JEG88 Posted August 18, 2019 Posted August 18, 2019 So I’m in the midst of having gone on multiple dates with multiple women from OLD. (Three women, at least 3 dates each. All great in their own way.) I feel like I’ll need to make a choice soon before going too far down the rabbit hole with more than one of them. However, I’ve never really been in this situation before, so looking for others’ experiences in how you navigated making a choice. Nothing sexual has occurred with any of them yet, and I haven’t had any sort of exclusivity talks with any of them yet either. But out of fairness in not leading anyone on, I feel like I need to choose soon. I just wouldn’t know what to say after having gone on multiple dates and building that mutual interest, only to tell them, “sorry I’ll pass” essentially. I get that it’ll be an exercise in deciding which factors are more important for me, and determining which woman has the most compatible combination of traits I desire. I suppose the main question is, what was your thought process when you were weighing a choice like this?
elaine567 Posted August 18, 2019 Posted August 18, 2019 You have been on three dates with each and no-one stands out? No-one is making your heart go pitter patter? I think you need you need to bin them all and start again from scratch. 7
Lotsgoingon Posted August 18, 2019 Posted August 18, 2019 Sounds like you're asking what it feels like to be on a great date with someone you really clicked with. If you had chemistry with any of these women (if any of these women were potential romantic partners) you would come home not being able to shut up about the person ... You'd have to work to keep expectations in check because you would be so psyched to see them again. You would still be laughing at something witty they said. You would really look forward to being with this person again.You would have left that date feeling like this was a fantastic day. I don't sense you had any chemistry with any of the three. Therefore, move on and go out with three new people until you find someone that evokes CLEAR feelings. If you have to ask about this, that just means none of this women really turned you on ... physically or mentally. 2
Author JEG88 Posted August 18, 2019 Author Posted August 18, 2019 Thanks both ^ I think it's been hard to be honest with myself in wanting to make a choice. In my heart I know which woman makes me feel as you describe, but for me it's getting past the whole "Am I settling?" question. I feel like the mere fact of having more choices has held me back from accepting that and letting myself feel these things fully. Like I'm trying to force myself to keep my options open just in case. But I need to realize that's the point of giving it a try with one person to see where things go. This woman has been on a family vacation for the past 2 weeks, but she definitely comes across as excited to see me again when she's back this week. We already have a date planned for next weekend, and I find myself wanting to do all these little things like planning the date at a place she used to go to as a kid. So in reality, and I appreciate the comments so far for making me realize this, the next question I have is, how do I put it out of my mind to not think about "Well there are a bunch of other choices out there" to avoid ruining the chance I want to give this woman?
smackie9 Posted August 18, 2019 Posted August 18, 2019 You shouldn't have to work on putting it out of your mind...if she is the one, you wouldn't have any doubt and make your choice with confidence. 2
SumGuy Posted August 18, 2019 Posted August 18, 2019 .... I just wouldn’t know what to say after having gone on multiple dates and building that mutual interest, only to tell them, “sorry I’ll pass” essentially. ... Not so much passing as you are given one of these "relationships" a chance to grow and being honest with the other two. A less honorable person would keep going until they sleep with one or more of these women, or even after "to be sure." How does saying something like, "I really like you and have had fun together. I don't want to lead you on. I do want you to know there is someone else I've seen that I feel a strong connection to and want to see where that goes. I don't feel that it is fair to anyone to keep seeing more than one person even if it is all in a platonic getting to know you stage. I think you are great, and wish you the best in your search." That's off the cuff but you get the idea. Generally avoid the word "but," as well as "think," better to use "feel" or "believe." The platonic bit is to let her know this not about sex, since it does not sound like it is at all. That this choice is being made based on connection. I'm never sure of that last bit, it seems though it is common, I always get the wish you luck in your search bit.
SumGuy Posted August 18, 2019 Posted August 18, 2019 ... So in reality, and I appreciate the comments so far for making me realize this, the next question I have is, how do I put it out of my mind to not think about "Well there are a bunch of other choices out there" to avoid ruining the chance I want to give this woman? It's ingrained in most of us that fear of missing out, am I making the right choice thinking, choice paralysis. Good to a point. The nature of life is we often have to make choices on incomplete information, and we're lucky (though it doesn't feel that way) when we have multiple good things to choose from. Yes there is risk, but most rewards in life come with risk. For me I just realize this, "forgive" yourself up front if you end up making the wrong choice and then choose. Then read "If" by Rudyard Kipling
Watercolors Posted August 18, 2019 Posted August 18, 2019 OP, you really shouldn't expect anyone else to know if you're settling as no one knows your heart but you. Only you "know" that answer. If you want to try to be exclusive with 1 of these 3 women to see where it goes then do it. Otherwise, start over. As another poster suggested, let them go, and keep looking. That's the dating game for you. No one here can tell you if you're settling. That is an impossible question to answer. Only you can answer that question. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted August 18, 2019 Posted August 18, 2019 Sounds like you are excited about one of the three women you have gone out on dates with. So stop seeing the other two. You don't need an explanation. Hi X. It was good to meet you. I don't think we have the required romantic chemistry. I wish you well. BTW: they need to know this information--stated this bluntly--so they can stop wasting time with you and keep going towards someone who puts them as #1. Now ... here's the point ... now you focus on this one woman who excites you ... Still, you are not committing. You still don't know her well. You are still getting to know her. That's the purpose of the dates. If woman #1 blows you away and you still can't commit, then you may simply not be ready to commit. Then go ahead and continue dating multiple people. For most people, the question of settling gets quieted when they meet someone in front of them that they REALLY like. It may be that you don't even like woman #1 enough ... And it may be that you are still deciding what you want in a relationship and that's fine! Many people don't think clearly about the type of person they want. So, if that's the case, I say keep dating ... you can date to learn the kind of person you really want to be with ... and thus be ready to recognize people like this when they cross your path. My two cents ... accusing yourself of being too picky ... often does not work. You talk yourself into going out with someone--you really don't need to talk yourself into seeing someone who (to exaggerate a bit) makes you happy to be alive.
Curiousroxy86 Posted August 18, 2019 Posted August 18, 2019 In response to the original post... Well for me personally I focus on the suitor I like that show more boyfriend-like qualities. but I won’t focus on a guy on purpose until a guy stands out in that way. I don’t focus on a guy just for the hell of it and just because he is there or solely because I find him attractive and no further deeper qualities present or just because I feel pressure to pick somebody. I focus because he actually shows that he is focusing on me and have actions that show he is interested in pursuing a relationship with me and that show he is a decent guy thus far in conjunction with me being attracted to him. Most people focus because they want to focus. The desire/want to is there first and the action of focusing follows. So if making the decision is too hard right now then you can always just wait to focus on one when you actually feel the desire to focus towards a particular one. But if you just have to choose now and want to make a decision based on what’s wise and not just chemistry... is there a girl that seems more communicative, have her head on straight, more relationship oriented, more interested in you, more consistent, more reciprocal, more affectionate, more respectful, more nice, more easy going, lacking less red flags, more compatible with you/get you more than the other two? Because if your just looking at what’s attractive and you like them all well that won’t be of much help. They may all be decent looking enough, funny, sexy, and fun. Okay but which one stands out and shows qualities that seems more like a great girlfriend? Which one feels more girlfriend-like than the other two dates? Looking at it from that angle might be of some help to figure out who actually stands out from superficial attractive qualities. But If nobody is truly standing out in any significant way to you then I personally don’t see a reason to focus yet. I mean unless you want to do eenie meenie miney mo lol. If you pick when no one stood out without perceiving any reason that gives you the desire to actually pursue a relationship with a particular one then it would just be a random pick that you more than likely will take for granted to begin with or try to push actions that you don’t even genuinely feel and if the one you randomly chose doesn’t work out then you unnecessarily let go of two decent options instead of taking time to get to know these girls in a meaningful way and making a wise informed decision or atleast a decision that is more authentic and organic. If after a little bit of time getting to know them and nobody is still standing out to you then I would argue that you either dont really like any of the girls that much to begin with and is just holding onto them simply because they are there and represent “options” or that they are all either pretty flaky or inconsistent or you are being flaky and inconsistent towards them and not really getting to know them enough to be able to make a genuine authentic decision to either pursue one or let them all go if incompatible and go back to the drawing board lol. If none of those things are the case then I would just say give it a little bit more time and you should know what you actually want to do. You shouldn’t have to juggle for a long time. After getting to know them a bit you should eventually be able to come to a decision on which one you feel the desire to want to focus on or know that none of them wouldn’t be good to focus on and look elsewhere. Are you asking these girls out? If so how often are you seeing them? Are you going on one date per week or every few weeks and not talking to anyone in between? If so then I would imagine it will take you a longer time to get a feel for who these women are and no one for quite awhile would stand out or be eliminated if you only see/talk to them on an inconsistent basis anyway. Also it may help to give a brief summary on what you like about each girl and any red flags you notice. If you don’t mind of course. Just my 2 cents. Good luck!
h0000 Posted August 19, 2019 Posted August 19, 2019 (edited) the next question I have is, how do I put it out of my mind to not think about "Well there are a bunch of other choices out there" to avoid ruining the chance I want to give this woman? When you meet the one, you wont have this question anymore, because you know you never felt what you feel with her. Edited August 19, 2019 by h0000
spiderowl Posted August 19, 2019 Posted August 19, 2019 If each of them turned round and finished things with you, which would you miss the most? I think having the choice is confusing you. It's difficult if none of them stand out enough for you to miss them.
spiritedaway2003 Posted August 19, 2019 Posted August 19, 2019 OP, IMHO, too many choices can paralyze your decision making. Of the 3, go with the one that most stands out to you to explore to see if there's something more (don't drag on too long though, you should know in a few dates if there's something there). If NONE of them stands out, then start over. If there isn't any chemistry and you kept staying for the sake of being in a relationship, then you would fall into the trap of settling. Until then, you're just getting to know people. Good luck.
Recommended Posts