Too good to be true?

[spiderowl]

Thanks for your input, it really does help. I know I am paranoid but I have had some bad experiences and learned not to take someone's word for it online.

 

Sorry guys like you get the backlash after others have behaved badly, Sal., though having said that, guys can lack trust too and it comes across as offensive. The reasons are usually different and not related to personal safety. For example, the kinds of things guys get suspicious about are:

 

- whether you really look like your photo

- if you are seeing other guys

- if you are overweight and not telling them

- whether you are curvy or skinny.

 

Strangely enough, I don't tend to worry about any of the above when it comes to guys online. Their picture may not be accurate, in which case I will act accordingly when I find out. I assume that people online are chatting with others and are not likely to date just one person until they meet the right one. They may have more weight on than in their photo, but if I liked their personality and the way they looked in the photo, then unless there is a huge variation, I will just take it as natural variability. I don't ask about a guy's physical shape, it would seem rude to me, yet guys ask these things all the time as if they have a right to know. I just stop chatting to such people.

[greymatter]

I don't understand why you are unhappy that he wasn't on the dating site while he was traveling for work. It means he wasn't on the site wherever he traveled to, trying to meet other women. It's a good thing that he was presumably focused on his work trip and not on the dating site all day long. It is also very normal for someone you are newly messaging with to not be touch in frequently, especially since you haven't ever met! Give the guy a break, meet him, and go from there, instead of writing him off based on your general lack of trust in men. A lot of people, men and women, travel for work. It doesn't make every one of them a cheating married person.

 

Your suspicion and lack of trust is something, by the way, that will come through to potential partners if you are not careful, and will get in the way of developing a successful relationship. Your "you seem busy" comment was full of expectations that were not warranted in early dating, though it doesn't sound like he picked up on that.

[spiderowl]

Wonderful! Now put your suspicious nature on low alert and enjoy the evening.

 

BTW, you never mentioned to me what your main guitar is or your style of music.

 

Oh sorry, it's an acoustic Baby Taylor and style of music mostly finger-picking. I'll play almost anything if I can.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for your thoughts greymatter. I know I need to curb the paranoia. It's not easy. If a guy's is interested, he is usually keen to keep in touch. I've had a few chats with guys who travel for work and end up in hotels alone. They get bored and want to chat, so it does not make sense to me that this guy is not online very often.

 

He did say that he wouldn't ever be pushy, whatever that means!

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Sometimes paranoia can pay off, because if it seems to good to be true, it usually is. Four days without contact with someone you're interested in is a long time. He may legit be busy, but he should have made the time. Whatever you do, tread carefully.

 

Yes, Yes and Yes! Learned this the hard way. First off, no one is too busy to text. Second, when a man (or woman) seems too perfect they are. There are people out there who jump in quick, but disappear as fast as they appeared.

[salparadise]

If a guy's is interested, he is usually keen to keep in touch.

 

What is it with women expecting the guy to be "keen," before having even met? It just seems nutty to me. He sees a pic or two, exchanges a few messages and he's supposed to get invested and go into aggressive pursuit mode? Pffft. Not going to happen with a smart man who's been around the block a time or two.

 

Yesterday I got a hit on Bumble from a woman whose pics look like something you'd see on magazine covers –– literally. She sent a really nice message, and admittedly it made my pulse quicken. I've seen her online (match) for quite some time, and I'm pretty sure I tried to message her (long time ago). Anyway, despite the perfect pics and perfect initial message, I am withholding any big excitement because I know the odds are that nothing will come of it. She's the kind that no man would ever swipe left on, so I'm sure she has dozens of options in play at any one time. However, if she continues to message and agrees to a date, I will not look the gift horse in the mouth. She's also my ideal Myers-Briggs type!

 

He did say that he wouldn't ever be pushy, whatever that means!

 

It means he's not going to chase against resistance. Not going to act "keen," as you say. He's savvy enough to not get invested until things progress and look promising. This is the kind of man you want –– not the needy, immature, overreactive ass-holes. But it does mean you're going to have to meet him half-way. Hope you're willing. Have you initiated any text exchanges? You should, otherwise he might think you aren't interested, get bored, or get snatched up by some other woman who does initiate.

 

Spiderowl, you are so cynical about OLD, and have such generalized views about men, that even when you encounter exactly the kind of guy you're on there to meet, you distrust and discount on the basis of there not being anything wrong with him. So you reject men who do obviously have something wrong, and the ones who don't, because you don't believe anything good can happen? Who does that leave?

 

I hope this guy proves to be wonderful and restores your faith in humanity.

[spiderowl]

I know I am mistrustful and with good reason.

 

If he does not initiate contact after his travels, then I will assume he is not that interested. Guys do usually show interest at least, otherwise why would I bother? I am not going to chase a guy, but reciprocal interest is important.

 

This guy is just out of contact too much. It doesn't feel right. He said his job got in the way of relationships and I can see why. He says his divorced but he could still be in a relationship post-divorce.

 

Basically, I need someone who is a good communicator, who likes to stay in touch and build a relationship. This guy does not seem to need that so he is not right for me.

 

I can understand you holding back until you have more evidence of interest Sal. I hope you do show some interest though or she will think you are not bothered.

[spiderowl]

Just to add to my joys, a guy accused me of being a scammer today! Apparently I was a scammer because I was online late (I'm a night owl) and I would not tell him my IQ. He was rude and clearly had a chip on his shoulder. OLD really is the Wild West!