melaniemelanie Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 Hi, I'm a 42 year old female, who has recently been dating a 43 year old male for about six weeks. Our dates and connection have been great so far. I really like him, and could see myself moving in with him, marrying him etc. We seem to have a special connection building, and I'm grateful for it. On our last date, however (we've been maybe on seven dates so far, with one sleepover), he told me he feels rushed to make decisions in his dating life, as "time is running out". When I asked what he meant, he said time is running out because he doesn't want to be "an old dad." I'd of course wondered if he had wanted children, and why he hadn't yet had them with other women he's been in relationships for, but our conversations just hadn't led to THIS conversation yet. I'd also assumed, clearly wrongly (?) that him dating a 42 year old woman meant he likely understood that I probably can't have children -- fertility is in such decline for women after 40, let alone after 42 (and if we took our time to keep dating, then got a home etc, I'd probably be 45 by the time we could "start" trying - my understanding is there's a slim to none chance I could be pregnant naturally at that age. So my question is -- are men really this obtuse about fertility and women? He's a lawyer, his father is a doctor -- I sort of thought if he's seriously dating me, he knew that kids were likely not in the picture. I'm brokenhearted because I feel like, by pointing out the unlikelihood of me being able to give him children, he'll quickly dump me. It's like my only value is the health of my ovaries, not my personality or other qualities. I've noticed a lot on dating apps that men in their 40s and 50s say they want children, and yet swipe on me - at 42 - as a "match". If they want children so badly, why are they not setting their age parameters to younger women? Any thoughts? Melanie 1
BaileyB Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 Yeah, I would say that some men don’t understand fertility. In fact, I think many women think that it’s reasonable to expect that they can have a baby in their late 30’s or early 40’s. And, while it does happen it is not without significant risk and it’s not always possible. I’m sorry. You need to have a serious discussion with him because if he truly wants to have children, he needs to know that it’s unlikely to happen with you. It must be very discouraging to feel like you have finally met someone wonderful, and realize that it may not work out as you’d hoped. You never know, he may surprise you... but, I think honesty is the best policy here. Do it sooner than later, before you get too attached. 1
elaine567 Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 Why fertility is far from finished at 40 and Abortion among over-40s on rise as older women mistakenly shun contraception 1
BaileyB Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 The follow up to that post, if you do manage to get pregnant - do you really want to be raising young children in your mid-40’s? And, is that fair to the children? Those are entirely different questions than “Can I get pregnant at 42?” Never mind the fact that you’ve known the guy for six weeks. Yes, the biological clock is ticking but it takes time to be sure that he is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with/with whom you want to raise children. I was in your boat OP. I made the same decision. It was hard to let go of the thought that I would have my own children. Still, it was the best decision for me. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 I would be perplexed by this as well! Maybe since he's a lawyer (presumably he's financially stable/well off?) and his dad's a doctor, he's just made the assumption that paying to become a dad (IVF, surrogacy, adoption, etc.) is a given? 1
smackie9 Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 IMO 6 weeks is not enough time to really know someone...and I agree with him that this is rushed. It may seem everything is perfect but things can fall apart at 6 months when the honey moon phase ends. I can see it if you have been dating for a year/year and a half...but 6 weeks?? You can hit menopause at 45, so ya you both need to have a discussion. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 Maybe he really is uninformed about fertility in women, and doesn't really understand the complications that can arise past 40 for women trying to have a baby. I suppose this also begs the question, OP: do you want children? Would you be comfortable having a baby at this point in your life? This is a conversation that needed to happen at some point, and if you two are not on the same page, it is going to be better to walk away now rather than continue dating. Perhaps he was trying to feel you out and see if you are even interested in children yourself. How did you respond when he said he didn't want to be an old dad? I would also caution you against putting the cart before the horse, though. You have only known him for 6 weeks and are already imagining a future with him, moving in, marriage. I would slow down and take a few deep breaths. You might be feeling extra heartbroken here because you put this all on a pedestal too soon without having a solid basis for it. 1
smackie9 Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 I took another look at the op, and I have a feeling he's making up excuses and is going to do the slow fade. I don't think he wants kids and I don't think he's looking for serious either. It's too late for him too....he will be an old dad at say 44 or 45. He's just full of $%^& 1
thefooloftheyear Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 This may be an unpopular view, especially among women, but a man's viability as a dad is probably higher than a typical woman's ability as a mom in the same age group... I am nearing mid 50's and am more fit and have more stamina than most guys 20+ years my junior...There are other guys in similar shape, so I am no unicorn by any means...I have a teenage daughter and have no issues, and while I wouldn't want to have a kid now, I could do it, and certainly could have easily up to age 50 or so. Obviously women have to carry the child and have a larger burden in the rearing, especially early on...I have a nephew that was conceived when my B/SIL were in their mid 40's..he was an oops kind of deal....Its been much harder on her than him, and while they would never admit to it, I can probably say it wasn't the best scenario... Its not that he is clueless or obtuse...I am not seeing that....He is saying out loud that time is running out and maybe you aren't the one and he may have to end things and find a younger woman...He probably already played out the scenario you did and it doesn't look good...Of course he wont tell you this, so he is probably just venting... TFY 2
smackie9 Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 I am nearing mid 50's and am more fit and have more stamina than most guys 20+ years my junior... These days that isn't hard to do...I'm a 55 year old menopausal woman that can out work any 20 something guy. In fact I work circles around them. They are huffing and puffing complaining about how tired not even halfway through the shift. I usually have to push them out of the way because they are dragging their feet....., and here's me lifting furniture onto a truck by myself. Then they go all boohoo-ing to my supervisor about it...saying I'm being mean pointing out how slow they are...oh boohoo. Egad it's this generation I tell ya. 4
Author melaniemelanie Posted August 3, 2019 Author Posted August 3, 2019 Yes, I didn't say I want children myself; I was asking more about men in general and wondering why they date older women if their goal in a relationship is to have children. To me, it just makes no sense. I suppose he is just not as informed about female fertility issues as I am. 1
Author melaniemelanie Posted August 3, 2019 Author Posted August 3, 2019 I would certainly have a lot to think about, regarding raising kids in my mid-40s. It wouldn't be something I would rush into at all. I do know that *some* women manage to get pregnant naturally, but I suspect with me (though I've never had any tests), that would not be the case.
elaine567 Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 Its not that he is clueless or obtuse...I am not seeing that....He is saying out loud that time is running out and maybe you aren't the one and he may have to end things and find a younger woman...He probably already played out the scenario you did and it doesn't look good...Of course he wont tell you this, so he is probably just venting... I think he must be clueless and obtuse, else he would not be newly dating 42yo women if his intention was to be a father... He started dating the OP only 6 weeks ago... So it has taken him all of his 43 years to suss out that older women may have difficulty conceiving and taking a pregnancy to term... The OP knew full well the scenario, she knew kids were unlikely. He, like the other 40-50+yo men the OP is encountering looking to have kids with her, must be clueless...
smackie9 Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 OP instead of wondering what his deal is on here, why not just tell him straight that kids are going to be unlikely due to your age. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 The OP knew full well the scenario, she knew kids were unlikely. He, like the other 40-50+yo men the OP is encountering looking to have kids with her, must be clueless... You obviously realize that there are a good percentage of men that tell women just what they want to hear to get some ass...Then they deal with the consequences later...Maybe the OP is a knockout with a great body...I dunno... I don't think its any more complicated than that...Maybe I am naïve, but I would think if you ask most guys on the street what the ideal latest age a woman should be to mother a child, I would think the overwhelming answer you would get is 34-37 or so... TFY 2
elaine567 Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 Yes maybe he is just looking for ass, but why then mention kids at all? Why not just fade and ghost like so many do, if he wants out? He maybe cannot attract these younger more fertile women, so is hoping to find a nice 40+ woman to have his kids... 42 is not too old and if they do hurry up the relationship as many do, then it may be possible to start seriously trying before the OP is 43... I know a couple who met in their thirties, within 6 mths they were moved in together and pregnant. 5 years later they are still as happy as Larry. They were both "ready", both knew what they wanted and went for it. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 While fertility for women begins to drop around age 30, women do have babies in their 40s. I have 2 sisters who had healthy babies mid-40s. I'd like to do it myself if I meet the right man. I think he was broaching the subject because he wants to know where you stand on having kids. I'm serious in relationships and date men who are the same, so this always comes up within the first few dates and we put it all out on the table. 99% of the men I date are older than me, don't have kids, would like to have them if possible but would be OK if not, and are open to getting serious with a woman my age. So we're on the same page: a great lasting relationship is our primary desire, and a family is second. Many of the men I date are open to adoption as a backup. Do you want kids or not, or are you undecided but open to it? Get clear with yourself and then you can be 100% clear with potential relationship partners. 1
snowcones Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 (edited) My first thought was that, like most men, he just started dating you because he was attracted to you and liked you and didn't think about much else. Now that you're 7 dates in and after sex, and maybe approaching getting serious, the logic is starting to kick in and he's realizing that he wants to have kids in his lifetime and this was his gentle way of warning you that he might fade on you, or ghost you, or worse, keep you around as the "fun date" until he finds a woman who can have kids to settle down with. But at least he warned you, so he can assuage his guilt. Edited August 3, 2019 by snowcones 2
Els Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 Men in general tend to be less aware of the effects of age on female fertility, I think, because it's not usually something they would have bothered to research as much as some women do. They see women getting pregnant at 45 and some of them don't really realize that that woman might have frozen her eggs or gotten donor eggs or tried 5 cycles of IVF to get there. Maybe you could be the one to educate him? Also, it is somewhat true that he is "running out of time" at 43, in the sense that he would be 63 when his child is 20. Sperm quality also does decline, albeit not the sharp drop that it does in women over 40.
basil67 Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 For all the comments about women being able to conceive in their forties, I was one who was perimenopausal in her late 30's and in full menopause at 42. If a woman really wants children, late motherhood is a risky proposition. 2
chillii Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 No of course not , it's really weird that he doesn't seem to realize all that stuff. Even more wierd supposedly being a pretty smart guy and with a dad that's a doctor. Find it hard to believe tbh. Anyway , looks like your gonna have to talk about all this stuff sometime soon, but l guess there's also always adoption too maybe or other things you might be able to look at together if things work out.
smackie9 Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 I think he's well aware and is talking out loud to send a message, that it's not going any further than it is. 3
Lotsgoingon Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 (edited) I'm going to step back and say the issue here isn't fertility of people in their 40s. The issue was the strange, passive-evasive way he broached the important topic of having children. How could someone make an offhand statement like that (that he's worried about being an old dad) to a 42-year-old woman? Something is off? ... and it's not just intellectual knowledge. His words are quite manipulative ... because he wasn't opening an honest dialogue about kids or finding out your view ... and he was passive-evasive in his own views. The people I know who are older and want to have kids ... simply own that: they want to have kids. They know how old they are. They just want to have kids. This guy makes this riddle of a statement that he doesn't want to be an old dad. Well, at 43, he is older than average, far older than average. So is he saying he wants to get you pregnant now? ... or that he wants to be a dad ... but worries about being old? I agree with Smackie that his words really could have meant that he doesn't want to be a dad but for whatever reason, he doesn't want to own that. He was trying to feel you out perhaps without offering his own view. That's a red flag all the way. Definitely red flag this ... slow your feelings down ... get super curious ... find out more about him ... and you gotta raise this issue with him and get clear what the heck he means. And assuming (from the way you speak here) that you don't want to try to have kids, you have to get your position out there--forcefully, unapologetically. Don't hang long with someone who talks this cluelessly, this awkwardly, this evasively-- on a topic as important as having kids. Not making any suggestion one way or the other about being 40 and wanting to have a child or to try to have a child. I was an "accident" and my mom had me at 43 ... which is about 53 in today's world. Edited August 3, 2019 by Lotsgoingon 3
kendahke Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 (edited) (have only read the OP, not the thread yet) he told me he feels rushed to make decisions in his dating life, as "time is running out". When I asked what he meant, he said time is running out because he doesn't want to be "an old dad." I'd of course wondered if he had wanted children, and why he hadn't yet had them with other women he's been in relationships for, but our conversations just hadn't led to THIS conversation yet.This is a conversation you're going to have to bring back up ASAP because if, in fact, he wants children and you don't, then this is going to end as a romantic relationship because both of you have to be on board for/not for children--anything else is unfair to the child. And he's a lawyer? He knows exactly what he's saying--he is a master at coralling a conversation because it's his job to do it. Get crystal clear on this with a quickness. Edited August 4, 2019 by kendahke
Author melaniemelanie Posted August 4, 2019 Author Posted August 4, 2019 Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I will definitely have to have a hard conversation with him about all of this, and may let him know that he was a little tact-less bringing up so sensitive a topic in a sort-of cavalier way (I've suffered a lot of pain having not found the right situation to have children in when I was younger). I'm hopeful that this won't be the nail in the coffin for him and I. He's been looking for the right match for about the last six years, and in that time certainly didn't find a younger woman who wished to date him, however I suppose that could happen at any point moving forward. I think I'll have to leave the decision up to him as to whether we continue dating or whether he continues his search for women who may likely be more fertile than I am. Outside of this one issue, I have liked him so much - more than any man I've met in years, so possibly ending things solely because of my age/fertility makes me so sad. :/ 1
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