Am I abusive?

[Beendaredonedat]

On the contrary, he’s been apologising all night for his behaviour saying it’s not the man he wants to be and his behaviour was awful and he wish he supported me more.

Then he is enabling you to be the bully that you are. He needn't have apologized to you, you are the one that was being the bully. He explained to you that he was out doing sport and you went nuts on him so him apologizing is giving you an excuse for being anti-social and frankly, just like your parents.

 

His reasons for not are also to do with trauma he’s experienced - should I be going and telling him “poor you you had a rough time so I’ll accept your behaviour stop blaming your past” like you have to me?

He did nothing wrong except not jump through the hoop you were expecting him to jump through. Your defense at the suggestion that this is your fault makes me reiterate that you need to get back into therapy to help you to understand yourself and get past your need to punish when you don't get your own way (as children often do if they don't suffer the consequences of their actions)

 

No because I’m a compassionate and understanding person and understand that life doesn’t progress in a straight unblemished path and genuine human connection is forged through empathy, understanding and growth.

You don't understand that at all but simply give it lip service. If you were with all of those things, you would never have bombarded him with the vile rhetoric you sent to him.

 

I think I’ve been more than self-aware in my posts asking for genuine help but your assumed judgements have no place in this

Sorry, but you are not half as "self aware" as you think you are or you wouldn't be saying what you've said in the post I'm quoting. You would accept that you were the one in the wrong, you would have told your ex he had no reason to apologize and that it was all of you being a bully.

 

“Simply masked things” and not improved - It seems you find it easy to materialise on anything negative but shut down anything remotely positive.

I think you need to accept your role in this more gracefully and not be so defensive about things that are mostly true.

 

I’m not going answer any of your other questions as they’re in my previous replies and I have no interest in engaging further on this thread. I appreciate the honest and frank feedback it’s what I was looking for but I feel that some members respond in an unbalanced way whereas a balanced overall supportive stance would be more welcomed and is the reason I joined this forum. I have also been going through excessive bleeding which is affecting me horribly and making me terribly depressed and anxious, having nobody to talk to about this.

You post on an open forum board and you are going to get the truth... its better than enabling dialogue that does nothing to help you open your eyes and actually SEE the path to actual self awareness rather than the inner dialogue you are trying spin for yourself that does nothing to get you over the need to be brutal to people that do not give you your way.

 

All of that is said with your best interests going forward and I hope you don't talk yourself out of accepting it as your truth just so you don't have to feel the guilt you feel from losing your chit on someone.

 

Good luck, I hope your therapy enlightens you.

[BrennaR]

Your reaction had more to do with the breakup and anger and resentment from the relationship than the actual miscarriage/ morning after pill mishap/ bleeding. While those are scary things, they are not uncommon and you were in care of a trained professional doctor. Sometimes all you can do in these instances is to wait for the miscarriage to pass and for the bleeding to seize in a couple weeks. True, many doctors don't have a good bedside manner to explain this to you, and to really hold your hand and support you properly (I am always curious about doctors not having this training).

However, all that aside, it seems to me that your anger and resentment came out in abusive texting and speech. Perhaps a more productive behavior would have been to wait it out, and maybe reach out to friends and family for support. But if he is the only person that you felt comfortable reaching out, then, of course, something like: "Hey, I know we are broken up, but I really need your help right now as a friend. I am having a lot of bleeding and it's a suspected miscarriage. Can you come by and help me head over to the hospital?" You may benefit from an app called Pocket CBD (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). And a therapist that uses a Cognitive Behavioral Method would be more helpful.

[SophieG]

Look, my dad was verbally abusive and would sometimes threat physical violence. I grew up in that environment for 18 years until my parents divorced (thank heaven for that). As a result (and with my personality and all) I have quite a temper, I get mad pretty easily.

That being said, I have never in my life, been verbally abusive towards others (except for my mom in my teenage years). I can’t control the anger and hurt that arise from different situations, but I’ve learned to control my reactions. Whether it’s taking a 5 minutes for myself to collect my thought or taking deep breaths to try to rationalize if my anger is justified and I need to address it with my boyfriend. Growing in an abusive home doesn’t justify your abusive behavior toward others. When I’m hurt, sad or angry, I will ALWAYS wait a good 30 minutes before sending a text or calling because I know that it will only be a reaction to the emotion I’m feeling instead of the problem or situation I’m facing.

 

Regarding the whole situation with H. There wasn’t any reason for you to contact him because of the bleeding. It was over, he doesn’t need to be there for you emotionally. If you learned you were pregnant (with no miscarriage) NOW that is a different story. But it wasn’t the case. My sister in law almost died during birth soon after my ex and I broke up (we were together for 4 years). He knew her and all, but I didn’t call him or anything for emotional support since it wasn’t his role now.

You’ll have to learn boundaries and respect them. You also have to learn to think before you act and anticipate possible reactions to your behavior before doing anything.

[preraph]

BrownyGoldy, because there was rage and abuse in your household, rage is what is part of your problem. Whether it is uncontrollable or controllable or sometimes one or the other, I don't know. But what you might first benefit from besides counselling is getting into an anger management program so you learn where rage comes from and how others perceive it and are given some tools to control it. You might ask your counselor to refer you. I have known someone it worked well on. It's important to understand the dynamics of it. You need to lick that before you try to have a relationship and especially before you have kids. And you can. It's not unattainable. You are motivated.

[spiderowl]

We learn how to treat others from how our parents behave. We might even disagree with how our parents behave - and behave differently ourselves - but there are subtle things that seep into our subconscious that still affect relationships.

 

Some families teach how to manage others with positive statements and encouragement. Some teach how to deal with things by abuse, criticism or threats. If you have been brought up in a household with negative relationship patterns, it is really hard to know the impact it has had.

 

It is possible that behaviour you thought of as 'normal' or 'reasonable' was seen differently by your partner. This is not to say that you were not being reasonable or that your partner's approach was any better - we do not know that. It is just something to bear in mind because the relationship did end due to some 'incompatibility'.

 

It is actually hard to show love towards someone if you have not experienced much of it yourself or if the love you have experienced has been conditional. One literally does not know how to do it. It is hard to care for someone if you have not been cared for. There must be plenty of people who think that making a cup of tea or a meal is 'love' and who do not realise that a warm hug is also love. A person who has experienced abusive behaviour and not felt loved, will not know how to demonstrate love and care towards someone. They might realise that there are better ways and use them themselves, having learned them since they left their family. That is part of the process of separating from parents, but it is not all instant.

 

I noticed you used abusive words towards your ex, admittedly when you were hurting and scared. But, where did those words come from? Did anyone in your family use them? There was anger and provocation there. Where did that way of interacting come from? Hopefully a therapist will be able to help you to identify the sources of your behaviour and help you to move beyond it. You do have great insight; it's on the emotional level that any abuse or dysfunction is likely to materialise. That is not your fault; you are doing the right thing by trying to identify these patterns so that you can change them.

Edited August 14, 2019 by spiderowl