CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 I would not tell your affair partner. It will just create more stress on you now as you fear every day he will tell your husband. Of course once you have the baby and he finds out, you will also be living in that fear, but at least it won't affect the pregnancy as much. Of course what you should do it is tell your husband now so he can make a choice for himself about your marriage. 2
pepperbird Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 op, I'm confused about something, and maybe you can clear it up. if there is no chance at all the baby could be Om's, why would it matter if he found out you're pregnant? Are you worried that finding out cold make him jealous and he'll tell your husband? I don;t know your om or what sort of person he is, but he fact that you are worried this could happen tells me it won't take much for him to tell your husband. H e could do it because he's bored, angry at you, jealous, just wants to be a sh*t disturber or he suddenly gets an attack of conscience, he can do it any time he wants. That's the reality. What are you going to do about it? How will you prepare yourself for that possibility? If your om does claim paternity, even if it's just to be a jerk, it's not really going to matter if he's not the father, it will still tip over apple cart really quickly. In the grand scheme of things, your pregnancy will just be a blip in the time frame of your life. You are going to be facing the possibility of your om finding out and spilling the beans for a long time to come. How will you get out in front of all of this? From your husband's perspective, telling him before he hears if from someone else is far preferable. Not that either will be a walk in the park, but at least if he hears it from you, he'll be spared a bit of the humiliation of having your ex-om cal or text him out of the blue that his pregnant wife has been cheating on him. no one can tell you what to do, you need to decide. If you were in his shoes, what woudl you want? What do you feel is the most loving thing you can do for him about this? only you know the answers to those questions. 1
Bryanp Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 You said that the OM said some disrespectful words towards your husband which is why you decided to stop talking because you couldn't take the insult for your husband. You had a long term emotional affair and sex with your lover. Yet, you could insult your husband by having unprotected sex with your lover. This does not make sense. 3 2
Author Kuzcotop Posted August 8, 2019 Author Posted August 8, 2019 You said that the OM said some disrespectful words towards your husband which is why you decided to stop talking because you couldn't take the insult for your husband. You had a long term emotional affair and sex with your lover. Yet, you could insult your husband by having unprotected sex with your lover. This does not make sense. May be nothing makes sense here.....I know I did wrong and I said it several times and m regreting thats why m seeking advice from you people......I hated what I did but that doesn't mean someone else have the right to insult my husband for no reason....he has nothing to do with this...how come I can tolerate that someone else saying bad words for him ??? I regret it from deep inside that's why I couldn't take it anymore....hope this make sense now.
aliveagain Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 Perhaps English may not be your first language, you come across as minimizing. Rather then giving us the full history of your affair you say things like, after we had sex the first time it continued for a few years, that to me is minimizing. How long is a few years, 2, 3 5? The longer your affair the harder it is to confess because years can equate to living a double life. The birth of your child should be joyous but your affair has in one way or another tainted everything you now experience. It certainly will for your husband. The man you were sleeping with is a loose cannon and from what you have written thus far a real danger to your marriage and family. I can not stress to you enough how close you are to being found out by your husband based on what you have said about your boyfriend. My suggestion to you as a betrayed spouse who found out about his spouses long term affair from others is to be the one to confess to your husband rather then being caught. Confessing shows your are repentant, being caught shows you intend on continuing to cheat. One gives you a shot at reconciliation the other probably destroys it. The best way to confess infidelity is to do it in front of a marriage counsellor, book a session for you and your husband and have the counsellor there to support the marriage after you confess. Your unborn child does not deserve this, she/he deserves to be celebrated that is why I recommend you get the bad part done before they come into the world. You need a lot of independent counselling to find out what is broken in you so you can be the best mother you can be regardless of your marriage. 4
DKT3 Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 After rereading this, I get the impression that she was actually dumped by the MM and her desire to tell him about her pregnancy is some kind of last ditch effort to get him back. It just makes no sense that she stopped having sex with him 2 year ago, hasn't spoken to him in a while yet feels a need to tell him or is she wanting to explain it to him. I suspect OP wont hang around here very long to answer questions. 5
d0nnivain Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 No...the AP cant claim that the baby is his becoz its been 2 yrs we had sex as we were long distanced....in between we were connected through social media n chats.....from last few months we were fighting a lot and he said some disrespectful words towards my husband that's why I decided to stop talking....i couldn't take the insult for my husband..... That's kind of rich. You & the AP/OM broke up because he insulted your husband. Don't you think that the affair you had was insulting to your husband? If you haven't had sex with the guy in 2 years, then you are correct the baby is not his. That said, if your AP wants to raise a fuss, he could claim that the baby is his. Of course it won't be but your husband will still find out about the affair. That is why we are encouraging you to be the one who tells your husband. This secret is bound to come out. There is some possibility you may be able to work through things with your husband if you confess. If your husband hears about the affair from somebody else it's less likely that he will be willing to work to get past this. He still may not but if the roles were reversed how would you rather learn the bad news? For your baby's sake, you need to make sure that no cloud hangs over the child's birth. We get that you feel remorseful now but the idea that you want to reinitiate contact with your AP to announce this pregnancy knowing it can't be his just makes me question your decision making. There is no need to tell him. You need to be disconnected from him on all platforms. He's out of your bed; get him off your phone & computer & out of your mind. He better be totally gone before you tell DH. If he sees a whiff of the smallest connection you are doomed. If your husband finds out you told the OM about the pregnancy he will never believe that you two hadn't been physical for the last 2 years. 1
Lewhawk Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 Only one who needs to be told anything is your husband. You’ve been cheating on the guy for years, telling him won’t hurt him, having sex with another man is what hurt him. Also sounds like if ap hadn’t been a jerk you’d still be cheating. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 After rereading this, I get the impression that she was actually dumped by the MM and her desire to tell him about her pregnancy is some kind of last ditch effort to get him back. It just makes no sense that she stopped having sex with him 2 year ago, hasn't spoken to him in a while yet feels a need to tell him or is she wanting to explain it to him. I suspect OP wont hang around here very long to answer questions. I'm not getting that impression. I think she's probably already BEEN afraid he's going to lash out and tell her husband about the affair, and this pregnancy for some reason has made it even more likely to her that he will. Maybe she told the AP that she and her husband no longer had sex.
seren Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 Right now your responsibility is to the health of your unborn baby, everything else must wait. If your sure the baby is your husband’s then there is no need for DNA tests, no need to let the OM know. Try to stop worrying. There is no need for the OM to contact your husband and it is unlikely he will, if he does, well that’s a bridge you will have to cross when you come to it. My H had an affair and told me, if I had found out I would have walked away, as it is, we worked things out. I don’t agree with the BS not knowing, but, I can see that my situation is very far removed from yours. It seems to me it started off as you being lonely, starting off as fun, then, when you found out his true nature, you want to walk away as if nothing has happened. I also think you have realised that your husband is who you really want and that him being away you lost touch with what you have. I might be totally wrong, but so many affairs start this way. At some point you will have to have that conversation with your husband for your own peace of mind. Despite my knowing how finding out about how being a BS feels, I also know how loneliness feels when you are on your own a lot, I also know what it feels like to be a new Mum. It should be a time for happiness and planning for the future, stressing out is not the best for you and baby right now and a DDay is extremely stressful. Try to look after you and baby, the rest can wait. I doubt the OM will do anything but make absolutely sure you are no longer in contact with him, otherwise you will reap what you sow. I hope it all works out.
Amethyst68 Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 Sorry but I don't see any remorse or even regret, I see fear. I don't think OP has any thought about announcing pregnancy to AP because she won't be able to hide it. I would bet they're still friends on Facebook and/or other social media, he's maybe even linked to friends or family members, anyway updates on pregnancy would be hard to miss. It's only my opinion but I also think she knows that something about the pregnancy will trigger him, maybe it was something from earlier in their affair. I don't know but now she's trying to do damage control. Like I said, it's only my opinion, like everyone else I'm just a stranger on the internet.
Turning point Posted August 9, 2019 Posted August 9, 2019 (edited) I think she's probably already BEEN afraid he's going to lash out and tell her husband about the affair, and this pregnancy for some reason has made it even more likely to her that he will. Pregnant women require resources. It's that simple. It's been two years since she and the other man were actively engaged with each other. The only change in the status-quot is her pregnancy. Whether the OP realizes it or not, her panic about the other man is part of nesting. She wants her marriage and the nest it provides. We like to think that human beings are so above nature, but in the modern world a threat to our economic status or home is no different than wolves circling our cave. The disconnect she has with what people are posting is that she's not looking for emotional or psychological reflection and growth. She just wants that wolf to go away. Edited August 9, 2019 by Turning point 2
Dimjo9 Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 (edited) On 8/7/2019 at 1:16 PM, Kuzcotop said: Hi..m a 30 yrs old lady married with a good man for 12yrs... so long story short because of his work schedule and work pressure he couldn't give me much time...i felt so lonely days after days....then got in touch with a school friend ( unmarried )who were in love with me in my childhood....after a year of chats and phone conversations we finally met and couldn't control our emotions and end up in bed....this thing continued for few years and i starter feeling like he is not at all a good person with whom I can move out....I started ignoring him and its been a month we r not in touch......in between I found out m pregnant with my hubby....so now m confused that should i tell my school bf about this and how he gonna react ? Will he blackmail me ? I want a peaceful pregnancy so m scared of telling him....plz advice what should I do ??? I know I did wrong thing but i regret it everyday now and want to stay with my husband only. On 8/7/2019 at 2:48 PM, Kuzcotop said: 200% sure its my hubby's and I dont want to ruin this happiness telling him about the affair.....only thing m worried about is if the affair guy gets to know about the baby after 9 months...otherwise i did all d the STD/STI tests and m clear on everything... FYI... me and that Ap are not in any physical relationship from last 2 yrs as we were long distanced. Hi. If their is any decency left in you make a timeline & confess to your husband. Instead of your AP spilling everything. Your pregnancy is not an issue, its the way you shame your family. Please also inform your parents, siblings so you have a support group after all “blood is thicker than water”. Then initiate the divorce, if u have previous kids 100% custody goes to your H. Also don’t ask anything financial, move out of the house. This is small compensation for the pain & suffering you caused him; if this is your 1st child after giving birth have paternity test. Decent H doesn’t go for “revenge affair” especially educated & God fearing. This goes against their principles & breeding. Help your H to move on & find his happiness. If he will go for R have the moral decency to say NO.. Your OM is single ? Assuming he is start a life with him.. After giving birth if the child is 200% his give him the baby.. The child will grow up without a biological mother; but this is much better than be raise by one tainted with dirt & sin. The law of Karma- what goes around comes around; as you reap as you shall sow. This goes for your & the OM.. The 10 commandments from the Holy Book where all laws emanates since the medieval time says : Thou shall not covet other mans wife - OM; Thou shall not commit adultery-YOU.. Your H will cry, tremble, fall into depression if he’s not battle scarred by life’s experienced. His Tears will reach Heaven. He’s not perfect & has his own flaws but he respected the 10 Commandments.. Without him doing anything karmic justice will be serve in due time. The oppressor YOU & OM will have lifetime of pain & suffering that will never end; the Oppressed H will have a lifetime of happiness & peace.. I can see your H having a bright & sunny future with a Lady who will love him for what he is. Edited January 25, 2020 by Dimjo9 Spelling
pepperbird Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 On 8/7/2019 at 11:48 PM, Turning point said: The person who put you in this position is the other man. He could have saved you from this fate by being mature and honorable. He instead appears to be okay with ruining your life for a little side action. So, you can't have this guy because when you really take a good look at him - he's not what you want. no, the person who put her in this position was herself. 5
pepperbird Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 op, if there is any chance at all, no matter how tiny it may be, that the baby is not your husband's, please tell him now. Not s much for the adults in the situation, but for this new little life to be. It sucks finding out there's a genetic surprise in your background, and your need to protect yourself doesn't outweigh their right to know know they are and where they came from.
ARAMCOMAN Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 One thing is sure even if your AP contacts your BH and blows up your world the only one to blame is yourself. Why don't you be the honorable one & tell your BH what you have been up to the last few years then he can decide if he wants to stay with a cheater or not. You created the mess its up to you to clean it up not sweep it under the rug. 1
schlumpy Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 On 8/7/2019 at 4:16 PM, Kuzcotop said: I know I did wrong thing but i regret it everyday now and want to stay with my husband only. I don't think it matters what you want or what your OM wants. It only matters what your husband wants when he finds out about the two of you. That's your real problem. 2
schlumpy Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 On 8/7/2019 at 5:48 PM, Kuzcotop said: 200% sure its my hubby's and I dont want to ruin this happiness telling him about the affair.....only thing m worried about is if the affair guy gets to know about the baby after 9 months...otherwise i did all d the STD/STI tests and m clear on everything... FYI... me and that Ap are not in any physical relationship from last 2 yrs as we were long distanced. So you thinks it's likely he will blackmail your for more sex? What a great guy.
schlumpy Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 On 8/8/2019 at 12:03 PM, mark clemson said: I think she means the kind of person who would hurt someone who's struggling and in a difficult place emotionally even more, and then convince themselves that they have the moral high ground just because that person they are being sadistic to did something wrong. No one ever learns unless there consequences for their decisions. There are much heavier consequences she is facing at the moment with the criticism of a bunch of strangers being the least among them.
JS84 Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 (edited) Quote May be nothing makes sense here.....I know I did wrong and I said it several times and m regreting thats why m seeking advice from you people......I hated what I did but that doesn't mean someone else have the right to insult my husband for no reason....he has nothing to do with this...how come I can tolerate that someone else saying bad words for him ??? I regret it from deep inside that's why I couldn't take it anymore....hope this make sense now. This makes no sense to me. You cheated on your husband, screwed another man behind his back for years, are actively lying about it by omission, trying to convince yourself to continuously lie to your husband for the sake of your own selfishness and peace of mind and yet you seem to have this idea that the loser you were with owed your husband respect. All the while both you and him were disrespecting him for years in the worst possible way. You much more so as that man didn't owe your husband anything. You were perfectly fine letting him screw you behind your husband's back, but talking badly about your husband?? That was a step too far?? Do you not see how silly and warped your line of thinking is?? I don't think you're worried about this guy at all. After two years of no contact, why would you even think he gives a s***? I'm wondering if the source of your anxiety is bringing a new life into this world with all the lies, betrayal, secrets that he/she will be born into. That will be 100% on you. And the fallout from your actions and bringing innocent lives into that will be 100% on you as well. You come off as someone who has never really had to deal with the consequences of their actions and actively avoids it. Because I can tell you if your husband finds out one day that for for the entirety of his children's life and before that his marriage was a lie, things are going to get biblically bad for you. And your child and future children will suffer for it. I recommend what others have said, that you seek therapy. You sound extremely selfish and self-centered. You seem to care more about yourself than anyone else. Hope things work out and you get your happiness as that seems to be your #1 focus. Good luck. Edited January 26, 2020 by JS84 1 1 1
Dimjo9 Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 10 minutes ago, JS84 said: This makes no sense to me. You cheated on your husband, screwed another man behind his back for years, are actively lying about it by omission, trying to convince yourself to continuously lie to your husband for the sake of your own selfishness and peace of mind and yet you seem to have this idea that the loser you were with owed your husband respect. All the while both you and him were disrespecting him for years in the worst possible way. You much more so as that man didn't owe your husband anything. You were perfectly fine letting him screw you behind your husband's back, but talking badly about your husband?? That was a step too far?? Do you not see how silly and warped your line of thinking is?? I don't think you're worried about this guy at all. After two years of no contact, why would you even think he gives a s***? I'm wondering if the source of your anxiety is bringing a new life into this world with all the lies, betrayal, secrets that he/she will be born into. That will be 100% on you. And the fallout from your actions and bringing innocent lives into that will be 100% on you as well. You come off as someone who has never really had to deal with the consequences of their actions and actively avoids it. Because I can tell you if your husband finds out one day that for for the entirety of his children's life and before that his marriage was a lie, things are going to get biblically bad for you. And your child and future children will suffer for it. I recommend what others have said, that you seek therapy. You sound extremely selfish and self-centered. You seem to care more about yourself than anyone else. Hope things work out and you get your happiness as that seems to be your #1 focus. Good luck. Hi JS84, She outsource the “sex” when ever the need comes.. it goes away for sometime, when the urge comes back she repeats !! 1
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