Watercolors Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 I also like punctuality. But you got irritated and was about to leave because she was 5 minutes late. That says it all there. I think normally being 5 minutes late is not that huge whether it's dating, family gathering or doctor's appointment. (Although one Germany dude I dated gave me a lecture for being 1 minute late, but didn't dump me.) I'm not saying you were unreasonable I think the relationship has deteriorated to the point where that 5 minutes meant to you that she does not care or value you. You feel taken for granted. It's not just 5 minutes. It's 5 minutes of insult. You've had it. Then of course she felt your displeasure, and she has stress herself. So the nervous energy between you two just fed off of each other. This is clearly incompatibility. And the trust is gone. So there was nothing else to do but end it. Gretchen, did you forget the fact that the OP drove an hour to this woman's city, then spent another hour or so grocery shopping and he even checked in with this woman ahead of time to make sure she'd be at her house when he was done grocery shopping. She was not there when he arrived. Total disrespect of the OP's time. How can you not see that? Wow. You're totally dismissing ALL the commute time and other time the OP put into that one date, that this woman invalidated by being late...yet again. If anyone's being unreasonable, it was this woman the OP put up with. Not the OP.
Highndry Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 ...Then of course she felt your displeasure, and she has stress herself. So the nervous energy between you two just fed off of each other. This is clearly incompatibility. And the trust is gone. So there was nothing else to do but end it. In the end, this was two people constantly bickering at the beginning of a relationship. This was not a match at all.
Gretchen12 Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 Gretchen, did you forget the fact that the OP drove an hour to this woman's city, then spent another hour or so grocery shopping and he even checked in with this woman ahead of time to make sure she'd be at her house when he was done grocery shopping. She was not there when he arrived. Total disrespect of the OP's time. How can you not see that? Wow. You're totally dismissing ALL the commute time and other time the OP put into that one date, that this woman invalidated by being late...yet again. If anyone's being unreasonable, it was this woman the OP put up with. Not the OP. You quoted my post but it seems you did not read it :-( 1
Watercolors Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 You quoted my post but it seems you did not read it :-( I did read it. I didn't agree with all of it. I do agree with you that the OP and this woman are incompatible though. The OP needs to be with a woman who respects his time and who doesn't make up flimsy excuses as to why she can't spend time with him. OP, maybe try to find a woman who lives in your city to date next time so you won't have to deal with the stress of the commute time. My friend did that for a year with her boyfriend and eventually had to move in with him, because he wouldn't move to her city. She luckily had a job in his city so her commute to his city was also for her work.
Author OatsAndHall Posted August 26, 2019 Author Posted August 26, 2019 I also like punctuality. But you got irritated and was about to leave because she was 5 minutes late. That says it all there. I think normally being 5 minutes late is not that huge whether it's dating, family gathering or doctor's appointment. (Although one Germany dude I dated gave me a lecture for being 1 minute late, but didn't dump me.) I'm not saying you were unreasonable I think the relationship has deteriorated to the point where that 5 minutes meant to you that she does not care or value you. You feel taken for granted. It's not just 5 minutes. It's 5 minutes of insult. You've had it. Then of course she felt your displeasure, and she has stress herself. So the nervous energy between you two just fed off of each other. This is clearly incompatibility. And the trust is gone. So there was nothing else to do but end it. She didn't see me pull away; I drove past her place, didn't see her car there and I didn't want to sit in front of her house (nosy neighbors) so I did a few laps around the block. I pulled up just as she pulled in and didn't make a big deal of her being late. And, as @Wanderlust pointed out, I was irritated because a) I called her while I was leaving town to nail down some ingredients for dinner and b) I let her know when I was in town and grocery shopping. So, on top of the time being set, she also had an hour and a half worth of warning before I showed up, at the agreed upon time. All and all, it's done and another lesson learned. I do miss her some days as we had some good times together and we certainly clicked on an intellectual level. But, regardless of all of that, I should have bailed the first time she was flaky when it came to keeping to a schedule.
spiderowl Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 (edited) OP, I'm in a similar situation with a guy. He wakes very early in the morning (suffers from insomnia) and needs to sleep around 9pm. He tends not to eat late because of this and avoids tea and coffee. I, on the other hand, am a night owl. I have a tendency to get up late (when I have no commitments) and stay awake late. The thought of having to end my day before 8pm or he would be tired, is impracticable to me. The guy I have been seeing, on and off, seems to want it to work. I don't know how it can! There is also a lack of caring, I feel, and a lack of romance, but regardless, even if there was romance and caring, I could not adjust to his schedule and he would not be able to adjust to mine. I don't see him very often. It's a shame because we enjoy each other's company. His strict schedule comes with other restrictions though, like a vegan organic diet. Again, I feel constrained by that as he would not be comfortable with me eating otherwise when with him. It is strange how some things can seem controlling when they are not intended that way, they are habits and routines. The guy I was seeing thinks we can talk about things and compromise, yet as I see it, I would have to be the one compromising. Sometimes it is better to just accept incompatibility rather than trying to fix it. Edited August 26, 2019 by spiderowl
Gretchen12 Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 All and all, it's done and another lesson learned. I do miss her some days as we had some good times together and we certainly clicked on an intellectual level. But, regardless of all of that, I should have bailed the first time she was flaky when it came to keeping to a schedule. Yes of course I know why you were upset that she wasn't home. I would be too. Anyway, you tried and you tolerated in the beginning but the thing has run its course. Not sure what the lesson is. I don't agree with bailing the first time someone flakes. How about 3 flakes you're out?
dramallama Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 When someone puts you in their "option" category immediately, call it off. Don't chase the person. Don't make excuses for them. Don't put yourself and your needs second to theirs. Don't make someone a priority, who only makes you an option. I like this, on this topic: https://markmanson.net/****-yes
elaine567 Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 The problem here is of two people "set in their ways" attempting to date. Both I guess trying to manage their own stress levels by organising their lives in the way they find suits them. Oats finds solace in order, this woman finds solace in not putting herself under pressure by avoiding restraints and deadlines. Neither seemed willing to tolerate the other, so inevitably it ended. 1
Watercolors Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 The problem here is of two people "set in their ways" attempting to date. Both I guess trying to manage their own stress levels by organising their lives in the way they find suits them. Oats finds solace in order, this woman finds solace in not putting herself under pressure by avoiding restraints and deadlines. Neither seemed willing to tolerate the other, so inevitably it ended. Of course it ended. As it should have. If the OP had stayed together with this woman, he would probably never have seen her again anyway. They were incompatible. Not for lack of trying on the OP's part, either. So, to blame Oats for the failure of this relationship I think is rather harsh of you, elaine. Especially since the OP tried multiple times to make this r/s work out. Neither seemed willing to tolerate the other, so inevitably it ended You say that as though this is the OP's fault. It isn't. Why should the OP tolerate being disrespected repeatedly? I wouldn't tolerate being stood up. And I wouldn't tolerate someone who is chronically late multiple times because it shows me they don't respect my time. Maybe you would, but that's your preference. Remember, there was that hour commute between them and the one date where he asked this woman ahead of time to be at her house by the time he finished grocery shopping etc, yet she was still late? That's not the OP's fault. She was not interested in respecting the OP's requests. He tried to accommodate this woman multiple times, yet each time, she refused to respect the OP. What we have here, is a woman who doesn't respect other people's time. Do you know how difficult those people are to deal with? Do you have any idea? They refuse to change and they view requests to respect other people's time as a threat to their self-absorbed stance on the world.
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