fullofhope2day Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 The guy that I am interested in has custody of his two boys ages 11 and 6and he has another child a daughter age 4 from another relationship that he has joint custody of. I have met his children once, he says that he does not want to have a serious relationship right now b/c he is having to raise them on his own and he is occupied with them most of the time (football, soccer...) which I am fine with for now. However, I s/w a mutal friend of ours and she said that the last girl that he dated they broke up b/c of his kids apparently they know that they have their father wrapped around their little fingers and that they play the girlfriend against the dad b/c they don't like to share his attention and finally the girlfriend couldn't take it and left. This scares me do you think that he is a lost cause and that I shouldn't expect a relationship or that I should give it a chance to possibly bloom into something more. And what are some pointers to dating someone with children as I have no children of my own.
933KJL Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 First of all never take heresay for fact. Secondly, he was very upfront and honest with you...it was crystal clear to me that he is not into a marraige minded relationship probably for another 5 years I am going to guess--when his youngest is at the teen aged get away from me I don't want you in my life stage. As for pointers, and I am a divorced dad with custody of my three kids, if you are patient, enjoy the kids (don't try and replace their mom but be their adult friend), you will do fine. Be mindful that for the time being, his kids will come first--sorry that is just the way it is. If there is an emergency, you are second fiddle. If his ex wife decided to change her plans and needs him to watch the kids--chances are he is probably gonna do it. It sounds pretty bad, but really it is not. My kids know I need to have a life as well, and they are 13, 11, and 8. I do not introduce my dates to them until it is more than a "date" and even then thee is not too much exposure--doing things as a group, etc. until it is more of a "girlfriend" situation. I will NEVER have a girlfriend stay over when the kids are with me unless we are engaged or perhaps have made the decision to move in together. But I also like my independence without a wife--at least for now. Well there is two cents from me!
RecordProducer Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 My 7-year old twin boys absolutely adore my boyfriend. On the other hand my marriage fell apart because my ex-husband had a daughter from his first marriage living with us (her mom died) that was 18 months old when we moved in together. She was age 4 when we split. He paid 100% attention to her and everything was about her. It depends on the man and the children. The biggest concern I would have if I were you is that he doesn't want a relationship. Plus given that his ex broke up with him because of his children, you nw have two big problems. Personally I wouldn't advise any woman with no kids of her own to date a guy with three children. My two cents...
Tiredofsame`ol Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 How long have you been with him? If he says he's not interested in a relationship right now it's with good reason. I'm going through something similar and it's very tough. But I've already invested a couple of years with him and when the going got rough in the beginning I stuck it out. But only to deal with more headaches. Is it worth your sanity right now, at what I'm assuming is an early stage in your relationship? You could not begin to understand how difficult it is to help raise children without having children of your own. You WILL be overwhelmed. Only because you don't really know what it's like to sacrifice your time for them. You basically don't have time for yourself. He should have not even started a relationship with you in any sense just because of that fact. Don't base your relationship on just hope if he's already warning you not to expect more. It's easy for me to say get out of the relationship while you still have your sanity because I don't know how you really feel about him. But I will honestly say it's not going to be easy. You have to ask yourself, "Do I really want to invest my time and energy?"
RecordProducer Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 You could not begin to understand how difficult it is to help raise children without having children of your own. I thought I could live with my step-daughter, but it was a nightmare for all of us. But I believe that some kids are difficult, some aren't. It's just that you risk to develop deep feelings for soemone who might not wish the same. Also, he might be ultimately seeking a mother for his sons who are in his custody. I can tell you one thing fo sure: when you get to know someone's kids a little bit, if you don't love them, don't expect that you will somehow fall in love with them in some magical way later.
Merin Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 The thing that stands out here to me is that you've said this Guy has told you that he isn't all about a serious relationship right now... that he has stated that he doesn't have time... This to me would indicate that if YOU'RE looking for something more than a casual date now and then it would probably be best to keep looking. While I understand that having Little Peeps takes up a lot of your time and energy and I even understand that kid's (for most people) will come first (and IMO should come first) it is also my opinion that IF this Guy was really into you, he would make the time to spend and include you in his life as well... it's called balance. He is ALWAYS going to be busy with having his Kid's.. there are always going to be activities to get them to, school meetings to attend and so on.. this doesn't stop at some magic number in fact IME with my 2 Wee Peeps I find the older they get (and mine are 8 and 5 now) I find myself with MORE on my plate for things they want and/or need to be doing. My BF also has 2 Kid's... his are 10 and 3... and AGAIN he is busy with his Kids this, that, the other... BUT to repeat myself here... it's about finding balance. As KGL has said.. when dating someone with kids (even if you did have your own) never try to replace thier Mom/Dad but just be a Friend to your SO's kiddos... Good Luck
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