text me when he’s busy at work, but he used to on occasion. And I’m not looking for a full on text conversation, more like a “hello”, or just a way to let me know he’s thinking about me. And more so when he’s at home settled in, I would occasionally get the good night text, or a call for a few minutes. He doesn’t think to do that anymore. He has time to go to the gym a night or two a week if he has the energy, a quick text or call shouldn’t be a problem. Perhaps I’m just expecting it to be like that all the time but I understand, once things are settled in, maybe he just doesn’t think it’s a big deal.

[greymatter]

I agree with Sal, this isn't about a flaw in your boyfriend.

 

In my view it's a flaw in your thinking that there is something wrong with him for not initiating texts during the time you are apart. You need affirmation that he is thinking of you when you know that his tendency to focus on what is before him is not an indicator that he doesn't care about you.

 

Everything you describe indicates that you have a happy relationship. Yet you are looking for the negative. You will never get every single need met in a relationship, and this is one example of that. His actions show that he is there for you, committed, he is caring and affectionate and demonstrative, you two have built some of the foundations of a long term relationship. But you are looking for the negative in him, instead of looking inward and thinking about how to, yourself, meet your need for validation, and proof of his feelings for you.

 

Don't look for the one thing that is missing. Texts are an empty, fleeting thing and it seems you are unintentionally looking for a reason to sabotage things, though I kind of doubt that and think this is probably more about your self worth. Understand that what you have is special. It is up to you to provide your own internal validation that you are with someone who clearly cares about and values you. He simply doesn't use texts as a way of showing it. Texting shouldn't be relied upon as an indicator of your value to him - but a lot of people place too much weight on texts. I hope that you are able to realize this and don't mess up a good thing.

[Wanderlust2018]

Sounds like it’s working pretty well for the most part and it’s great you both invest in making it work.

 

That said, I’m of the camp where I think it’s not a huge imposition to take the 3-5 seconds to reach out by sending a simple text. I have a pretty demanding career myself, and a lot on my plate personally as well. That said, I’m no time management expert, but I’ll always find a way to take those few seconds to reach out to my love interest.

 

Some people can change for their partner and some just can’t. You may have to lower your expectations from him on this.

 

The good news is, the way it sounds like things are going, if you ultimately live together. It’ll be a non issue at that point.

 

Beat of luck!

[Lexxi]

And that’s why I don’t understand where he’s coming from... it takes seconds to shoot a text, or a 3 minute call at night before bed would suffice.

 

When I brought it up to him last week, that it literally takes no effort, he said he completely understands that, but claimed he’s “just not that guy, and doesn’t hunk he could ever be that guy”, and said he just doesn’t think of it. I told him that although it didn’t happen all the time, he still managed to do that months ago so I’m not sure why it’s changed. He seemed confused and didn’t think he really did that. He said “but I’m sure we didn’t talk like we do now or see each other regularly like we do now”. So yeah... seems like a case of being settle in, but regardless, still doesn’t feel too great. For instance, we do have our kids this weekend but I didn’t hear from him at all yesterday, and so far, not today. The kids are at the age where they can eat and play on their own, there is time throughout the day to shoot a message- I have time to post here helps with my anxiety and you’re all so helpful. I will see him tomorrow though, maybe that’s good enough for him. Yes, I guess it just makes me question how important I am to him.

[elaine567]

Although everything seems to be slotting into place, in reality you have acquired little more than a twice weekly friend with benefits...

[Lexxi]

Although everything seems to be slotting into place, in reality you have acquired little more than a twice weekly friend with benefits...

 

There is much more to this relationship than that. And while you want to minimize/insult my relationship by saying that all this is, is a FWB situation, I experience more than that to be able to write about on here. I am only tackling the issue that bothers me and haven’t written about all the positives either.

 

I doubt he would be taking me out, to coffee or lunch, or taking our kids to the beach, cooking dinner for us, even inviting me on a day he has his kids when I don’t have mine, to go to the river with them, all NOT involving sex, if he just sees me as that. But thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[salparadise]

And that’s why I don’t understand where he’s coming from... it takes seconds to shoot a text, or a 3 minute call at night before bed would suffice.

 

When I brought it up to him last week, that it literally takes no effort, he said he completely understands that, but claimed he’s “just not that guy, and doesn’t hunk he could ever be that guy”, and said he just doesn’t think of it. I told him that although it didn’t happen all the time, he still managed to do that months ago so I’m not sure why it’s changed.

 

...helps with my anxiety and you’re all so helpful.

 

You are right in the sense that it takes little time or effort. But he's said that he just is not that guy and you aren't hearing him.

 

Your expectation and insistence that he adopt your perspective as if it was his very own, or that he accommodate your expectations as a default behavior, is crossing an important line... it's sometimes referred to as enmeshment. This is when people in a relationship, or family members, turn others into an extension of themselves. They blur the differentiation between the two separate and different individuals... your brain thinks it, but his body is supposed to enact it.

 

Why it's changed- well, in the early stages things are inherently different than they are after people are together awhile and have become a solid, reliable couple. Early on people are trying to win the other's affection. That phase does not last forever. When the connection is secure and the hormones normalize, they go back to being themselves. This is natural and probably happens in all relationships. It's unfair to judge his current behavior based on how he was in the first month or two. I bet you've normalized in a few ways too.

 

I think you do have some anxiety, also known as an insecure/anxious attachment style. His seems to be secure. You should not project your anxiety onto him, as if he is the one in control of it. This is your thing, and I think you should look within for coping methods. It's also relative/progressive in that if he texted you every day at lunchtime, by bedtime you'd be jonesing for more affirmation and not calling or texting at bedtime would be the issue. Or if he set a pattern of texting twice a day and then one day he didn't text, or only texted once, you'd again be unhappy that he wasn't meeting the expectation.

 

I think that you need to make one easy change to resolve this: you want daily contact, so you initiate it. You said that he always responds, so it's good.

[Ami1uwant]

And that’s why I don’t understand where he’s coming from... it takes seconds to shoot a text, or a 3 minute call at night before bed would suffice.

 

When I brought it up to him last week, that it literally takes no effort, he said he completely understands that, but claimed he’s “just not that guy, and doesn’t hunk he could ever be that guy”, and said he just doesn’t think of it. I told him that although it didn’t happen all the time, he still managed to do that months ago so I’m not sure why it’s changed. He seemed confused and didn’t think he really did that. He said “but I’m sure we didn’t talk like we do now or see each other regularly like we do now”. So yeah... seems like a case of being settle in, but regardless, still doesn’t feel too great. For instance, we do have our kids this weekend but I didn’t hear from him at all yesterday, and so far, not today. The kids are at the age where they can eat and play on their own, there is time throughout the day to shoot a message- I have time to post here helps with my anxiety and you’re all so helpful. I will see him tomorrow though, maybe that’s good enough for him. Yes, I guess it just makes me question how important I am to him.

 

It sounds to me you always wait for him to initiate. This would bother me. It gives me the impression that all you want is attention thst can be replaceable.

 

Some guys aren’t texters.

[Ami1uwant]

There is much more to this relationship than that. And while you want to minimize/insult my relationship by saying that all this is, is a FWB situation, I experience more than that to be able to write about on here. I am only tackling the issue that bothers me and haven’t written about all the positives either.

 

I doubt he would be taking me out, to coffee or lunch, or taking our kids to the beach, cooking dinner for us, even inviting me on a day he has his kids when I don’t have mine, to go to the river with them, all NOT involving sex, if he just sees me as that. But thanks for sharing your thoughts.

 

I’m not minimizing this relationship

 

At this time approaching a yr together...have you event talked about this being something more where one f you move to the other?

.

[Lexxi]

I’m not minimizing this relationship

 

At this time approaching a yr together...have you event talked about this being something more where one f you move to the other?

.

 

That post wasn’t even directed towards you, but ok...

 

And our kids are all in elementary school right now, different districts, friends and family in those areas so they come first. The hour drive and seeing each other 2-3x a week isn’t a *horrible* situation where we would have to be already talking about uprooting them just because of our needs. I’m not sure if you have children but things move a little slower when they’re involved.

[Curiousroxy86]

Lexxi he doesn’t want to text you the way you want him to

 

I think you just need to look at that reality and then decide if this is the hill you want to die on or not

 

You already talked to him about it and he went back to what he wanted to do

 

At this point all you can do is accept as is or decide to let him go

 

Nagging him any further will not do you or the relationship you have with him any good

 

And I understand you want to know if this is healthy or not but to be honest you have to decide if this is something you can accept

 

Some people can accept a partner who doesn’t initiate contact during the week and is fine seeing their partner on the weekends only

 

Some people can’t

 

I don’t think it’s a right/wrong. Its more so “what’s right for me” or “what I can’t deal with” type of thing

 

With everything this guy has shown you can you accept that he isn’t going to initiate contact in the way that you would want?

 

Assume the way he is now is the exact way he is going to be. Can you accept?

 

And I would genuinely like the answer to that question lexxi if you don’t mind

Edited August 18, 2019 by Curiousroxy86

[crispytoast]

That said, I’m of the camp where I think it’s not a huge imposition to take the 3-5 seconds to reach out by sending a simple text. I have a pretty demanding career myself, and a lot on my plate personally as well. That said, I’m no time management expert, but I’ll always find a way to take those few seconds to reach out to my love interest.

First it's "a text only takes 3-5 seconds," then he responds but only takes 3-5 seconds to respond. Then it evolves to "I wish he would put more thought into the texts he sends me". And so on. If you give a mouse a cookie....

[Wanderlust2018]

First it's "a text only takes 3-5 seconds," then he responds but only takes 3-5 seconds to respond. Then it evolves to "I wish he would put more thought into the texts he sends me". And so on. If you give a mouse a cookie....

 

I don’t agree with this statement at all. So what’s the alternative, not to text or communicate at all? I’d hate to enter into a relationship with a person of this mindset...it’s one of scarcity and not abundance. Besides, “communication” is key in any relationship, as is reciprocity, no? This kind of thinking also sets up an unhealthy dynamic and imbalance. One can say, “hi, I’m thinking about you...” and add that they’re going to be tied up with work, or whatever it is, and they’ll get back in touch later or when doable.

 

For what it’s worth, took me about 60 seconds to type the above msg. Now back to my texting...

[spiderowl]

When he is away, who initiates texts? Do you? If you do and he doesn't reply, then stop initiating texts. He might not be THAT guy, but then again if he doesn't hear from you, he might start to wonder what you are doing ...

[Lexxi]

I usually initiate the texts/phone calls. But he always replies immediately and answers calls. He will usually initiate if it’s to make a plan outside of what we’ve already planned, or to nail something down, or ask if he wants me to have him stop somewhere and pick up food on my way to me, etc. mostly just for information and not to really chat or check up on me.

 

Like for example, a few weeks ago after he left my house on a Sunday to pick up his kids (I didn’t have mine), he called first about an hour after leaving to ask if I would like to join him and his kids for a day at the beach which was nice. He doesn’t really call or text “just because”. I’m the type that does.

 

And her never ignores me when I initiate. Like I thought he already dropped his kids off today so I called him. He didn’t answer right away but called me about 30 minutes later. Turns out he asked his ex if he could keep the kids longer today because they were invited by extended family to a barbecue at the beach. So he was there with the kids and family but called me to let me know what was going on. So I do know he’s not ignoring or avoiding me. He just doesn’t need that level of contact like I do, and it’s something I have to learn to accept because other than that, he truly is a great guy and possesses wonderful qualities I actually haven’t found in others.

[vla1120]

And that’s why I don’t understand where he’s coming from... it takes seconds to shoot a text, or a 3 minute call at night before bed would suffice.

 

When I brought it up to him last week, that it literally takes no effort, he said he completely understands that, but claimed he’s “just not that guy, and doesn’t hunk he could ever be that guy”, and said he just doesn’t think of it.

 

Oh no. I was your boyfriend in the relationship with my husband. If I did not text him during the day, he went off the deep end, thinking I did not care, and would put the guilt trip on me...."How long does it take to text!?" Mind you, my husband had serious control issues. I would tell him that me not texting didn't mean I did not care, it just meant I was busy. Also, when the relationship is new and you cannot stop thinking about the other person, the texts are more frequent. When you start to feel comfortable in the relationship, I think it is normal for the frequency to decrease a bit. Just don't be too hard on him. He's not doing it to upset you. Believe me. But, you are right. It only takes a minute to text. If I ever find myself in that position again, I might set my alarm to remind me to text my SO, or is that pathetic?

[h0000]

Do you need to talk to him often or do you just want to make sure hes still interested?

 

Everyone has different level of communication needs. I wouldnt say your expectations are out of line or you shouldnt want what you want. You need what you need, if your need for communication is high, he really isn't that compatible. If you want to stay, you have to compromise and put up with it. Or you find someone else who is on the same level with you.

 

 

If you just want to make sure he is interested, then I suggest you look for other ways to measure his level of interests, not how often he calls you.

 

Also bare in mind some people can dedicate 90% of their live to family and partners, while others can only offer 10%, because they want the remaining 90% to be about work, life, pleasure, interests etc etc. Feels to me you are the 1st type and your bf is the second

I think he likes you but he genuinely just isnt the same type of person like you when it comes to family and relationships. What you get now is what he can offer. You gotta decide if it's good enough

Edited August 19, 2019 by h0000

[Shining One]

If I ever find myself in that position again, I might set my alarm to remind me to text my SO, or is that pathetic?

Some people use apps to automatically text their significant others at prescheduled times. I know some executives who have their assistants text their significant others through Exchange (so the significant other believes the text is coming from the executive's phone) at random times throughout the day. I think setting yourself up with a reminder to text is much better than either of those. Hopefully, you won't end up with someone who "needs" that in the first place.

[LoverOfDance]

Lexxi, your partner should not only be your lover but your best friend as well.

 

What kind of best friend “doesn’t really call or text, just because”? Best friends call and text you just because ! That’s why they are your best friend. A lover that is also a best friend should care about you even more. At almost a year together, you people should have developed a much closer friendship than this. This man is not all in and you know it. That is exactly why you have anxiety.

 

Smh, I won’t tell you to leave because I can see that you really care about him. Also, maybe one day, he will decide to really be ALL IN. If you’re going to stay with him though, you need to develop a thicker skin. Stop asking him to care about you more. Stop asking him to reach out more. It’s kind of like saying to someone - “can you please think about me more? Because if you think about me more often then you will check up on me more often”.

 

Men will do whatever they want to do. It is up to you to either take it or leave it. I hope you make the right decision with this man. If you ever find that you are more unhappy than happy, just leave. Life is too short for unhappy relationships.

[elaine567]

Lexxi, your partner should not only be your lover but your best friend as well.

 

What kind of best friend “doesn’t really call or text, just because”? Best friends call and text you just because ! That’s why they are your best friend. A lover that is also a best friend should care about you even more. At almost a year together, you people should have developed a much closer friendship than this. This man is not all in and you know it. That is exactly why you have anxiety.

 

I agree.

 

OP

He has a nice overnighter "arrangement" twice a week and a quick coffee or lunch one day or a full day when you help him out with his kids but the rest of the time he is Mr Unavailable unless you decide to contact him...

He doesn't want to contact you outwith your allotted time slot, that is the bottom line. He made that clear. People say they will change, but they don't, they do what he did, they appear to change but 3 weeks later they revert to type...

Yes, this relationship has "kind of" improved from a shaky start, but it is by no means optimal, in fact it is pretty dreadful from a romantic point of view.

Here we have a man with his life in order, but that leaves you feeling unwanted and unneeded most of the time. You are chasing him, he is not chasing you.

He gets the good bits, you are available for him, you make the effort to call and text him, you no doubt boost his ego, but you are having to "make do" as he is not showing you he cares for you. Out of sight, out of mind apparently...

 

I know you think this is much more than a fwb arrangement, but I would like to hear his honest opinion on that...

It is a practical arrangement that works for him, you... not so much...

[LoverOfDance]

I wouldn’t say that your relationship is a friends with benefits. It definitely seems to be more than that. However, your bf just doesn’t seem to be as into the relationship as you are. He just seems to have one leg in and the other out.

 

Like I said before, don’t nag him about this. It’s a waste of time. If you find that you are happy MOST of the time in the relationship, then wait things out. Maybe things will change or you can just learn to live with things as they are. If you feel unloved and uncared for most of the time, don’t stay. Find better for yourself and your kids.

[SophieG]

Lexxi, your partner should not only be your lover but your best friend as well.

 

What kind of best friend “doesn’t really call or text, just because”? Best friends call and text you just because ! That’s why they are your best friend.

 

My best friend and I have know each other since we were 2 years old. We NEVER in our life called just because, not even in our teenage years. We’d text or call to see if the other was available to do something soon, but that’s about it. In the last 5 years, I think we called each other 5 times at best. We text sometimes, but definitely not every day and we can go on for 2-3 weeks without talking. Doesn’t I don’t love her or wouldn’t give her my kidney if needed. Not all relationships are the same.

[c1nderella]

Hi lexxi,

 

Glad to see you on here again and hearing you’re still with your guy working things out. I have commented on one of your previous posts before and mentioned I was in a similar situation as you with my bf of 8 months now. The texting mostly just to set up plans basically and this makes me very anxious.

 

So I did some research and I tried to see if maybe this type of communication in between dates was normal and also tried to figure out if maybe I had issues myself that maybe this situation was triggering it. I came to a conclusion based on info I gathered that you should only use texting as a means of planning dates or to remind the other person of an event or to pick up something from the store etc. NOT to “check in” or just because you’re bored or to discuss anything about the relationship. Texts can be misinterpreted sometimes and creates confusion. My bf told me he doesn’t like to use the phone to get to know me..when we’re together in person that’s when we have so much to talk about since we didn’t chit chat during the time we didn’t see each other. You should look at the quality of the time you spend with him in person.

 

After all this I’ve found out I have abandonment issues and I think you might as well. I try not to initiate texts anymore so When I don’t hear from my bf I start to feel anxious and start thinking he’s prob going to ghost me or next time he texts me will be to tell me he found someone else etc...Its getting worse the Longer I’m with my bf and the more attached I get. I try not to put my insecurities on to him and stop looking for reassurance because it’s not his job to make me feel better it’s my doing. Of course it’s easier said than done but I’m working on myself because I know that if I don’t learn to control my issues I'm going to self sabotage and what I fear the most will be a self fulfilling prophecy and he will leave me.

 

I know someone on this forum will probably say, “there’s nothing wrong with you, you just need to find someone that is your match that will fulfill your needs...” blah blah ..again..it’s not the guys job to soothe your anxiety, that’s too much pressure for someone and not to mention it’s exhausting. No matter what if it’s this guy or another guy you date, your issues are still there. I’ve self sabotaged relationships before which turned very unhealthy and I didn’t know why until now. So lexxi I really suggest you read about fear of abandonment and maybe it will help.

Edited August 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator