newbby Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 well you lot all sound so strong. i am not at all, maybe because my xmm actually hates me at the moment, anyway, so i am really not denying him anything.
Author lynnered Posted October 3, 2005 Author Posted October 3, 2005 Newbby? what happend i dont understand ,he hates U & Ur not denying him anything? I dont Understand ? more details please? we need U with us!!!U are strong!!u can do this !!
cherrie498 Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 newbby-my MM hates me too!!! makes it easier I think, because it is all going to flip flop in time, love me now, hate me tomorrow, love me, hate me. So we all have to be ready for the times that he will just not give up (Lynne is experiencing that) & when they HATE us .....these men are NOT stable : ) We have to be in order to move on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Art_Critic Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Props to ya cherrie498 ... Keep going.. the others ..Text msgs are still contacting him... Props to all you guys making the effort..
Author lynnered Posted October 3, 2005 Author Posted October 3, 2005 what cherrie said!! and yes he says he hates U he hates U cause u are not giving him his way! Like mne has said of me "U spoiled me so much"emotially ,phyiscally wherever he is having withdraw ! look at MY MM he makes me mad & laugh like a child 1st he was mean ,then stalkerish,then "just IM if U need me" Newbby U are better then him ,why give in ? Let him go through what U have ,hurt ,being unsure ,missing U owe him nothing !
foolinlove Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 cheri, lynn, newby, and anyone else in NC..... If your MM is blaming YOU for things not going right in their life...they are entirely self absorbed and selfish. Yes, we knew they were married when we got involved with them, many of us didn't not see ourselves falling in love with someone who cheats on their W, however we did. And loving someone is NEVER a bad thing...the hard thing about love is...you can love with all your heart and never get that love in return...the way you love. I think that is what is happeing here to some of us....we feel so much for these men and in turn thought what we felt they also felt because they shared the experience with us, but it turns out...they were selfish. And they are truely showing how selfish they really are by getting mad at you for loving them and wanting ONLY them? I mean c'mon...how could they be mad or hate you for that....as I can't hate him if he chooses to stay and work on his M. It is something he/we feels....I can hate him for all the empty promises and the time I wasted waiting for him....but can never hate him for the love he feels...for me..someone else If they get Mad at us...for doing something better for ourselves...they are SELFISH people. I HATE selfish people. Just some thoughts....
Author lynnered Posted October 3, 2005 Author Posted October 3, 2005 Stop dont come here being negative! I sent 1word in Ur opinion its contact,IMO no i did not engage in conversion,did not back down,so think what U like ,I AM DOING IT! This whole post i started to help everyone ,for us to help each other . everybody is not going to be on the same page,but i think if we talk &help each through most of us will make it! But we shouldnt judge progress ,whats "only making effort to U"maybe more then most have done to get out of situation. I know im doing great ,usually i would have backed down had a conversion with him,let him con me into letting him come over for a talk. We want this to be a positive thread ,someone posted they wouldnt come back if they were "berated"&were not having that here.
Art_Critic Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Stop dont come here being negative! There is NO negativity in my voice.. Just realizism And I do think you all are doing great.. But stop the contact..
Author lynnered Posted October 3, 2005 Author Posted October 3, 2005 so right! MM was not getting why i did not want to be intimate with him ,would get mad at me for doing NC in the past cause i "abandoned him",i dont love him /want if i walk away & walk away i usually tell him U get out on Ur own ill give it another chance with U. Yes that is VERY selfish i can be understanding for U staying yet U cant understand me not being in Ur life WTF
foolinlove Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 For me, getting out on his own is not enough for me anymore....he did that for 10 months....and where is he? at her house...sharing a bed with her! I put myself there and I can tell you....its not enough. I was on top of the world when he moved out...he still spent time there..however he was out. After a few months...the contact he did have with her was bothering me...and we were right back to where we were...me upset..him not understanding why..he moved out? That is why he HAS to file his papers before I say....okay...lets try this again. Because if i just allow him to move out...he could break my heart again at any time... Trust me ladies...he will do it...over and over again...INSIST on a divorce...if he wants you in his life..because like my MM..he will contact you when he moves out....thinking this is what you want...tell him its not enough....you want the divorce or NO YOU! Bottom line! Like someone had wrote...seperated still = married!
Sunset Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 That was me checking I wouldn't be berated and thank you for your support, it means a lot to me. I am still on the NC band wagon and flying the flag!!!!!! Totally not been in touch in anyway, shape or form, am feeling very down but it's probably just the grieving process and the letting go. I feel very lonely right now too, like the romance has gone out of my life. Husband makes the effort and is lovely but somehow I am tuned onto a different wavelength at the moment, its like I am addicted to the OM and this really does feel like coming off drugs. Probably not making much sense but felt the need to spill open how I am feeling here. But NC so at least thats good.
newbby Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 thanks lynnered and everyone else, i am still in, dont worry. i also have no choice, since he also has cut off contact with me. the way he did it all, and has been acting, just makes me more determined to get him out of my life for good. he doesnt hate me for not being there for him, he hates me for voicing some complaint about him treating me badly. i have, as you know been being strong for a long time, i finally after months of him begging and lying and wheedling his way back in again, caved. i did not want the a to continue, he persisted, i dont want to be a mistress, i dont want any of that, but still, i did cave. soon as i had, he turns. i am annoyed with myself, really, really annoyed. in hindsight, i can see that all of the things he was doing and pretending to be, was just to suck me back in, at the time though, i didnt see that. maybe its a harsh critisism of him, i am sure that from where he is, he must feel guilty about things and he must be really confused to behave the way he does, some feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction must be driving him, but i have my own weaknesses too, which he does not expect me to have. i think, yeah, they are selfish and they expect us to be strong, dont want to deal with our feelings, expect us to be there for when and what they want, but speaking for myself, if i didnt have my own set of problems, i would not get suckered by a mm. anyway, so we gotta get ourselves strong, so that we arent vulnerable to these sort of manipulation.
Sunset Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 anyone there, feeling really down and could do with someone to talk to if anyone is online now?
Author lynnered Posted October 3, 2005 Author Posted October 3, 2005 newbby, U are strong! My MM is same way except i am being mean or arguing,if i said"u said U treat me like ana**h*** or"U are living with W that doesnt show U love me"he would say Ur being mean when U can act right! ANd yes there that is there weakness how many times did he tell me i deserve better ETC they know just like Us knowing to leave ,except we have to be the strong ones. we will all be ok this is mourning 1st so many differnt emotions coming & going one minute i think F*** him ,next minute i miss him giving me piggybackrides down the steps when i had my apartment:confused: SO its not easy but it does help that we have this support system. Sunset , sorry im on U are off !! everybody needs PM as well ! for those more privete things i have those moments not from this group . we are all vulnerable as newbby said but strong lets take our lives in our hands only making descions that will benefit us &these men are not . Lets focus on what we dont miss ! I am starting to feel more free since i actully got out of house 2xs this weekend !a record for me lately small victories make me happy!
Sunset Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 hi, window cleaner came, back on now. Just feeling really low, like I feel lost as to how to get my life on track without Om
foolinlove Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 MM just called me at work...after being told NOT TO! He began by apologizing for calling me when I asked him not to...asked me if he could say a few things to me. I said quickly....(boss is a beatch to me) Said that he has thought long and hard about what I had said to him and how i am feeling and he understand WHY i need to do what i'm doing...said..there are a few thing you dont' know about me tho...when I say i'm going to do something...I mean what i say...and I do it.... he realizes that hes said alot...but now he is going to PROVE it to me...and i really dont' know how he feels about me...and when he said it is him and I...he meant just that...and nothing will prevent that..... I said I know how you feel about me..that has never been a question inmind..i said...I told him that is what I am waiting for...to prove it to me! Not say it...prove it. I said you've told me this for 2.5 years...now is your time to prove it..or lose me...bottom line. I told him...when he does just that....call me...he seemed really sad...that I didn't fall into that same old line....but...that was the old me...the new me is stronger...thanks to you all....
Art_Critic Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 MM just called me at work...after being told NOT TO! This shouldn't surprise you .. Not obeying boundaries is what the MM does. He flew right over your boundary and showed you disrespect for you by doing so. He seemed really sad because that was the manipulation that he wanted to get thru to you.... POOR ME !! Keep up the strength and remember love doesn't have to be proven ..
foolinlove Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Just curious....what is your story? You seem very insightful...to love...were you burned in the past? were you a OM? or..you just enjoying passing your wisdome to others? just wondering!
Art_Critic Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Just curious....what is your story? You seem very insightful...to love...were you burned in the past? were you a OM? or..you just enjoying passing your wisdome to others? just wondering! Thanks.. And no I've never been burned or been the OM.. I grew up in a household where my father cheated on my Mom .. Had affairs..Illegitimate children.. A divorce later he remarries and repeats the same with my step mother.. I gave up my father to my step mother when I was 15 and told her all about his mistress.. We all knew ( 6 kids ) .. My brother and I worked with him in an Art Studio and knew all about his escapades.. Over 12 years of listening to my dad bullshiiit my step mom and that is why I talk about it... I lived it from the kids side.. Hated my dad for the pain. One man caused more pain to so many people.. I have never understood it.. My dad passed away about 18 years ago and my step mom passed away 2 years ago so now I try and take what I have learned and help some people along the way.
foolinlove Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 OMG...that is so sad! You know that is one of the things my MM says to me at times..about his adopted daughter...I have a little girl to think about...and says I don't think about her...I guess I really don't. I think she would fit into our life...but..I really don't think of the pain it will cause her when/if he leaves again. She is the reason he hasn't left yet...so he says... I also think that it isn't good to see her parents fighting and hurting...in front of her... I'm sorry for your hurt caused by your father...and appreciate your insight into our situations.
Art_Critic Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Thanks Foolinlove.. The children are a side to a lot of the OW MM situation that really never gets talked about.. I learned so much about lying and cheating from watching my father that I almost know what they are thinking.. It is true that the behaviors of the MM follow a pattern and very rarely are 2 not alike. It took many years of therapy for me to realize that my dad was no different than any other MM in his thinking or behaviors.. It's all about coverup and deceit and denial. Okay thread hijack over... Back to the regular scheduled programimg
cherrie498 Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 MM use their children as their defense b/c what are we as the OW suppose to say in response?? MM says....I cant leave my C, I need to be there for them, I cant allow them to grow up w/out a father.....we have heard them all What can we say to that??? NOTHING w/out sounding cold hearted! BUT if they where so hell bent on being there for there children they would have been at home SPENDING TIME WITH THEIR CHILDREN, NOT OUT PERSUSING AFFAIRS!!!!!!!!!!!!! MM are not happy with themselves, therefore reach out to whoever they can to fulfill themselves. THAT SIPMLE!!! Do they love us, sure. Do they need us, yelp. Will they ever leave for us, prob NOT....WHY would they??? Art: Dont you agree? I am sorry that as a child you had to suffer b/c of your fathers actions. Do you agree that it wouldnt have been as tramatic if he would have left if he was unhappy rather than having an affair. Just silly to me that men betray their families, W & C & then turn around & act like they are all of the sudden "Father of the year":mad:
Art_Critic Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Do you agree that it wouldnt have been as tramatic if he would have left if he was unhappy rather than having an affair. Just silly to me that men betray their families, W & C & then turn around & act like they are all of the sudden "Father of the year":mad: I totally agree .. It was having the affair and the pain of betrayal that caused me the hurt. If he had just left the only thing I would've had to deal with was been a product of a divorced familly.. I felt the same pain my mom did as well as my step mom did.. That is why I " turned him in ".. That way the pain had to stop.. Unfortunatly he never did stop the affair and by the time he passed away was believing his own lies.. The OW used to visit him in the hospital and the nurses used to tell my step mom and then in turn she would talk to my dad about it and he would deny that she was even there..It is awhole cycle.. All us kids in my family believe that it is a sickness just like a disease.. After a while they start to believe their own untruths.. Their whole lives are based on deceit and lies.
legrtova Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 and he JUST called me...from pay phone! So pathetic! Today has been the best day for me since we broke it off...right now I can laugh at him, but what's coming tomorrow? It's so hard...I know he will call me at work tomorrow, he will want to see me...and saying NO is so hard....Ladies, we can all do this, right?! I need some support here.... Thanks!
legrtova Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 and the phone keeps on ringing and ringing...I'm so tempted to pick up, but I know if I do I will regret it, because I want to show him he has no control over me anymore.... Sorry, had to share....
Recommended Posts