Maggiemay1 Posted August 30, 2019 Posted August 30, 2019 In my opinion, if someone has a genuine interest in you, there is no reason to have to keep looking around. Your extra time you have can be spent trying to build something with them. And if someone wants to continue looking for other better options after a few dates with me, then I do not want that person. Even the psychologist I started dating confirmed there is nothing wrong with feeling that way, and that if someone is worth my time, since I make it clear in the beginning what I want, they should respect that and either walk away or not go sleeping all around town behind my back while dating me. I don't get how someone doesn't see that as disgusting. I go and meet up with someone I have been dating for a few weeks, go and kiss them, and I am also kissing someone else's semen from a guy they just blew? Absolutely, 100% repulsive. I do NOT want someone who is fooling around with other people while dating me. And even if they aren't fooling around with them, I still don't care to have emotional promiscuity. No one can possibly have a genuine interest after a few dates. It takes months to get to know someone superficially and a lot longer to know them beyond that. Realistically no one should agree to exclusively date until maybe 3 months in. Geez it’s only 12 weeks and hardly a life changing investment! It’s a risk you are either willing to take or not!!! But what you are expecting is that someone takes that risk on you with low odds. And no logic! And you call someone that doesn’t take that risk as being “emotionally promiscuous”? They are in fact the opposite! You claim to be picky but you aren’t at all! Your best 2 relationships were based on immediate attraction and attempted to build on a shoddy foundation. It’s hardly surprising they crumbled. And you now think when you kiss a girl 3 weeks in that you might be tasting another guys semen??? That confirms to me how non picky you are!!! Why would yiu date someone that you assume just gave a bj to another??? My best guess is that you simply don’t trust others. You likely smother someone you do date . You need to change your mindset because it clearly is not working for you. There are no flame twins. You already decided you had two in the past afterall.
boymommy Posted August 30, 2019 Posted August 30, 2019 I am a lot like you. Counseling has helped as well as reading books on codependency and love addiction (which are the core symptoms you are describing). It generally scares people when you go into a relationship with that feeling of “I hope you are the answer to my prayers” type attitude and so you have to rechannel all that focus and energy you put into a potential love interest back into yourself. I have found that my relationship with my boyfriend is the best when I focus on my myself and not hyperfocus and fixate on what he is doing. When I loosen my death grip on him thats when we are the happiest! So my suggestion is do some work in yourself. Look into self help books and practice proper self care. If you are taking good care of yourself and loving yourself then just by natural order of things you are taking away some of that hyper attachment you put on a partner. Don’t worry that you wont have enough love for your partner...because trust me you have TOO much. By focusing more on you, then you will just be like a normal person in a relationship who focuses on themself and doesnt overfocus or overattach to their partner.
Author Physx Posted August 31, 2019 Author Posted August 31, 2019 I am a lot like you. Counseling has helped as well as reading books on codependency and love addiction (which are the core symptoms you are describing). It generally scares people when you go into a relationship with that feeling of “I hope you are the answer to my prayers” type attitude and so you have to rechannel all that focus and energy you put into a potential love interest back into yourself. I have found that my relationship with my boyfriend is the best when I focus on my myself and not hyperfocus and fixate on what he is doing. When I loosen my death grip on him thats when we are the happiest! So my suggestion is do some work in yourself. Look into self help books and practice proper self care. If you are taking good care of yourself and loving yourself then just by natural order of things you are taking away some of that hyper attachment you put on a partner. Don’t worry that you wont have enough love for your partner...because trust me you have TOO much. By focusing more on you, then you will just be like a normal person in a relationship who focuses on themself and doesnt overfocus or overattach to their partner. Thank you, and you and many others here are right. I know very well I'm not being realistic when I get so excited right from the start. As far as me being picky, I think a lot of people are misunderstanding in what regards, so let me elucidate: 1) I need someone who is into dark tastes (my home is gothic/victorian, I dress classy-goth half the time I'm not working, have purple hair at times, and prefer someone with similar tastes), but they also need to have a good heart. I find most people with dark tastes also have severe psychological issues. When they do, I run. Depression and panic attacks I can handle - BPD or bi-polar are too much for me. 2) I am sapiosexual and demisexual, so I need someone with a high IQ and someone who I can build an emotional connection with to really, truly enjoy sex with them. I know, not a typical guy, that's a part of my problem - I need someone who is FAR from a typical woman. 3) I need someone with similar spiritual beliefs, which means not hardcore religious and open-minded about their belief system. Not credulous, but also not atheist. Essentially, someone who is open to numerous possibilities, but accepts the fact that we do now know with 100% certainty what there is in the thereafter (if there is one). The frustrating thing is that the type of person I really like is so rare that I only tend to come across them once every couple of months usually. So, with how hard it is to find, naturally when I do find someone that I think could fit the bill, I get really excited. It isn't codependence - it is being in my 40s, single, having a VERY hard time finding what I want, and getting excited over the notion that I may have finally found it. But, you are all right - it takes a LONG time to get to truly know most people. I am extremely open and straight-forward right off the bat to save us from wasting time, but most others are not. I realize that, but just hope one day, I will come across someone else who is as genuine from the start. ------------------------------------- And to give an example of what I like in a woman... The last person I was with, once we started dating, she hid her dating profile. She told me that when she starts seeing someone, she takes it down, as she wants to just put her spare time into getting to know that person. I really liked that, as neither of us had a whole lot of spare time due to having kids, so what little time we did have, we spent together. I don't have a whole lot of time, so what, I'm going to date 2-3 people and see each one of them once a week? Doesn't make sense. I'd MUCH rather take the time to get to know the one that I am most interested in of the 3 and spend 2-3 days a week with them, rather than spreading myself that thin both emotionally and time-wise. And as far as the woman who hid her dating profile, she wasn't crazy or anything. She was simply someone who was committed to one person at a time - something I value highly. What caused us to fall apart was that over the next few months, I came to realize she was a very selfish person. On top of that, she would do things behind my back and then hide them from me - things that had an impact on our family (we were raising our children together by that time). She had no consideration for my feelings on matters, was VERY financially irresponsible (had been foreclosed on in the past and was trying to lead her and I on a similar path), and never made any effort to work on things in the relationship. Her go to was always to just give up. I eventually got tired of always being the one to have to fight for us and make the sacrifices, so I broke up with her. I made it clear to her why, and not once did she make even an ounce of effort to fight for us, furthering my case that it wasn't worth it. In hindsight, it sucks, as she had the majority of the qualities I want in someone. But, she was way too self-centered and just didn't consider my feelings, nor the children. She did what she wanted to do and everyone else had to deal with it, even when it was her spending money she didn't have and forcing me to pay her bills as a result (not forcing per say, but guilting me into doing so). It's a long story, but in my experience, everyone has some types of issues. I don't see someone who likes to just get to know one person at a time as being messed up just because they don't want to date all around town. Regardless, I have gotten plenty of other advice in here to work on what I have going on, and I really appreciate it. In addition, I haven't even been dating for weeks now. I have been so busy with work, finding a home, the kids, etc., that I don't even have time for ONE person, let alone multiple. Also, I don't even want to make the effort anymore. I feel like no one really cares - I'm just "one of their options" in a large pool of sausage they are exploring. I deserve better than that, and I am sorry that so many of you feel you don't. Regardless, I don't know when I am going to bother again, but when I do, I think I have been given a LOT of sound advice in this thread and really, really appreciate all the feedback. Thank you to all of you who have contributed so far.
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