shimmer Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 I met him for a coffee but it was same old story, octupus hands, telling me how gorgeous I am and quite frankly I lost my respect for him. I just wanted to talk, not heavy, just about general things, he wanted sex, I didn't because the emotional aspect was not there for me, I wanted a friend and I got octupused in his car. The cafe was too dangerous so like a fool I went in his car. I don't want to go into detail but I know now he has no respect for me 'I just want to show you how much I love you' was even said at one point. He told me he had lost my number and to email it to him, is that an excuse just to try and keep me in contact? I will register soon, registration not available at the moment by the way. Help needed please from fellow NCers - its Oct 1st tomorrow and I need help! Really want to break free of the cycle but feel frightened about never seeing him again - anyone understand?
Sunset Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 SHIMMER BECOME'S SUNSET, STRUGGLED TO REGISTER SHIMMER BUT SUNSET HOPEFULLY MORE FITTING ANYWAY!!!! SORRY FOR ANY CONFUSION:rolleyes:
Art_Critic Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 SHIMMER BECOME'S SUNSET, STRUGGLED TO REGISTER SHIMMER BUT SUNSET HOPEFULLY MORE FITTING ANYWAY!!!! SORRY FOR ANY CONFUSION:rolleyes: Sunset.. It seems to me that you shouldn't have any trouble staying away from him.. go back and re-read your last post as Shimmer.. You are very self aware as to what he is doing and his false motives.. You need to put your foot down with him and end it and if he continues you need to get a restraining order. From what I have read in your posts there even isn't a real realtionship at all between you 2 and you despise him.. Why continue ?
Author lynnered Posted September 30, 2005 Author Posted September 30, 2005 same with me on monday ,all hands ,then he got mean when i wouldnt give in. like U said U lost Ur respect from him keep it gone! i keep replaying all the things that he said that hurt me recently & in the past when i start feeling weak. i was thinking of writing a list of why i dont want /need him. he came over wednesday forgot his CDS,like nothing was differnt ,i restated things . whenever i start feeling better here he comes IMIng me , he knows just how to suck me back in, wonderful words he would say - tell me just what I wanted to hear-but his actions really look at Ur MMs actions ,i can say ,hes going to ,he said this ,its going to be.....words ,have I gotton any action NO NOTHING! why do U want to be with a man who makes you feel miserable? Respect yourself It takes time to get over yes. Crying is healthy,so is venting,keeping busy ,exercise people come into our lives to teach us then ,they leave when the lessons are over Listen all you can to the advice of us who have been there&even those who still are.....take only what you need& leave the rest alone. U can stay in a relationship thats all about him when he can spend time with U,hes most likely sleeping with W,& he probly wont leave. OR U can say goodbye to misery &confusion &begin creating a life that is beatiful,not built on lies,all about U. Only you can make it happen!
Sunset Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Thank you, art I think I go back because I pine for the few weeks when it was wonderful, miss that feeling, miss someone telling me wonderful things, shallow yes and honest too. Is everyone going to start NC at midnight tonight - and how is everyone going to do that - are people dissapearing like me or have you other plans?
newbby Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Hey sunset, well, i have begun nc in the worst way ever, by arguing and losing my remaining shreds of self respect, but hey what difference does it make. so, we are all in, and what we need is a plan to get through nc, rather than plans on how to begin it. recommended reading anyone? plenty of exercise i think, meditation, early nights lots of sleep. i will pm anyone who asks my fave book for self help. good energies to everyone too.
Sunset Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Oh Newby, what happened to cause the arguments? Its awful when that happens but still it must have needed saying. Anways when he wants to make up you won't be around....
Author lynnered Posted September 30, 2005 Author Posted September 30, 2005 A book Ive had for awhile& havent read is: iyanla vanzant one day my sould just opened up 40 days& night towards spiritual stength&personal growth. it has something for everyday now if i give author credit i can use quotes right?
Author lynnered Posted October 1, 2005 Author Posted October 1, 2005 A new routine for U! Forget the what ifs Remember you dont owe him anything Get your number s&email,IMs etc changed exercise take care of how U look pamper U Keep Busy Crying is good but laughter is better:D and so on. in the book she didnt have "new beginnings "but i have some words on that,why doesnt everyone get a composition book?i have some ideas from this book ?but they are exercises that U have to write out. Many times since being involved with MM ive been at that point where here i was ,a fresh start gone was half of the bad feelings & misery from our relationship ,then here he comes back into my life . Im not letting him screw this up for me ,&im not going to let me let him either:) computer having trouble will write more later anybody else have any words for our new begining?
Author lynnered Posted October 1, 2005 Author Posted October 1, 2005 Getting rid of of bad habits. Make new good habits. Make doctors appointments if U havent gone in awhile. If U dont like Ur job ,start looking for another or figure out ways to be happy,or if Ur interested in another feild do what U need to to acheive what U want. Get rid of all the negative energy. I have another chance to get my life right. Im not going to blow it this time. :love:
scaredinlove Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 It is funny to read that you all want to leave your MM, because I feel the same.I told him today that I can't go like this anymore.My problem is that I know I wont be able to carry it out(breaking up) but on the other hand I am very unhappy with the situation.I was even thinking not to call him tommorrow(he will be waiting for my call). I tried that many times..
foolinlove Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 Well....the time has come to say goodbye...to the past and enter into a NEW way of thinking... Day with MM went very well.....we both took the day off of work ....spent time at his cabin ....I did not want to make his B-day bad...even tho "its just another day to him". I was quite surprised with how I handled myself. I had a pleasent visit with him, we hung out for a while, then took a drive, had lunch, coffee, went to the park. Very nice indian summer day. When I dropped him off at his vehicle...he asked if I was going to give him the letter I had wrote for him. (Told him yesterday of letter...and it was the best way for me to express my feelings). I told him no....I'm going to send it out in the mail..I didnt' want him to read it today... He asked me "do you want me to let you go?", thought he was referring to the current moment....I said no....what I want for you is to be happy...be it with me, her, someone else or by yourself. Told him I loved him..gave him a Kiss....shed some tears...he made promises it would be okay. Did not show any interest in his promises. As he drove away..I sat there... listening to the breeze in the trees, the birds, the smell of fall...and didn't cry?? Haven't cried? I am sad..but no tears at this point...I don't think it has sunk in yet...that I have just said my goodbye to him. If you love something...let it go...if it comes back to you..then it is yours... but I won't hold my breath! Ladies...I have no idea what kind of rollar coaster of emotions I am going to go through....but thank you for being on the ride with me...I am going to have a glass of wine...and toast.....to ME!!
Author lynnered Posted October 1, 2005 Author Posted October 1, 2005 quote""your relationship involves continual frustration seems to have potential but that potential is always just out of reach destroys self-esteem & prevents those involved from moving on in their careers or personal lives. often breeding grounds for loneliness, rage, &despair. two partners are often on such different wave-lengths that there is little common ground, little significant communication, &little enjoyment of each other. Remainingnot only causes continual stress but may even be physically harmful,In a less obvious way, however, the tensions and chemical changes caused by the constant stress can drain energy and lower resistance to physical illness. In such relationships, individuals are robbed of several essential freedoms; the freedom to be their best selves in the relationship, the freedom to love the other person through choice rather than through dependency, and the freedom to leave a situation that is destructive. Despite the pain of these relationships, many rational and practical people find that they are unable to leave, even though they know the relationship is bad for them. One part of them wants out but a seemingly stronger part refuses or feels helpless to take any action. It is in this sense that the relationships are "addictive." """quote Sound familur? defination of a addictive relationship Wow sounds like me &a lot of Us on this board Are U addicted? i have a questionaire 1.Even though you know the relationship is bad for you (and perhaps others have told you this), you take no effective steps to end it. 2.You give yourself reasons for staying in the relationship that are not really accurate or that are not strong enough to counteract the harmful aspects of the relationship. 3.When you think about ending the relationship, you feel terrible anxiety and fear which make you cling to it even more. 4.When you take steps to end the relationship, you suffer painful withdrawal symptoms, including physical discomfort, that is only relieved by reestablishing contact. If most of these signs apply to you, you are probably in an addictive relationship and have lost the capacity to direct your own life. To move toward recovery, your first steps must be to recognize that you are "hooked" and then try to understand the basis of your addiction. In this way, you gain the perspective to determine whether, in reality, the relationship can be improved or whether you need to leave it. i found this on "self help brochures"addictive relationships :love: :love:
Author lynnered Posted October 1, 2005 Author Posted October 1, 2005 sounds very ,mature they way U handled it,U were strong:D . and U have a good memory of Ur goodbye :love: :love:
Author lynnered Posted October 1, 2005 Author Posted October 1, 2005 Robin Norwood, in her excellent book "Women Who Love Too Much" outlines a ten step plan for overcoming relationship addiction, Stated here (reordered and sometimes paraphrased), Norwood suggests the following: 1.Make your "recovery" the first priority in your life. 2.Become "selfish," i.e., focus on getting your own needs met more effectively. 3.Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings. 4.Cultivate whatever needs to be developed in yourself, i.e., fill in gaps that have made you feel undeserving or bad about yourself. . 5.Learn to stop managing and controlling others; by being more focused on your own needs, you will no longer need to seek security by trying to make others change. 6.Develop your "spiritual" side, i.e., find out what brings you peace and serenity and commit some time, at least half an hour daily, to that endeavor. 7.Learn not to get "hooked" into the games of relationships; avoid dangerous roles you tend to fall into, e.g., "rescuer" (helper), "persecutor" (blamer), "victim" (helpless one). 9.Find a support group of friends who understand. Share with others what you have experienced and learned. 10.Consider getting professional help.
Author lynnered Posted October 1, 2005 Author Posted October 1, 2005 ok ladies so we have some" tools"& i have some stuff i am going to post to help Us all find ourselves,this motivates me to research & read so this is helpful to me, &what i find i of course will share . not everything applies to every situation 100% but we have enough in common ,to sort through . and im sure everybody will find helpful information from each other ! so we have # 9.Find a support group of friends who understand, I messed up on the numbering when i copy& pasted ,why cant i edit?
cherrie498 Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 We are all in NC now....RIGHT!!!! We all better be & as a group effort!!!! I know I have my weak moments but also my strong, so we are now holding each other accountable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( talking to you Lynne )
Sunset Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 Some great quotes, nice to read others are going through the rollercoaster. Some seem to have ended it better than me, mine went away with a big smile on his face thinking he is meeting me next week. Determined to be strong and not meet him, last meeting made me realise he is just in it for what he can get and becomes very persistant when he doesn't. My problem is sorting out my addiction to this relationship and curing myself into not wanting him/it anymore. i suppose I will only know when I don't think off him for a while and start to think of him as a non entity, while I still have feelings of missing him/hating him I know i am still not out of the mire.
Author lynnered Posted October 1, 2005 Author Posted October 1, 2005 right now i still think of him ALOT!!! Its a choice ,to see him get that hour or of feeling happy then he leaves & Im back where i was before ,usually feeling worst then beating myself up for going backwards. Keep letting him make this choice for U,or even"paying for his mistakes"cause thats how i felt he made that choice to be married stay married,whatever but thats not the choice i made Yet i was miserable because of the actions /choices he made . He is selfish & weak . selfish to keep U hanging around ,too weak to leave her ,too weak to be a man to U if he cant do that F*** him . how long have U been waiting Sunset?i waited 4 years 3 months & now itll probly take a year to heal . I didnt plan on this ,im here now ,wondering how could i have been so stupied ,wasted so much of my life ,i can stay with him keep wondering waiting ,killing my true self which i havent seen in a long time,or i can mourn ,go throgh some pain yes,but if i stay with him im in pain! I promise from my experience it get better & as soon as it gets better here he comes more promises ,lies ,love Us,ETC thats the moment i need U guys for:( to end the cycle i can do NC & feel better ,but when he contacts me i am always weak,& i know im better off without him ,i really need U guys lets help each other find ourselves ,& enough self esteem not to deal with this crap
scaredinlove Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 lynnred don't get weak now ,it is tough but you can do it.As for me I am still very addicted for mine, I been with him for three years. He called me today and the sound of his voice melts me.I found your post about reletonship addiction very interesting.I do have boddy aches when I try to avoid him or stay alway too long.It is like withdraw sindrome. Like you said the first step is to reconize the addiction.I took that step now lets see what happened.I told him I won't be in this situation for much long. But I am not ready for nc just yet. As for yourself hang in there, it will be togh but it will pass, sometime in the future you will look back and know you made the best choise for your self.
Author lynnered Posted October 2, 2005 Author Posted October 2, 2005 Today a friend "kidnapped " me ,went shopping ,dinner ,a few drinks . It was fun ,she feels i need to get out of the house i go out about 1x a week lately have been like a hermit . I thought about him here & there im not going to lie. But it was nice to laugh a little ,havent done much of that lately:( She doesnt know he was M but she knows of him & me being in therapy . its going to be ok just need to get my $hit together .
foolinlove Posted October 2, 2005 Posted October 2, 2005 Today starts the first day of the new Me. MM called me this morning....asked what was bothering me...told him some of what was in my letter...asked me to meet him..I said no. Told him to not call/stop by my home or work, told him when he has set himself up to be with me and only me, then call. He was very understanding of my position....makes it that much worse when he is nice to me, would be much easier if he was an a$$. Told me he is sorry for not doing things quicker and better for me, told me he'll take care of ****. I told him I can't rely on words..i need actions. We said I love you and hung up. Have been too busy to cry today...have a remodleing project planned for my bathroom. Why haven't I cried? My body feels so exhausted....like i just ran 10 miles...no energy! My heart is aching...constantly right now..could i be having a heart attack, panic attack? This is so hard... Lynnered...great material found on addictive relationships...I've often asked myself why I couldn't walk away...now I know..I was addicted. I've been trying something someone posted on here... when you think of him...give yourself only a certain amount of time to reflect on him, then think about something else. If you train you mind to not dwell on him, then you will find in time..you are stronger... I am with most of you in the fact that I become weak in his presense..I long for his touch, a kiss, a I love you. I told him I would call him when I am ready...no idea how long that will be? Starting to wonder can i do this...talkign to my heart and telling it I HAVE to....for your own well being..I HAVE TO. We are almost through Day 1 ladies...your feelings?
RecordProducer Posted October 2, 2005 Posted October 2, 2005 OCTOBER IS GET RID OF mm MONTH FOR GOOD And every other month and day of the year!
true26 Posted October 2, 2005 Posted October 2, 2005 I have also done my best to keep busy today. I find the weekends are particularly hard for me as I don't have work and such to occupy my mind. You know, I really do miss him, but I don't miss feeling like an *ss.
Author lynnered Posted October 2, 2005 Author Posted October 2, 2005 now he is IMing me ladies!!!he cant see me what to do ! should i restate AGAIN?just ignore which is my main thought? (9:08:28 PM): Good evening princess 9:08:28 PM): Driving to work now baby (9:08:28 PM): I had alot of fun fighting with you it was sexy (9:10:13 PM): Wrestling i mean (9:13:00 PM): Gotta drive baby love ya talk later if i not busy what part of what i said monday & wednesday did he not understand ? I am addictted i know he does nothing for me ,especially lately i dont even have a TN for him,so theres no communication ,i dont feel sexually interested in him anymore,its just past memories of good feelings & what could be . Sorry just answering my own question so i dont type him back Just want to feel free ,be the me i was when A started was at a good place in life why did i choose this road? i had nice boyfriend ,STUPIED STUPIED ME!! Sorry again guys i had a few drinks talkative feeling
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