Kuzcotop Posted August 7, 2019 Posted August 7, 2019 Hi..m a 30 yrs old lady married with a good man for 12yrs... so long story short because of his work schedule and work pressure he couldn't give me much time...i felt so lonely days after days....then got in touch with a school friend ( unmarried )who were in love with me in my childhood....after a year of chats and phone conversations we finally met and couldn't control our emotions and end up in bed....this thing continued for few years and i starter feeling like he is not at all a good person with whom I can move out....I started ignoring him and its been a month we r not in touch......in between I found out m pregnant with my hubby....so now m confused that should i tell my school bf about this and how he gonna react ? Will he blackmail me ? I want a peaceful pregnancy so m scared of telling him....plz advice what should I do ??? I know I did wrong thing but i regret it everyday now and want to stay with my husband only.
Ronni_W Posted August 7, 2019 Posted August 7, 2019 There is NO REASON to tell your affair partner that you're pregnant. There is also NO valid REASON to get in touch with your affair partner for any constructive purpose, goal or aim at all. 5
d0nnivain Posted August 7, 2019 Posted August 7, 2019 How do you know the baby belongs to your soon to be EX husband? If there is any chance the baby could be your BFs you need to tell both men. You broke your marital vows. Your husband may not stick around when he learns you have been unfaithful. 5
Author Kuzcotop Posted August 7, 2019 Author Posted August 7, 2019 That makes sense to me as well...but m worried about one thing...After 9 months when he gets to know from people or other friends about the baby.... can he try to take any revengeful act on me ?
d0nnivain Posted August 7, 2019 Posted August 7, 2019 Your AP can do what you fear now, without knowing you are pregnant. Is he a vengeful person? Affairs don't stay secret for long 2
Ronni_W Posted August 7, 2019 Posted August 7, 2019 [...] but m worried about one thing...After 9 months when he gets to know from people or other friends about the baby.... can he try to take any revengeful act on me ? Nobody here, or anywhere else, can help to allay your fears/worries/concerns about what this guy will or will not do in the future. It's a bridge that you'll have to cross IF or IF EVER you get to it. Focus on what you can control, and make your priority a healthy pregnancy and delivery. As for everything else, do your best to "Let go and let God [take care of the rest]," (as they say in AA). Wishing you, Baby, and your husband all of the best.
Author Kuzcotop Posted August 7, 2019 Author Posted August 7, 2019 Thanks so much Ronni for the kind words and the good wishes...m keeping my silence and thats the only way i can live in peace while pregnant.
pepperbird Posted August 7, 2019 Posted August 7, 2019 Is there anyone you can trust, or even a professional therapist, to talk to about this throughout your pregnancy? It might help you feel like you can get some clarity and it will also give you a chance where you can feel safe talking abut your feelings so you can "detress", which is best for your new baby. btw, if you feel there is any chance this baby could be your om's, please consider finding out as soon as you can, even before they are born. I know it may sound odd, but that may save a lot of heartache later, and if you know, you can get out in front of all of this as soon as possible. whatever happens, take good care of yourself and the new little life 2
Amethyst68 Posted August 7, 2019 Posted August 7, 2019 Nevermind telling your AP the person you need to be telling is your husband, the person you've been cheating on for years. This man needs (not to mention deserves) to know for a lot of reasons but 2 main ones are he needs to go for full STI testing as soon as can and he will need to DNA test the child once it's born to confirm he's the father. You've had your fun for the past several years now it's time to be a responsible adult, especially since you're going to be a parent soon. 3
stillafool Posted August 7, 2019 Posted August 7, 2019 If your affair partner does not have children, wants a child or doesn't want a child of his raised by another man, you most certainly do have something to worry about. When he finds out he will confront you and your husband for a paternity test. Your best bet is to get ahead of this by telling your husband what you have been up to behind his back. 3
Author Kuzcotop Posted August 7, 2019 Author Posted August 7, 2019 200% sure its my hubby's and I dont want to ruin this happiness telling him about the affair.....only thing m worried about is if the affair guy gets to know about the baby after 9 months...otherwise i did all d the STD/STI tests and m clear on everything... FYI... me and that Ap are not in any physical relationship from last 2 yrs as we were long distanced.
Beendaredonedat Posted August 7, 2019 Posted August 7, 2019 .I started ignoring him and its been a month we r not in touch.. Has he been trying to get in touch with you and you've just been ignoring him? If so, has he gotten the hint and stopped trying to contact? If he stopped trying to contact then why would you worry that he might try to blackmail you? 2
Ronni_W Posted August 7, 2019 Posted August 7, 2019 .....only thing m worried about is if the affair guy gets to know about the baby after 9 months...Kuzcotop, STOP driving yourself crazy! STOP listening to me and to other people! And, especially, STOP BEING IN ANY KIND OF CONTACT WITH YOUR AFFAIR PARTNER. *IF* you will have to 'answer for your crimes' -- which is by no means a certainty, and don't let anyone else tell you that it is -- then it is going to happen anyway. Until then, STOP taking outer counsel, and just listen to your own Inner/Intuitive Voice. In this world, and in this life, that is the ONLY thing that will not steer you wrong. 1
Marc878 Posted August 7, 2019 Posted August 7, 2019 Until then, STOP taking outer counsel, and just listen to your own Inner/Intuitive Voice. In this world, and in this life, that is the ONLY thing that will not steer you wrong. Sounds like thats what got her where she is now. 1 2
Ronni_W Posted August 7, 2019 Posted August 7, 2019 Sounds like thats what got her where she is now. Yup...but no. Her true Intuitive Voice was not telling her to cheat on her husband. (Our 'Intuitive Voice' is not the only voice that we can hear.)
mark clemson Posted August 7, 2019 Posted August 7, 2019 Just to chime in here - if you've been out of contact with the AP for 2 years, I would not advise telling him you're pregnant. It suggests familiarity with him that you no longer have. Why mention it to him? If you are thinking about telling your husband about the affair, think about the risks to that AND the rewards. For example, if you tell him then the risk that the old AP will tell him one day is taken off the table. Then again, if you tell him and he wants to divorce, you've just put yourself into single parenthood (not a fun place to be from what I hear). If you're thinking about this, consider talking to a family attorney to see what the laws in your area say regarding infidelity and divorce. For example, in many US states there is no or little impact on a divorce settlement from infidelity. In a few, however, there is a major impact. This is something you want to know to inform your decision.
usa1ah Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 If your affair partner wants to get back at you he can claim the baby is his and force a DNA test when the baby is born. It doesn’t matter when the last time the two of you were together, he can claim what ever he wants. 2
Author Kuzcotop Posted August 8, 2019 Author Posted August 8, 2019 First of all..thanx Ronni for being so supportive...i really appreciate that. For others...neither m a in born cheater nor unfaithful....as a pregnant woman m in anxiety.... No...the AP cant claim that the baby is his becoz its been 2 yrs we had sex as we were long distanced....in between we were connected through social media n chats.....from last few months we were fighting a lot and he said some disrespectful words towards my husband that's why I decided to stop talking....i couldn't take the insult for my husband....this month only I found myself prego....now m worried not because he can claim the baby is his ..no way....m worried he can think cheated and try to inform my husband anyway through social media or email....THAT'S ALL...i want to live a good life trashing all my sins.
Buffer Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 Hi Kuz You have no reason to contact the AP as there is no need. He can always claim the child is his even if u say you two haven’t been together as it is your word against his. As for your BH he has the right to know you are a cheater. He will find out sooner or later. The longer you leave it the worst it will be for him and others. You seem very a selfish woman. At no time have you confessed your love for your BH. Never any regrets for your betrayal over the years towards him. A total disrespect for your wedding vows, the sanctity of marriage and your husband as a human being. The reason you gave for the NC was the OM was disrespectful towards Husband, you are just as disrespectful due to having the A as well as the duration. Tell your BH now it will be better coming out now than a few years. The pain will be worse with no chance of recovery if discovered later. Cut all contact with AP as well as all who supported your lustful ways. Show some self respect for the marriage. Take care of yourself and the baby and show some remorse for your husband. Questions How long was the A going How many times did you sleep with OM Did you do more for the AP than your BH Did you do it in your bed at home Did you compare him to your BH sexualy Did he make you more of a woman during your romps between the sheets These are just some of the questions you will by asked by others here, as well as your husband when he finds out. Please tell him and good luck. 4
Turning point Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 Well, that's the conundrum of cheating.. you can never have what you want. You can now be faithful to your husband but, you can never return to a place of safety. You are knowingly haunted by the affair and he is unwittingly in danger of being crushed by it. You no longer have any agency in whether or not your marriage will last. The person who put you in this position is the other man. He could have saved you from this fate by being mature and honorable. He instead appears to be okay with ruining your life for a little side action. So, you can't have this guy because when you really take a good look at him - he's not what you want. Now you want all of this history to go away but, you can't have that either. You have only two options here, and both of them suck. 1
usa1ah Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 First of all..thanx Ronni for being so supportive...i really appreciate that. For others...neither m a in born cheater nor unfaithful....as a pregnant woman m in anxiety.... No...the AP cant claim that the baby is his becoz its been 2 yrs we had sex as we were long distanced....in between we were connected through social media n chats.....from last few months we were fighting a lot and he said some disrespectful words towards my husband that's why I decided to stop talking....i couldn't take the insult for my husband....this month only I found myself prego....now m worried not because he can claim the baby is his ..no way....m worried he can think cheated and try to inform my husband anyway through social media or email....THAT'S ALL...i want to live a good life trashing all my sins. The biggest insult your husband has received is from you cheating on him. Yes the OM can claim the baby is his just to destroy your marriage. 3
aliveagain Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 (edited) You need to be honest with your husband, he needs to know about your infidelity. He needs to get tested for all STD's, you obviously had unprotected sex with the O/M. You took his rights away by choosing to bring another man into your marriage. He should have the right to choose to stay with you or divorce you. You broke your contract with your husband and if he finds out about your affair from someone other then you the chances of reconciliation will be little to none. Stop lying to the man and please stop with the blame shifting. You had an affair because you wanted to and for no other reason. I feel bad for the position you put yourself in but telling him more lies to cover your affair when the O/M is clearly a ticking time bomb is very, very dangerous. Telling your husband about your infidelities won't destroy your marriage, your long term affair choice probably will. Edited August 8, 2019 by aliveagain 1
Author Kuzcotop Posted August 8, 2019 Author Posted August 8, 2019 Well, that's the conundrum of cheating.. you can never have what you want. You can now be faithful to your husband but, you can never return to a place of safety. You are knowingly haunted by the affair and he is unwittingly in danger of being crushed by it. You no longer have any agency in whether or not your marriage will last. The person who put you in this position is the other man. He could have saved you from this fate by being mature and honorable. He instead appears to be okay with ruining your life for a little side action. So, you can't have this guy because when you really take a good look at him - he's not what you want. Now you want all of this history to go away but, you can't have that either. You have only two options here, and both of them suck. Well...Thanks a ton for ur future reading....letting me know i will never get back to safety...such a relieving words for a pregnant woman.....I think i made a big mistake sharing with ur kind of people who can lead things into more negative ... i know m a cheater and u dont hv to keep on telling me again n again...I realized it thats why I leave that guy and fighting with myself to make things better..... I really dont need ur future predictions!! THANK YOU 1
Mr. Lucky Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 this month only I found myself prego....now m worried not because he can claim the baby is his ..no way....m worried he can think cheated and try to inform my husband anyway through social media or email.... Of all the things that might provoke your affair partner to contact your husband, pregnancy is probably far down the list. You should focus on a nurturing pregnancy and delivering a healthy baby. That's the only part of this whole situation under your control... Mr. Lucky 2
Turning point Posted August 8, 2019 Posted August 8, 2019 Well...Thanks a ton for ur future reading.... It not the future - it's right now. That's why people here urge you to come clean with you husband today if you want to have any kind of safe future with him. You're better off knowing today what the future holds for you, rather than having this intrude unexpectedly into your life later amidst yet unforeseen challenges. You won't have a reliable support system in your marriage if it is constantly teetering on the possibility of discovery. You could end up losing your spouse right at the time you need them most. Better to know now if infidelity is a deal breaker for your marriage, and if not build a NEW relationship with your husband that can last the rest of your life. "Your first marriage is over. Would you like to build a second marriage with the same person?" -Esther Perrel[/Quote]
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