Did i make the right decision?

[Fey_fey]

I have been seeing this guy for 2 months before we got "committed" and spent another 2 months together. After dating the first two months, i started sensing somthing was off. I asked him if he wanted to get committed to which he reply he didn't want to jump into a relationship. I told him that we were already doing everything people in a relationship do, but he was still dragging his feet so i told him we needed to stop seeing. We stopped talking for 3 weeks, then he came back saying he thought of it and decided he wanted to be in a relationship with me. The reason why he was dragging his feet earlier was because he was skeptical about being in a relationship. He felt he was not ready and has not achieved much. I let it slide and we continued.

 

After he came back, i felt like i was fighting for his attention and forcing the whole thing. He got very busy with work (his job can be very demanding) but nevertheless, he should be able to find a time in a day to talk to me. He leaves my messages hanging for hours. I feel discouraged to even initiate messages. He does not make plans for weekend. I even had to ask myself out to his place one time and he was just "meh" throughout that day. Last two weeks we made plans to see during the weekend (saturday). He called to tell me that afternoon that he has gone to the office. I felt very sad and angry. He apologised saying he went to the office because i didn't say anything about the outing. So he felt i was no longer interested. I was already dressed for the outing.

 

The little time i have spent with him, i see how he handles his phone. He quickly replies messages and always on his phone browsing and checking social media. Then i wonder why it takes him so long to reply when i send him a message.

 

 

I tried to talk to him twice about our declining communication, he said he would do better but does not. The last few days was bad because it felt like i was forcing the whole thing or forcing him to be with me. He stylishly avoids talking about our relationship and it really makes me sad.

 

I thought about it long and hard and finally mustered up courage to end the whole thing since he seems disinterested. I sent him a short text on thursday telling him i could not see him anymore. He tried calling me, i didn't pick up. Then he messaged me to ask what happened. I laid out everything on my mind. I told him " i was not happy because it looks like i am forcing him to be with me. There is no relationship without communication. I feel he has lost interest and does not want to admit it. The whole thing is crushing me and i cant deal with it anymore". He read my message and didnt reply up till date. I didn't call or message him anymore after that last message. I was a little bit relieved because i don't have to guess anymore. His silence was an answer.

 

Then again i started feeling like i didn't make the right decision. Or may be i was too hasty. I just don't know how to feel.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're framing this in a way guaranteed to generate a feeling of rejection.

 

You don't have to frame the relationship this way. You can say look, you want someone (of course!) that really wants a relationship and that is a criteria, a basic criteria, and this guy didn't meet it.

 

BTW: he failed this criteria when he paused on committing to you. That was your mistake. Anyone who hesitates ... usually isn't ready for a relationship or doesn't want to date us ... Stop there next time.

 

You were unhappy with the relationship ... He wasn't available, wasn't consistent, wasn't giving you what you wanted. There's no rejection there. He simply fails to meet your standards.

 

Most likely what happened is that in pushing forward despite his reluctance (never get hopes up about someone who is reluctant--never!) ... you created a fantasy in your head to paper over his obvious lack of interest and commitment. (Don't beat yourself up--many of us do this.)

 

Really the pain you're feeling now is because you betrayed yourself at the start of the relationship. Crude analogy ... by going forward, you did the equivalent of handing over a $100,000 check to a sales agent who never returned your calls, was never in the office and didn't know the details of the product he was allegedly selling. Sales agent disappears and you're wondering why you got scammed.

 

Never go forward or get your heart involved with someone who is reluctant--at all! Relationships require mutual overwhelming passion and commitment. If that's not there, you can invent it and the relationship will fail.

 

Learn and move on ... avoid reluctant people.

[smackie9]

Hmmmmm this story is very familiar...

 

 

You got me at "he didn't want to jump into a relationship". Yes you did the right thing...he was wasting your time. He had no intention of committing to you.