Sami_D Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 Downer day for me everyone, sorry to take the sparkle off but I am not coping at all well with this. Just been to MacDonalds and stuffed myself, felt temporarily better, but now just feel fat, full, sick and still miserable. I want to know he is missing me but I am pssed off because he hasn't even been in touch. I know It's childish but I sooooo want him to miss me just so I can say FU and feel better that he is miserable. I don't want him but I want him to realise I am doing NC - does that make sense!!!???? Its like I am doing all this effort with NC and he hasn't even noticed! Maybe that's a bad sign because this is supposed to be about me healing not getting one over. Just feeling sad - you are all in america it seems so everytime I log on no-one is there and I miss out on all the conversations until the next day. Wow... I have no idea how I missed this the first time..? See above for my response to cherrie wondering some of the same things. And... I'm in the UK too... and I feel the same way as you. I get to read the night's posts in the morning (for me) and feel somewhat 'out of it' too.
Author lynnered Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 cherrie are you doing this for you? Does it matter what he thinks or doesn't think, does or doesn't do? Try and focus on you, and your needs. Try not to think about what he's doing. Wondering about how he's taking things is such a hard habit to break. Also, to everyone doing NC at this time... I just want to say - good for you, keep it up, be as strong as you can be. The rest of us are really behind you and hope you do well, because we might want to have faith in your story one day (... just thinking of myself here... if i need to break it off at some point). Lynne... I hope you're getting some rest x I thank U sami_d!, a few hours yes talked to my therapist by phone for a few minutes (any longer she would have to charge me:lmao: )she said i sound wired! Cherrie U are going to be fine !!this takes time ,im in pain but i know it gets better from all my NC experience ,U start to feel wonderful ,like ok what am i going to do 1st? then he calls thats always my down fall so i keep thinking im down so ok hes not going to call,get better ,so when he calls DONT ANSWER! U want him to hurt ?leave her?grow up?whatever U want will not happen if U always coddle him like a damn baby everytime he needs U . If he wants to stay with W or has too:rolleyes: LET HIM ,LET HIM DEAL WITH THAT I AM TIRED OF BEING MISERABLE ,CAUSE OF PROBLEMS HE CREATED ,HE PICKED HER HER KNEW SHE WAS A NUT,HE CANT WALK AWAY CAUSE OF c ,CAUSE ITS MONDAY,CAUSE OF WHATEVER IM SICK OF IT ALL ! U NEED TO GET MAD !AND NOT CARE IT COMES & GOES WITH ME ,I LOVE HIM BUT F*** HIM . IM DEALING WITH MY PAIN ALONE ,IM NOT LETTING HIM SCREW ME UP ANYMORE &I WILL WHOOP UR A** CHERRIE IF U BACK DOWN:lmao:
Author lynnered Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 go for a jog or something. or put on some loud music an dance it out. i want to scream !!i did a little in car when i drove through a area where no houses just cows:o real brief ,i am going for a drive today & will find somewhere to scream ,weird im just angry & want to get it out:D It will be ok cherrie time is all we need
Author lynnered Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 Newbby :) Thank you, yes I did not think of it like that, maybe they aren't missing us at this moment but they will, esp when their other relationship is going through a rough stage, they will look longingly back... And it must 'hit them where it hurts' to not be having the ego boost of the attention from us don't you think? Eating MacDonalds isn't the answer, I need to get fit, my self esteem is at a really low ebb and I am doing myself no favours by stuffing Big Mac and fries, barbecue sauce and Macflurries down my neck washed down with full fat coke and a coffee. Sure felt good though! MMMM a big mac extra sauce ,onions+pickles ,a coke&fries !! IM getting me some of that later ive only been eating 1x a day ceral or oatmeal some grapes . i only weigh 108 want to get up to 120:( maybe ill get some nuggetts too!&eat every bite
Author lynnered Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 sunset, well i have changed from the positive state i was in earlier and am now feeling very much as you described yourself. i too wish that he would miss me, but, i know he doesnt. at some point though, they will! whatever it was that he spent time with you for, are things that he wanted from you, and he cannot possibly not miss you. Yes it just takes time ,&how do U know he doesnt just cause he doesnt show it? hes probly in denial shell be back ,and so on . It will hit him when U feel better! Never fails & we need to not be around to see that cause we will be so busy living our lives
Author lynnered Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 1) Denial 2) Out of control 3) Loneliness & depression 4) The blame phase 5) Anger 6) Accepting the situation 7) Healing and moving on from the start of this thread ! are we not all going through this 1-5 would be me!! we have to go through 1-5 to get to 6&7!! we are im getting alot of my feeings out here with my people:love: We will all be ok . We wont be ok if we back down&have to start over ! So no matter what NO BACKING DOWN
newbby Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 well i was definetly stage 5 yesterday, then this morning pretty convinced i was in stage 6, now suddenly back to 3 again. its annoying.
Author lynnered Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 Once more time passes we will all be better ! I promise ! We need to get out our thoughts & feelings so we can let them go,we are not alone! We have each other we do not need to talk to MM about these things!
newbby Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 it is true, and we will never know that we can do without them if we dont try it. i have a feeling, that once we get to november we wont even care about what they are doing, whether they miss us, if they have another ow...
joodee Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 Hi all, I'm hanging in there, I am sticking to NC on my end, the problem with me is that he works in the same building, and just like clockwork comes by to say hi. I haven't responded to texts and e-mails, I think that is driving him a little nuts, but on my end I am not. I guess I have to accept the fact that he will keep trying to get my attention while I ignore him. Which is so odd because I know he is dating others, but won't admit it. That's when I really threw the towel in, he's just nuts. A true player. Why he would still see what I am up to is beyond me. The last text conversation I had with him last week ended with him saying "why do you care?" after I asked about what he did on Friday night. I wrote back saying "that is the last time you will say that to me, that is very disrespectful." He wrote something back like l was being cranky, bad mood, etc., but long story short his saying "why do you care?" is his stock answer to cover up what he's been up to and to deflect the blame on me. And I told myself that if he ever said that to me again, I would cease communication with him, cause he really doesn't care about me if he keeps saying that (even after he knows how I feel about him). That's my update. I want to be like you all and feel much better (and hopefully have other dates) by the end of November. Now do I mean this? Well, maybe not, cause I think I am in love with him, but I have to mean it for my sake, and do the action despite how I feel. Hope you all are well.
newbby Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 joodee!!! good to see you! i am so glad you are doing nc. its gotta be better hasnt it? as for being in love, well, i am too. i just know i dont want to be treated with disrespect anymore.
joodee Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 Me too!!! It's like I have given up all the rights from him to treat me well, and he probably now thinks he can do anything and I'll still want him, and that's not why I started seeing him, to be treated with disrespect. Well I'm not allowing it anymore. They say you teach others how to treat you, and by me taking him back after he begs and is all nice just is not going to cut it anymore. The disrespect has just gotten worse. Here's a mantra: I respect myself and others respect me as well. Let's keep saying that everyday for the rest of this month. Hugs to you.
TheDiva Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 It might help if every time you start thinking of MM and the lovey dovey feelings, switch to a time when he completely let you down and disappointed you. Let it get you back to ANGER stage. (not the sad stage.) MM has for, whatever the endless list of various reasons may be, decided that he will not leave his commitment to the W, therefore you are fully entitled to be selfish enough to take your life back and live for you. So that one day, near or far off future, you can have a man that will treat you as you deserve. And he won't have to keep a 'dirty little secret' You are all doing so great. It really is a very hard thing to go through, but my wish for all of you is that one day........ you see him on the street looking haggard and depressed with a gaggle of children and a big fat wife cracking the whip over his head and you think......... WHAT AN IDIOT
TheDiva Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 Sorry I just took my pill a lil while ago and my head is cloudy
heyitsmichele Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 Hi guys. Well I had the best evening. I went to this seminar called MITT. Its a great motivational class/therapy session where you discuss the things you want in your life, and how to obtain them. It is very eye opening, and I would reccomend it to anyone seeking change in their life. It is no joke. They get underneath to reveal what is really holding you back in life, and why you settle for the life you have if you are not happy. It was a lot of fun..lots of emotions and a wonderful group of people ..I'm sure they do these seminars all over, and not just Los Angeles. I just want to say that you guys are doing amazing. It's amazing that you took the first step to better your life. That takes real courage because it is so easy to justify a relationship with a married man. I used to tell myself ..well, I am the single one..I am free to see whomever I choose...Hes the Low cheater ...however, one day the guilt really hit me. Since we have a baby, I am working SO hard on our friendship. We have our moments, but for the most part things are working out ok. Each day that goes by gets a little easier, and I'm finally feeling better about myself. I think everyone should start getting out of the house, and find really great things to occupy your time with. I think its a great idea to go to a support group, or any kind of self help class. I wish I knew all of you on a personal level, and that we all lived close so we could really get to know one another. I think we would all find that we have so much more in common. There is nothing better than a friend that really understands, and really wants to hear your story. Hugs to everyone, you are all amazing women, and I REALLY mean that. Keep up the strength.
newbby Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 joodee, (hugs) to you too, and you will feel better soon enough, with enough nc. it is hard when you have to see them, but, not impossible and also, looking at it another way, they get to realise sooner, that you are in nc with them. just be cool. diva, thats good advice, i am sure we can all think of plenty of things our exmm's dissapointed us with!!! hey its michelle, wow! you sound so positive, this class sounds amazing, and it is great advice to start doing some positive things like this. even without going to the class, we can all outline objectives in our lives and start working towards making it happen. more times than not, it is only us holding ourselves back from happiness and the kind of lives we want to be living. well as for me, i feel really good now. i am not looking back anymore, theres no point. i am using my experiences to learn from and realise what i really want from a relationship, AND i have somebody in mind to make that happen with. i am not rushing into this though and have other things that i want to do first and alongside. i have accepted that it is a no win situation with xmm, i already knew this really, but hung in there for temporary comfort. well all that does is keep you from moving forward, and i want to move forward now. it was a big mistake, but, i am not going to keep living it.
legrtova Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 Hey guys! Congrats on your accomplishments! Your posts give me the strenght to keep on going..i come here to reassure my self I did the right thing... Yesterday was a bit depressing, but it was OK. I realized today that if it wasn't for you and your stories, I would still be stuck in hope and I would still be talking/seeing him! He chose his wife after she found out (after all the 'I love you, I don't love her, I know I can be happy with you, but I'm not sure if I can be happy with her...blah blah blah) without even winking. Then she blocked his email (well, took over to be correct....i got a couple of nasties from her...in HIS name..haha), checks his phone, etc. He used to call from payphone...pathetic, huh. After I read all your stories, I realized that I will NEVER get better if I continue life like that, and that it will NEVER change. I can't express how thankful I am to all of you, I feel so much better! Yes, I love him, but I can move on without him... Just entered day 4 of NC! Thank you all so much! L.
legrtova Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Eh, today SUCKS! Great day, OK afternoon, gradually getting worse at night...went to a bar for pool tournament...my xMM and I used to hang out there, and my world fell appart again. I play pool out of there, so it's not like I haven't been there since we broke it off....so WTF?!?! Today I laughed, I cried, I screamed, I cursed, now I'm just trying to wear my self out to be able to sleep. How do you guys deal with your fall-backs? Do you just wait it out? God I miss him today so bad...it's not helping to remind my self he lied and such... So many emotions, I don't know where to start first....pick it apart, let it go through its own process, overcome it...??? AARRGGHHH!!!
heyitsmichele Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Ever wonder if they really miss us like we miss them?
newbby Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 they dont, they have their lives and their wives, on the other hand, we have our lives too. legrtova, i did have a moment like that yesterday. somebody mentioned him in conversation (they obviously dont know) and suddenly i missed him like crazy, and had that sadness, i will never be a real part of his life. then i thought, well, thats just it, i never would. always a secret. i rode it out and talked myself out of it and got post happy on here kept busy with lots of stuff. it passed.
megabit15 Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 People cheat when there is something missing in a relationship. I know y'all don't know me, and might feel like I am an unwelcome intrusion. I am sorry if that is the case and won't post again. But please realize I understand what you're going through and am writing to encourage and support you. I've been on many sides of this situation. Was the OW, was the Wife, was the Married Cheater. Sorry to say, but the above quote is simply inaccurate. Another way of looking at this quote is to ask "does that mean that something is wrong with you or your relationship that they are still with their spouse?" This seems to imply a belief that if you were good enough, they would leave their spouse. Yet, this rarely happens. Without help, cheaters cheat with those who accept their conditions until the spouse finds out. They stop for a while, and unless they get help, they cheat again. What Art Critic posted about his father is true for most in this situation. If they actually do leave their spouse, they will cheat on the next one (ie: YOU) Cheating isn't about the spouse, affair partner or relationship not being good enough. It is something missing inside the cheater. Sure - they love both their spouses and affair partners. But they are unable to sustain a monogamous relationship - lies, deceit, confusion and hiding are a big part of the only kind love that they are capable of giving - unless they get a lot of help. Most are unwilling to get it because they believe their own lies and blame someone else for their actions. I don't mean this as a slap in the face, it is a reality I had to accept when I was in those situations many years ago. After I made my decision to end it with MM, I got busy with activities to help take my mind off of it (mostly gym, therapy and assorted self help stuff). I also found a new job, changed my email and phone # (both unlisted) and eventually moved. It helped that I was angry and tired of the lies too. Yes, I did all of this because I was THAT tired of hurting. One guy even showed me phoney divorce papers! Sheesh! I totally applaud y'all for the NC - not out of some moral stance, but because you are unhappy with the situation and are taking responsibility for your own happiness. Knowing you deserve that happiness and unraveling the belief that s/he is not leaving a spouse because you aren't good enough or that you won't find someone else is important!! I know it's an intense emotional rollercoaster ride, but if you go back, it will continue to be a rollercoaster. If you keep moving forward there will be sunshine heyitsmichele has an awesome idea in joining a class as does foolinlove with joining volleyball as do others with the counseling. It's great that you have this forum for support. Bravo ladies!
legrtova Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 I know y'all don't know me, and might feel like I am an unwelcome intrusion. I am sorry if that is the case and won't post again. But please realize I understand what you're going through and am writing to encourage and support you. I've been on many sides of this situation. Was the OW, was the Wife, was the Married Cheater. Oh I would hate if anyone would feel unwelcome here! It's always great to hear from people who have been on more sides, and who have moved on. Some of us are in the stage where one day is great and the next day you wonder if it's ever gonna get better. Thank you for your words and your view, it sure helps. L
newbby Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 thankyou megabit15, not an intrusion at all, a very welcome piece of wisdom. its a great point you make, to realise, theres not something wrong with us, to make them not want to leave or commit to us. i think alot of the time without realising it, we do take it personally.
Sami_D Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 ... Was the OW, was the Wife, was the Married Cheater. --- Cheating isn't about the spouse, affair partner or relationship not being good enough. It is something missing inside the cheater. Sure - they love both their spouses and affair partners. But they are unable to sustain a monogamous relationship - lies, deceit, confusion and hiding are a big part of the only kind love that they are capable of giving - unless they get a lot of help. Hello megabit. You say you were the Married Cheater once..? What kinds of things do you think were missing in you? What kind of help did you get? How did it help?
megabit15 Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 Hi Sami, Well, it was a long process...many years. Therefore this is a long, albeit condensed, post. It wasn't until I found myself repeating patterns of behavior with subsequent boyfriends that I could admit that maybe I had a problem - that it wasn't just my husband. (He really was an a$$, and I could easily justify my actions back then - even though I felt horrible for hurting him and my son by cheating). I noticed myself doing the same thing or having the same problems in relationships without him. I looked back at the relationships before my ex-husband and found the same pattern that I was doing after my divorce. I wasn't capable of consistently loving one person, there was always an eye out for 'next' or some type of inappropriate flirting to boost my own self worth. I got bored easily with most men, and gained and dropped affections randomly and frequently or got hung up on men who could/would not love me the way I needed. Either way, I inevitably wound up with a guy who either was incapable of committing to me, bored me to death, or had some fatal flaw that made it impossible to commit to him. (Hence a couple of married men, one guy who broke my heart, and me breaking a lot of guy's hearts). I read a lot of books on red flags, emotional abuse, how to tell if he's the one, etc etc etc, 10 stupid thing women do to mess up their lives and other Dr. Laura books. Yes, she's extreme, but she gave me a perspective other than the non-working one I was using. I went to counseling during this time as well. Dealt with issues of childhood molestation. Realized I was being picky about the wrong things and not picky enough on the right things - for me. I got smarter, knew myself better, made better decisions. Read Conversations with God which helped me to accept that I may never find 'the right guy'. After a time of depression, I was able to make a decision to be happy with or without a guy. I listed daily 20 things to be grateful for and 5 things I liked about myself - mostly the basic things I took for granted. I studied Buddhism and meditated which also helped a lot. I worked hard at my job and got a lot better pay too. I stopped looking to fill that empty void within with a destructive external source - a man, clothes, working, drinking, etc. (Although I still do work too much) Even though I still thought "I just haven't met the right guy yet", I was no longer rushing to find him in inappropriate people. I did not date for 2 years, which I was finally okay with. I really did not want any one to end up with more broken hearts. Then I read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter. The book is a bit extreme in some of it's descriptions and scenarios, but it helped me to discover that me never finding 'the right guy' was due to my issues with intimacy and commitment. Despite all my crying and suffering - the reality was I couldn't stand the thought of being tied down to one person - a daily routine felt boring and claustrophobic. Due in part to fear, due in part to being more intellectually oriented than a lot of guys. I used to think I needed more space than most other people, but I discovered it really was fear of abandonment and hurt. I feared a man would get bored of me - whether sexually or mentally, as I usually did of him. I feared that a man would always cheat. I looked back at relationships and saw that the on again off again affairs really was all I was capable of at time. So now, I'm currently dating a man whom I totally respect and admire. He's smart, optimistic, funny, affectionate. After dating him for 10 months, I can honestly say that I love him, but I am scared at times. We're taking it very slow - we see each other a day or two a week, and talk on the phone most days. He knows most of what I've written here - some in general, some in high level specifics. I do not burden him with emotional vomit. (at least I hope not!) I'd like for a relationship to eventually lead to marriage - too soon to know if this one will. I read books on communication - how to have conversations, how men think, how successful couples work. Trying hard to find a solution and behavior oriented approach to work through fears. I keep the details of the emotional sorting out process private or with very trusted girlfriends, but do communicate with him about them at a higher level. Luckily for me, he is patient, and is as independent as I am. Like I said - a long process. But honestly, I am consistently happier now than I've ever been. 1
Recommended Posts