Insecurity ruining my chances?

[AgentCormac78]

Hi,

 

I went on a date with an incredible woman last week. After a couple of hours she leaned over the table and started kissing me. We proceeded to another more intimate location and continued making out. She was all over me, staring into my eyes and smiling at me, telling me how I was turning her on.

 

We ended up back at mine (over $100 for a cab) and had sex for a couple of hours. She seemed to really enjoy it, and it felt very passionate. Things were fine in the morning, no awkwardness. During the day, while we were at work, she brought up the sex a few times while messaging, saying she kept thinking about it, that it was amazing and she wanted to do it again. We were also continuing our usual fun, non-sexual banter. We then arranged to go on a second date the following weekend, which she was very excited for.

 

Within a couple of days of our first date however, I made the mistake of showing insecurity about her ex, whom she had told me about already, and had openly admitted to be still trying to get over him. She said this made her uneasy, and that we had to bring things down a notch as she was worried about disappointing in future. I told her that this was cool with me and we would take it slow. She seemed to calm down after that.

 

The next day she sent me a Dear John text saying she felt it (me in particular) was getting too intense. She said she's the type that gets scared away easily if things move too fast. She then said that she "had" really liked me, and "had" wanted to see me again but it was too intense and felt like a serious relationship after one date. She said she felt I was getting insecure and anxious about her already and that if we continued, it would possibly end badly.

 

The following day, she un-followed me from Instagram but didn't remove or block me.

 

Is she being honest? Do you think she really did like me and I've turned her off with insecurity? or, rather than my insecurity, could it be that she started to like me more than she expected, got scared and ran away? Or, do you think she just wanted sex and was looking for a way out afterwards?

 

I'd appreciated anyone's thoughts on this, as I know she won't give me another chance so I'm just trying to learn from it. This girl was incredible, and the thought that I blew my chances with her because of an act of insecurity makes me want to go back in time and kick my own ass

[Foxhall]

a mate gave me good advice one time,

 

in fairness I often never heeded it,

 

"do not say anything negative to a woman"

 

this is especially true in the early days- first few meet ups,

 

keep it fun and positive at all costs,

 

once you get to know other a few weeks/months later- some "negative" stuff will have to come up,

 

a lot of women are quite fickle though- when you do not know them that well it can be easy put them off,

 

so keep that in mind!

well done on the date anyway!

[AgentCormac78]

Thanks for the reply Foxhall.

 

I think you and your mate are absolutely right. The frustrating thing is, I'm kinda knew it already but I couldn't help myself. I was concerned that I was being used as a rebound, that I was going to start really liking her and then get dropped if the ex came back around.

 

The masculine thing to do would've been to stay positive, go with the flow, and keep increasing her attraction levels toward me. I could've gotten her attracted to the point where she may have started to think less and less about the ex and maybe focus more on me.

 

I'm not that great with women but she was definitely giving off strong signals that she liked me. Unmistakable signals even. I should've trusted these vibes instead of listening to my insecurities.

 

Again, thanks for the response pal

[ExpatInItaly]

The masculine thing to do would've been to stay positive, go with the flow, and keep increasing her attraction levels toward me. I could've gotten her attracted to the point where she may have started to think less and less about the ex and maybe focus more on me.

 

As a woman, I can tell you that all the Corey Wayne-speak in the world makes zero difference if we are not over an ex. All this malarkey about masculine energy and increasing attraction? Doesn't mean a thing if our hearts are with someone else.

 

Sorry, OP. I don't think this was going to end well regardless. She isn't over him and not in the right place to be dating. You two might have had some casual fun, yes but it was unlikely to lead to anything serious. Perhaps a few more dates and some roles in the sack, but I can nearly promise it would have fizzled sooner or later. She is on the rebound.

 

Your insecurity was beside the point.

[schlumpy]

Within two hours of the first date she is dragging you off to the bedroom and then later on claims you are moving to fast? I have nothing to measure that statement against.

 

I think she used you in attempt to get over her ex. After the sex she felt guilty for "cheating" on her ex thus her little confession. It didn't work, so she's out.

 

Your insecurity had nothing to do with it. In fact you were never in control of the situation what-so-ever.

 

In the future, try getting to know a woman first before jumping into the four poster bed especially since you seem to want a relationship and not just a one off.

 

Best Wishes

[AgentCormac78]

Well for a bit of context, everything was seemingly going fine the day after. She seemed keen to see me again. She also said she did like me but she's aware that she gets infatuated quickly and jumps into things. It's only after I asked about her ex that she freaked out. She said she was trying to move on but she gets scared easily. Then she says we need to stay calm, chill out, try not to over-think and see how it goes.

 

Like you say though, she maybe did feel guilty, but was maybe looking for more casual sex or something.

[ExpatInItaly]

Being fine the morning after sex doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things, OP.

 

It takes a little more time for reality to sink in, in the light of day. And when it did, she realized she couldn't continue. Maybe she feels guilty about sleeping with someone else, or maybe she is talking to her ex and again and going to pursue that instead.

 

Either way, when a woman tells you she is trying to get over her ex, you need to drop her a serious dating option. Too much emotional turmoil to work through.

[AgentCormac78]

Well she said her ex wants nothing to do with her, he would never take her back and she was trying to move on from him.

 

Everything you are all saying makes sense, its just that the vibe changed for her very suddenly at the exact time I was being insecure. She tried to work through it by asking to slow down, but the next day she said that she just couldn't shake the negative vibe and that she couldn't continue.

 

When she ended it, she said she didn't want me thinking I'd been used as it was definitely not the case. Might be guilt talking though.

 

I also called her out afterwards. I said she needs to think about whether she should actually be dating, because she has likely overthought what was going on in my head and scared herself off. She said I could be right and she was sorry.

Edited August 4, 2019 by AgentCormac78

[elaine567]

People who are over their ex never mention the ex as the ex is not in their thoughts. The ex is just another person.

 

Those with unfinished business with their ex, bring them straight into the conversation and make a big deal of it.

Here you hardly knew the woman, and you knew she was struggling to get over him.

There is nothing you can do apart from walk away when that happens. You could be the best most fantastic man in the world and she will still be hankering over her ex. He may be the biggest loser/abuser on the planet and if she loves him, you have NO chance.

 

Also sex, do not assume sex means a lot to a woman. It may do, it may not.

A woman can have sex with guys she likes, guys she doesn't like, guys she even hates, guys she is attracted to, guys she is not attracted to...

Its complicated.

[Gretchen12]

She moved fast on you because she needed an instant replacement of a man in her life. She is going through pain and desperately needed a man to want her. She may even convince herself that she is happy with you and that her ex is easily replaceable.

 

She seemed so amazing to you because she was putting in major effort, not effort to win you, but effort to win any man so that she can stop feeling the pain of breakup. Also she's still "warm" from her relationship, so no warm up needed. Step right in!

 

 

... Until you pointed out that she may not be over him. She has guilt for using you as a distraction. That's reality. If she was honest, she should have just told you that she can't continue because it's not fair to you.

[PRW]

(over $100 for a cab)

Never do that. Shows to way too eager, way too easy, way too "needing it badly".

Within a couple of days of our first date however, I made the mistake of showing insecurity about her ex,

Yea, bad move

She said this made her uneasy, and that we had to bring things down a notch as she was worried about disappointing in future. I told her that this was cool with me and we would take it slow. She seemed to calm down after that.

Your "this was cool" was too late. You already screwed it up by then. She was looking for a "fun time", she isn't looking for a relationship or another BF,...but you were putting off the vibe that you had those things on your mind.

 

You should not have talked about making another date while still on the one you were on (more relationship vibe). You say your good-bys and wait a few days before making the next date. She needs a little time to think over the experience she just had and wonder if she'll hear from you again,...then make the next date.

The next day she sent me a Dear John text saying she felt it (me in particular) was getting too intense.

Just what I would expect.

She then said that she "had" really liked me, and "had" wanted to see me again but it was too intense and felt like a serious relationship after one date.

She is making my point.

The following day, she un-followed me from Instagram but didn't remove or block me.

Fine. Leave her alone and you won't get blocked. If you her from her later on,...don't lose your s**t,...don't run around in circles "What do I do? What do I do?!!". You just use the opportunity to set the next date, and do it without a lot of "fanfare" and get off the phone before you say something stupid.

Is she being honest? Do you think she really did like me and I've turned her off with insecurity? or, rather than my insecurity,

Yes. In fact I have to give her a lot of credit and big "kudos" for being straight with you and actually telling you exactly why she was backing away. Most will never do that. So, good for her!

could it be that she started to like me more than she expected, got scared and ran away?

Big NO.

Or, do you think she just wanted sex and was looking for a way out afterwards?

Very possible.

This girl was incredible

No she wasn't. She was a walking sex toy. If you were in a relationship with her she would go off and do the same thing with another guy the first time she got ticked off at you for something. Maybe she will calm down later on and be more serious,...but not right now. She is going to have to live her life the way she wants right now until she gets tired of a shallow life and wants more. There is nothing you can do about that. Edited August 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Flame Aura]

She told you she is not over her ex. She jumped straight into bed with you because she is trying to get over her ex.

 

This was never going to develop into a relationship, she just wanted to have fun. She realised you wanted a relationship very early on and saved you the heartache later on because she knew it would happen sooner or later.

[AgentCormac78]

Never do that. Shows to way too eager, way too easy, way too "needing it badly"

It was her that paid for the cab. It was all her idea.

You should not have talked about making another date while still on the one you were on (more relationship vibe). You say your good-bys and wait a few days before making the next date. She needs a little time to think over the experience she just had and wonder if she'll hear from you again,...then make the next date.

We had already arranged the second date before I messed up. She seemed really excited about it as well.

Fine. Leave her alone and you won't get blocked. If you her from her later on,...don't lose your s**t,...don't run around in circles "What do I do? What do I do?!!". You just use the opportunity to set the next date, and do it without a lot of "fanfare" and get off the phone before you say something stupid.

There's no way I'm reaching out to her again. I don't expect to hear from her again either. If I do, I'll try hard to resist the urge to go on another date with her. It'll be difficult though. 5/10's like me don't often turn down dates with 9/10's

Big NO.

You think it was all one-sided on my part? Edited August 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[AgentCormac78]

I appreciate that she saved me heartache early on after the date. But i stated right at the beginning that I was looking to see how it goes and eventually meet someone. She had also said she was looking for someone to sweep her off her feet. If she really was just looking for a bit of fun, she certainly never made it obvious. In fact she categorically told me she was "not" using me. Maybe i'm naive, but I try to take people at their word until they give me a reason to do other wise.

 

I was given the impression she was looking to date with the "hope" that it goes well and may develop into something. Had I suspected beforehand that this wasn't the case, the date would never have went ahead. I also appreciate this could well have been her intention but when it came to the crunch, she freaked out.

 

I'll probably never know, I'm just trying to figure out where I went wrong, and if my insecurity is to blame. I don't want to try dating anymore women that are physically out of my league until I know I can be emotionally stable about it.

[elaine567]

5/10's like me don't often turn down dates with 9/10's

 

Sorry but she only dated you, as she is "damaged".

Undamaged 9/10s are looking for other 9/10s...

 

Happens all the time, men get involved with "hot" women out of their league to find she is "crazy", sexually promiscuous, mentally unstable, suffering from a mental illness, has a personality disorder, is grieving an ex, has some messed up childhood issues including abuse, etc. etc.

The man thinks "Wow she chose me" and can't believe his luck, so ignores the red flags. He gets emotionally involved, the sex is often "crazy" too and he is hooked, he does't want to lose this "prize".

THEN the real craziness kicks in.

If he is lucky he gets dumped, if not he may actually suffer some serious mental health issues as he tries to make sense of the insanity...

[AgentCormac78]

Sorry but she only dated you, as she is "damaged".

Undamaged 9/10s are looking for other 9/10s...

 

.

 

Well women quite often claim that looks aren't the most important trait in a man.

 

And to be honest, I was slightly exaggerating there, I'm closer to a 6.5/10 and she's probably closer an 8/10 but I get what you're saying. I don't actually think she's that damaged, I just think she's still hurt by her breakup. It was 4 months ago. When my ex broke up with me, I still wanted her back nearly 5 months later.

 

She had explained about a week and half before we met, that looks were not the top of her checklist. When she asked me out, she said she wanted to meet me because she thought I was hilarious and interesting to talk to. She also said that if there was no spark, at least we'd both make a new friend. Turned out there was a spark, albeit a very temporary one.

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't think you did anything wrong. She's not over the ex. You want something real and you made that clear. She's not ready for something real. At best you might have dragged it out a little.

 

I would never in a million years talk about my ex on or after a first date, and that's because I give anyone I date the courtesy of me being over my ex and ready to date someone new before I do so.

 

This forum has made it very clear to me, however, that plenty of women are not so nice, and move on to a new man before they're anywhere near ready, using him for attention, sex, money, distraction to help get over the ex.

 

She may be in touch next time she needs another distraction from thoughts of her ex. I know that to a lot of men, no-strings sex is a win. If that's you, enjoy - but don't let yourself get too attached to her emotionally, as she's clearly very fickle.

[AgentCormac78]

I don't think you did anything wrong. She's not over the ex. You want something real and you made that clear. She's not ready for something real. At best you might have dragged it out a little.

 

Thanks, but I did act insecure for a brief time. Not acting insecure may not have made a difference to the eventual outcome, but it wouldn't have hurt my chances.

[AgentCormac78]

She may be in touch next time she needs another distraction from thoughts of her ex. I know that to a lot of men, no-strings sex is a win. If that's you, enjoy - but don't let yourself get too attached to her emotionally, as she's clearly very fickle.

 

I won't hear from her again, I'm sure of it. To be honest, I genuinely think she liked me enough as a person, and probably felt guilty enough, that she wouldn't try to use me again anyway. It's just a feeling I have, she did seem to really enjoy my company.

 

However, if she does get in touch about seeing me again, I'd only consider it if she promises to give me a fair shot at dating her. I'd also try to resist having sex with her again until after about 3 or 4 more dates. That way, if it is a quick lay she's after, she'll be unlikely to agree, and will therefore reveal her true intentions.

Edited August 4, 2019 by AgentCormac78

[Flame Aura]

Thanks, but I did act insecure for a brief time. Not acting insecure may not have made a difference to the eventual outcome, but it wouldn't have hurt my chances.

You keep mentioning this 'insecurity' but what actually happened, what exactly was this 'insecurity' that you think played a part in all of this?

[AgentCormac78]

You keep mentioning this 'insecurity' but what actually happened, what exactly was this 'insecurity' that you think played a part in all of this?

 

We were chatting away happily. Talking about the great night we'd had. She mentioned that she wanted to take things slowly though because she gets scared if things get too intense too quickly. Then the subject got onto attachment styles or something similar. I said I was quite laid back, comfortable both with my own space, and with intimacy, and I only ever get anxious if the person I'm with is extremely avoidant. She said that she wasn't avoidant and liked closeness and intimacy. She then said she probably pushed her ex away by being too needy for him. I then opened my big mouth and asked if she was over him, and if she would go back if he wanted her. She got very agitated and said not to ask her these things. I then told her I just wanted to make sure I would get a shot and that I wasn't being used as a rebound or to make someone jealous. And "BOOM!" insecurity all over the place. She then said the vibe got weird. She was freaked out because she was worried about disappointing me down the line. She said we'd be fine if we just took it down a notch, got to know each other better at a steady pace and see where it goes. Next day... "Dear John, you're getting too intense and you've scared me away"

[Flame Aura]

We were chatting away happily. Talking about the great night we'd had. She mentioned that she wanted to take things slowly though because she gets scared if things get too intense too quickly. Then the subject got onto attachment styles or something similar. I said I was quite laid back, comfortable both with my own space, and with intimacy, and I only ever get anxious if the person I'm with is extremely avoidant. She said that she wasn't avoidant and liked closeness and intimacy. She then said she probably pushed her ex away by being too needy for him. I then opened my big mouth and asked if she was over him, and if she would go back if he wanted her. She got very agitated and said not to ask her these things. I then told her I just wanted to make sure I would get a shot and that I wasn't being used as a rebound or to make someone jealous. And "BOOM!" insecurity all over the place. She then said the vibe got weird. She was freaked out because she was worried about disappointing me down the line. She said we'd be fine if we just took it down a notch, got to know each other better at a steady pace and see where it goes. Next day... "Dear John, you're getting too intense and you've scared me away"

Thanks for clarifying.

 

 

It's pretty clear now that you did nothing wrong, this is all on her, stop thinking you did something wrong. Firstly as soon as she brought up pushing her ex away, that was a red flag as he's on her mind when she's with you.

 

 

Secondly there is nothing wrong with asking her if she is over him or whether she would go back to him, after she has made it obvious she is not over him. If she didn't bring him up in the first place, then off course you should not mention it, but she did.

 

 

Her response to your question, telling you not to ask these things, just proves the whole point that she is not over him. If she was, she would have no problem answering 'Oh yea I'm way over him, no way would I go back to him". That's what an emotionally ready for a new relationship person would do. Not get hung up about the question.

 

 

Her telling you that you were too intense etc is just her way of deflecting the real issue - she is not over her ex. Off course she was not going to openly admit it.

 

 

Basically, there was nothing wrong with asking that question. Her response/reaction showed what the real issue is. All that happened is what would have happened at some point in the future - she would have dropped you.

 

 

If anything this was a blessing in disguise, you got out nice and early. Now on to the to the next one.

[Inflikted]

I've never dated, period, so take my post with a grain of salt, as maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, but I was always under the impression that, if you're "making out" or especially having sex on the first date, it's probably not something built to last, to begin with. From the outside looking in, I always assumed getting "sexual" any earlier than, like, at least a month into seeing someone is typically a symptom of a "fling" or something fairly casual, especially the earlier on it happens. But what do I know?

[AgentCormac78]

Thanks for clarifying.

 

 

It's pretty clear now that you did nothing wrong, this is all on her, stop thinking you did something wrong. Firstly as soon as she brought up pushing her ex away, that was a red flag as he's on her mind when she's with you.

 

 

Secondly there is nothing wrong with asking her if she is over him or whether she would go back to him, after she has made it obvious she is not over him. If she didn't bring him up in the first place, then off course you should not mention it, but she did.

 

 

Her response to your question, telling you not to ask these things, just proves the whole point that she is not over him. If she was, she would have no problem answering 'Oh yea I'm way over him, no way would I go back to him". That's what an emotionally ready for a new relationship person would do. Not get hung up about the question.

 

 

Her telling you that you were too intense etc is just her way of deflecting the real issue - she is not over her ex. Off course she was not going to openly admit it.

 

 

Basically, there was nothing wrong with asking that question. Her response/reaction showed what the real issue is. All that happened is what would have happened at some point in the future - she would have dropped you.

 

 

If anything this was a blessing in disguise, you got out nice and early. Now on to the to the next one.

 

You're probably right. I appreciate you all taking the time to discuss this with me. Although a few people have tried to simplify it to her intentionally using me for a lay, or to take her mind of the ex. The evidence suggests to me that she did go on the date with the best intentions but after it went well she maybe had to face the fact that she maybe wasn't ready. I don't think she meant any harm, she just jumped in, got excited and went too far too soon. When she's realised she might hurt me down the line, she's put a stop to it. Maybe i'm being naive, but that's just the impression I get from what happened.

[AgentCormac78]

I've never dated, period, so take my post with a grain of salt, as maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, but I was always under the impression that, if you're "making out" or especially having sex on the first date, it's probably not something built to last, to begin with. From the outside looking in, I always assumed getting "sexual" any earlier than, like, at least a month into seeing someone is typically a symptom of a "fling" or something fairly casual, especially the earlier on it happens. But what do I know?

 

This is probably the case in a lot of situations. But I was in a 4 year relationship with a girl who I slept with several times before even going on a date. It was an on and off fling for about a year. We were friends first though. For months she kept pushing me away, saying she was scared. Then one day it just clicked for her and she said she wanted a relationship. She was then devoted to me for the next 3 years or so before things started to go downhill. She wanted to get engaged, but I wasn't ready and it caused a rift. I still have her on social media and we care about still each other as people.