megabit15 Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 Oh I would hate if anyone would feel unwelcome here! It's always great to hear from people who have been on more sides, and who have moved on. Some of us are in the stage where one day is great and the next day you wonder if it's ever gonna get better. Thank you for your words and your view, it sure helps. L I worried about being intrusive because it has been quite a while since I was in those situations. This thread is about NC, and I am not in that situation. I respect the process you are all going through and don't want to take the focus off of this important phase of your lives. Yes, it does get better - and easier.
megabit15 Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 thankyou megabit15, not an intrusion at all, a very welcome piece of wisdom. its a great point you make, to realise, theres not something wrong with us, to make them not want to leave or commit to us. i think alot of the time without realising it, we do take it personally. Yeah, I did that too. I also used to take the lies as a personal affront to my intelligence.
newbby Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 megabit15, your story is very inspiring. obstacles can be overcome, and if we learn from our mistakes and use them to spiritually develop ourselves then the pain is never without gain. thankyou! how is everyone else doing at the moment, is everyone still in nc? i just want to say, if anybody isnt, please dont feel you cant keep posting. it doesnt matter, sometimes we have to do these things again and again before we finally succeed with them.
Sunset Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 hi, just checking in, still maintaining nc, have up and down 'hours never mind days' but still here. He still has not been in touch - heard an old michael jackson song which made me think - 'one day in your life' seemed very apt! he has not been touch, not sure if that makes easier or harder - both really, easier that 'ball is in his court' but hard in the 'wtf has he not been in touch thoughts/scenarios'. but I AM getting better, IT IS getting easier, slowly I see an improvement - hours pass without him crossing my mind, when he does resort to trying to see him for the arse he is, makes it easier that the last couple of times we met iot was very sexually orientated but not much else, ie the emotional feelings had reduced. I survive on petty thoughts, he is 3 years older than me, is very vain and has started losing his hair - he isn't one of those guys who will look sexy with no hair either. once her loses the hair he will lose the ability to 'pull the girls'. I on the other hand still look ok, need to stop smoking, down to 3 a day so getting there, would like to lose a little weight but all in all I am not bad without blowing my own trumpet too much! Like the 'one day in your life' I hope he thinks back and remembers. So still on NC, it is 'my turn' to email as when we last met I said I would. Does that mean I have the upper hand or do I only achieve the upper hand when he realises and contacts me? Thoughts please fellow posters?
newbby Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 you have the upper hand in your own life, because you have decided to end it with him. as far as he goes, he, will realise soon enough that you have not contacted him, and he may try and contact you or may not. soon you will get to a point where you dont care, anyway. the point is, you deserve better, and if he is not the kind of man that realises that or even cares about that, then you are settling for less than you deserve every time you spend time with him. i am pretty sure my xmm thinks that he is pretty lucky to get away from me so easy and he never returned my last contact with him, but, he wasnt looking for more from me than a piece on the side and i realise that now. that doesnt mean that he is better than me or that i am not good enough for him. it means that i was not happy in that role and it means that he never cared about who i was, only about what i could provide for him. his problem. as long as i realise i am worth better what he thinks should not concern me. it is the same with you. think about all of your relationships, sometimes i have fallen in love with people who didnt deserve it and sometimes i have not fallen in love with people who did. it all depended on where i was at, or what needs i thought i had at the time. it was definetly no reflection on those people, either good or bad. sometimes and very occasionally, we fall in love with the right person at the right time. those are the relationships that should be nurtured and cherished. not these "relationships" with mm who do not appreciate us.
newbby Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 hello all, my update is that i have been spending alot of time talking to a single guy. he is very nice and very interested. i am definetly not rushing into anything. he is very interested and it is difficult to not push him away entirely but to keep it going slowly. it feels so good, to know that there are single guys out there who are just as interesting as married ones, even if nothing comes of it.
legrtova Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 hello all, he is very interested and it is difficult to not push him away entirely but to keep it going slowly. it feels so good, to know that there are single guys out there who are just as interesting as married ones, even if nothing comes of it. Oh I feel your pain! (And I'm happy for you ). I didn't do so well with 'my' single guy last night. We used to have a short fling few years back, he drove 2 hours last night to join me at my friends wedding party. As soon as he became interested and started rubbing my back and such, I lost it. He left mad. I was mean. Ugh. Good luck, taking it slow is the way to go;) P.S. NC day 5. Feels like it's been forever. I had a 'poor me' and 'I hate you you f***** Mother f****' night last night. OOps.
guest Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 Anyone heard from lennered? Is she OK? hey guys! Its lynnered they kicked me off for : Your account is currently restricted from the forum for the following reason: Consistently Inappropriate Derogatory Commentary in Forums ... Not Permitted. You may contact us for additional information or assistance in restoring access to the site. I emailed them no responce yet! I think over that thing with lust4life! which she started and i notified them 3 times before i got nasty with herWTF If they dont restate me dont worry ill be back soon. still NC . I chopped my hair off so mad !!why did i do that ?MM loved it long ,thats probly why i chopped it off. U guys have been doing great keep it up!!
cherrie498 Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Hey guys! I feel off my NC wagon : ( But the thing is I dont feel bad about it. We spent the weekend together, doing nothing. He of course lied to W & rented us a room we really never left the room. (very unusual for us- we usually go out) It was very nice. We talked CALMLY about our situation, our options, the reality of it all. I feel a sense of relief. Really dont have any more questions answered than I did on Friday but feel 1,000 times better. For the past weeks I have felt like I had to grab & hold onto the anger & hate that of course comes when you are involved with a MM that is full of more promises than actions. that made my life, every aspect of it misrable!!! We have decided to come to terms with our relationship, the reality of it. 1. That WE share something very real & something that I for one cant just let go of. 2. That he is commited to his W & C I just dont have it in me to have such a cut & dry ending. I make myself misreable. As I told him him just being in my life makes everything else easier; dating, work, LIFE He agreed that me being in his day to day life made it easier on him. (this I knew & reason of my 100th attempt @ NC....but why make my life miserable just so his is) Is this me just taking what I can get?? Sadly I want to say YES, but I feel soooo much better RIGHT NOW?!?!?!?!
legrtova Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 I've been there, too. We also had that feeling of the day being so much better when we saw/talked each other (and we did all the time...not sure why it took the W 9 months to find out). When I first broke my NC, I felt great...but I later realized that I felt good because I saw him again..the same safety happy feeling I had before we ended it. Now I am in my sixth day of NC. Today is bad. I miss him...but heck...he too was comitted to WandC and I wanted him so bad.... I don't know what to tell you....get hurt now or get hurt later? Good luck girlie!
cherrie498 Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 legrtova glad to hear someone else has been here, so much of me wants to feel weak for giving into my wants & accepting what he will give. We have had an A for 3 yrs. W has known for 2 up until the past 9 months or so we also spent time together,lunch, evenings, weekends, ect....then I had to escape it-well try. He focused on getting things back together at home & I moved BUT here we are again.W now preg- as if the 2 C werent enough NOW I know that he wont leave. But I cant just push him out of my life....not right now I just cant!!! I thought of telling him about this site, although he would know who I was by the SN but for him to read it all. I think all of you may be just has helpful for him.What do you think? He really is sincere. We have trust issues, obvious why I would with him & I guess him with me considering how we started. He says he is scared, that being th #1 reason he doesnt leave backed up with the security of his W & C, that is all he has ever know. MM & W have been together since they where 16 (she got preg w/1st chid then) he is now 31, so their whole life has been together. I can understand how he cant leave, but what is it he is missing? This just sucks. I know its either hurt now or hurt later.....later just seems easier. : (
sooooohurt Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Hi everyone I would be on day 6 If i hadnt contacted mm last night!!!! I didnt speak to him just dropped him a quick message, a mutual friend told me his brother had died and his Dad was ill, so I just sent a message saying I was sorry to hear that and i was thinking about him, he hasnt contacted me, but do you think I did the right thing?
OldEurope Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 You have broken NC. The fact that you have to learn such terrible news in this cryptic roundabout way to which you respond with a text message is itself evidence that this relationship has run its course. Now you will start spinning about if he does not respond, making your anxiety grow, and possibly setting you back on square one. And be wary of the "I need to hold you" response he might make using his trauma as an excuse. Broken NC is broken NC and it is not good.
sooooohurt Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 ok thats very true............ I was sat here thinking why hasnt he awknowledged the message and wondering if i should send another....... I guess ill leave him and his family to deal with their grief, and forget i heard about it, and its true if he wanted me to know he would have told me himself. AAAArrrrrgggghhhh, so hard to know what to do in these situations.
OldEurope Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 "Soooooo", just chalk it up to a shy-but-polite attempt to show your concern. Chin up, shoulders back, deep breath. Let it go. DO NOT write again. Then you will cross the line into showing your "true colors"..i.e. that you are using this sad event to dig a wee bit of attention-getting from afar. Take a walk, go pick out some autumn plants, buy yourself a new autumn perfume, consider those flying lessons you always wanted (smile)...but LEAVE THE PHONE, and just let this PASS.
sooooohurt Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Thanks OE will do, leave the PC and phone alone I hope this doesnt mean i have to start from day 1 again????? How long have you been NC?
OldEurope Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Am an OW turned W, so I float by here to give advice that I think might work. Have a thread that I wrote sometime ago that describes my story. But I did serious NC, and smaller versions, so it does really bring the truth of what you have (or do not have) into the clear.
OldEurope Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 I hope this doesnt mean i have to start from day 1 again????? No, you are not at "day one" again because of the reasonable circumstances of your contact with him. If anything, it shows certain manners. HOWEVER, that has GOT to be it. NO MORE. If you write a kind of "just wanted to know again how you are" and this nature of thing, it will be glaringly transparent and THEN you will truly be at day one again, or day sub-zero, because it then becomes "corrective NC", which you will have to work "harder" to maintain (he'll have seen your weakness about NC, in other words). Just, as I said, laugh this one off..."experience" etc...and get creatively busy on yourself
newbby Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Hello everyone, To those who have broken nc, but had no response. I have sent the odd message myself, but, did not consider it important enough to write in here. This is because, as OE said, it only showed me that the relationship is dead and I did not go back to square 1, for that reason. NC for some, is about trying to get him to see what he is missing and for others it is about moving on entirely. If NC changes nothing in him, whatever the reasons for it, then that only shows that it is time to move on. You are always moving forward one way or another, if you dont allow yourself to get dragged back into the same old patterns. So take it that the contact taught you something more, that it is over, and move on. My point is, that it is only a setback if you allow it to be. Cherrie, now that you have talked about it seriously, what conclusion did you arrive at? Was it to continue being the ow, indefinetly?
sooooohurt Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Oh its brilliant it worked for you, I think mine is a serial cheater though……….. has done b4, Wife knows still with him, got pregnant on purpose usual story. I told him id never have him back, he told me I would but we’d have to work on things first. The truth is I did nc for 8 mnths and then I went back and it was different, horribly so, never felt like so much of a whore in my whole life, but I still adore him everything I ever wanted, in fact I had a crush on him since I was 12………. But yeah that’s it now no more relapses!!!! So taking your advice im on DAY 6
newbby Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Oh its brilliant it worked for you, I think mine is a serial cheater though……….. has done b4, Wife knows still with him, got pregnant on purpose usual story. I told him id never have him back, he told me I would but we’d have to work on things first. The truth is I did nc for 8 mnths and then I went back and it was different, horribly so, never felt like so much of a whore in my whole life, but I still adore him everything I ever wanted, in fact I had a crush on him since I was 12………. But yeah that’s it now no more relapses!!!! So taking your advice im on DAY 6 i think you'll find if you read old europes post is that her mm was of a rather different breed than these serial cheaters or those who are just looking for a bit of fun on the side. sooo hurt, i felt like my xmm was the only one for me too until i questioned myself deeply on what did i really want and met this new single guy who has all the wit and personality i found in xmm and MORE, and after comparing the treatment from both, that i LIKE being treated well, and as number 1!!
foolinlove Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Hello All.....was able to read a little as to how everyone's weekend went with NC and the healing process. On Sat....MM broke NC by showing up at my house driving his "new" Vette...(just had it fixed and new tires put on)...wanted to take me for a "ride". I didn't answer the door for a few minutes..but he knew i was home..he asked me to take a ride with him...I told him no...he pleaded that he had things to say....I told him the only thing I want to hear is how you are taking care of YOUR issues...."obvioulsy you arn't if you are so worried about getting your car on the road". And shut the door in his face....OMG..that hurt so much. He later called, told me I was cold and rude...and that he only wanted to tell me he is working on things...I hung up. Am I being too cold? Is he going to think I don't want things to work with us? I told him how it was for me...what he had to do...and until then things would never be the same! Could I make him think I'm no longer interested in him by being so cold? I know that I've given him SOOOO much time...but could it be he needs reassurance? I don't have that left in me anymore...I feel like i was getting so strong and he has set me back. Why don't he let me be? Old Europe, I was wondering how is life being married to an older man..you said he is 20 yrs your senior? Just wondering because I am in a similar situation...was hoping for insight into your life, do you have children together? Do you find any issues between the two of you? Keep posting ladies.....We are 10 days...kinda NC.....keep being strong!
newbby Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 legrtova, sorry i didnt reply to your post, i must have missed it! sorry your date didnt go too well, but consider it a rebound!! the guy i am talking with i already liked all the time through mm but he was with someone, not anymore though. glad to hear you are still being strong!!
Art_Critic Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 kinda NC .. You are either doing NC ( no contact ) or you are not.. In your case you are NOT doing NC There is no kinda..
Recommended Posts