Is it okay/healthy for me M(28) to like her F(26)?

[vik1990]

Hi, I'm an M(28) and have a situation and it has been tormenting me!

 

About 3 months ago, F(26) started living with my cousin as a housemate. The first time I saw her I thought she was very pretty. I wasn't aware that she was my cousin's housemate at the time, there were 4 people in the setting and when I asked she told that she and my cousin were in the same dance group back in college. We have good vibes the moment we met. We both enjoyed talking about the same topics and she has this ability to put my words into better and more expressive words (English isn't my first language). "You and I, we make a good team," she said. I love it!

 

I text my cousin the next day and asked about her. He was kinda cryptic in the beginning but told me that she'll be living with her "for a while". The next time we met, I asked him if he'd be okay with me dating her. "I'm not gonna stop you, but don't go up to her and do your thing when you're like I wanna understand your feelings, she has been through some times recently. Her dad had a stroke recently and her entire paycheck is going towards that. And just so you know if something goes wrong I'm still going to be her friend and she is the kind of person that will roast you in front of everyone".

 

My relationship with my cousin is important to me. Though I want to hold him accountable to his words "I'm not going to stop you" but at the same time, I wouldn't intentionally put him in a bad situation. If he doesn't want me to date her, then he's the kind of person who would verbalize it.

 

Anyway, the next time I saw her she asked for my number and suggested that we hang out. My heart was sooo happy. Butterflies and fantasies, lol. We started hanging out more often (2-3 times a week) and I always enjoyed the time we spent together - this is super important to me because I'm not a very social person and don't get along this well with a lot of people. But because of the "tough times" thing my cousin had said, I never really made a physical move on her though.

 

During the time we have spent together here are some things I've learned about her story.

 

- She grew up in an abusive household (dad has a drinking problem) and felt like they forced a Computer Science career on her when she actually wanted to pursue a more artistic career (acting/dancing). I've lots of sympathy for her because I had a complicated relationship with my dad and he recently passed away.

- Recently she became more serious about pursuing her acting career which caused her parents to get more abusive and she essentially broke up with them. I admire her courage to stand up for herself.

- She has been going to auditions, building her portfolio and trying to sign with agencies, etc. Initially kinda judged her for this and it made me insecure that she'll be getting hit on by better-looking guys all the time. But it doesn't bother me now because I admire her passion and feel like she is a trustworthy person.

- She has physical injuries (shoulders and hip) that she accumulated when dancing and never took good care. She's doing PT now but says they're worse because of stress. But I feel like there might be more to it.

- She gets depressed sometimes because of her parents and is also seeing a therapist for it. I think this is the healthiest way of tackling depression.

- My cousin isn't really charging her rent (he's rich) and she doesn't make enough money to afford a comfortable accommodation in SF.

 

A few weeks ago, I had a heated argument with my cousin (about other family stuff) and she witnessed the whole thing. It was kinda weird and I've been mad at my cousin for the things he said and wanted a break from everything in life. So I took a break from seeing her and remained in casual contact for the last two weeks.

 

But this week she texted me again and we made plans to catch up. And when we met all of those butterflies/fantasies came back, I was so happy to see her again. And this time I feel like emotions are stronger on both sides. Her vibe has been more intimate, sitting closer to me, sending me cute texts with heart emojis, etc.

 

I have little dating experience and get lovesick easily. I'm concerned that I might be seeing her situations from rose-tinted glasses and because of all of her life-problems she might not be a good partner. So I have some resistance. But at the same time, there are so many things that I admire about her. Since I've never had a relationship before, I've no means of comparison and don't know which way to go.

 

Would love some general thoughts and some of the following

 

- Is it bad of me to desire her? Given that she lives with my cousin and that she has these life problems? Would pursuing her be something that I might regret later?

- Is there something that I'm not seeing or considering?

 

TL;DR - I like a girl that has some life-problems and is housemates with my cousin. What're the things I should be considering before getting more serious?

[elaine567]

"I've never skied before, but I think I will just go down this black run, it looks interesting..."

 

Trouble with a capital T.

[schlumpy]

I don't see any huge red flags here if you can maintain control over your emotions. Don't get in so deep that you can't walk away.

 

You are right to be concerned about her choice of profession. In America, the acting profession has promiscuous reputation and whether it's deserved or not I really don't know. We've all heard of the casting couch.

 

I don't understand the relationship between your cousin and this girl. He's rich but he takes in roommates?

 

Don't jump into the abyss headfirst until you are sure that your feelings are mutual. She has to care as much about you as you do about her.

 

Go slow and steady. Concentrate on what you have in common and support her. When she seeks you out for your opinion before making a big decision, then you will know you have something.

[elaine567]

No red flags?

 

Essentially homeless and scrounging off the cousin. What's the real deal there?

Grew up in an abusive household, few make it out with no serious ill effects.

Acting as a career. Who is the real her?

"she is the kind of person that will roast you in front of everyone..." Nice.

Is depressive and is in therapy for it.

English is not his first language, how is he going to navigate dealing with this complex person?

She is not some uncomplicated girl next door.

 

Yes some experienced worldly guy could handle this, but even then... The OP has never had a gf..

My guess she will eat the OP alive... I guess he will not come out of this unscathed... if he is not already in the friendzone

[schlumpy]

No red flags?

 

Essentially homeless and scrounging off the cousin. What's the real deal there?

Grew up in an abusive household, few make it out with no serious ill effects.

Acting as a career. Who is the real her?

"she is the kind of person that will roast you in front of everyone..." Nice.

Is depressive and is in therapy for it.

English is not his first language, how is he going to navigate dealing with this complex person?

She is not some uncomplicated girl next door.

 

Yes some experienced worldly guy could handle this, but even then... The OP has never had a gf..

My guess she will eat the OP alive... I guess he will not come out of this unscathed... if he is not already in the friendzone

 

I concede Elaine that you make some good points but he seems determined to try for a relationship.

 

We all play with fire at some point.

[morrowrd]

I think you're overthinking things, we all have problems and a past. We all have family issues - when we're young, we don't possess the tools or the life learning to navigate as well as people who have been in the "adult world" longer. However, lacking life learning is no real reason to avoid a potential relationship. The main source of life learning are life problems and conflicts. Problem solving experience comes from problems.... in a young relationship, communication is probably the biggest and the best resource you can establish together. That way you can grow together and learn.

[vik1990]

No red flags?

 

Essentially homeless and scrounging off the cousin. What's the real deal there?

Grew up in an abusive household, few make it out with no serious ill effects.

Acting as a career. Who is the real her?

"she is the kind of person that will roast you in front of everyone..." Nice.

Is depressive and is in therapy for it.

English is not his first language, how is he going to navigate dealing with this complex person?

She is not some uncomplicated girl next door.

 

Yes some experienced worldly guy could handle this, but even then... The OP has never had a gf..

My guess she will eat the OP alive... I guess he will not come out of this unscathed... if he is not already in the friendzone

 

Hi Elaine, thx for reading my post and replying I love that you're on the other side hahah

 

Acting as a career. Who is the real her?

 

I believe acting is the choice of career she wants to pursue, so that is the real her. She participated in dance (bhangra) competitions in college and felt like that brought out her best self. Lots of people are unfulfilled in their careers, and remain in the jobs they don't like because it pays bills at least. She wants to improve the quality of her life and is taking action towards it. Don't you think that's kinda admirable?

 

Grew up in an abusive household, few make it out with no serious ill effects.

Is depressive and is in therapy for it.

 

The depression can be explained by her recent episode with her parents. She feels abused, controlled and neglected. Having heard some of her stories about her dad, I honestly feel bad for her. The fact that she is seeking therapy is good right?

 

Essentially homeless and scrounging off the cousin. What's the real deal there?

She graduated in CS and is working as a software engineer, I'm sure she could afford to live on her own if she was okay dropping her standards a bit. She actually asked for help on facebook and wanted a month-to-month lease. My cousin had a spare room and offered she can just crash there "no worries" until she finds a permanent place.

 

My guess she will eat the OP alive

Interesting ... assuming that she does see me in a romantic light, and let's say that I ask her about her feeling and she says it's mutual/or not, how can I get any damage here?

[vik1990]

I don't see any huge red flags here if you can maintain control over your emotions. Don't get in so deep that you can't walk away.

 

You are right to be concerned about her choice of profession. In America, the acting profession has promiscuous reputation and whether it's deserved or not I really don't know. We've all heard of the casting couch.

 

I don't understand the relationship between your cousin and this girl. He's rich but he takes in roommates?

 

Don't jump into the abyss headfirst until you are sure that your feelings are mutual. She has to care as much about you as you do about her.

 

Go slow and steady. Concentrate on what you have in common and support her. When she seeks you out for your opinion before making a big decision, then you will know you have something.

 

I don't understand the relationship between your cousin and this girl. He's rich but he takes in roommates?

 

Yes, it was an interesting decision from my cousin, he can be sorta irrational at times. I think he gets a little lonely having a large house to himself (his parents bought it) and this was a good way to have some company and some control (he loves control).

 

Don't jump into the abyss headfirst until you are sure that your feelings are mutual. She has to care as much about you as you do about her.

 

Go slow and steady. Concentrate on what you have in common and support her. When she seeks you out for your opinion before making a big decision, then you will know you have something.

Definitely, any idea on how I can ensure that she cares as much as I do?

[schlumpy]

Definitely, any idea on how I can ensure that she cares as much as I do?

 

She will be interested in every detail of your life.

 

She may react strongly if she senses another female is making a move on you.

 

She will sacrifice to be with you.

 

and most of all, she will overlook that you snore at night.

 

 

Good luck with your love life.

[vik1990]

I think you're overthinking things, we all have problems and a past. We all have family issues - when we're young, we don't possess the tools or the life learning to navigate as well as people who have been in the "adult world" longer. However, lacking life learning is no real reason to avoid a potential relationship. The main source of life learning are life problems and conflicts. Problem solving experience comes from problems.... in a young relationship, communication is probably the biggest and the best resource you can establish together. That way you can grow together and learn.

 

Yes, that's how I feel as well. In the end, we all just want to be loved for what we are and I love that she accepts me for what I am. If it's false, the meer hope of having that in my life fills me with joy. Given my relationship with my dad, I can understand her emotional struggles and don't think she is a problem child.

 

Would you mind giving your thoughts how I can pursue her without potentially damaging my relationship with my cousin?

[morrowrd]

if you pursue this girl and your cousin has a problem with it, it's his problem, not yours. Your job if you start to date her, is to treat her right. If things don't work out, you do not answer to him. Part of making a choice like this, especially with a potential romantic relationship, is to not let fear of consequences or what others think, influence you. You're your own man, make your choice based on your own moral code of doing what's right.

 

I'm old fashioned when it comes to how to treat a lady. And that's always going to be my advice, treat her with respect, be attentive in listening and learning who she is as a person. If she's pretty, admire that but don't make that the focus of why you're dating her. Learn all the things that make her who she is by listening and paying attention to her and let that be the guiding deciding force. Allow romance to develop, or not. Dating someone isn't a guarantee that it will become a relationship. It's a chance to see if there is a possibility for something. There's no guilt or harm in that - it's what dating is for anyway.

Edited August 10, 2019 by morrowrd

[TheFinalWord]

The abusive father/home life was enough for me to advise you to stay clear. Unless she invests major time in herself, probably seeks counseling, that is going to impact her relationships with men, especially romantic, in a really negative way.

[Maggiemay1]

Her father had a stroke and became more abusive after?

You believed that bs?

She was not living with her father or mother at that time , but was living rent free at your cousins house. Why?

[vik1990]

The abusive father/home life was enough for me to advise you to stay clear. Unless she invests major time in herself, probably seeks counseling, that is going to impact her relationships with men, especially romantic, in a really negative way.

 

How bad can it really be? What're some indicators that I can look for if it will affect my potential relationship in a negative way?

 

She is self-aware about her relationship with her dad and how it can impact her romantic relationships and is seeking therapy. IMO that's a sign of someone intelligent, and being supportive of her recovery/journey is a turn on for me.

[vik1990]

Part of making a choice like this, especially with a potential romantic relationship, is to not let fear of consequences or what others think, influence you. You're your own man, make your choice based on your own moral code of doing what's right.

 

I need to hear this, thank you