Boyfriend is different around me

[acomic]

We've been dating for almost 6 months, and before we were close friends for 8 years. So I figured I knew him pretty well. Overall, we make an amazing couple - same interests, same hobbies, great chemistry, everything just fits. We're two pods in a pea. But I've been feeling more and more uneasy around him, because when he's with me, he's a different person than when he's around anyone else. It's hard to explain. I've talked to him about this and he actually agrees, but to him it's not a big deal. He thinks it's normal. I'm worried though, because I cannot imagine this is normal.

 

I've always known him to be a very "good-hearted" person. Very kind, patient, loyal, thoughtful, honest, funny without ever being mean. This is part of what made him so attractive to me. He was always very supportive, encouraging and empathetic too.

 

But since we've been dating, I've been getting to see a side of him that I don't like very much. Don't get me wrong, he has not done a 180 and turned into a total jack*ss, but he is different. Much more ego-centric and sometimes downright mean, especially when he jokes around. I have a hard time coping with this, as his jokes frequently involve me and I'm not a very confident person. I'm easily flustered and a bit shy, and when someone makes a joke at my expense I want the ground to swallow me up. Last night for example, I reached up to pull him in for a kiss and he held onto my hands and started laughing. He then said "you always reach up like this, so cute", and I got a bit hesitant because he made no move to kiss me and we just stood awkwardly in the kitchen. He then commented on THAT - "yeah, and now you don't know what to do, that's so very you" and he didn't stop with that for the whole evening. It sounds cute at first but it really wasn't because his scrutiny of my every moves made me super uncomfortable and self-conscious, and he didn't stop when I asked him to. Later he apologized but he didn't get why I'd be upset at all.

 

I loooove exaggerations, and he got into the habit of saying "I only believe half of what you say on principle" whenever I have to estimate/guess something. He thinks it's cute, I could do without this especially when we're talking about something serious and he'll crack up. Like sure, if I say "the bananas at the store were easily 3 feet long" make fun of me all you want, but if I say "my neighbour was assaulted by 3 masked men" he'll go "It was just 1.5 persons for sure, you love to exaggerate!" and I honestly don't know how to respond to that.

 

He says he really loves to push my buttons. But, he has never behaved this way when we weren't dating. It's not something that happens like once a week, he's kind of rude to me at least 15 times a day. Somedays continously, until I snap at him to stop and listen to how he's talking to me. Then he'll apologize and agree he was out of line. But he'll do it again without a thought at the next "chance".

 

I don't know what to make of this. I don't want to be with someone who's such a jerk but he's not really a jerk, I think, because he seriously only does this with me. His explanation is that he feels free to be himself around me.

 

So, I guess my question is am I being too sensitive here? Is it really "normal" for someone who's generally a very nice person to be different around their girlfriend? My previous relationships weren't like this at all.

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't know what to make of this. I don't want to be with someone who's such a jerk but he's not really a jerk, I think, because he seriously only does this with me. His explanation is that he feels free to be himself around me.

 

So, I guess my question is am I being too sensitive here? Is it really "normal" for someone who's generally a very nice person to be different around their girlfriend? My previous relationships weren't like this at all.

 

I'll exaggerate a bit: being a good friend and being a good romantic partner have nothing to do with each other.

 

A romance requires a hugely different set of social skills and feelings and concern for the other person--far more ... than a "friendship."

 

OMG, when I was younger, I could be a fantastic friend ... because friendship was at a distance ... and I didn't have to let the friend into my deep space and my emotions ... When I felt tired, I could disappear on a friend and that was OK (sorta). And I made less demands on friends. I didn't scrutinize friends like I did lovers. But dating someone ... Oh Lord, I was terrible at it.

 

Romance demands that we allow someone really close to us and to innermost thoughts and feelings ... We have to be more consistent in terms of time and attention and feelings ... OMG, totally different than friendship. Romance requires affection for someone, joy at spending time with them, looking at them, being around them ... that is all very different from the joy of a friendship.

 

Your BF is indeed being a jerk--and he's not the first person that revealed himself (or herself) as a romantic jerk once things moved from friendship.

Please do not excuse that by inventing excuses like you have unreasonable expectations. No, he's being a jerk. You feel it. You don't like it.

 

So time to discuss it and act on this. Basically you need to tell him that you liked him and admired him as a friend, but that as a boyfriend, the relationship isn't working ... or be blunt. You do NOT like him as a boyfriend. This may be a relief to him ... as likely he's feeling overwhelmed by romance and quite confused ...

[preraph]

These "only joking" people are not good people. I've known a couple. What they say came out of their brains, no matter how they like to wave it off as "only joking" and try to make YOU seem like the inferior stupid sensitive one. That's gaslighting.

 

Your bf enjoys humiliating you. That's not good. And he knows it's humiliating you and he thinks you're cute when humiliated. That's abusive. He doesn't do it to others because he's not dating others. He's dating and abusing YOU.

 

Look up gaslighting and read about ways to counter if someone is being a butt and then trying to make you look like it's all your own fault.

 

Beyond that, if you think he's worth staying with, then follow the basic rule, which is: Don't reward bad behavior. When he's being a butt, don't try to kiss him, FFS! If he is a butt when you do try to kiss him, then walk away and don't give him any attention. If he's been humiliating you, remove your attention from him. Show him consequences. Don't be available for sex after a day of him degrading you.

 

You reward good behavior, but on this guy, good luck finding a time to do that . Because anything you do, he's just going to take it as an opportunity to put you down and make you feel bad. That's him, not you. So don't start thinking you're inferior because you can't TAKE it. This is how bad men will beat you down. Don't let him do that. Get out if this isn't working. Make him go to counseling if you want to and get all this out in the open.

[acomic]

Romance demands that we allow someone really close to us and to innermost thoughts and feelings ... We have to be more consistent in terms of time and attention and feelings ... OMG, totally different than friendship. Romance requires affection for someone, joy at spending time with them, looking at them, being around them ... that is all very different from the joy of a friendship.

 

Your BF is indeed being a jerk--and he's not the first person that revealed himself (or herself) as a romantic jerk once things moved from friendship.

Please do not excuse that by inventing excuses like you have unreasonable expectations. No, he's being a jerk. You feel it. You don't like it.

 

It's quite odd. I know you're completely right there - good friends don't make good romantic partners by default - but he's been in long-term relationships before and treated his girfriends much different. I just can't wrap my head around it.

 

I am by now almost convinced he has some sort of disordered thinking issue going on - ADD, bipolar, along those lines. But there's no way I'd get him to see a specialist. The thing is, I don't think he even realizes that his behaviour is out of line. There are many more issues I haven't mentioned here, and each time, he is truly sorry for having hurt or upset me, but he does not understand how his behaviour made that happen or why I'd think he's being rude/a jerk/mean/inconsiderate/selfish.

 

For example, he sometimes talks nonstop for literal hours about a subject that I do not understand. It's a bit like he uses me as a sounding board, which is fine because I love listening to him, but sometimes it's just too much and mentally exhausting. It's really hard to get him to calm down then. One night, he actually wouldn't let me leave the room until he'd finished a story, so I fell asleep on the kitchen table. And he kept waking me up because he was annoyed I wasn't listening. When I plainly pointed out that he'd been talking for 3 hours about this subject and I just wanted to go to sleep, he went "oh I did. I'm really sorry. Of course, you're tired, please go to bed, I'm a jerk, you're a saint girl, thank you for putting up with me" - and when I went to bed, he followed me instead of shutting up. "but I still gotta finish this story, so sorry, I know I'm being an *ss right now but I can't help it" and he did indeed keep talking while I snored away.

 

I can't even be mad at him. He's an idiot but I like him.

[acomic]

Beyond that, if you think he's worth staying with, then follow the basic rule, which is: Don't reward bad behavior. When he's being a butt, don't try to kiss him, FFS! If he is a butt when you do try to kiss him, then walk away and don't give him any attention. If he's been humiliating you, remove your attention from him. Show him consequences. Don't be available for sex after a day of him degrading you.

 

You reward good behavior, but on this guy, good luck finding a time to do that . Because anything you do, he's just going to take it as an opportunity to put you down and make you feel bad. That's him, not you. So don't start thinking you're inferior because you can't TAKE it. This is how bad men will beat you down. Don't let him do that. Get out if this isn't working. Make him go to counseling if you want to and get all this out in the open.

 

This approach might actually work ...

 

To be fair: he doesn't ever tell me I'm being too sensitive or crazy or any other blame-shifting stuff.

 

I don't think I'm being gaslit. Wouldn't that have to be intentional? Going by our conversations and how actually sorry he is when I plainly tell him he's being a jerk, I strongly feel as if he truly does not understand how his behaviour upsets me. He's almost like a child.

 

However, even if it's not intentional it's still hurtful and he's still responsible for his words and actions.

 

Wanting to push my buttons is pretty intentional though. Would you recommend the same approach - not rewarding bad behaviour - when he's trying to get a rise out of me for whatever ungodly reason? Do I just not respond? Wouldn't that "push" him more?

[amaysngrace]

He sounds selfish for making his needs more important than your own.

 

It’s great you like him but you should learn how to like yourself more rather than being okay with mistreatment from him. Sleep deprivation ranks pretty high on the torture scale.

 

Just sayin.

[basil67]

I loooove exaggerations, ......"It was just 1.5 persons for sure, you love to exaggerate!" and I honestly don't know how to respond to that.

 

Other issues aside, this is a great response to someone who exaggerates all the time. (see what I did there!) If you can't laugh at your own tendancy to exaggerate, then you don't have much humour.

[acomic]

He sounds selfish for making his needs more important than your own.

 

It’s great you like him but you should learn how to like yourself more rather than being okay with mistreatment from him. Sleep deprivation ranks pretty high on the torture scale.

 

Just sayin.

 

 

Thank you. It does feel a bit like torture on some nights. I guess I do have to learn how to be more assertive.

[amaysngrace]

I think you should also pay more attention to his actions rather than his words. He can apologize all he’d like for treating you badly but talk is cheap. And the easy way out.

[preraph]

Well, I don't know much about those disorders but others on this board do. I hate that thing about "And you still don't know what to do." What the heck was that? He's the one who doesn't know what to do.

 

Well, not rewarding bad behavior works on everything from puppies to people. Of course, if he does something stellar that goes above and beyond what a normal person has a right to expect from a partner, praise that. But then if he puts you down about it, withdraw attention and just leave the room or go under your earbuds or turn on the tv and tune him out.

 

That thing about him rambling on and on and not letting you leave the room, man, I have an ex-boyfriend decades ago who was a talker and you couldn't hardly leave the room without feeling like it was wrong, and he didn't take the hints, you know. So all you can do is just say, Excuse me, I'm going to bed. You'll have to finish your story tomorrow.

 

Are these stories real stories or are they more like rants? Do they make any sense? I ask because ranting can be a sign of mental illness.

 

But listen, he does need to see a psychologist and be assessed if you think he might have some disorder. It might be that you have to issue an ultimatum one day. Although if you can get him to go to counseling with you as a couple, it's a start anyway.

 

So try the not rewarding unpleasant/unwanted behavior. Always leave the room whether he wants you to or not. Stand up for yourself that way. I know it's kind of hard, been there. Don't let him just disrupt your schedule. If you have to, sometime when you're both calm and happy, talk to him about working out a key word or hand sign for when he needs to stop talking or ranting. Maybe a two-minute warning for him to wrap it up, after which you leave the room.

 

Maybe he does have trouble reading your body language, but he can surely tell when you're falling asleep on the table. He needs to be assessed.

 

Start with not rewarding him and not putting up with his "jokes" and see where that takes you. Stand up for yourself. Don't sweep it under the rug. Say, We need to talk about something. If he's as sorry as you say he is, he'll listen.

 

If he calls you out for not rewarding him with attention when he's being a butt, say, "I'm not going to just stand there and let you make me feel bad anymore." Or "I don't feel very affectionate after being put down all day and am going to sleep."

 

Let us know how he reacts when you change your behavior toward him this way. He may be oblivious.

 

 

 

This approach might actually work ...

 

To be fair: he doesn't ever tell me I'm being too sensitive or crazy or any other blame-shifting stuff.

 

I don't think I'm being gaslit. Wouldn't that have to be intentional? Going by our conversations and how actually sorry he is when I plainly tell him he's being a jerk, I strongly feel as if he truly does not understand how his behaviour upsets me. He's almost like a child.

 

However, even if it's not intentional it's still hurtful and he's still responsible for his words and actions.

 

Wanting to push my buttons is pretty intentional though. Would you recommend the same approach - not rewarding bad behaviour - when he's trying to get a rise out of me for whatever ungodly reason? Do I just not respond? Wouldn't that "push" him more?

[lana-banana]

These are red flags for me. He was fine when you first started dating and is polite to other people, but now he's subtly cutting you down and making you feel guilty, embarrassed, and self-conscious on a daily basis. He doesn't respond to your most basic requests and continues to behave badly even when you ask him to stop. Is this really someone you want to be with? "He won't listen to me and he makes me feel bad" are already disqualifying for a long-term partner.

[TheFinalWord]

I probably have a different opinion.

 

I think he is just being funny/joking around with you, but you are a bit too sensitive. I mean, he said you go in for a kiss and that is him being selfish? I'm not seeing it. Plus, you have so many things in common and everything is great. A lot of times I feel women just can't accept when they have a good thing and are determined to find something wrong.

 

I do agree that while people always say you should be friends first, to me there is a big difference between platonic friendship and romantic friendship. That's why guys are always plotting to not get stuck in the friend zone

[preraph]

He's putting her down and kind of humiliating her 15 times a day, though. And it's not humorous or clever, just kind of rude.

[amaysngrace]

you go in for a kiss and that is him being selfish?

 

Yes. He’s denying her of her need for affection and instead counters it by making fun of her.

 

So he’s not only selfish but mean as well.

[acomic]

I hate that thing about "And you still don't know what to do." What the heck was that? He's the one who doesn't know what to do.

 

This rings true. I've gotten the impression lately that he's a lot more insecure than he seems. But then again, he wasn't like this with his ex-girlfriends (I know them personally), or anyone else. So I wonder what's different about me.

 

I felt criticized like whoa at that moment, even though he was amused and just teasing me gently. Thanks for thinking it's weird too. Wasn't sure if I just made it weird. This happens a lot. I feel like he loves to shine a spotlight on me for some weird reason, whenever I feel especially insecure.

 

Well, not rewarding bad behavior works on everything from puppies to people. Of course, if he does something stellar that goes above and beyond what a normal person has a right to expect from a partner, praise that. But then if he puts you down about it, withdraw attention and just leave the room or go under your earbuds or turn on the tv and tune him out.

 

That thing about him rambling on and on and not letting you leave the room, man, I have an ex-boyfriend decades ago who was a talker and you couldn't hardly leave the room without feeling like it was wrong, and he didn't take the hints, you know. So all you can do is just say, Excuse me, I'm going to bed. You'll have to finish your story tomorrow.

 

Yup, I feel for you ...

He just cannot take a hint. He'll notice and then promptly ignore that he noticed and keep going. When I call him out on it, he'll apologize - and keep going on anyways, 90% of the time. Sometimes I can't even turn around because he'll get offended. He'll like physically (non-threatening!) turn me around or tug on my sleeve until I face him again because he wants to talk to my face, which interferes with a lot of day-to-day stuff like cooking, doing the dishes, vacuuming or just reading an e-mail. It sometimes takes us 4 hours to finish cooking dinner because he keeps distracting me/demands attention.

 

Are these stories real stories or are they more like rants? Do they make any sense? I ask because ranting can be a sign of mental illness.

 

A mix of both, really. He usually starts out fairly normal; telling me about his day, special things that happened and so on, like an update style conversation where we're both engaged in the dialogue. From there, he branches out a bit by expanding on certain parts and explaining context, which is still fine and entertaining if not necessary. But then, he goes off into details and starts to ramble, and then he starts to jump subjects like there's no tomorrow and frequently loses his train of thought, which makes it super hard to follow or even engage in the conversation. At that point, he gets slightly irritated by my obvious confusion, which tends to make me defensive as I feel a little bit insulted. He also uses sarcasm and irony liberally and I literally can't tell if he's being serious about something or not when he's talking a mile a minute because there's no tell. Overall, the stuff he talks about does make sense though. I'm just too overwhelmed to catch up. As, actually feeling dizzy from how much he talks and the subjects he talks about. On any given day, he'll cover anything from ancient Egypt to current politics and his science teacher in 7th grade. Dash in a good amount of psychoanalysis, nihilism and "why is this scratch on my chair shaped this particular way" and you got a pretty clear picture of him, LOL. He's actually quite amazing. Just a bit exhausting.

 

 

Start with not rewarding him and not putting up with his "jokes" and see where that takes you. Stand up for yourself. Don't sweep it under the rug. Say, We need to talk about something. If he's as sorry as you say he is, he'll listen.

 

If he calls you out for not rewarding him with attention when he's being a butt, say, "I'm not going to just stand there and let you make me feel bad anymore." Or "I don't feel very affectionate after being put down all day and am going to sleep."

 

Let us know how he reacts when you change your behavior toward him this way. He may be oblivious.

I will. Thank you so much for talking this through with me. Edited August 7, 2019 by acomic

[preraph]

Oh, he sounds exhausting.

 

I think through familiarity, he has lost some of his boundaries with you. Like some of how he is, like thinking it's okay to physically turn you around and demanding attention is kind of toddler behavior with their mom. You've known each other forever. He may kind of think of you as a motherly figure who must indulge him. Then other parts of his behavior, the stopping you from kissing and making fun, that is almost like being treated and teased as a sister. He may have descended into "familial" territory where he thinks anything goes to get his needs met.

 

He may think part of it is okay with you if you haven't stood up about it before. So it's definitely time to be vocal and repetitive about setting boundaries when he's holding you hostage!

 

Keep us posted. Wishing you luck and strength.

[acomic]

Oh, he sounds exhausting.

 

I think through familiarity, he has lost some of his boundaries with you. Like some of how he is, like thinking it's okay to physically turn you around and demanding attention is kind of toddler behavior with their mom. You've known each other forever. He may kind of think of you as a motherly figure who must indulge him. Then other parts of his behavior, the stopping you from kissing and making fun, that is almost like being treated and teased as a sister. He may have descended into "familial" territory where he thinks anything goes to get his needs met.

 

He may think part of it is okay with you if you haven't stood up about it before. So it's definitely time to be vocal and repetitive about setting boundaries when he's holding you hostage!

 

Keep us posted. Wishing you luck and strength.

 

 

Wow, makes perfect sense actually. He has mentioned several times that I'm like family to him and that I remind him of his sisters a lot. I'm an only child though, so I don't really understand what it's like.

 

 

 

Thank you!

[preraph]

Oh, well, yes, being an only child, you missed out on all that negative attention you get from your siblings!! Count yourself lucky. But yeah, siblings PESTER each other and see what they can get away with.

 

So this could be a problem because once things become familial, romantic attraction can rapidly go south. Now, it hasn't gone south for you, sounds like, and guys have a wider tolerance for who they would have sex with (such as don't care if the woman is mad at them, for instance), so maybe it will be alright.

 

But don't become his nanny and let him think you have to put up with any and all behavior.

 

As they say, the plot thickens.....

[Gretchen12]

I guess you are not right for each other. In the example you gave about what happened when you reached for a kiss, I did not see it as a problem. Except that you had such a negative reaction, so that makes it a problem, a compatibility issue.

[Maggiemay1]

It seems to me that you take things way too seriously.

 

When you went to kiss him and he held your hands and come asked a joke. You got upset and stood awkwardly in the kitchen next to him.

 

A more appropriate reaction would be to gently poke him in the stomach, when he leans over , kiss him quickly on the forehead, say “gotcha” and run away. Lol

 

I think he tries to play with you and you become moody and this encourages him more.

 

Perhaps you made for good friends but incompatible as lovers?

[acomic]

I can see why the "kiss example" would be considered funny/cute, but for me, it wasn't at all - as it wasn't an isolated incident and when he jokes like this, it rarely ends with me feeling good about myself. He doesn't stop when you'd expect him to, and at some point it stops being funny. He starts out nicely teasing me and it goes downhill from there until I'm almost crying. You'd expect someone to stop teasing you when they make you cry, wouldn't you?

 

I don't get upset when he jokes with me, I get upset when I can't tell if he's joking or not and he won't take a cue. He will keep being amused even when I cry, and go "I'm a jerk I know I should stop but haha, you should see your face, sorry I can't stop laughing this is too funny". He gets super insensitive.

 

After the kiss thingy, he kept at it for hours. He commented on how I walk, how I hold the spoon, how I swallow the soup and stuff and when I told him it was enough, he doubled down and started mimicking me and echoing everything I said, laughing the whole time. I get very self-conscious and he knows it, so him rubbing it in my face like this hurts, especially if he completely ignores me when I tell him to stop.

 

The whole thing was absolutely funny to him and he meant no harm at all. I know this now. But he still should have stopped it.

 

 

And, by the way - we're not teenagers anymore. I'm 30, he's 40. We've known each other for almost a decade and he was never like this before. I love how playful he is with me, don't get me wrong, and he makes me laugh all the time. But his behaviour was always very "nice", as in, his jokes were good-natured and not mean at all. That has changed.

Edited August 7, 2019 by acomic

[Redhead14]

Sometimes a couple just realizes that they are better friends than lovers. This may be one of those cases. Tell him you want to go back to being friends.

 

There is an adage that fits here too: "Familiarity breeds contempt".

[Hopeful30]

he's been in long-term relationships before and treated his girfriends much different.

 

Therefore you are not 'up to par' with his previous longterm girlfriends and he has no reason to treat you like you are.

[smackie9]

Address this behavior when it happens....and snuff it out....make a direct point that he is being rude and making you upset. If he goes off saying things you are just being sensitive, you say NO! stop talking to you like that, it's rude to anyone. You are not liking this "sense of humor/teasing".

[elaine567]

He usually starts out fairly normal; telling me about his day, special things that happened and so on, like an update style conversation where we're both engaged in the dialogue. From there, he branches out a bit by expanding on certain parts and explaining context, which is still fine and entertaining if not necessary. But then, he goes off into details and starts to ramble, and then he starts to jump subjects like there's no tomorrow and frequently loses his train of thought, which makes it super hard to follow or even engage in the conversation. At that point, he gets slightly irritated by my obvious confusion, which tends to make me defensive as I feel a little bit insulted. He also uses sarcasm and irony liberally and I literally can't tell if he's being serious about something or not when he's talking a mile a minute because there's no tell. Overall, the stuff he talks about does make sense though. I'm just too overwhelmed to catch up. As, actually feeling dizzy from how much he talks and the subjects he talks about. On any given day, he'll cover anything from ancient Egypt to current politics and his science teacher in 7th grade. Dash in a good amount of psychoanalysis, nihilism and "why is this scratch on my chair shaped this particular way" and you got a pretty clear picture of him, LOL. He's actually quite amazing. Just a bit exhausting.

This is abnormal and I guess hypomania/mania due most likely to bipolar.

As all these weird behaviours are new for him, he needs checked over asap.