Sunset Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Hi how are you all feeling today? Things on the up or mixed? I have had a good day today so thought I would post positively compared to my woe is me Not heard from OM but you know what, starting to not feel bothered, no excitement but at least no stress!!!! Anyway would love to hear how you are all doing, its really nice to read other's posts good or bad x x
newbby Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 hey new user, welcome to nc. keep posting. people here will give you support. sunset, glad to hear it! i am over mm, still in alot of regret about the a though, but trying to deal with that. dont know what i was thinking! sg isnt going too well. i think i am maybe playing it a bit too cool?????
legrtova Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Hey guys! NC is magical ... hehe. But..there is MORE drama in life....argh I hate drama and yet I put my self out there and accept it when it happens. Anyways, different outcome on my issue (when is this gonna be over? ), if interested I posted a new thread about it. The W is on LS and has read if not all then many posts posted by me. Sad but true. Keep up the good work!!!!
Art_Critic Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 The W is on LS and has read if not all then many posts posted by me. Sad but true. You might want to get a new name then.. Your posts can wind up in court someday if she by chance needed proof of the affair.. Weirder things have happened..
legrtova Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Thanks for your advice, I"m working on it. I'm guessing she has already printed out everything....plus she has the letters and emails she had found when she found out, so it might be too late for that one.
Art_Critic Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Thanks for your advice, I"m working on it. I'm guessing she has already printed out everything....plus she has the letters and emails she had found when she found out, so it might be too late for that one. also.. when you change accounts remove your email address from the old account and have the mods cancel the old account.. They can supeana LS for that info and if they do then there won't be anything that would pull you into all of his drama.
legrtova Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Thanks Art! We have no-fault law in Colorado, but I am doing it...just in case.
Art_Critic Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Thanks Art! We have no-fault law in Colorado, but I am doing it...just in case. No prob.. No fault doesn't mean uncontested though.. She could make his life he!! and yours too.. What is that saying about a woman scorned..
legrtova Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 One more Q; when my account is canceled, are all posts deleted, too? But like I said, if she wanted to make it he*l, she already has more then enough to do so.
newbby Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 One more Q; when my account is canceled, are all posts deleted, too? But like I said, if she wanted to make it he*l, she already has more then enough to do so. eek contact the mods and ask them to remove your posts
Art_Critic Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 One more Q; when my account is canceled, are all posts deleted, too? But like I said, if she wanted to make it he*l, she already has more then enough to do so. No.. they don't remove your posts..
joodee Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Hi all, Today is Day 3 of NC for me, I'm feeling pretty good, except that he just texted me the question if I want him to keep texting and e-mailing me. Now this is where I, in the past, caved in and responded, and then there would be dialogue and we'd ultimately wind up seeing each other. I have not responded, this is the first time I am not responding to that question, cause he's not going to apologize for anything, and if I ask for one, I'd bet you all a million each he'd text back "What did I do wrong now?" Last time we communicated he wasn't so nice, he wouldn't answer my serious questions about us, and rudely hung up. So do I respond, not respond, let me know. Thanks.
allaboutchoices Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 If you don't respond, he will get the message about no emailing and such
newbby Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 agree, thats the best way of answering that question.
Sami_D Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Hello joodee Well I just started NC today. We made an agreement to no contact in any way whatever. I think that is the only way, yes? Otherwise, how can it be NO contact?
Sami_D Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 I don't agree that no response equals understanding. I think that it's best to get everything sorted and understood and then begin NC. Otherwise some contact could occur when it's really not wanted. I think that you should contact him in the clearest means possible (email?) laying out what your decision is, and then you should hear nothing from him unless his mind is sorted out.
Sunset Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Legrtova I used to go by another name but changed it because it was obvious to the OM, not that he knows about the site but you never know!!! Anyway it took around 24 hours, my old posts are still there but my account is deleted. Unfortunately I had to then set up a new email address just to activate the account because it thinks I am still using my old one for old account even though I am not
NewUser Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Hello all, I'm still in NC -- this is my fourth day since our angry blow-up. I wanted to give you guys a little insight into what can happen if you go back continually. My MM started by courting me at a fever-pitch. He claimed I was his soul mate and that I was the only woman who truly understood him. I had difficulties from the beginning and I'd waiver... out one minute and back the next. Well, I lost so much credibility that at some point, he stopped treating me with any kind of respect. The more I questioned our relationship and insisted on more, but remained with him despite his lack of meeting my needs, the more he began to belittle me for asking for more in the first place. He began reminding me that we were nothing more than physical and that I was selfish for asking for more. Why would I change the rules, etc., etc. It got so ugly. He couldn't stand to have his words thrown back at him, and he certainly couldn't stand to be held accountable for the things he'd said. So, I started playing along with him... not getting upset at the same old tired routine, etc. I made it like he was nothing more than a physical thing to me and that I could take it or leave it anyway. Well, that made him act out even more. We reduced our relationship to the point where neither of us respected the other at all. He continually said things and acted in ways that at one time made me upset. The less I got upset by what he was doing and saying, the more he pushed the envelope. So, two weeks ago, we were going through the motions of being "friends with fringe benefits" and he made a comment that he knew I'd find offensive. So, I asked him not to contact me anymore. That was on a Friday. On Monday I received an e-mail from him, forwarding a song to me (we both love music) and stating it was "for my collection" and that he "wouldn't contact me anymore." A few days go by and I forwarded him an article I'd found about narcissists. That set us on a course of nastiness and ended with me blocking him from sending me e-mails and threatening him that if he didn't stay out of my life, I'd blow his whole cover. So much ugliness... Now, I'm glad he's out of my life. So glad. I look better. I feel better. My outlook is positive. Mind you, I'd been letting go slowly for a while anyway, but the final steps are still very hard. He had such a hold on my life for so long, I almost don't recognize myself and my first order of business is to figure out who I am all over again. You ladies hang in there. Ridding ourselves of that kind of negative energy is the best thing we can do for ourselves and until we break the cycle, at least for me, nothing else will matter.
joodee Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Hi all, thanks for the support that I really need right now. Thanks Newwby and allaboutchoices, that's what I am doing right now, not responding at all. I've also been placed, ordered (what have you) on "complete vocal rest," I might have nodes on my vocal chords.... Anyway Sami_D, I have been debating on whether I should write an e-mail or text saying I don't want to be contacted anymore. I have done that before, I have told him to go to h#$% and not to call me again because I didn't want to be with a liar and womanizer, and I called him that, too. He still texted me cute stuff and kept "dropping by" at work with coffee and stuff till I caved in and gave him the time of day. And then it would be like Newuser, getting into a cycle of increasing disrespect. I don't want that cycle anymore, any encouragement (positive or negative) from me just, I think, gives him the OK sign to continue to brush things under the carpet, and it gives him the sign that he can treat me anyway he wants, cause I will eventually wag my tail like a puppy to him. So, maybe it's best to not send him anything at all or put "closure" on the deal, I've made clear my position over and over. I think the only thing he will understand is complete silence from me at this point.
scaredinlove Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 hi i tryed to join the not call and it last for one hour.I am proud of you all.I am trying to gather strengh to join you brave ones.I told him we should not contact each other because I was sick of this situation.(three years now) and I knew there's no hope for any changes.I said we should slowly stop the calls, and I thought we should started yesterday and he could only call me next thursday.I thought that would be better if we went week by week, than go cold turkey.He agreed and said he loved me, and he was doing that only for my sake and all the nice BS he gives all the time.An hour later he called and I started laughting because I was surprised.He said since he still had yesterday he would call me as many times as he could and bla bla bla.Bottom line I lost my strengh.Today he couldn't call me but I left a message on his cell. Well ,I am hopeless, but I am proud of you that are stronger then me.
megabit15 Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Hello megabit. You say you were the Married Cheater once..? What kinds of things do you think were missing in you? What kind of help did you get? How did it help? Sami, I've given this more thought and wanted to update... The answer to what was missing was the inability to see anything beyond my own gratification. I did not foresee the hurt to my husband, son or myself - didn't even think about it. I was selfish, immature and self seeking in this manner. Looking back, if I had considered them, I would have left before acting out. That was part of me realizing the pattern in later relationships. I slowly made progress by breaking up with a guy before being with someone else. After doing rapid 'serial monogamy' in several relationships I found the book I mentioned which helped a lot. How are you doing in NC these days? Has anyone heard from Lynnered? I am concerned since she was being semi-stalked....
Sami_D Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Thanks for that lengthy response you gave when I asked about being the married cheater. It really helped. Actually I saw some aspects of myself in there, to be honest. I would always almost begin a new relationship before I'd ended an old one, letting the 'dead' one drag on way beyond any point where I was happy. I almost always did it that way earlier in life. Before MM I was single for a good length of time (over 2 years) and had some therapy to help me get over a few traumas that I'd had and get my head sorted out... not a good start to begin my 'fresh life' with an A. But that's over now.
megabit15 Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Thanks for that lengthy response you gave when I asked about being the married cheater. It really helped. Actually I saw some aspects of myself in there, to be honest. I would always almost begin a new relationship before I'd ended an old one, letting the 'dead' one drag on way beyond any point where I was happy. I almost always did it that way earlier in life. Before MM I was single for a good length of time (over 2 years) and had some therapy to help me get over a few traumas that I'd had and get my head sorted out... not a good start to begin my 'fresh life' with an A. But that's over now. I know what you mean. I'm glad you are making progress. It is a tough thing to do, but worth it. The only other choice is to make the same mistakes and continue in the same misery. What happened with your MM situation? How did it start, and how did you progress to the stage where you realized you wanted to end it?
Sami_D Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 What happened with your MM situation? How did it start, and how did you progress to the stage where you realized you wanted to end it? At risk of getting flak on this board (I thought it was meant to be a place for people stuck in a mess, looking for answers, rather than a whipping post?): It started 18 months ago in a chat room, and progressed to phonecalls. MM was just over a serious operation that had made him re-assess his life. In a M which was 'over', and looking to move out and have a life of his own. But he had Cs. I know NOW what I should have done. But without the benefit of hindsight... we became friends. I thought he should work on his M, but he was adamant it was over. It was just a question of the Cs. Really, all the signs of what was to come were already there (I see now) but evidently I was too naive to notice them. We arranged to meet after 3 months, but when it came to a couple of days before the meeting, we had (another) big, emotional debate about whether it was a good idea. I said that his Cs needed to see a couple who loved and respected eacho other, rather than the constant rowing and sniping that was going on in their house at that time. He read that as: make it work with his W. He split up with me (yes, we'd never met) with the intention of making his M work. I was devastated, after spending so long trying to get him to that point earlier, and now, when we'd almost agreed to meet, he changed his mind. We both know he did the right thing. We didn't go NC. I hadn't heard of NC. But we called occasionally just to keep up with each other. In retrospect probably a bad idea, but I don't know if the outcome would have been different if we'd done it another way. I wish I'd known about this forum back then, because I could have made much better decisions the whole way through. About 3 months after this break-up he was certain there was no way his M was going to be anything other than 'tolerable' and 'for the sake of the C' (please no-one take this the wrong way. His Cs are by far the most important thing to consider in this - they always have been, right from the beginning of our R. I'm sorry if some of you don't believe that). After another while of talking on the phone, we decided to meet for real. That was six months ago. Again, I should have insisted that the M was really over before we did this, but... again, I had a lack of knowledge about what would be best. Of course we'd never actually met in person, a year into knowing each other, so how could he 'leave her for me?' (my reasoning back then - I know, it's flawed). But to be honest, this was never a physical affair, it was all Emotion, support, common interests in life. We met. We met in total about seven or eight times, for a week at a time. As I explained in 'our' thread, he works away from home, willingly, because his time at home is bad. He was tired of the tension and arguments. There was no 'sneaking around'. As far as his W and Cs were concerned, all was normal. He makes one short phonecall a day to talk to his C, and sees them weekends. To My Mind there would be little or no change to the amount he saw them should he divorce. To his mind, divorce = leaving the Cs, and he can't do that. But I was not, am not, and never have been prepared to be the OW. The time we spent together was, for me, necessary to know whether we could be together in real life as a couple, and not simply friends on the telephone. Once we both knew that, he said that he would leave his M. That is where my other thread begins. That is where we were advised by the forum to go NC. And that's what I've done. I don't know whether it's 'the answer', because I'm not sure what is being achieved. I've never wanted to force him to make a choice between me and his C, and I don't believe that that is what is at issue. One of the things I love about him is his pride in his son's achievements, and his devotion to his little girl. I don't understand why that has to change if he divorces his W. But I won't go over that again. All I can say at this point is it hurts like hell, and I feel very sorry for what he must be going through right now too.
megabit15 Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Thanks Sami. I completely relate to this. Mine started as EA too. He also said he was separated, just not moved out yet. This was a total lie-which I naively believed, much the same as you. It's amazing how gullible and naive we can be when really connecting with someone. Looking back, I think that I believed what I wanted to believe. Seeing how I lied to myself was a big lesson for me. Art can tell you lots about NC. Wish he'd post here. Here is a link to a thread title "The lost guide to the no contact policy". It can explain it better than I ever could. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t32860 An added benefit to this thread is seeing a cute little dancing banana.
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