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Neglected her, she eventually left. I can't make up it up to her. immense guilt

dawson3000

By dawson3000
in Coping

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dawson3000 New Member

dawson3000

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Long story short:

 

She adored me, I her. She was quite needy and wanted to be together all the time. I guess I wasn't ready for that and couldn't handle.

 

Also times we were together I know sometimes I could have been better towards to, or dealt with issues in a different more grown up way. I let issues with work and other stresses impact on our time together, I couldn’t switch off.

 

In my defence it was my first serious relationship. I was very supportive of her and built up her confidence etc. I never hit or or cheated etc.

 

3 years in and she decided enough. I'd let her down too many times. And all of a sudden it all clicked, I got it, and realised what i had and wanted and needed to be.

 

Now my chances are gone, she's moving onto seemingly better times.

 

I'm filled constantly with regrets and guilt. Sometimes from specific moments year ago that I know I wasn't great, sometimes just the general way I wasn't always around her in person when she needed it. It breaks my heart thinking of her back then. She's a lot stronger now.

 

But I can't get over my guilt. It eats at me. I am so desperate to make it up to her, but it will never happen. So I am left alone with the guilt.

 

Anyone have any advice?

 

Thanks

mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

Posted
Posted

Is it guilt or limerence (research this term, e.g. on wikipedia). I ask because you indicate that you think of her constantly.

 

IF it's limerence, you can't turn it off, really you must wait it out. There are things you can do to help while you wait, but before elaborating on that, suggest you try to determine if that's what it is.

 

No specific suggestions for guilt, except that you forgive yourself - honestly what you did doesn't sound that bad, to me at least. You weren't ready to give what she wanted + she might have insecure attachment or some other issues that make her clingy/needy.

rjc149 Established Member

rjc149

Posted
Posted

Pretty vague...

 

Long story short:

 

I'd let her down too many times.

 

Now my chances are gone, she's moving onto seemingly better times.

 

Sometimes from specific moments year ago that I know I wasn't great, sometimes just the general way I wasn't always around her in person when she needed it.

 

What exactly did you do?

 

How did you break up? Did she leave you for another guy? Did you end amicably or acrimoniously?

 

Feeling regret at making relationship mistakes and longing for a loved one is different from feeling guilt at wrong-doing.

 

Can you elaborate more?

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dawson3000 New Member

dawson3000

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Is it guilt or limerence (research this term, e.g. on wikipedia). I ask because you indicate that you think of her constantly.

 

IF it's limerence, you can't turn it off, really you must wait it out. There are things you can do to help while you wait, but before elaborating on that, suggest you try to determine if that's what it is.

 

No specific suggestions for guilt, except that you forgive yourself - honestly what you did doesn't sound that bad, to me at least. You weren't ready to give what she wanted + she might have insecure attachment or some other issues that make her clingy/needy.

 

 

To be honest yes it is both. Major limmerance. But guilt added to it. Which turns to regret in that if I'd have done xxx and worked it all out sooner I'd still be with her.

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dawson3000 New Member

dawson3000

Posted
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Posted
Pretty vague...

 

 

 

What exactly did you do?

 

How did you break up? Did she leave you for another guy? Did you end amicably or acrimoniously?

 

Feeling regret at making relationship mistakes and longing for a loved one is different from feeling guilt at wrong-doing.

 

Can you elaborate more?

 

 

 

 

It's hard to say exactly. Nothing specific. Guess I gave her the silent treatment or act miserable often etc when I wasn't happy with something (either that she did or something work related etc) rather than confront it as I didn't want to upset her. Which obviously upset her anyway but she didn't show it. Sometimes it was to things that I knew she had put her heart and soul into planning etc.

 

 

 

She was like an innocent vulnerable dreamer. She put her soul into me and I just didn't appreciate it.

 

 

 

There were times when i just wanted my own space so even though she wanted to be with me I would rather be alone.

 

 

Just kind of dropped the romance and passion.

 

 

I know these sound silly but I know looking back it just wasn't the actions of a good bf. I know I could have done so much better by her with just a few slight changes.

 

 

 

Eventually she broke up with me. We'd had several conversations and I just didn't change. We are still friends now. I kind of try now to make up by being there when she needs me. But I know it's not gonna go back and undo the hurt I did to that sweet girl she was.

rjc149 Established Member

rjc149

Posted
Posted

Limerence after 3 years? Limerence in the scientific term for honeymoon phase, around 3 months in.

 

Sounds like she has an anxious attachment style, paired with your avoidant attachment style. Unless there is clear and open communication, and both partners are working to fill the void, her neediness will drive you away, which will in turn trigger her anxiety even more.

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rjc149 Established Member

rjc149

Posted
Posted (edited)

Eventually she broke up with me. We'd had several conversations and I just didn't change. We are still friends now. I kind of try now to make up by being there when she needs me. But I know it's not gonna go back and undo the hurt I did to that sweet girl she was.

 

Sounds like you have a good shot of getting her back. Don't be her friend, though. Make your intent and terms clear: "I want to give us another chance, and I will make the effort in XYZ ways. If you don't want to give it a shot, I understand, let me know if you change your mind."

 

Then give her some space, 1-2 months. I wouldn't start dating other people either, if you want this girl back. She may, however, start dating a new person who will soothe her anxiety by giving her the attention and affection she lacked in your relationship. Be prepared for that. And be willing to walk away forever, no matter what.

 

And don't beat yourself up dude. You learned a valuable lesson and will be a better man because of it.

Edited by rjc149
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dawson3000 New Member

dawson3000

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Sounds like you have a good shot of getting her back. Don't be her friend, though. Make your intent and terms clear: "I want to give us another chance, and I will make the effort in XYZ ways. If you don't want to give it a shot, I understand, let me know if you change your mind."

 

Then give her some space, 1-2 months. I wouldn't start dating other people either, if you want this girl back. She may, however, start dating a new person who will soothe her anxiety by giving her the attention and affection she lacked in your relationship. Be prepared for that. And be willing to walk away forever, no matter what.

 

And don't beat yourself up dude. You learned a valuable lesson and will be a better man because of it.

 

 

 

 

Ah it's too late I think.. I did tell her all that, I would change etc.. It's been 6 months+ since the split and pretty much been well and truely put in the friend zone now.

rjc149 Established Member

rjc149

Posted
Posted

Well in that case, if you've been in the friend zone for 6 months, you need to go no contact and move on.

 

No contact means you do not, for any reason, reach out to her for the rest of your natural life.

 

If she reaches out to you, then respond. But don't hit her up until you've met up again and reconciled as a couple.

 

But it's 6 months since, you should be meeting new girls.

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Well, you can't take all the blame here. Needy people stress nearly everyone out. Neediness is a character flaw and sometimes insecurity. She may or may not find someone who can take her neediness.

 

That said, you're right, it doesn't make her a monster. But she can't expect you to be the one to making the ONLY compromises in the relationship and bending to suit her. I have no way of knowing how imbalanced it was, though. But you being a person who needs some space is more or less normal and healthy. So don't feel bad about that.

Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

Posted
Posted

You may have regrets but it seems like incompatibility. Everyone gets this nostalgic moments but they are fleeting.

 

Stop the friends thing. It's you're only way out.

mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

Posted
Posted
Limerence after 3 years? Limerence in the scientific term for honeymoon phase, around 3 months in.

 

Sounds like she has an anxious attachment style, paired with your avoidant attachment style. Unless there is clear and open communication, and both partners are working to fill the void, her neediness will drive you away, which will in turn trigger her anxiety even more.

 

 

I like your second point and agree that sounds right.

 

I think limerence is a bit more than that - many people have (perfectly grand) NRE in the honeymoon phase without the obsessive thoughts and extreme yearnings of true limerence.

 

OP, suggestions to help (somewhat) with the limerence aspect:

 

- Time with friends (boosts dopamine)

- Time in nature (boosts serotonin)

- Exercise (boosts endogenous opiates)

- Distractions (e.g. good books, good TV shows, volunteering, hobbies)

 

Suggest you also consider looking for a new GF as it appears your R with this lady has run its course. C'est la vie...

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