Long Term Singleness

September 27, 2005

This coming March, I will have been single for ten straight years. For whatever reason, this impending anniversary is making me feel more lonely and inadequate than I have in a long while.

It appears that I am still not at a point in my life where I can actually be attractive to women so I'll probably have to contend with being single for at least the next year and probably until at least 2009.

I have managed to develop a pretty full life with many friends, a nice home, a fulfilling occupation and the other requirements for a good life. But unfortunately, I cannot convince myself to be satisfied with this. I realize I am possibly being emotionally greedy demanding a romantic relationship from the world on top of all the fulfilling personal, professional, academic and political relationships I have.

So, has anyone learned any good strategies for learning to feel satisfied with being single?

September 27, 2005

So, has anyone learned any good strategies for learning to feel satisfied with being single?

I would like to know the answer to this also.

September 27, 2005

or better known as a "divorce lawyer". Go to your local divorce lawyer and listen to their war stories. That alone should scare you away from relationships.

I do know that if my husband died/left me, i would never get married again OR even date. That part of my life would be over with.

Think of the good things you get by being single. No one messes up your house, you don't have to put up with sexual/emotional demands from the other, you can sleep with whoever you want, and you can go out whenever you want and where ever.

Lonelieness must not be a problem if you have good friends, and meaningful work.

The only reason i could ever stomach another relationship is the lonliness factor-but you have this beat.

So what is the problem? is an ego thing?

September 27, 2005

So what is the problem? is an ego thing?

No. I miss the kinds of emotional, physical and domestic intimacy that a person can only have with a romantic partner. I find that friends meet different emotional needs than romantic partners do.

September 27, 2005

"emotional, domestic, and physical intimacy" are overrated here.

too often that turns into emotional blackmail, domestic sloth, and sexual coercion.

you have it good-don't f***KK it up with a heterosexual 'relationship'.

September 27, 2005

No. I miss the kinds of emotional, physical and domestic intimacy that a person can only have with a romantic partner. I find that friends meet different emotional needs than romantic partners do.

Yep, and the advice given wasn't too helpful.

September 27, 2005

hey you both are desperate lonely singles, so why not date each other??

September 27, 2005

I think it is in us to want to love and be loved in return. You may be happy but something in you seems incomplete. People who are married or divorced will tell you how smart you are for being single but you don't feel that satisfaction. There is just that gnawing in you to feel the love and companionship of another human being.

Being in love is a wonderful feeling and one we seek to embrace. It also hurts like hell so we are hesitant to open ourselves up for more heartache. It is such a strong force within us that we keep trying to find that happiness with someone all of our lives. Some people have been hurt so much that they have closed off their hearts to keep out the pain. I don't think you are crazy for wanting something more in your life. You want that fulfillment that a good loving relationship will provide.

Keep seeking that love and if it comes you will feel like no one on earth can be as happy as you. It is worth striving for and provides us immortality, in the form of children, and isn't that what we all want?

September 28, 2005

Sweetheart, thanks for being so supportive in regard to my posts about the man who I've been longing for for at least a year.

I didn't know that you were so lonely. If you really miss the intimacy of a lover, or girlfriend, or whatever, then take your own advice - and put yourself out there. Seriously, I am the most spineless girl you'll ever meet. But I went for it, and it's happening for me (as you've read).

I'm certainly not wet behind the ears, either. I'm a woman in my late 30's who's been hurt over and over. I've come to love my life and now want someone to share it with. That's why I've said to myself - "F&!k it. Just do it!" Stupid motto - but it works.

I'm sure you are a smart (from your posts), great guy who deserves a great relationship. If that's what you want. GO OUT. Not necessarily to a bar, but get a hobby that may involve the opposite sex, etc. You'll eventually be fufilled, if that's what you really want. Sitting at home sulking will accomplish nothing.

Best wishes,

Angelina

September 28, 2005

hey you both are desperate lonely singles, so why not date each other??

Lonely and single, yes. Desperate, no. I meet plenty of guys but I don't feel anything for 99.9% of them. I'm not ready for a relationship. I miss the intimacy tremendously but I know I can't handle it right now.The burns that I suffered this year were bad enough for me to lose myself nearly completely. I sincerely hope that one day in the future I will be able to again but it isn't in the cards for me right now. I'm pretty happy with my life, of course there are a few things I want to change, but like Jayhawks said, there is an incomplete feeling, like a piece of you is missing. I don't think you can make that feeling go away....I jumped on this thread to see how other people made that happen.

September 28, 2005

Sweetheart, thanks for being so supportive in regard to my posts about the man who I've been longing for for at least a year.

You're most welcome! The internet is a wonderful place where people thank you for stating the obvious.

If you really miss the intimacy of a lover, or girlfriend, or whatever, then take your own advice - and put yourself out there. Seriously, I am the most spineless girl you'll ever meet. But I went for it, and it's happening for me (as you've read).

I try every few months. It's not that I haven't been trying for the past decade. It's just that I have consistently failed. I have been rejected by four women since March this year, two in the past month. I've gradually come to terms that although I'll keep on trying, at this point, I've lost so much confidence it's not really realistic to think I'll be able to appear attractive to a woman in the next five years at least.

I'm certainly not wet behind the ears, either. I'm a woman in my late 30's who's been hurt over and over.

Understood. I think I may feel a little more discouraged than you did, though, in that my deficiencies prevent me from even getting into a relationship, never mind it not working out.

I'm sure you are a smart (from your posts),

Yeah I am. But I find that this makes me less attractive, not more so.

great guy who deserves a great relationship.

Nobody "deserves" a relationship. The universe doesn't care whether or not I fall in love, much as I wish I did.

If that's what you want. GO OUT. Not necessarily to a bar, but get a hobby that may involve the opposite sex, etc. You'll eventually be fufilled, if that's what you really want. Sitting at home sulking will accomplish nothing.

We all need sulk breaks between the various activities we do. But I agree with you. I'm not planning to stop trying; but I do have to figure out a way to handle my life as it is while I continue to work for a better one.

September 28, 2005

I know the empty feeling of loneliness when you're single. You need to repeat to yourself that it won't last forever.

You can engage in new activities and not only enjoy your time but also meet new people. You can make good friends who share the same hobbies, be invited to their parties, hang out with them, and some day be introduced to Miss Right through them.

Approach as many women as you can - the more you approach the more chances for you to meet the right person. Don't forget to be charming, cheerful, and smile a lot to them! You can also try the dating sites.

The problem that might happen after being single for a long time is that you might fall in love with the first girl who will show up at a time when you can't take the loneliness anymore. It happened to me. I wasn't really single, but I was eager to meet the right person to get married. I started a relationship with a guy who was totally not for me. So keep your criteria up and don't hook up with just anyone (who wants you).

There is someone for everyone, but you need to look for the compatible person, not for Miss America.

September 28, 2005

I know the empty feeling of loneliness when you're single. You need to repeat to yourself that it won't last forever.

I guess this, in a nutshell, is the thing I am questioning. I am thinking that adjusting to being single in the long term may improve my quality of life. I am not sure that my stubborn refusal to accept reality isn't needlessly causing me hurt.

You suggest some strategies below that I have been practicing for years such as:

You can engage in new activities... also meet new people.

You can make good friends who share the same hobbies,

be invited to their parties, hang out with them,

try the dating sites.

I do all these things and have been doing them for years. This is part of the reason I am thinking I need to adjust to long-term singleness; for most people these strategies eventually produce results but, given the place I have gotten myself, that's not the case with me.

The problem that might happen after being single for a long time is that you might fall in love with the first girl who will show up at a time when you can't take the loneliness anymore. It happened to me. I wasn't really single, but I was eager to meet the right person to get married. I started a relationship with a guy who was totally not for me. So keep your criteria up and don't hook up with just anyone (who wants you).

Fortunately(?), there does not seem to be any immediate risk of that

.

There is someone for everyone,

But this is not empirically true. There are lots of people in the world whom nobody will fall in love with. Shouldn't I be confronting the possibility that I am one of those people rather than trusting an imaginary force called "fate"?

September 28, 2005

There are lots of people in the world whom nobody will fall in love with. Shouldn't I be confronting the possibility that I am one of those people rather than trusting an imaginary force called "fate"?

I think you feel you are not desirable. Women do not want you so you think you need to resign yourself to a life of single-hood. You want to know how to live your life single. If this is your quest then make the best out of what you have and feel no remorse for YOUR choice. You need to convince yourself that single is great and you are so much better than married people or people in relationships. Think of all the positives of being single. You are captain of your ship and master of your fate. You are missing out on nothing and everybody wishes they had your life. It really is a mind game so work on telling your mind of your happiness over and over.

Good Luck

September 28, 2005

There are lots of people in the world whom nobody will fall in love with. Shouldn't I be confronting the possibility that I am one of those people rather than trusting an imaginary force called "fate"?

I don't like anyone's answer here so I'm going to offer my own. I was watching the news this morning and was amazed, as I often am, by the poor people who had little to begin with and were wiped out by Katrina. They were all so positive and felt that this happened to them for a reason because they were strong enough to start their lives over. These people had next to nothing but they have such faith in themselves and the world around them that they would be fine. I've always been a bit jealous of people that can put blind faith into anything, I'm far too logical for that.

My new answer to this question isn't to accept it but to keep up hope. It's too depressing to think of the alternative.

September 28, 2005

It's just that I have consistently failed. I have been rejected by four women since March this year, two in the past month. I've gradually come to terms that although I'll keep on trying, at this point, I've lost so much confidence it's not really realistic to think I'll be able to appear attractive to a woman in the next five years at least.

Any ideas what the obstacles are? What do the women themselves and female friends flag up? Are you going for the wrong type?

September 28, 2005

My new answer to this question isn't to accept it but to keep up hope. It's too depressing to think of the alternative.

Ah, JS. Keep hope alive. I'm hoping for the both of you.

September 28, 2005

Ah, JS. Keep hope alive. I'm hoping for the both of you.

Um, thanks

September 28, 2005

Um, thanks

I don't mean together JS.

September 28, 2005

Any ideas what the obstacles are? What do the women themselves and female friends flag up? Are you going for the wrong type?

I have a very clear idea of what goes wrong and the women I've dated who have commented on what went wrong are pretty unanimous in what happens:

Generally, I lack self-confidence in the area of romantic relationships, not surprising given the decade of uninterrupted failure. This lack of confidence is mainly reflected in the non-verbal signals I give off. While I can control what I say, I am unable to control my body language to the point where I can conceal this about myself.

This general problem has some specific manifestations that result in my getting rejected. In any dating situation, one to five dates in to the process, it becomes necessary to make some kind of physical contact. It's usually at this point that everything goes to hell. The relationship fails because

(a) the woman indicates non-verbally that it might be appropriate for me to touch her in some casual way; in the time it takes for me to act on this and work up my nerve to do so, my body language has conveyed such discomfort/depression that she ceases to signal this and her body language indicates that any physical contact would be unacceptable;

(b) whether in response to a non-verbal signal from the woman or not, I decide that I need to make some kind of casual physical contact but my physical gesture is so suffused with anxiety and/or despair that she finds my touch repulsive; or

This even happens with women who are, up to (a) (b) or © taking place, somewhat attracted to me. And, of course, there is no way to not be afraid of the relationship taking on a physical dimension because I can know with absolute certainty that this will result in me being rejected again.

Needless to say, after just shy of 10 years, this routine has got kind of tiring. That's why I'm posting here. It's time to stop thinking that somehow God will intervene and I will stop repelling women and start building a life in which I can be comfortable with how I have been living and am likely to continue living for the foreseeable future.

September 28, 2005

Fusangite, have you ever had a romantic relationship with a women?

You say you've been single for 10 years so you must have had one at one point in your life.

Did the experience of that relationship make you fear intimacy?

September 28, 2005

Fusangite, have you ever had a romantic relationship with a women?

Yes. I have had one girlfriend; we were together from the summer of 1990 to spring 1996.

Did the experience of that relationship make you fear intimacy?

I don't fear intimacy generally; I have no fear of emotional intimacy. And I was just as fearful before my one relationship as I have been since. It's just that for whatever reason, this one woman could see past my anxiety and feel attracted to me anyway. But I put this down to the fact that until she met me, although spending a month or two per year in the city, she lived almost exclusively in a remote commune cut off from TV, radio, etc. basically outside mainstream society.

September 29, 2005

Hmmm... self-confidence - the biggest turn on for women and problem for men. Try to date women that nobody wants to date. Just go out with them, nothing else. don't give them any false hopes. This will make you relaxed (cuz you don't have to sleep with them so you won't care to do the right thing at every moment) and you will feel that you're better than them. You will feel superior. This will bring you self-confidence. Fake it 'till you make it! When you meet a woman you like, you will already have the self-confidence by default.

Smile a lot! :) :)

September 29, 2005

I have a very clear idea of what goes wrong and the women I've dated who have commented on what went wrong are pretty unanimous in what happens:

Generally, I lack self-confidence in the area of romantic relationships, not surprising given the decade of uninterrupted failure. This lack of confidence is mainly reflected in the non-verbal signals I give off.

Ah-ha, the mental game. Self-confidence.

OK, some advice. I think RP is on course with the idea of taking the pressure off. I'm not sure about her undateable women concept tho

My advice would be to practise gentlemanly physical contact with female relatives and platonic female friends. By gentlemanly, I mean definitely non-creepy, non-intrusive and non-sexual. Gently touching the elbow to attract attention, or walking arm in arm. A gentle hug as a greeting and a goodbye. You will break a confidence barrier and after a while all this will start to be natural.

Even in dating, this relaxed, low-pressure, low-risk physical touch will be enough if done frequently - if you break the ice, the girl will take the initiative in the next step. And she will appreciate a guy who doesn't pressure her.

September 29, 2005

Since you are fairly resigned to this lot in life, try to take it a step further. Tell yourself you don't NEED women. Hey you've been single a long time and are alive and kicking. So, when you meet women, and I mean just in everyday life, interact with them like you don't HAVE TO have them. Treat them like a BUD.

As a corollary, be very very selfish about taking care of your own needs. Treat yourself like gold and look the part. Do what interests you and you'll naturally come across some women. Act like YOU are the prize. Believe it or not, this attitude is going to be noticed by the women you meet. They are going to be interested in this very self sufficient man who DOES NOT need them at all. This is a philosophy that the guys who handle women the best employ. Detachment. What the heck you are getting along without them anyhow right!?

Now take it one step further. Don't "treat" yourself to masturbation. Save up your stuff and your energy will skyrocket and your eyes will get very clear and you won't yawn as much. Ejaculation robs a male of his energy so when you aren't in a relationship, store this stuff up for your benefit. The women will notice and your sexiness will be more prominent as time goes on. As your energy increases, and your focus on things out of your control decreases, use your newly discovered time to make yourself better in every way. Exercise like a fanatic and try yoga and tai chi. Try to become more spiritual. In the end, THIS is what is going to get you through life, and not a partner, who can dissapoint because she is simply human.

It looks like you have some anxiety with the physical part of meeting women. Take things SLOW. There is no rush. If you are being rushed, SHE IS THE WRONG WOMAN for you. So get to know her. As you gain her trust, BE HONEST about your fears with her. This will take the pressure off. You may also wish to try some counseling about your anxiety.

So in summary, you don't NEED women. They are nice to haves but many have proven that you can have a very fullfilling life without their close company. You are the prize. You don't waste time with self gratification. You take care of yourself. Yes be SELFISH. When you find a women you can trust, be honest about your fears. It will take the pressure off. Pursue spirituality. This is getting what you want by not trying. Very Taoist. Good luck.

regards

Mike

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