Do your in-laws make parenting Hell for you?

[ValleyGoddess]

Any stories?

 

Any advice?

 

Anyone able to maintain their sanity after dealing with their "well meaning" in-laws and their "advising/critiquing"?

 

Anyone else feel like they're just not good enough, or just not doing it right?

 

Sorry in advance if I'm rehashing an older topic... I haven't read everything in here yet.

 

Hugs All!

[quankanne]

ugh ... in-laws. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. Best thing to do when it comes to parenting is to remember that in the end, YOU are the parent, not your folks or spouse's folks, therefore YOU get the final say. Sometimes you've got to be abrupt about it, but until you make it known, the kids' grandparents (your folks, your in-laws) will do their best to boss you around because you just don't know any better. Or so they believe ...

 

my niece has a preschooler and a kindergartener, as well as a meddling mother. Poor girl tries to hold her tongue because she's basically a good kid (how she ended up with a mom like my sister, I'll never know how), but I have to remind her every now and then that she and her husband are the boss when it comes to their kids, and sometimes she just needs to get right in her mother's face and say "no." Forcefully. Because she's the parent, not her mother.

 

the sniping and petty remarks? it's best to let them go right over your head. Just give a sappy grin as you're doing it ... it'll get their goat after awhile!!!!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Let's see…

 

My meddlesome ex mother-in-law almost cost me my daycare provider (neighbor and best friend) on several occasions. I was told numerous times by my friend, crying hysterically on the phone, that if I didn't put a leash on my "monster-in-law" that she would no longer be able to look after my daughter while I worked.

 

Once, she took it upon herself to pick my two-year-old up from daycare so she could give her a perm. Without informing me. Without even asking if it would be "okay." She fried my daughter's baby fine hair and returned her to me that afternoon looking like Bozo the clown. No explanation. No apology. Just a … "I thought she'd look cute with curls."

 

At sixteen, my daughter was arrested at a school basketball game for being drunk. As part of her discipline, she was told we would not co-sign for a car until her behavior improved and she could prove responsible enough to get behind the wheel of a car. My in-laws, accusing me of being "too strict" went out the very next week and BOUGHT my daughter a car, anyway. And were grinning in defiance when they handed her the keys. The fight that ensued is still the gossiped about to this very day. The neighbors, who knew my in-laws and our situation all too well were giggling and cheering me on from their bay windows.

 

By the way…my in-laws also lived right next door!!

 

After I finally divorced my husband and his nutty family, I got more congratulatory hugs than gestures of sympathy.

 

I can laugh at it all now, but it certainly wasn't amusing at the time. It's one of those reflective moments when you slap your forehead and say … "What the h*ll was I thinking!?!?!?" :confused:

[quankanne]

:eek:

 

*shudders* What part of "toddler" and "chemicals for hair" did she think go together? My sweet lord, Enigma, someone with a grudge could have called the law or child protective services for endangerment to a child because of that stunt!!!!

 

I guess your FMiL must have been dropped on her head as a child, bless her bleeping heart ... you must be so VERY relieved to have gotten away when you did. ....man, that just takes the cake .... though I've got to admit, my sister has the same streak of defiance when it comes to her daughter's kids. Niece's husband is pretty straightlaced, but a goodhearted man. He and my niece decided that they wouldn't introduce Rachel (the kindergartener) to nail polish or make up for a while, but my sister would do it on the sly, whenever the kids went to visit. Which, of course, send NiL up a wall – he already has little respect for my sister for the way she treats my niece, but her defiant behavior with the grandbabies just compounds the problem between him and my sister. Not sure what she's trying to prove, because in the end, the kid is made to be a pawn by the meddling grandparents, IMHO ...

[RecordProducer]

My mom makes parenting hard for me, because she interferes all the time (I live with her). My ex-in-laws are bad influence, because my children learn awful things from them (swearing, curses, etc.)

 

What's the story, ValleyGoddess?

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think when these situations begin, it all starts out rather benign. Family appears to just want to be 'helpful.' You say nothing at first because you just want to keep the peace. ESPECIALLY when the relative you're having a problem with is very emotional and sensitive. You find yourself walking around on eggshells anyway just to keep everyone happy.

 

If the interference is coming from the in-law side rather than your own parents, it adds a whole other dimension to the problem. Your spouse, in most cases, has grown accustom to his family's idiosyncrasies and has been conditioned to believe that this is just the way normal families function. They think it's harmless and usually defend the behavior or at least make excuses for it. Marital discord begins to set in when you voice your concerns to your spouse and they refuse to step up and say anything in your behalf. Eventually, the situation escalates until it comes to a head and you can bite your tongue no longer.

 

Having allowed it to continue on for so long unchecked, they're usually shocked, insulted and angry when you finally do step up to the plate and say something. In our case, it all came to a head in the councilor's office when my ex-husband was receiving treatment for alcohol and drug abuse. While the in-laws followed the councilor's advice and stepped back a bit, it created a lot of resentment on their part. Particularly in regards to me. The battle for control continued, but in more unhanded, sneaky kind of ways. The "car" incident was only one of MANY.

 

Looking back over my own situation, it's hard to say what I could have done different to prevent this from escalating to the point that it did. At least not with enough certainty that I could share any advice with others that are now going through the same thing. I was very young, naïve and passive at age nineteen when I married. An incurable "people pleaser." I didn't acquire a sturdy backbone until my mid thirties. But knowing my in-laws as I do, even if I had said something sooner and nipped it in the bud, the results would probably have been the same. Either way, it creates hard feelings and you become the bad guy.

 

I can say that living in such close proximity and/or with in-laws or parents makes it nearly impossible to separate your business from theirs. Even in situations where you rely on them to look after your children while you work instead of hiring someone outside of the family. Given charge of your children, they will do what comes natural and parent them the same way they parented you. And some still insist on parenting you as well, no matter how old you are!

 

I also learned through counseling (at least in our case)…that this is more likely to happen as the result of the "empty nest syndrome." Particular with woman (like my mother-in-law) who were full-time parents and homemakers. Having dedicated her life to raising her children and taking care of her home, when everyone grew up and moved out she was lost for what to do. No hobbies or interests of her own to occupy all the time she now had on her hands. It was easy to make the transition and reclaim her position as matriarch and pick up right where she left off when we moved next door and our daughter (her first grandchild) was born. And she didn't miss a beat!!

 

Hang in there, ladies. Having been there and practically chewing my own arm off to escape, I feel for you. I really, really do!!

[ValleyGoddessNLI]

Wow EnigmaXOXO. You have really managed to lay it down... word for word. I would never be able to put it so plainly. Wow!

 

We're in almost the same boat... but thank God my IL's aren't next door. How can you lady's handle that? I'd be in the boobyhatch right quick. You wouldn't be able to get the thorazine in me fast enough.

 

Our's came to a head one day when my MIL gave my husband a hard time over me giving my FIL a hard time. My MIL is classic passive/aggressive... my FIL has anger/control issues, and a MASSIVE alcohol addiction. He's miserable 24/7, and hates to see anyone enjoy any aspect of life. My son is a very cheerful, bright boy, and the FIL can't stand it. Needless to say, he's constantly searching for things that he can yell at our son for. I didn't want him doing it, and they took a fit. So we flat out said that it stops now. They didn't like that at all, tried to back pedal and twist it all so it was really my fault, so we said stop it, or you don't see him anymore. They finally saw sense (not really, but what choice did they have) and said fine, they'd behave properly, and things were good for a while. Slowly but surely, the digs started again, and then it was back to the same old, same old. Now we just don't go over there anymore. And we like it that way. They don't... and true to her passive/aggressive form, she's playing the helpless victim.

 

I feel bad about all this too - because she's in the hospital now, and she's not doing to well... I feel like a mean little child holding a grudge when she's so sick. The FIL is still as ferocious as ever, and it's worse now cause his enabler/scapegoat isn't around to take the brunt of everything for him... and he has to be responsible. Not just for himslef now, but for her as well...

 

I'm bitter bitter bitter about it. I'm just glad that my hubby saw sense and decided to stick up for not only me, but his son too. Thank goodness for that!!!

[ValleyGoddess]

Oops - I tried to post this NLI, but it didn't show up - so here I am logged in.. and here it is again...

 

Wow EnigmaXOXO. You have really managed to lay it down... word for word. I would never be able to put it so plainly. Wow!

 

We're in almost the same boat... but thank God my IL's aren't next door. How can you lady's handle that? I'd be in the boobyhatch right quick. You wouldn't be able to get the thorazine in me fast enough.

 

Our's came to a head one day when my MIL gave my husband a hard time over me giving my FIL a hard time. My MIL is classic passive/aggressive... my FIL has anger/control issues, and a MASSIVE alcohol addiction. He's miserable 24/7, and hates to see anyone enjoy any aspect of life. My son is a very cheerful, bright boy, and the FIL can't stand it. Needless to say, he's constantly searching for things that he can yell at our son for. I didn't want him doing it, and they took a fit. So we flat out said that it stops now. They didn't like that at all, tried to back pedal and twist it all so it was really my fault, so we said stop it, or you don't see him anymore. They finally saw sense (not really, but what choice did they have) and said fine, they'd behave properly, and things were good for a while. Slowly but surely, the digs started again, and then it was back to the same old, same old. Now we just don't go over there anymore. And we like it that way. They don't... and true to her passive/aggressive form, she's playing the helpless victim.

 

I feel bad about all this too - because she's in the hospital now, and she's not doing to well... I feel like a mean little child holding a grudge when she's so sick. The FIL is still as ferocious as ever, and it's worse now cause his enabler/scapegoat isn't around to take the brunt of everything for him... and he has to be responsible. Not just for himslef now, but for her as well...

 

I'm bitter bitter bitter about it. I'm just glad that my hubby saw sense and decided to stick up for not only me, but his son too. Thank goodness for that!!!

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think you're one step ahead of the game in that you have a spouse who's willing to 'partner' you and present a 'united front'. It makes dealing with the in-law situation (and the fallout resentment) much easier when you're not the odd man out.

 

Just having this much going for you has saved your family hundreds ($$$) in counseling!

 

Remember, no one can play "divide and conquer" with your relationship so long as there are no kinks in the armor. No weak links. It doesn't matter how much hostility outsiders (even family members) throw at you so long as you stick together as a TEAM.

[RecordProducer]

Enigma, that was really a nice post. I have this problem with my mother. She is being abusive towards my kids and myself (we live with her). She yells at us and calls us names. She's been doing this for years and I wasn't aware of what was really going on until I stayed alone for 3 weeks last month.

 

With in-laws you at least recognize the negative aspect right away. My mother has completely taken control over my children and gives me a hard time and insults me about everything. She's been very abusive. I had an awful childhood thanks to her and I suppose she feels guilty for that so she wants to get out clean out of her guilt and blame me for everything.

 

She calls me a bad mother, says I don't care about my children, says nobody will ever love us, put up with our sh*t, etc... In fact when we were alone (my kids and me) everything functioned well and we only argued about stupid little things. She acts like we're a terrible burden for her. Nothing I do is good enough. I suppose the roots of that behavior lie in the fact that I went through hell due to her second marriage; her husband molested me, beat her, and emotionally abused both of us.

 

If I went back, I would not let her interfere with my life. I would not speak to her about my personal affair and I would never let her take care of my children. And being honest doesn't pay with mean and manipulative people.

 

My advice: don't be spineless, do everything BEFORE they do it, completely ignore their comments a sif they come from a 5-year old child, and do everything the way YOU want it to be done.

 

When somebody abuses your children, remove them from the situation.

 

I love my mother very much, but I can't wait to move out of her apartment with my children.

[HokeyReligions]

Tough tough situations. I feel for you. I was lucky that we kept a distance from my in-laws with the kids.

 

I think the worst that ever happened was when they sat for us once during an emergency and I told them that my daughter was not feeling well and NOT to give her anything but soup and crackers to eat (that's all she was able to keep down) and they fed her pizza and ice cream -- at midnight! When we picked her up she threw up the whole way home and on and off the rest of the night. I had to take her to the doctor because she was dehydrating.

 

I was soooo mad - I told my husband to take the car over to their place and make them clean it out AND give them the doctor bill to pay too. He didn't of course - I was so angry, but he didn't stop me when I let them know exactly how angry I was.

 

They never sat for us again or were around the kids without us being there too.

 

My own mother thinks that food solves everything and would stuff them and stuff them all the time---just like she did with me and my siblings when we were growing up and I had to put my foot down with her too---which led to her crying and a whole loooong episode of depression and anger, and some minor tantrums from the kids when I didn't let them have all the junk that mom so freely gave them.

 

Having said all that, I remember when I was 12 or 13 and I gave my neice a haircut when I was watching her for a weekend! Without her mother's permission. It was a cute haircut and my neice liked it, but I got in trouble over it and rightfully so.

[ValleyGoddess]

RecordProducer - OMG! I can't even imagine what you must be going through. You need to get out of there fast. Are you having trouble finding an apt? Or is it money issues? Are you in the US or Canada? I don't know how things work in the US, but here in Canada, if you let Social Services know what's been going on, they'll help you get out quickly.

 

Hugs, and I hope everything turns out well for you and your little ones,

 

Michelle

[RecordProducer]

Thank you, Michelle. I am in Europe. It's money issue and it's not that bad, cuz I am moving out soon. For a few years I wasn't aware of what was going on, I thought it was only my fault. Plus I really loved living with my mom until a couple months ago. She was a great help around the children and I wish she could understand that I can raise my own children. She is also unable to comprehend that at age 30 she can't raise ME anymore.

 

Otherwise she is a decent, intelligent, educated, hard-working woman and her health is bad; she is not depressed, she doesn't drink or smoke or take any drugs (except those for her blood pressure). I feel sorry for her and all she's been through, that's why it hurts me that she is not being supportive rather than judgemental.

 

 

Today she's tried and wasn't yelling at all so we were all calm and happy. The main problem is that when the kids do something nasty (the problem usually resolves within 3 minutes) she starts shouting and complaining about her sad destiny (because of us) and the whole thing acquires dimensions of a scandal.

Three nights ago I was leaving for my dancing class and she got mad at the kids slamming the door and left. They begged me to not leave them alone at 8 pm (it was dark outside) so I had to take them with me. It was not a problem, but they went to bed at 10,30. She has done that before.

 

Then most of the time she runs after them, feeds them, does everything instead of them and thinks she takes good care of them. I want them to be independent. So she exaggerates in both taking care of them and punishing them in the wrong way - by yelling. She buys them toys and stuff even when they haven't deserved it (kept their promise to be good in order to get something) and cleans their room for them.

 

My own mother thinks that food solves everything and would stuff them and stuff them all the time

Mine too!

I had to take her to the doctor because she was dehydrating.

This is off topic, but since we speak of children, I thought I'd share this. When my sons were one year old, on eof them got some virus and vomitted and had diarrhea. The doctor suggested water (this special mineral solution) - 1-2 spoons every half an hour so that he doesn't dehydratate. My baby was throwing up and crapping much more than that so he finally looked as if he just got out of Auschwitz.

 

At one point I decided to screw the doctor's advice and gave him water as much as he wanted. He didn't even throw it up! I gues his thirsty cells absorbed it right away. He woke up healthy! Of course the virus only lasted for two days, but the point is: if you feel that something is good for your child, don't listen to anyone.

[mrs.sarah]

My mother in law likes to let my daughter get away with everything. For example:

 

We were out to dinner with my inlaws, and my daughter was standing on the chair & getting out of hand. I was trying to get her under controll & sit her down. My mother in law said "she's fine. Just let her be". I told her that I will not allow my daughter to behave that way in a restaraunt.

 

I just have to remind her sometimes that I am the mother here. It drives me crazy that she is this way, but I consider myself lucky because I have heard so many stories about inlaws from hell.