newyorker11356 Posted August 11, 2019 Posted August 11, 2019 I usually find when men say they are afraid to commit what they mean is they don't want to commit to you. When the right girl comes along they are anxious to commit and lock her down. I would never even think about moving in with a guy who wasn't anxious, excited and happy to move in together with me. This. A lot of the time, it simply has to do with that. Although, some people are just so in their heads that they'll sabotage their chances of committing even if they do want to be with that person.
Woggle Posted August 11, 2019 Posted August 11, 2019 The one woman he is supposed to be able to trust acted in a very untrustworthy manner. That is bound to cause so e trust issues. That being said you are innocent and should not pay the price for it. 1
elaine567 Posted August 11, 2019 Posted August 11, 2019 The one woman he is supposed to be able to trust acted in a very untrustworthy manner. Really? Where does it say that? 1
Lotsgoingon Posted August 11, 2019 Posted August 11, 2019 The one woman he is supposed to be able to trust acted in a very untrustworthy manner. That is bound to cause so e trust issues. That being said you are innocent and should not pay the price for it. Not true at all ... we all get our hearts broken in relationships if you date enough. One woman is one woman. Someone who generalizes from that ... and assumes all women will act a certain way ... Lord, I have had jobs with abusive and incompetent supervisors ... One abusive boss didn't make me think all bosses were that way. One bad gf sure ... will affect you ... but not to this degree. This guy gets into a car accident. Is he not going to drive again?
Woggle Posted August 11, 2019 Posted August 11, 2019 I am talking about his mother. Your opposite sex parent has a huge impact on your relationship with the opposite sex. It works the other way as well. Show me a misandrist and most of the time she has no relationship or a bad relationship with her father. 1
OnlyHonesty Posted August 11, 2019 Posted August 11, 2019 When people tell you who they are....listen to them.
BrennaR Posted August 12, 2019 Posted August 12, 2019 Yes. I guess I'll provide further context here for all comments so far (thanks everyone for the valuable input!). He becomes MUCH calmer when the negative emotions roll out and the normal/positive self takes over. It's really like a roller coaster sometimes. I've also read many articles about how people with mental illness can behave in a relationship, and he hits almost every sign. He said when he's depressed and down he feels negative about everything and just wants to run the opposite direction from our relationship. Then after he calms down, he can't even believe what he said or did during the emotional storm. He feels like he's 50/50 in general about the long term or commitment thing. The logical side of his brain tells him that it's time to grow up when you're 30 something and stop being an adolescent retard; the "wild" or scared side sometimes feels trapped and is afraid of being stuck. When I mentioned that we should probably hold off on moving in together this year, he got so disappointed and sad and said that if after a year or so we still can't move in together, then we're just kidding ourselves. I feel like he's contradicting himself - he wants to move in with me but what he says when he's depressed seems to show the opposite opinion. I think he might benefit from some counseling or therapy sessions to improve his mental health. I read that when you go through depression, what you want or need can be the difference between night and day. And it's definitely no easy ride for the partner, either. He would definitely benefit from counseling and he should start ASAP if he hasn't started already. He probably has fearful avoidant insecure attachment style or some such thing. Not trying to be an armchair psychologist, but there is a lot of this you could read online. With therapy one can become healthier and even "earn" a secure attachment style. Your role would be to support him through this journey and transformation, but he does have to make the decision to seek help on his own. It would really depend if there is enough in the relationship fo you to be this strong supportive person for him, because this treatment may take years and he may relapse. So it's up to you, if you stay in this, and support him or seek a securely attached person that you could be in a relationship with.
Author ktragers Posted August 12, 2019 Author Posted August 12, 2019 OP, can you clarify how his marriage ended? And do you believe his story of events? A true commitmentphobe generally acts the opposite in the early dating stage , them being the one who sets the fast pace. And then it’s them that withdraw leaving their partner confused. You see a commitmentphobe sees others around them in relationships happy. And they actually want that. But simply put can’t do it. It’s all an act! To try to behave normally but they don’t fit. He will NEVER commit to you. Moving in together is NOT a commitment. It’s an act. Even marrying you is NOT a commitment. It’s still an act. You deserve to be with someone who is not acting. Don’t you? He said the first marriage was an immature decision due to "necessity." He was in the military then and was dating a fellow soldier. At the time he decided not to reenlist while the girl wanted to stay. So they decided that the best action forward would be to get married in order to stay together and also benefit from some of the privileges afforded to married couples only. So they'd only dated for a few months before they decided to marry and from what I saw in the old photos they looked happy for the most part. He said he was just so immature then that eventually they drifted apart. He'd play video games for a long time and ignore the wife or become cold and completely inconsiderate of her feelings. I don't know a lot of details but my take on that is that they just started fighting more and the wife had had enough. And the decision for divorce was mutual. He's mentioned before that it was clearly a mistake and if he's getting married again it'd better be the right person and the smart thing to do, because he doesn't want to get another divorce.
Author ktragers Posted August 12, 2019 Author Posted August 12, 2019 He would definitely benefit from counseling and he should start ASAP if he hasn't started already. He probably has fearful avoidant insecure attachment style or some such thing. Not trying to be an armchair psychologist, but there is a lot of this you could read online. With therapy one can become healthier and even "earn" a secure attachment style. Your role would be to support him through this journey and transformation, but he does have to make the decision to seek help on his own. It would really depend if there is enough in the relationship fo you to be this strong supportive person for him, because this treatment may take years and he may relapse. So it's up to you, if you stay in this, and support him or seek a securely attached person that you could be in a relationship with. I agree with this. Too bad he's not really accepting to counseling or seeing a therapist right now. I don't think he's realized that there's some serious mental illness going on, although he does recognize that he has some depression issues. When he's more upbeat he's really all there and doesn't go hot and cold at all. But I agree that the back and forth between sunny and dark days with his mood will always be there and it'd be tough for a partner to handle. I usually see men with commitment issues run away during the early stages of dating but not so much with after a relationship has been established.
Allupinnit Posted August 12, 2019 Posted August 12, 2019 (edited) It sounds like he admitted to being an absent and negligent H to his ex. I'd pay close to attention to that. On top of his commitment-phobic tendencies, I'd wager you're in for a very unsatisfying relationship if you take it to the next level. Ask any woman whose husband would rather zone out in his Nintendo chair than participate fully in his family life and with his wife. He already admitted that he's like a child. PAY ATTENTION. Because you want a partner in life, not another kid you have to keep after. If he's not going to help himself with therapy, then you can bet dollars to donuts he won't be going with YOU, either, should the need ever arise in your marriage. You need to listen to what he is telling you. You can't love him out of his fears or hangups. Too many women make that mistake. I was one of them. And he ended up marrying his wife in a very short amount of time with no issues shortly after that. Regardless of whatever his issues are, the result for you is the same. Whether it's commitment-phobia, depression, etc. he is not going to make a good long-term partner. I know it's hard to see that when your heart is involved. Edited August 12, 2019 by Allupinnit 1
Watercolors Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 OP, you mentioned that his mother was toxic and abandoned her family to marry another man when your boyfriend was a child. Maybe he's upset that you postponed the move-in with him, because in his mind, you've taken on the role of his idealized mother -- a stable, female matriarch in his life who takes care of his emotional, physical, and financial needs that his own mother never fulfilled. His marriage failure is also a symptom of his emotional problems from his childhood. Moving in together will not suddenly make him commit to you. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, at your expense. Is this the type of relationship you want to be in -- a sexually open relationship with multiple partners? Since he's not open to therapy, I'd really question whether or not you should stay in this relationship as it doesn't sound very "safe" the way your boyfriend's negative emotions escalate then de-escalate. That can/will manifest to physical violence with you as the closest target if his emotions continue to go un-checked. Re-assess your relationship goals and needs and if your boyfriend refuses to meet those, then you need to end things with him.
elaine567 Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 I usually see men with commitment issues run away during the early stages of dating but not so much with after a relationship has been established. A commitment phobe can run out at any stage of a relationship, the first date, first sex, exclusivity, moving in together, the engagement, the marriage, the buying of the house, the first child etc. Anything that triggers the idea of being trapped and not being able to get out of the situation easily. Here, you may be able to persuade him to jump one hurdle only for him to refuse to jump the next one...
boymommy Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 I have a different perspective. Its REALLY common for men to fear commitment, especially after divorce. A year is not that long. Especially if he’s already been married he’s going to have some fears. What you have to decide is if you are willing to give the relationship more time vs find someone who is SURE they want to get married..but to be honest its been my experience that a lot of men fear marriage or dont know if they want marriage. Then over time after being in the right relationship they come around. The average guy doesnt sit around dreaming about his wedding like women do..or if they do they may be in the minority. Its just more like a “right place, right time” type of thing. Are there such things are tried and true commitment phobes. Yes. But again those are usually people who fear committing in all aspects of their lives..if its JUST a relationship then usually that person fears committing to the person they are with, not the institution itself.
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