Curiousroxy86 Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 Sorry op As disgusting as it is I agree with smackie, fool, lots, and snowcone on this one At six weeks you don’t know him to know if you really want to marry him. You just like him a lot with the information and interaction at six weeks that’s all. I know it sucks when someone you like doesn’t turn out to be the one but that’s why you have to get to know the guys you date. Be sad but don’t be distraught he is not the first and he may not be the last. just keep dating. Get to know a guy and let the right guy show you by HIS ACTIONS OVER TIME that he wants to be with you for long term. if he is not your exclusive boyfriend I wouldn’t be focused on him. I would be open to date other men. I’ll be damn if I voluntarily be exclusive to a guy being cowardly cryptic and hinting to possibly set up for a future excuse not to date me. This is unattractive behavior. If this doesn’t encourage you to kick him to the curb just yet at the very least you should be rethinking your desire to be with him and choose not to go all in on this guy right now until he shows better actions. You can have this frank conversation if you want to but whatever you do whether you continue to see him or date other men please show an unapologetic love and acceptance of yourself. Don’t let what a man says make you insecure about yourself. He either should take you or leave you. Guys can be notorious for saying offhanded things. Some of its tactless thinking out loud uncalled for type of honesty and sometimes it’s an excuse and sometimes it’s manipulation and/or a lie. Sometimes they say one thing yet play themselves by falling in love and staying anyway lol and sometimes they don’t stay. So give any man the autonomy to choose you but you don’t wait hoping to be picked. So for you op Sometimes it doesn’t need to be said that he either is going to take you or leave you and you will be just fine either way because your ultimately going to choose the man who wants to be with you anyway. Or you can respond in a way that communicates that love and acceptance and leave it at that. “I want kids but I am also fine if I end up not having them since I am a sexy 43 and it’s important I am with a man who is on the same page as me” and go on about your business. Let the chips fall where they may. But I just don’t recommend you wait on him to choose you if he is not your exclusive boyfriend. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 Outside of this one issue, I have liked him so much - more than any man I've met in years, so possibly ending things solely because of my age/fertility makes me so sad. :/ Big hugs to you. That's tough .
BaileyB Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 Outside of this one issue, I have liked him so much - more than any man I've met in years, so possibly ending things solely because of my age/fertility makes me so sad. :/ Indeed. Big hugs to you. It is very hard. Hoping that things go a little better than you may expect.
elaine567 Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 if he is not your exclusive boyfriend I wouldn’t be focused on him. I would be open to date other men. All very well, but if this is the best prospect she has had in years... Messing about with other men and losing focus or being dumped by this guy for "cheating" is not in her best interests, is it? There comes a time when "Next" can just mean another loser, so surely it is best to make a bit of effort to not spoil things when something good comes along. Yes this guy may not turn out great but at least she can say she tried, not that she was out dating others when she should have been concentrating on what she had. A bird in the hand...
snowcones Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 (edited) You can have this frank conversation if you want to but whatever you do whether you continue to see him or date other men please show an unapologetic love and acceptance of yourself. Don’t let what a man says make you insecure about yourself. He either should take you or leave you. Guys can be notorious for saying offhanded things. Some of its tactless thinking out loud uncalled for type of honesty and sometimes it’s an excuse and sometimes it’s manipulation and/or a lie. Sometimes they say one thing yet play themselves by falling in love and staying anyway lol and sometimes they don’t stay. So give any man the autonomy to choose you but you don’t wait hoping to be picked. So for you op Sometimes it doesn’t need to be said that he either is going to take you or leave you and you will be just fine either way because your ultimately going to choose the man who wants to be with you anyway. Or you can respond in a way that communicates that love and acceptance and leave it at that. “I want kids but I am also fine if I end up not having them since I am a sexy 43 and it’s important I am with a man who is on the same page as me” and go on about your business. Let the chips fall where they may. But I just don’t recommend you wait on him to choose you if he is not your exclusive boyfriend. This is spot on regarding keeping your self-respect and being firm on what you want. My instincts tell me that he's a "waffler". You know, the type that can't make a decision about anything because his brain is racing too much. Which is pure torture for a person who is more stable, because they always pull you into their never-ending waffling routine. Edited August 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 All very well, but if this is the best prospect she has had in years... Messing about with other men and losing focus or being dumped by this guy for "cheating" is not in her best interests, is it? There comes a time when "Next" can just mean another loser, so surely it is best to make a bit of effort to not spoil things when something good comes along. Yes this guy may not turn out great but at least she can say she tried, not that she was out dating others when she should have been concentrating on what she had. A bird in the hand... Elaine. I don’t see this guy as a “good one” yet. Is this guy her exclusive boyfriend? If not then she would not be cheating. And even if your speaking for those who date one at a time. Do you know if this guy is even focusing on her himself? I didnt read any indication that he is. All I read is that she likes him and have been seeing him. But I haven’t read any evidence from op that this guy is all in on her. So please break it down for me why YOU think this guy is great? I might have missed something. She only know the guy six weeks and he is already on some confused cryptic bs. Being open to the advances of other prospects when one hasn’t made you exclusive or atleast acting like he is exclusive to you if unsaid isn’t “messing” around. If he is exclusive then I don’t recommend she just up and date other men. I do recommend she don’t ignore what he said and rethink him and take him off the pedestal that she and apparently you seem to put this man on And that attitude is the very attitude that keeps women stuck in bad toxic relationships by the way. “He is better than everybody else out there so I might as well deal and accept because who knows when another one comes along”. One should stick with a guy because he is actually good and not just call him “good” and stay because your afraid of being single again 2
BaileyB Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 So please break it down for me why YOU think this guy is great? One should stick with a guy because he is actually good and not just call him “good” and stay because your afraid of being single again What makes you believe that he is not a good guy or that she is staying with him because she is afraid of being single again? OP has given absolutely no indication that this is the case... This is a new relationship. We don’t know if this guy is a good guy or not. All we know is that OP likes this man and he has made a comment to her about wanting to have children. It’s caused her to think that they have different goals/plans for life. Anything more than that is pure conjecture... 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 (edited) What makes you believe that he is not a good guy or that she is staying with him because she is afraid of being single again? OP has given absolutely no indication that this is the case... I said I don’t see evidence that he is a good guy yet. Didn’t call him a bad guy either. I pointed out behavior that I deemed unattractive and should cause op to rethink him. Meaning evaluate. My response about sticking with someone out of not wanting to be single again was more so aimed at Elaine. Not Op. because Elaine was the one who automatically said this guy is a “good one” when I don’t see any real evidence yet that he is. Do you? Elaine also is the one that scoffed at the idea of “nexting” someone when the next guy may not be great and that she rather should stick with what she got. Hence me saying not stick with someone because you are afraid of being single again to Elaine And yes I do think op is putting this guy on a pedestal a bit. It’s six weeks and she can already see herself marrying the guy. Hence what I actually said to op before elaine quoted me was basically to pay attention to what this guy said, his behavior right now isn’t conducive for her to go “all in” yet, if he is not exclusive I would date other men, and for her to not let any man whether this one or another one make her feel insecure. Edited August 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
snowcones Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 ^^^ I agree curiousroxy86. It's too early to put him on such a pedastal.
elaine567 Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 Outside of this one issue, I have liked him so much - more than any man I've met in years ^^^ this^^^ No-one can disregard this. The OP has never said she is scared to be single. As I already stated, he may not turn out to be "great", but if she tried her best then she has nothing to regret. All very well for us to sit and "next" and suggest she date others, but it will not be us sitting alone in an apartment mulling over "the one that got away..."
BaileyB Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 Outside of this one issue, I have liked him so much - more than any man I've met in years I would have said the same thing six weeks after I met my life partner. That doesn’t mean that I put him on a pedistal or that I wasn’t seriously evaluating his character, the relationship, or the possibility of a future together. It simply means, she has made a connection with this man that she is excited to explore. Furthermore, it’s ok to be sad if it doesn’t work worknout because he wants to have children and she is not able/not interested in having children at this stage of life.
Curiousroxy86 Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 (edited) ^^^ this^^^ No-one can disregard this. The OP has never said she is scared to be single. As I already stated, he may not turn out to be "great", but if she tried her best then she has nothing to regret. All very well for us to sit and "next" and suggest she date others, but it will not be us sitting alone in an apartment mulling over "the one that got away..." I haven’t met anyone like my toxic ex and was madly in love too doesn’t mean it was a good relationship Elaine I was fully aware how she feels about the guy which was why I said what I said to her to begin with. In the grand scheme of things Six weeks isn’t a long enough time to determine that this guy is husband worthy and that she should pay attention to his behavior. And listen it’s always easy to say date other men, dump him, don’t take his mess when you really like a guy. I know that. But despite it not being easy I personally don’t encourage women to keep their rose colored glasses on and be led by their emotions for obvious reasons. Lord knows it’s easy to just be so into a guy and be led by how you feel for the guy and ignore everything else but it’s detrimental to a woman’s well being to do that. The reality of the situation is she don’t know this man from Adam. He is giving her peek of something she should atleast pay attention to. Now I don’t think he is her boyfriend and if not I stand by what I said the first time. And the bit about being afraid to be single was towards you and what you were saying not towards Op. second time I had to clarify that and I’m not going to do it again. We are just going to have to agree to disagree cause your not even reading and comprehending what I am saying at this point Edited August 4, 2019 by Curiousroxy86 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 , it’s ok to be sad if it doesn’t work worknout because he wants to have children and she is not able/not interested in having children at this stage of life. Who said she couldn’t be sad or that it was even a problem? I said be sad but don’t be distraught. It does suck when you really like a guy but it may not or don’t pan out. I was trying to encourage her to look at this guy more realistically and not put herself in the position to feel insecure. If you want to keep her in her feelings that your business. So since you also are not reading and just want to complain over nothing. I’m done addressing you. Agree to disagree
Author melaniemelanie Posted August 4, 2019 Author Posted August 4, 2019 I would have said the same thing six weeks after I met my life partner. That doesn’t mean that I put him on a pedistal or that I wasn’t seriously evaluating his character, the relationship, or the possibility of a future together. It simply means, she has made a connection with this man that she is excited to explore. Furthermore, it’s ok to be sad if it doesn’t work worknout because he wants to have children and she is not able/not interested in having children at this stage of life. Thanks, BaileyB, for coming to my defence . There's a lot of speculation about me, him, etc on this board. Likely my fault as I didn't clarify much in my initial post. But yes, to clarify -- he's not on a pedestal, he *is* a good guy (we've run in the same circles for years, I know quite a bit about him, he's a good guy), and I'm not desperate or scared of being single (I've been single for 12 years, mainly). All I was really asking here is whether people had ideas as to why a 43 year old man would ask out a 42 year old woman, when he wants kids. I feel like the media is so full of the warnings about fertility declining for women, that surely he's aware of that messaging/knowledge....but, maybe not. So, I will have to have a talk with him about it all soon. But it does bum me out that this might end us, because we're pretty great together, even though it's only been six weeks. It definitely does make me sad.
Curiousroxy86 Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 Well op I stand by what I originally said to you and wasn’t attacking you in anyway. If you felt attacked by what I said to you that wasn’t my intention at all. Good luck.
smackie9 Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 Why not just go for soda and ask him yourself? Maybe he will be relieved that you don’t want kids and the “pressure” is off.
BaileyB Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 Why not just go for soda and ask him yourself? Maybe he will be relieved that you don’t want kids and the “pressure” is off. That’s what happened for me. I was a little younger than you OP but he is a few years older than me, has one child, and he had a vasectomy. He was worried that i wouldn’t want to date him because he couldn’t have more kids. He thought I was “young” at 39 and that I would want to have kids... thing is, many of my friends are now teaching their kids how to drive and attending their graduations. I had made my peace with the fact that it wasn’t in the cards for me. I was happy to meet the love of my life, pleased to be a part of his son’s life, and thrilled that he had already had a vasectomy and we wouldn’t have to worry about birth control. The thing is, you don’t know what he’s thinking until you talk to him. You may just be surprised by what you hear... But yes, my boyfriend thought that I wanted to have a baby at forty - what did he know about fertility. That said, I know someone who just had her first child at 43 and she is thrilled! Whatever happens, you have a good head on your shoulders and you will be fine. I do hope it works out for you though... 1
Maggiemay1 Posted August 5, 2019 Posted August 5, 2019 The guy said he rushes decisions on pursuing relationships based on not wanting to be an old dad. This might be the reason he has had failed relationships because he pursued it with one end goal ... children. Without considering if the relationship was one that could survive or last that long? Or without discussion if the girl he was seeing actually wanted kids. I don’t think he is clueless re fertility but rather is quite aware and that’s why he brought it up early days. He might be clueless to the fact that some women don’t want children though. At 42 , it is possible for you to have a child. And if you still want one , don’t write things off with him yet. Simply tell him at your age your chances are lower of conceiving naturally , if you were to try for a child then IVF might be the only option but that you are not wanting to try until within a solid relationship. And see what his response is?
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