Jilly80 Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 (edited) Hi everyone, I am so sad and desperate I really need to vent somewhere and tell my story.. My boyfriend of 40 years old (I am 42) has been cheating on me for the last four years with a girl that's 8 years younger then I am. We have 2 kids together and have a relationship that has lasted for 10 years. I thought we were happy with each other so it's really traumatic for me to discover this.. I found this out because the girl that he cheated with felt horrible and guilty and stopped the contact between them. She wanted me to know about it as well. Se has me all of these screenshots of conversations between the to of them. First of all: my boyfriend is a public figure and he's in politics. So he's well known and gets some attention from the ladies. Now, this girl actively seeker contact with him after they met at an event. She started sending him messages on social media, and bluntly seduced him into having sex with her. After that, they kept on seeing each other. But, since she lives in another state, he had to travel to see her. And, with every event he had in her area, they met. In the last 4 years they met about 15 times. But, they had a break of 6 months because she wanted to stop it cause of guilt. But then she actually started to text him again and they quickly met each other again. She told me that she started having feelings for him at a certain point, and I read that he also was saying things like 'I'm thinking bout you all day'. In between their meetings there wasn't a lot of contact, but my bf would sometimes contact her. Asking her how she was doing and starting conversations about their spectaculair sex. Which made me sick to my stomach. He even send some pictures of him in OUR bedroom, when I was downstairs with the kids. He was arranging meetings with her while we were away celebrating Christmas at my parents :'(. It seems like the contact was a lot about the sex. They had' amazing, passionate sex'. He compliments her on her 'abilities in bed and amazing body', talking bout how he still gets h#rny thinking bout her. I don't know if he had feelings for her. And I actually don't wanna know :'(. How could he just keep on doing this for four years! I mean, if she was just a' hook-up' he wouldn't have kept it going on for four years? I'm also afraid that she's not the only one. I'm so brokenhearted and don't know what to do. He's on a trip right now. Who knows he might be in the arms of anither lady.. Need your help people.. Edited August 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and move to Infidelity
schlumpy Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 Give us a direction. What do you want to do aside from run him over with the car? 3
lonelyplanetmoon Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 I know it is hard to leave but why would you want to stay with someone who has treated you so badly? Not sure what help you are asking for? If you are in his house, pack up and leave. Otherwise tell him he needs to move out. Work out child custody and child support and move on with your life. The sooner you get out the sooner you will be able to heal. Stay and it will be a rough ride.
Redhead14 Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 You need to get focused on you and your 2 children right this minute. They should be your #1 priority. This environment is not good for them and he is very poor role model. Pack your things and things for the kids and go to your parents house, find a job (if you don't have one) and start making a plan for being a single parent and set him up for child support. And get yourself tested for STDs. You might want to have the kids tested as well.
shydad Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 That's awful, Jilly80! I'm so sorry to hear about this. What can we do to help and support you? What are you looking to do? An obvious decision to make is to stay together, or part ways. Next steps would be based on which option you are leaning towards.
preraph Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 Sell your story. I realize there's kids involved, but they don't need to grow up thinking he was a stellar husband.
schlumpy Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 Sell your story. I realize there's kids involved, but they don't need to grow up thinking he was a stellar husband. Damn good idea.
Redhead14 Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 Sell your story. I realize there's kids involved, but they don't need to grow up thinking he was a stellar husband. The thread title says "spouse" but in the body of the post, she calls him her boyfriend . . . They aren't even married (although probably common law). Either way, she should dump this POS. He's a typical politician -- they think they are invincible, morally unaccountable, entitled and oblivious to needs of others. 1
Swingen Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 I'm surprised that a 'public figure in politics' hasn't married the mother of his children. Seems unusual in a conservative country like the US. The big decision is what you want to happen? You can't divorce someone who you're not married to. Seek the counsel and support of friends and family. Remember he will try and talk his way out of this and will most likely have or seek another affair. He was seeing this other woman for a long time. This wasn't a one night stand. So in all likelyhood he will have a replacement in place. 1
Maggiemay1 Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 I’m on the fence here. You say she seduced him almost excluding blame on his part. A faithful devoted man can’t be seduced. Yes it seems like he duped her. But for hook ups only. He seemingly messaged her as if he had feelings but just so he could bed her when in town. Possibly even promised to leave you for her. She got pissed off after 4 years and messaged you. Not out of guilt though. Just trying to get out of the stagnant “relationship” she is in that he pretends to be in. But I’m thinking you are also pretending to be in a relationship that you are not? After 10 years and 2 kids , why is he not your husband? 3
stillafool Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 (edited) She didn't have to do much seducing if he was traveling many miles to see her. Please stop putting all the blame on her. I'm curious after 10 years and 2 kids why he is not your husband by now. Could it be that you are living with a lying player? The fact that he could do this behind your back for 4 years straight says he is capable of doing this to you again and again. One thing is for sure he not only is fooling her but you also and I bet she isn't his only OW. Edited August 9, 2019 by stillafool 1
kendahke Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 (edited) She started sending him messages on social media, and bluntly seduced him into having sex with her. Understand this: NOTHING went on between the two of them that HE didn't ok with himself, first. Yeah, it sucks that she went hard for him, but he knows you've basically been his common-law wife for 10 years and that you have 2 kids together and still, all of that wasn't enough in him to make him stop and consider you, your feelings and your children. In fact, he did the opposite: he demoted you and your importance for another woman and he did that of his own volition. He's a grown man--you can't make make them do anything they haven't already decided was a good idea to do. And she didn't alert you because she's so "pro sisterhood"--she did that to hurt him and she didn't care that you and the kids get hurt in the process of what she willfully entered into with him. Funny how that sisterhood thing didn't slip into gear when she initially found out about you and the kids 4 years ago, huh? So what are you going to do about it? Send the screenshots to his political opponent. Edited August 9, 2019 by kendahke
Redhead14 Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 The reference to him having been seduced is about minimization in order to somehow cushion his guilt and justify a decision to stay with him because that would be easier than leaving. 1
Normm Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 The thread title says "spouse" but in the body of the post, she calls him her boyfriend . . Yes, those types of discrepancies make one wonder.
Author Jilly80 Posted August 9, 2019 Author Posted August 9, 2019 (edited) First of all, thank you for your reactions. I'm feeling like a wreck, to be honest. And I feel all sorts of emotions. Anger, sadness. I already told my parents about it, so my kids are there for the weekend. That gives me some space to sort things out. I am almost definite that I don't want to go on with this relationship. The betrayal is too harsh. I might had accept this if it was a 'onetime - mistake' or drunken one nightstand or something. But he willfully arranged meetings with her. They went out for dinners, grabbed a few drinks together etc. He had also told her 'this is complicated. We shouldn't fall in love but I'm constantly thinking bout you'. That was after she had admitted to feel something for him and therefore no longer wanted to see him. Their break of 6 months came after that. And really, the minute she texted him again he totally wilfully, like a dog on a leash, went for it and they saw each other a week (!) later, cause he coincidentally was in her area. I also wonder: if she hadn't break up with him, how long would this have lasted? She broke up with him about a week ago, saying that she could no longer do this etc. I am most angry about him acting so selfish, knowing damn good how this could hurt our kids. And what made me really very upset was the fact that they had unprotected sex.. I feel so disgusting. I wanna check myself on std's but I think it's so embarrassing to do that. I now am thinking about ways to confront him with this. He'll be back from his trip this Sunday. I feel sick to my stomach thinking bout seeing him :'( Edited August 9, 2019 by Jilly80 1
Beendaredonedat Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 What politician in the US is living with their partner, has two children with her but is not married to her. ... *Leaves to google* 2
kendahke Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 I wanna check myself on std's but... But nothing. Get over your reticence to look out for your own health with a quickness and make an appointment with your doctor and get tested. You think you're the first person to come into their office in this situation? You think STD's are going to wait on you to get over being embarrassed? I now am thinking about ways to confront him with this. He'll be back from his trip this Sunday. I feel sick to my stomach thinking bout seeing him :'( I'd be gone--all belongings moved out and no trace of either me or the kids. The only thing left would be print outs of the text messages they shared taped to the fridge. His political opponent would get a copy of the texts, too, but that's me being pettaaaaaaaaaay a.f. 3
Author Jilly80 Posted August 9, 2019 Author Posted August 9, 2019 He's actually not my husband.. He just never 'popped the question'. First, I wasn't happy with that, but he convinced me that having children together is way more of a lifetime connection than being married. He also comes from a broken family with a 'horrordivorce' and therefore has an aversion against marriage. I then became pregnant and couldn't really be bothered by marriage, also because a lot of friends ended their marriage. So, that stopped making marriage something 'sacred' for me as well.
kendahke Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 He's actually not my husband.. He just never 'popped the question'. First, I wasn't happy with that, but he convinced me that having children together is way more of a lifetime connection than being married. He also comes from a broken family with a 'horrordivorce' and therefore has an aversion against marriage. I then became pregnant and couldn't really be bothered by marriage, also because a lot of friends ended their marriage. So, that stopped making marriage something 'sacred' for me as well. If you weren't dealing with this man, would marriage be something sacred for you?
Normm Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 So, that stopped making marriage something 'sacred' for me as well. Unfortunately it also pushes spousal maintenance off the table as well.
mark clemson Posted August 10, 2019 Posted August 10, 2019 Get over your reticence to look out for your own health with a quickness and make an appointment with your doctor and get tested. You think you're the first person to come into their office in this situation? You think STD's are going to wait on you to get over being embarrassed? Seconding this...
Maggiemay1 Posted August 10, 2019 Posted August 10, 2019 To start with it is of utmost importance to get tested for stis. It’s not embarrassing. You have done nothing wrong. It’s not necessarily over between them. She is simply contacting you as a last ditch attempt to get him to leave you for her. She is not feeling guilty at all. When she says she can’t “do this anymore” , essentially means she won’t see him while he is in another relationship. She wants to be his full time gf , not his mistress. When he arrives home, simply tell him you are aware that he has been seeing another woman. Don’t tell him who (there are likely others) and don’t tell him you know how long for. Let him tell you. That way you might learn more details than you know already and you might learn his extent of his lies. Let him trip himself up. If you tell him who , he will likely try lie and say it was a one off , that she was a stalker and threatened to publicise it etc. Good luck. Be strong!!
Turning point Posted August 10, 2019 Posted August 10, 2019 He's actually not my husband.. Doesn't really matter. He has two kids with you and you've all been living in the same HOUSEHOLD. Go consult with a lawyer ASAP. You're easily entitled to more than just child support. Seek full residential custody. If you've been contributing to this home seek a conveyance as well. Seek to have him pay your legal fees. Never underestimate what the courts will do when children are involved. This is all about your children now - you're relationship with this man has to end. He's not just a cheater - he sounds like a very slimy con-artist. Don't give him anymore space in your head. Think and focus on who YOU want to be 2, 3, 5 years ahead and work on that.
Turning point Posted August 10, 2019 Posted August 10, 2019 [This U.S.] politician is living with their partner, has two children but, is not married.. "Who is: Mayor of Anytown USA?" Next: I'll take "Other Jerks" for $200 2
Buffer Posted August 10, 2019 Posted August 10, 2019 Jill I am so sorry to read your post. May I offer some advice, if possible don’t make any long term life altering decisions so soon after DD. Your bf is a pig! But is the father of your children, he needs to know the hurt he has caused, the betrayal and loss of trust: (even though he in politics); there is no trust. Your emotions will be off the charts, the hurt is like a knife, your mind will be full of movies of him intertwined in his sexual antics. When he reaches out to touch you his skin will feel like it burns. You need your space. Please take one day at a time. Even hour by hour, to get through it. He should be out of the family abode, not you or the kids. Get in the home, pack him a bag and have him out living with his who ever! Total NC, for at least a few weeks; please seek legal advice to know your rights under the laws of your location. Day by day. As per other’s advice please undertake medical checks straight away. There is no shame for you in doing this, it is all on him. Day by day. When You are ready, seek the information you need. Get him to write a time line of the event however; what you ask can be hurtful later on. Once heard it can’t be un heard. Day by day. He may not want to come back, he may. If he does then it is up to you how this will go. Information regarding the relationship, openness etc you make the call. Day by day. Good luck, sorry for your pain big cyber hugs.
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