ktragers Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 (edited) Thanks for reading.... Trying to get some perspectives on whether I should run for the hills or still wait and see. I've been dating someone who has some emotional issues for almost a year and things have been going well. We are very much involved in all aspects of life and are planning on moving in together later this year. We met at a social group and connected through conversations. He was really into me and our courting/dating stage was really great. We spend holidays and weekends together, go on trips, visit family and friends, plan and talk about the future, etc. Things have been mostly good except when we have a misunderstanding and if I "accuse" him of something, he just shuts down and become completely emotionless, which makes the matter worse. Many times during such arguments while he's in a bad mood, he'd say a lot of hurtful things that are damaging to our relationship. I said to him that it almost sounds like he's purposely trying to kill our relationship. He said honestly that's how he feels sometimes. He said he's afraid of commitment and it sometimes makes him feel trapped. He feel like being with the same person forever is insanely scary. Now that's not a novel expression from men anymore and I've heard my fair share in life typically at the beginning of the dating stage when they're not interested in going into an official relationship. It's the first time that I've experienced it with someone who's scared of the prospect of getting more serious or the idea of marriage. When he says those things he also mentions that it's surprising to him that I'm still so persistent and haven't left yet. It's almost as though he's trying to push me away. However, he's not actively breaking up with me, which he feels like it's also due to fear of loneliness. He's actually been married once when he was only 22 and that didn't even last longer than a year. I understand that it's making him more apprehensive about commiting again. On top of that, he goes through some serious episodes of depression that he's very down about life, feels pity for himself and isn't very social. All this time that we're together, though, I actually thought that he's very family-oriented and he's more mature than some of the others I'd dated in the past. He's great with kids and feels a sense of responsibility. But when he's depressed he says he hates kids and the prospect of being tied down. I'm kinda sad and shocked that this is how he feels sometimes and I don't know if I should take his word for it, as a signal for exit or if it's different... Edited August 9, 2019 by ktragers
d0nnivain Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 I wouldn't count on moving in until he feels more confident about commitment. Being under the same roof may make him feel more trapped. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 I agree with d0nnivain. I would hold off on moving in together unless and until he is more comfortable with the idea of commitment. Otherwise, you are likely to find him trying to squirm his way out after you are already living together. Under the current circumstances, you two are probably going to have many issues with cohabitation. At the same time, ask yourself if you are really up for the challenge of dating someone who is so inconsistent with his words and behaviour. 1
BaileyB Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 I would hold off on moving in together unless and until he is more comfortable with the idea of commitment. IF he becomes more comfortable with the idea of commitment. I doubt that this is going to be a long term relationship for you OP. It sounds to me that this guy has some pretty serious issues he needs to work through and he has some more growing up to do before he is ready for a serious commitment. Don’t wait for him too long. 1
smackie9 Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 Mental illness/clinical depression is a real relationship killer.....yes run for the hills because his condition is for life. Even if he takes meds and therapy for it, it's never 100%...there are going to be some dark days.
hippychick3 Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 I think that staying with someone who is afraid of commitment is a recipe for heartbreak and pain. Don’t you feel you deserve to be with someone who is eager and willing to commit to you? There are plenty of good men out there who have NO fear of commitment with the right woman.
Author ktragers Posted August 9, 2019 Author Posted August 9, 2019 IF he becomes more comfortable with the idea of commitment. I doubt that this is going to be a long term relationship for you OP. It sounds to me that this guy has some pretty serious issues he needs to work through and he has some more growing up to do before he is ready for a serious commitment. Don’t wait for him too long. True story. He admits that I'm an actual adult and he's like a dip**** kid. He says his wants/needs are in constant flux and it's hard for him to even identify what exactly he wants sometimes. He feels like it's hard for men to suppress the urge to sleep with other women, which contributes to his fear of committing to one person forever. But he also recognizes that it's a childish thought. I did suggest that we should hold off on moving in together. Surprisingly that made him sad. He said it feels like it's not happening anymore after all the planning this whole time. He just seems like a constantly conflicted person - on one hand he gets scared about commitment and feels trapped sometimes; on the other hand if you give him the freedom and appear more dismissive, he gets sad and feels like you don't care anymore. He grew up in a family where his mom was kind of a toxic woman, who yelled and complained a lot and eventually left his dad for another guy, leaving his younger sister too. He's the middle child who's kind of forgotten. He always says that video games raised him and he never got much attention from his family.
elaine567 Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 He's a commitment phobe. He has reached the point where if he continues he will feel trapped and want to run. It may be the moving in, it may even just be talking about the moving in... He has told you he wants to be free and sleep with other women - believe him. Some want to bail after the first date, the first sex, the bf label, the moving in, the buying a house, the first child... etc. But bail they do, leaving chaos in their wake... 2
BaileyB Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 (edited) True story - my best friend dated a guy for FIVE years who told her that he was commitment phobic and did not want to get married. FIVE years she spent with him, waiting and hoping that he would somehow change his mind. She finally decided that she deserved a partner who wanted to be with her. She didn’t want to feel like she had to convince him to marry her, to build a life together. I’m sure, as Elaine said, she didn’t want to pressure him into doing something he didn’t want to do only to have him bail before the wedding, after they bought a home together, after they had children... So guess where they are at today? She is happily married to another man, with two beautiful children. He is in another relationship, unmarried and no children. Your guy, wonderful as he may be, sounds like a very poor bet if you want a life with a man that includes marriage, children, and family. He’s sending up all kinds of red flags, are you going to heed them? Edited August 9, 2019 by BaileyB 2
BC1980 Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 If someone is still scared of commitment after a year, they're not going to commit. At this point, you are wasting your time in this relationship. 2
kendahke Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 He said he's afraid of commitment and it sometimes makes him feel trapped. He feel like being with the same person forever is insanely scary. You moving in with him isn't going to make this go away--you know that, right? If he's already feeling trapped and you're not living in his space, then he's really going to be feeling trapped when you're less than 4 feet from him at any given time. I wouldn't move in with someone when your relationship is on such broken foundation--the first good jolt to your relationship and it's all going to tumble down around you. He's not a good choice to throw in with--and this is a heavy lift for him and a therapist to hash out, not him and a girlfriend who wants to do the very thing that will send him running in a panic away from the relationship. He doesn't want you to live with him--that's what he's nicely telling you, hoping you'll catch a hint. He's not going to say it to your face because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings (or his easy access to sex), but at the end of the day, that's what his actions are screaming. You'd be remiss to ignore that. 2
mortensorchid Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 I think you have to reevaluate things with him unfortunately. Moving in together is not a precursor to marriage. You may think it is but it's not, at least on your part. I have seen countless women move in with someone thinking that this is the next step before marriage only to find the man gets cold feet. He is commitment phobic. I caution anyone and everyone about living together. It doesn't work when people do it. They have done studies on it and we're not sure why, but the sense of commitment with others doesn't stick with people. Facts are facts here. If he's already apprehensive about moving in with you,think he will change one you are in the same place? I promise you otherwise.
BC1980 Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 I think you have to reevaluate things with him unfortunately. Moving in together is not a precursor to marriage. You may think it is but it's not, at least on your part. I have seen countless women move in with someone thinking that this is the next step before marriage only to find the man gets cold feet. He is commitment phobic. I have a friend who is a marriage counselor, and she's always told me that in general, women see moving in together as a step towards marriage or a compromise for not getting married. Men see living together as a trial run.
spiderowl Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 (edited) I think you need to be tough here, OP. If he doesn't want commitment, he doesn't get commitment from you. If he feels sad about that, then he's going to have to learn to cope. Although it is probably not intentional on his part, it is a form of emotional manipulation to get you to accept a non-committal relationship. He is feeling cornered. You are not doing anything wrong, but that is how he is feeling. The more you try to convince him you two should be together long-term, the more he is going to feel pressure and back off. The way to break this dynamic is for you to back off. In fact, to back right off. Distance yourself, let him feel what it is like not to have your full attention and commitment. Let him miss you. It would not be a good idea to move in with him as it would only further the 'cornering' him dynamic and you will become even more 'intertwined' which leaves you more vulnerable if you decide it is not working. Then, not only are you leaving a relationship but you have to find another place to live! You need to break this spell once and for all. While he might change his mind once he realises you are not going to fall for the 'I want you but I don't want commitment' stuff, I would not bank on it. For your own sake, it is probably best to cut your losses here and keep your independence. Try dating others - after all, your current boyfriend does not want commitment, so he can hardly complain! As long as you are the one pushing forward towards commitment, that gives him the opportunity to dig his heels in and say he does not want it. As soon as you withdraw from that and focus your life elsewhere, it will pull the rug out from under him. His 'game' of encouraging you to do all the relationship work will be over. If you push a horse, it will feel off-balance and push back. Imagine this is the situation with your boyfriend. Pull back and allow him to flounder. Maybe he will see what he will be missing; maybe he won't. Either way, you will not be trapped in this unsatisfying and disrespectful situation where your needs are not being met but his are. Edited August 9, 2019 by spiderowl
Lotsgoingon Posted August 10, 2019 Posted August 10, 2019 ... he just shuts down and become completely emotionless, which makes the matter worse. Many times during such arguments while he's in a bad mood, he'd say a lot of hurtful things that are damaging to our relationship. I said to him that it almost sounds like he's purposely trying to kill our relationship. He said honestly that's how he feels sometimes. He said he's afraid of commitment and it sometimes makes him feel trapped. He feel like being with the same person forever is insanely scary. OMG, you ALWAYS ... always!!!!! take someone's word in a romance this far. Let's say I've been dating you for a year ... and I say .. .you know ... sometimes I just wanna quit my job for two years and do nothing and live off friends.. You bet your rear end you better take his word for it ... and run. BTW: get out of his head ... the earlier, failed marriage isn't the reason he has "commitment" issues ... he's got deeper problems ... which probably led him to marry while immature in the first place. Run ... he's not ready to go deeper ... and he will continue to lash out at you. Run! ... 2
Ruby Slippers Posted August 10, 2019 Posted August 10, 2019 I agree that the bouts of depression and aversion to commitment after a whole year make this guy a bad choice for long term. The early months are generally the best, with everyone on their best behavior, and the best he's got doesn't look good. 2
Rocker71 Posted August 10, 2019 Posted August 10, 2019 I'd like to hear HIS side of this. He was married at 22 and didn't last even a year? He is absolutely right to be afraid of commitment. After all what's in it for him? You have to remember marriage is for the woman. It's the woman who benefits from these relationships. Not the man. If the woman changes her mind and decides she doesn't want him anymore or starts a sexual relationship with some other guy and wants a divorce, he still gets the crappy end of the stick by having to give up stuff he worked for. He's being SMART, not afraid of commitment. His gut is telling him to beware. He wants steady sexual access and companionship but that's it. He wants no part of the 'plantation'. You should do him a favor and break up with him. And then go find a guy who doesn't mind giving up his soul for flimsy ideology like marriage. 1
BrennaR Posted August 10, 2019 Posted August 10, 2019 He sounds like a person, who needs periodic assurance and he fears conflict because it can lead to a breakup, obviously he would have broken up with you a while ago if he actually wanted to break up. What happens when you re assure him periodically and consistently? Does he become calmer?
Author ktragers Posted August 10, 2019 Author Posted August 10, 2019 He sounds like a person, who needs periodic assurance and he fears conflict because it can lead to a breakup, obviously he would have broken up with you a while ago if he actually wanted to break up. What happens when you re assure him periodically and consistently? Does he become calmer? Yes. I guess I'll provide further context here for all comments so far (thanks everyone for the valuable input!). He becomes MUCH calmer when the negative emotions roll out and the normal/positive self takes over. It's really like a roller coaster sometimes. I've also read many articles about how people with mental illness can behave in a relationship, and he hits almost every sign. He said when he's depressed and down he feels negative about everything and just wants to run the opposite direction from our relationship. Then after he calms down, he can't even believe what he said or did during the emotional storm. He feels like he's 50/50 in general about the long term or commitment thing. The logical side of his brain tells him that it's time to grow up when you're 30 something and stop being an adolescent retard; the "wild" or scared side sometimes feels trapped and is afraid of being stuck. When I mentioned that we should probably hold off on moving in together this year, he got so disappointed and sad and said that if after a year or so we still can't move in together, then we're just kidding ourselves. I feel like he's contradicting himself - he wants to move in with me but what he says when he's depressed seems to show the opposite opinion. I think he might benefit from some counseling or therapy sessions to improve his mental health. I read that when you go through depression, what you want or need can be the difference between night and day. And it's definitely no easy ride for the partner, either.
smackie9 Posted August 10, 2019 Posted August 10, 2019 Just remember there is no cure for depression...it's a life time of medication and therapy....and roller coaster rides. I grew up in a family of clinical depression/mental illness....you do not want to go there or have that passed onto your children, or have them grow up in that environment. It's gonna be a tough go.
Maggiemay1 Posted August 11, 2019 Posted August 11, 2019 OP, can you clarify how his marriage ended? And do you believe his story of events? A true commitmentphobe generally acts the opposite in the early dating stage , them being the one who sets the fast pace. And then it’s them that withdraw leaving their partner confused. You see a commitmentphobe sees others around them in relationships happy. And they actually want that. But simply put can’t do it. It’s all an act! To try to behave normally but they don’t fit. He will NEVER commit to you. Moving in together is NOT a commitment. It’s an act. Even marrying you is NOT a commitment. It’s still an act. You deserve to be with someone who is not acting. Don’t you?
chillii Posted August 11, 2019 Posted August 11, 2019 (edited) I'd like to hear HIS side of this. He was married at 22 and didn't last even a year? He is absolutely right to be afraid of commitment. After all what's in it for him? You have to remember marriage is for the woman. It's the woman who benefits from these relationships. Not the man. If the woman changes her mind and decides she doesn't want him anymore or starts a sexual relationship with some other guy and wants a divorce, he still gets the crappy end of the stick by having to give up stuff he worked for. He's being SMART, not afraid of commitment. His gut is telling him to beware. He wants steady sexual access and companionship but that's it. He wants no part of the 'plantation'. You should do him a favor and break up with him. And then go find a guy who doesn't mind giving up his soul for flimsy ideology like marriage. Yep l agree and l'd like to too. His mother alone would make any son this way , hate to think what happened with the ex, l'd bet she screwed around too actually. Maybe he's seeing things in the relationship or you that he's just not sure about yet but he's hanging in there hoping it does come along with work. Usually the commitment stuff is coming from the female but in reality in any sitch l was ever a so called commitment phobe l had good reason , but l also had hopes too so l hung in there until either way. Unfortunately though my hesitation proved spot on each time in the end. ps, is he seeing someone about his depression , being raised like that can scar people for life, he really needs some good help. Edited August 11, 2019 by chillii
Maggiemay1 Posted August 11, 2019 Posted August 11, 2019 He was married at 22 and didn't last even a year? You have to remember marriage is for the woman. It's the woman who benefits from these relationships. Not the man. If the woman changes her mind and decides she doesn't want him anymore or starts a sexual relationship with some other guy and wants a divorce, he still gets the crappy end of the stick by having to give up stuff he worked for. You are assuming his wife left him? My thoughts are more that he left her? Again an assumption. We won’t get to hear his side because even if the OP tells the story, it’s only what he told her and not necessarily the truth. Why in your opinion do women benefit from marriage and not men? I’m sure many men would argue that point! What about women having to give up what they worked for should the man decide to leave the marriage?
Redhead14 Posted August 11, 2019 Posted August 11, 2019 Every once in a while I read something on these boards that represents the attitude toward marriage of some men, maybe more than I realize and just cringe. It explains so much about why dating for marriage has become so difficult. And I feel embarrassed for the men who are truly interested in a loving, mutual partnership where both parties are contributing to the foundation of a family and home and supporting each other in ways that are agreeable to both of them and each has ownership of that foundation and have entered into the terms of marriage with forethought and understanding of what that all means and accepted it from the start. 2
stillafool Posted August 11, 2019 Posted August 11, 2019 I usually find when men say they are afraid to commit what they mean is they don't want to commit to you. When the right girl comes along they are anxious to commit and lock her down. I would never even think about moving in with a guy who wasn't anxious, excited and happy to move in together with me.
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