sleeplessincnd Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 Hi all, I am looking for some advice from people who have significant others in the military and who deal with them being away a lot. My BF of about 3 months is away for 6 weeks then will be back for 3 months and then gone for 6 months again. Things were going really good before he left but now I feel like he is really withdrawn. Is this typical of what happens when you know that you are going to be away for some period of time and have no control over it. I worry that he is not thinking about me and doesn't miss me but I also know that he is not on a vacation and is working about 16 hours a day. Should I be concerned about our limited contact or is this just what happens and things get better when he comes home? I keep thinking that he will start being more concerned about me when he knows he will be with me again - like near the end of his time away, and that right now it might be easier for him to shut off some of his feeling so that he is not preoccupied with missing me. Also, is the military man a different breed? More stubborn - less prone to show emotion? Any advice from military wives or military men or anyone really would be appreciated!
OneSailorsKate Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 Hi Sleepless - I know how you're feeling - I've been involved with a military man for quite a while now. We dated for 3 1/2 years before he joined and then I was with him through the boot camp, A-school process and we just got married on May 14th. He's in the Navy, by the way. You didn't say what branch your BF is in but I can give you general advice that pertains to all branches - His being withdrawn is definitely a 'coping' mechanism. They shut down as to make it hurt less for them when they leave in turn making us feel worse! I finally told my sailor that he had to be honest with me because we both knew it was going to suck but if we didn't talk about it, it would make it harder on both of us! He is DEFINITELY thinking about you and missing you. I had those same fears when my sailor was gone but he told me that they were complete crap - he thought about me everyday and missed me a ton. Also, I would write letters (either snail mail or e-mail) they help to make the days go faster (for both your mm <military man> and you) and if you don't get to talk to him by the phone, at least you get some contact. Military men/women are definitely a different breed - and the women/men who love them in return have to be! We have to be able to be strong, independent and loving even though we're sad and feel like we don't know how we might get through another day because we miss them so much. Just believe me - start countdowns, plan future ideas, hopes, dreams. But also remember that the military commands our boys and that they can whisk them away or change their dates or any of the other million things they do to annoy us, but just stay strong, find a good military girlfriend support group (I can give you a link to one in a PM if you want) and hang in there - you are NOT alone! If you have anymore questions or concerns, feel free to PM me - Kate
Author sleeplessincnd Posted September 27, 2005 Author Posted September 27, 2005 Yeah that does make me feel better! I tried to PM but it says you can't receive! Anyways, my question is about fights when he is away. Can you ever resolve something while he is gone or do you often have to wait until he is back and can talk face to face? I am worried that he doesn't talk to me b/c he is mad but I also know that he can't communicate with me all the time and that he is working. How do you balance all these things running in your head?
OneSailorsKate Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 Yeah that does make me feel better! I tried to PM but it says you can't receive! Anyways, my question is about fights when he is away. Can you ever resolve something while he is gone or do you often have to wait until he is back and can talk face to face? I am worried that he doesn't talk to me b/c he is mad but I also know that he can't communicate with me all the time and that he is working. How do you balance all these things running in your head? *scratches head* I don't know why I'm not able to recieve PM's, I'll try to fix that! Sorry! As for fights, yes we have fought while he's away and it sucks because we both do better when we can see each other, but we've made it through them. You just need to make sure you guys talk things out - don't leave feelings uneasy, especially since it's a while between talking times. That will help you feel more at ease and help him to know that you're stable at home. I don't think he's not talking to you because he's mad - my sailor works 16-18 hour days and even though we live in the same house, I sometimes only see him 30-40 minutes before we go to sleep at night! It sucks. But I keep telling myself this is temporary - and it is. My schedule is screwed up due to school and so is his - but it's not the end of his career, he just started. How to balance all this stuff..carefully. Make sure you have time for yourself built in - I know I felt absolutely sick when I missed a couple of his phone calls but you know what? he called back. I apologized and he understood that we can't be strapped to the telephone. Just try to stay positive - cherish all the times you get to talk to him and hang on until he gets to come home - that will be a wonderful time for you both, enjoy it! However, don't be surprised if it takes him a little bit of time to 'adjust' to being out of the military setting for a couple of days. There's always a readjustment period - both ways when they come home and go back. Good luck! - Kate
Author sleeplessincnd Posted September 30, 2005 Author Posted September 30, 2005 Kate, i can't thank you enough for your advice! It has really help to keep me sane in this tough time. My bf e-mailed today and when I wrote him back I reminded him that it was hard for me to be here without him and that I needed him to keep the lines of communication open. Well to my surprise he called me about an hour later! We talked for just a few minutes but it was nice. We didn't fight about anything and talked about what we would do when he got home. He assured me that he loves me and misses me as much as I do him. I do have to cut him some slack since this is the first time he has had a gf while he was away and is not really used to having to think about me at home! My man is in the Canadian Forces and is an MP. I hope that there comes a day when he doesn't have to go overseas anymore - he is leaving me in Feb for 6 months in Afghanistan! Do you ever get used the fact that he comes and goes or is it always going to be this hard to be without him?
OneSailorsKate Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 My man is in the Canadian Forces and is an MP. I hope that there comes a day when he doesn't have to go overseas anymore - he is leaving me in Feb for 6 months in Afghanistan! Do you ever get used the fact that he comes and goes or is it always going to be this hard to be without him? I'm so glad my advice has been helpful to you I wish I had had somebody I could have talked to when I first started this wonderful thing known as a military relationship (both a blessing & a curse at times!). That sucks that he's gonna be away for so long - especially in Afghanistan. I wish him & you the best of luck - I know your love is strong enough to withstand this deployment Do I ever get used to the fact that he comes and goes? Never. It hurts every single time. I cry a lot those first few days and it's totally normal. However, don't let yourself wallow and get really depressed, then it just goes downhill. I don't mean to make it sound like I'm dependent on him, but to take our loved ones away for long periods of time is really traumatic and thankfully the military figured that out and tries to rotate them back home fairly consistantly. However it's always harder to say goodbye when you've seen them for a while and get used to just being with them all over again only to have them leave. My prayer is that one day we won't be having to send our troops over there for extended periods of time anymore. While he's gone, try to plan outings and other fun things to do - also, make sure to send those care packages and letters! Planning those is a lot of fun and I know our boys (both Canadian & American) love receiving just a little something from home Good luck! ~Kate
Toastie Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 My boyfriend of 2 years just (last sunday) started the Basic Training portion of his new career. Reading this helped with some of the anxiety.... Thnx I miss him like CRAZY after a week - Hoping to God That he Misses me back the same way I don't know how it works - There is no military Presence in my world - Where will he go? I'm afraid that Moving to a strange Province then if he has to keep going for months at time.. What do you do then when you don't know anyone? So many questions... *ugh*
Author sleeplessincnd Posted October 11, 2005 Author Posted October 11, 2005 Hi Toastie, Sorry for your luck - I can sympathize - this sucks! My man has been away on a training exercise for the last 31 days - I have talked to him on the phone a total of about 5 times and got about 5 e-mails. I am not sure what is keeping us together at this point - I guess just blind faith that it will work out! He is out in the bush so he has a good excuse - hopefully your man will be able to contact you more. I can tell you that it gets easier to be without him as you get more used to it. I was so sad when he left and I thought I would just get sadder and sadder as time went on but I am now getting really excited for him to come home. It is super hard for us to know what they are thinking about and even to read their emotions - my man just turns off his sweet side when he is working so I don't get to see that much since he has been gone - but I know that has a lot to do with the environment - so be prepared for that. As for the moving thing I am worried about that too - but lots of military people spend a lot of years in one place. But keep yourself busy and make sure to maintain your individuality it will be important if your man gets sent overseas. The good news is that you can get EI if you move to follow a spouse! Keep us posted on how it all goes and have faith in your man and his love for you - that is the only way you are going to get through this!
Toastie Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 lol. Ok.. Not my most clever retort! I'm excited - I booked plane tickets today to see him for his birthday next month - If I can't have him home - I guess home will have to go to him. Sleepless I appreciate your response - it means alot that someone else is as selfish as I am to think this sucks! I know we're supposed to be happy for them and all that.. but it's just hard the day to day when you think - "Hey that's so funny I can't wait to tell........oh..... that's right... I ... don't have anyone to tell" We can be Proud but selfish right? Ah.. it's love.. there isn't rules! You ever wanna spout off the nastiness Sleepless you can find me at [email protected] - Toastie
Forever Searching Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 There is another forum I found that has military spouse/girlfriend support that has really helped me out al ot. If you are interested in it PM me and I'll give you the link.
Author sleeplessincnd Posted October 18, 2005 Author Posted October 18, 2005 Hi Forever Searching, Thanks for taking the time for this. Are you in a military relationship? I have found the cinchouse.com website - is that the one you are referring to? I have seen that site and find that there is not a lot of talk about relationship there - just more about general support. But any info you have would be appreciated! Thanks! Sleepless
Ms. DysFUNction Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 Yeah that does make me feel better! Anyways, my question is about fights when he is away. Can you ever resolve something while he is gone or do you often have to wait until he is back and can talk face to face? I am worried that he doesn't talk to me b/c he is mad but I also know that he can't communicate with me all the time and that he is working. How do you balance all these things running in your head? I was married for almost 12 years, 8 of them in the military. One of the unfortunate downfalls of these relationships is that there is alot of infidelity. Many military men cheat. Young guys with money, freedom, lack of sex and women coming onto them is a sure recipe for messing around. Enlisted women, married and single will hit on married men or any warm bodied man when on deployment and vice versa. Your man's withdrawl could be a coping mechanism or a sign of guilt. I lived in military housing for many years and heard lots of stories. Your BF may be true blue, for your sake I hope so. To be on the safe side practice safe sex (if you're not already and assuming your relationship is sexual) when you reunite. A neighbor of mine was given "Clamidia" (sp?) from her husband as a welcoming home present after one of his deployments. He had contracted it from one of his co-workers. Be careful and don't trust him too much. Keep your eyes open.
Forever Searching Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Ok, I'm going to try this one last time. The like is http://www.lovingyou.com. They have a military spouse section and the girls there are very very helpful
Turq8 Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 I was married for almost 12 years, 8 of them in the military. One of the unfortunate downfalls of these relationships is that there is alot of infidelity. Many military men cheat. Young guys with money, freedom, lack of sex and women coming onto them is a sure recipe for messing around. Enlisted women, married and single will hit on married men or any warm bodied man when on deployment and vice versa. Your man's withdrawl could be a coping mechanism or a sign of guilt. I lived in military housing for many years and heard lots of stories. Your BF may be true blue, for your sake I hope so. To be on the safe side practice safe sex (if you're not already and assuming your relationship is sexual) when you reunite. A neighbor of mine was given "Clamidia" (sp?) from her husband as a welcoming home present after one of his deployments. He had contracted it from one of his co-workers. Be careful and don't trust him too much. Keep your eyes open. Do you think there is a high possibility that a man would cheat on you in Iraq? How would you know? Is kissing cheating???
Walk Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 I saw a lot of infidelity in the military. Wasn't deployed to Iraq because I broke my back, so not sure on that side of the story. Kind of sad, but the code was alway's what happens in (whatever base), stay's in (base). Meaning, don't tell the wives/gfs, SO's. In my experience though, this was mostly with the really young guy's who either got married for the wrong reason, or really weren't into the gf they had at the time anyway. They didn't just withdrawl some emotionally, they were a$$es to the gf. I could never figure out why the gf's chose to continue a relationship with the guy. Anyway, it sounds as if your MP is an older individual, so I really wouldn't worry about it. Just be supportive. Understand that being in the military is incredibly stressful. Take EVERYTHING with a grain of salt, and try to brush of the little things. The last thing I wanted was to be jumped by my SO at home because I wasn't allowed to call until late at night. I know he felt as if I had forgotten him, but I couldn't call. It's a difference between getting my butt chewed and in trouble for the next week, or a 5 minute call home that could wait a couple hours..... I always loved snail mail. Prefered it over email, cause I coud read it in my bunk right before I fell asleep. Then dream of my loved one waiting for me at home. Also, don't know if Canada has this, but in Marine Corps they have a family support network set up. Your bf will know if they do. They tell the families at home what is happening, contact you in emergencies, etc. They also help the ones at home with support programs, care package ideas, even employment and doctors visits.
Walk Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 There's another sight that is for US military, but may help you too. The forums they have there are really informative about military life, and I think they have one dedicated to wives/gf's of military personell. Anyway, it's at: Military.com You might check it out and see if it has anything you'd be interested in. Here's the link for the Spouse's thread: Military Spouses and Friends
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