Is he interested or what?!

[LauraXX]

I've been so involved in OLD that I've somehow "unlearned" how to read guys in real life So please help me out...

 

So... there's this guy who's friends with my sister's boyfriend. We've met on several occasions, but he had a girlfriend and I was still involved with my ex as well. Now we're both single. We're both in our early 40s (...but his girlfriend was in her early 20s ).

 

About two months ago we started talking at a party and I realized that he's actually a really nice guy. The next day he sent me a follower request on Instagram and we continued to chat there. Two weeks ago I went out with a bunch of people, including my sister's bf and sometime during the evening this guy decided to join our group. And again... we kind of hit it off and this time I had the feeling that he was actually flirting with me. When I decided to leave he walked me to my car (which was like a 15 minute walk). But he didn't try to kiss me and behaved very gentlemanly. When I got home I already had a message from him asking if I made it home ok and that he had enjoyed the evening. He also said that he apologized in case he said anything stupid and that he was terribly embarassed that he had gotten drunk while I didn't drink at all that evening (because I had to drive).

 

A few days later I had my sister, her bf and another friend over for dinner and I decided to be courageous and ask him if he wanted to come as well. He replied "Yes" within seconds. My sister & bf were a bit shocked to see him at my place. They didn't even know that we're talking The evening went really well, we laughed a lot and when the others left I somehow expected him to stick around a bit longer. But he left along with everybody else. He did send me a message though, later in the night, saying thanks for the invitation and that he had a great evening.

 

Unfortunately this whole thing somehow faded out after that. I went on a trip and wasn't around for a few days. I sent him a short message in between but he just responded with a brief reply. And now... nothing for several days.

 

I'm not desperate for anything to happen. For all I know, we might still be highly incompatible and I'm not even sure if I'm particularly attracted to him yet. But on the other hand... I have to admit that it's kind of intriguing / flattering that he seemed to be interested in the first place. And I somehow don't want to let this go just yet... Would be nice to have something going on outside of OLD for a change....

 

I wonder if I should text him again and maybe ask him if he wants to hang out sometime. But on the other hand, I somehow feel like it would be his turn now, considering that I invited him for dinner the last time. Hmm.... any suggestions?

Edited August 14, 2019 by LauraXX

[Maggiemay1]

Have you asked your sister?

Did she ask why you invited him to yours?

Surely there must have been some chat about it?

 

Maybe he is still not over his ex and just happy to go meet friends to fill a void?

Who knows?

 

But yes it is his turn to reach out IF he wants to!

[LauraXX]

Have you asked your sister?

Did she ask why you invited him to yours?

Surely there must have been some chat about it?

 

 

Yes, of course she asked and she wanted to know if there's anything going on between us. I told her "Not really." And that was that. She's not really speaking to this guy at all so she wouldn't have any insights He's just friends with her bf.

[Maggiemay1]

He's just friends with her bf.

 

And I’m sure she talked to her bf about it!

What did he have to say??

[LauraXX]

He wasn't even aware that this guy broke up with his ex. They aren't the closest friends to begin with. Also, we're in our 40s here Not much gossiping going on anymore I'm afraid

[Reznar]

He is either interested but is quite shy and afraid to try something, or he is just being friendly and you're misinterpreting his signs. I'm afraid you will have to wait for him to make a move now, it's his turn and quite frankly, he is the man here and it's on him to lead this further if he is planning anything.

[Maggiemay1]

He wasn't even aware that this guy broke up with his ex .

 

Also, we're in our 40s here Not much gossiping going on anymore I'm afraid

 

Don’t be ridiculous! Gossip doesn’t dissipate with age. People just get wiser with who they relate to.

 

And someone isn’t relating to you I think?

[Watercolors]

He is either interested but is quite shy and afraid to try something, or he is just being friendly and you're misinterpreting his signs. I'm afraid you will have to wait for him to make a move now, it's his turn and quite frankly, he is the man here and it's on him to lead this further if he is planning anything.

 

I agree with Reznar. So, please don't lower yourself by chasing after this guy via text or whatever. He knows you're interested -- you invited him over for dinner.

 

For whatever reason, he's not giving you clear signals of his interest level. That to me, is a red flag in itself. So, I wouldn't bother reaching out to him anymore. He's an adult. If he was romantically interested in you, he'd show/tell you. But he hasn't done that. Why should you have to lower yourself into chasing him to find out what his interest level is? Don't do it.

 

He's left you hanging by not really responding anymore to your text messages. If a guy does that to me -- i.e. ghosts me -- that shows me that he's not interested in me at all.

 

I'm sorry the connection you wanted to happen with this guy did not happen. But you did all the right things. This guy just didn't respond because he's clearly not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you. If his ex-girlfriend was in her 20s, he may be that 40-something type of guy who only prefers to date younger women. Who knows.

 

Dating shouldn't take so much work if both people are attracted to each other and want the same outcome. He isn't matching your interest level based on his lack of response via text, so I'd just forget about him at this point. He's not interested.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Watercolors

[Art_Critic]

IMO you are both giving each other mixed signals.. when you showed interest he backed off and when he showed interest you backed off.

 

I do think he was interested, just as you were but he got the signals you were just being nice.

I'm not saying you were trying to give him those signals just that it went that way..

 

or.. he started seeing someone else..

 

This is one of those scenarios where someone needed to try something with the other in order to fully break the ice.. either he should have kissed you or you him.. that would have told both sides where each of you stand..

 

as far as what to do, I say hit him up on text one more time..maybe say if he is free would he like to go for a drink and take the temp of his reply..

[PRW]

I wonder if I should text him again and maybe ask him if he wants to hang out sometime. But on the other hand, I somehow feel like it would be his turn now, considering that I invited him for dinner the last time. Hmm.... any suggestions?

You can do it one more time. But do it right. No groups! No friends" No family! Having other people around gets in the way, is a distraction, and prevents bonding. Having your sister and BF there last time was a big mistake.

 

After that you should expect to see a little movement from him. But if not then you may not get anywhere. You can not "end" anything because there is nothing to "end". No one owes anyone anything either. Maybe you won't hear anything for a month,...2 months,...then one day he may have a change of heart and contact you. Don't slam doors shut when you have no idea where the door even leads.

[LauraXX]

You can not "end" anything because there is nothing to "end". No one owes anyone anything either. Maybe you won't hear anything for a month,...2 months,...then one day he may have a change of heart and contact you. Don't slam doors shut when you have no idea where the door even leads.

 

 

Oh, yes, fully agree. I don't have the feeling that I'd "end" anything by not texting him again. At the same time I don't feel ghosted by him at all (as somebody suggested above). Actually, he's the one who sent the last message but it was so banal that I didn't know what to reply. The situation is just a bit confusing and I don't want to make a fool of myself. He IS part of that extended circle of friends after all and we'll inevitably keep running into each other. That would be awkward if I misread his signals now...

[smackie9]

I guess when you invited him over for dinner, and everyone was "surprised" he may have felt awkward about it, and maybe had thoughts he was pushed into the friends zone, or he's overwhelmed over the fact he really likes you and just needs to take a step back and collect his thoughts on it. The key thing here is, he's still messaging you, probably looking for a more positive signal from you. So if he contacts you, be flirty fun and upbeat. Throw the guy a bone and see what he does.

One thing is for sure, guys don't contact you for no reason, he didn't show up for dinner for no reason, he didn't add you on social media for no reason...he has a reason, he does like you.

Edited August 14, 2019 by smackie9

[kendahke]

He's acting like someone who isn't interested in a romantic involvement with you. He's good for a platonic friendship, but his actions are screaming he's not taking this any further than what's fallen out in experience at your feet already.

[preraph]

I would just say that for whatever reason, he's not asked you out and the ball is now in his court. So I'd wait.

[LauraXX]

Just a quick update: It's still confusing and I'm getting tired of it When I post something on Instagram, he's always the first one to "like it" (which doesn't mean anything... I know), but then he doesn't comment under the picture and sends a DM instead. Example: This weekend I went hiking with friends and posted a picture of a lake. He liked it and sent me a direct message saying: "Looks great. I'd really like to go there!" Why not just comment on the picture like everybody else? And if he's hinting at going there together - why not just say it? He's definitely not a shy guy and quite the extrovert.

 

 

 

I guess for now I'll just have to assume that he's not interested. I agree that the ball is in his court and while I normally don't mind making a bit of a fool of myself, I wouldn't want to risk that with somebody I frequently run into. Ah, too bad :/

[Watercolors]

Just a quick update: It's still confusing and I'm getting tired of it When I post something on Instagram, he's always the first one to "like it" (which doesn't mean anything... I know), but then he doesn't comment under the picture and sends a DM instead. Example: This weekend I went hiking with friends and posted a picture of a lake. He liked it and sent me a direct message saying: "Looks great. I'd really like to go there!" Why not just comment on the picture like everybody else? And if he's hinting at going there together - why not just say it? He's definitely not a shy guy and quite the extrovert.

 

I guess for now I'll just have to assume that he's not interested. I agree that the ball is in his court and while I normally don't mind making a bit of a fool of myself, I wouldn't want to risk that with somebody I frequently run into. Ah, too bad :/

 

Even his DM wasn't a direct indicator that he's still interested in being with you. Had he written, "I'd really like to go there WITH YOU" well that's direct. But his comment was more about himself, that HE'D like to go there.

 

Time to throw this fish back. You're just letting it rot on the hook at this point. Assume he's not interested? No, time to ACCEPT he's not interested. If he were, you'd know it. So what if you frequently run into him at work or whatever other venue. Since he's not interested in you as a long term romantic partner, you shouldn't feel awkward around him b/c you're definitely not on his mind that way.

 

Men are simple (sorry guys, but you are). If they want a romantic relationship with you they're pretty direct and blatant with their interest. This guy hasn't been that way with you from the start.

 

Throw this fish back. There are other fish in the sea.

[schlumpy]

. Example: This weekend I went hiking with friends and posted a picture of a lake. He liked it and sent me a direct message saying: "Looks great. I'd really like to go there!" Why not just comment on the picture like everybody else? And if he's hinting at going there together - why not just say it? He's definitely not a shy guy and quite the extrovert.

 

 

 

I guess for now I'll just have to assume that he's not interested.:/

 

Laura I get this feeling that for some strange reason he isn't reading you. I can certainly get a feel for your interest in him from your post but I don't know what body language looks like or your vocal tones for that matter.

 

So he says something like, "Looks great. I'd really like to go there!" and you say what? I'd love to take you there some time? or I'll share my maps with you because there are some other features along the trail you may be interested in? Said in playful way that no red-blooded man would ignore.

 

Sexual innuendo is powerful dating tool.

[stillafool]

To me it seems like he's just trying to be one of your friends like the rest of them. Not romantically interested. He's had too many opportunities to show that he wants to get to know you romantically and he hasn't.

[LauraXX]

I didn't think there would be an update to this thread, but I guess there is.

 

So... we have a date. Long story short: I had not spoken to him for about a week after my last posting here. Then he sent me a text, but I didn't reply right away because I don't check my Insta messages very often. I told him: "Sorry, not on here very often." And he texted me his phone numer and said that we should speak on the phone or Whatsapp instead.

 

We texted for a bit and I mentioned that I invited my friends over for dinner tonight (Wednesday). Told him that he should come over as well. He said that he had to work a late shift, but could come over for a drink later in the evening. When he got off work and texted me, my friends were already about to leave. So I replied: "Sorry, everybody is about to leave now. Some other time?" He replied: "Oh, ok " Five minutes later: "Or I could come by anyway?" Another five minutes later: "Sorry if that was inappropriate. Some other time would be fine of course!" I replied: "Yeah, sorry. Would have been nice to have you over for a drink, but it's a weekday and I have to get up at 6 tomorrow. So I think I should call it a night. What about tomorrow?" Him: "Um... ok." Ten minutes later: "Just checked my calendar. Tomorrow works! Let's meet for a drink somewhere! Looking forward to it!"

 

Sooo....yup, that just happened. Let's see how this goes

[smackie9]

Hah I knew it! Girl light it up

[Watercolors]

Good luck tomorrow night! Thanks for the update Laura.

[Flame Aura]

I guess it's a good thing, but bad that he still hasn't grown a pair and is waiting for you to invite him to places instead of taking the lead.

[chillii]

Nah , he wouldn't wanna come over on a friends night first up , you don't even know each other you need some one on one first , be glad it's going that way.

Good luck anyway, have a nice time.