Im going crazy, I did everything wrong!!(long story)

[Johnny2x4]

I am very new to dating and it was my first time in a "relationship". I am 21 years old and she was 2 years older than me. The first night we hung out alone was my apartment. I cooked dinner and right when she walks into my apartment the first topic, she talks about is her ex-boyfriend. I grew kind of uncomfortable and managed to change the subject. She then makes an excuse and begins to try and stay the night I let her, and we begin to start to kiss and all that jazz. I kind of hold back, because I just had an uneasy feeling about her. When the morning came, she leaves and when I asked if she wanted breakfast or something, she tells me that I have to tell her that I like or not. She then begins to scream at me over the phone to tell her the truth if I like her. I really felt nothing toward her as it was the first time we hung out and wanted to get to know her more before I tell her that. Idk why but I felt really pressured and said, "I’m not ready for something serious yet". She starts crying saying that I was rejecting her when it wasn't the truth. I felt really terrible for saying that and asked her to just take it slow and told her that I felt it was moving too fast. Personally, I thought it was just me overthinking it and me being an idiot. I mean we were graduating soon and we were in our last semester I was wondering where this was gonna go after and I tell her I am not all for just casual one night stands and she tells me she isn't either.

 

After talking it through, we eventually began hanging out and eventually were dating for the first month. It was like that conversation that I didn't want something serious didn't even happen. We went out to dinners, hung around campus (we were in school), she wanted me to meet her parents at her hometown, go to the movies and even introducing me to her friends etc. We had some crazy deep conversations about our lives she revealed some crazy secrets about her that you wouldn't normally tell someone who you barely know. When we would have arguments, she would quickly bring up the not a serious relationship thing and I would just feel pretty terrible for saying it. She pretty much treated me like we were exclusive, I think I was more trying to match and follow her lead which I guess was a bad idea. I was sort of enjoying it too almost making me change my mind of what I said about being super serious.

 

All that said, there were some negatives. I wasn't allowed to talk about other girls that were my friends, she tried to get me to delete other girls that were my friends on my social media. She accused me of talking to other girls, so I had to literally scroll and show her that I wasn't talking to anyone else. She would constantly hit me up when I was doing my homework or hanging out with my friends or doing other hobbies, requesting that I came over. I'd always make time, but it was secretly annoying me. She wouldn't let me leave her apartment sometimes and demanded that I spend the night. When I would say no, she would get really mad and text me saying that "I don't understand why you couldn't have stayed". I wasn't allowed to assume things me being I always had to ask. She yelled at me all the time about communication and saying that she can't read minds. She also claimed that she was Bipolar which I just went with but found it hard to believe. There were times when she would give me a silent treatment saying that she was mad at me for not texting her first some days.

 

I told my roommate this and he said she sounds needy and annoying and that I should cut her off, but I am a little bit too much of a "nice guy". Her Ex boyfriends always came up in the picture her showing me pictures of them and telling stories of what they did to her and how they were in the wrong. I became quickly needy myself, I told myself not to do anything to piss her off or I’ll end up on the bad ex list too. I began walking on eggshells, doing all these things so that It would make her happy in the long run and not yell at me (she yelled at my frequently for a lot of minor stuff) I tried to do things that separated me from her exes so I could be better than them which was so wrong and dumb of me. The last few times we were together I felt like she was using me. Made me do her chores around her apartment and makes an excuse to kick me out.

 

After like 2 weeks of not talking due to mid-terms and spring break, me thinking it’s over, but not allowed to assume things with her I decided to get back in touch. She picks me up from somewhere and I try to tell her that I felt like she was pushing me away and she wasn't into me anymore. She tells me that It's not the case, she says that It's because I never talk to her and that I need to text her first from now on. When I gave an example of the last few times, we were together she quickly cut me off and yelled at me saying she was going through some stuff and that her friend had passed away. I felt like I had been neglecting her and offered her my support saying that I would be there for her. She says she wants to be alone, but then tells me that she wanted to hang out at the library on campus or her house. I’m like a little confused as to what she wants and decide to leave her alone, but the next day she begins hitting my phone asking for favors and I do them even though I secretly think it was rude.

 

 

I still didn't really know what she wanted so I hit her up all week during the times we normally would hang out in the library to come. It was always an excuse saying she is not on campus or "tired" or not feeling well. by the end of the week I ask her If she wanted to link up this weekend and we would do something. She was again giving me excuses, but yells at me to stop thinking about it was an excuse. She then tells me we could hang out next weekend, and that to text her next weekend. I ask her, are you just not into me anymore and she says she is but she Is just tired and can't hangout and that she is going through some stuff. She gave me attitude and I tell her its fine I’ll hit her up next weekend. I do my own thing, go to class, hang out with my friends, do homework, and did my own hobbies. I come back a week later hoping she may be in a better mood. She still wasn't, she gave me the same excuse as before.

 

I admit, I started to become really angered and frustrated and this is when I became real "clingy and needy". I became more aggressive, and she became passive aggressive, and not really answering my questions making the situation worse and worse but caught myself and asked her if she really wanted to be alone. She starts responding to my messages again saying that she had been wanting to be alone and told me that from the start (true I was just a little confused). I told her I am sorry for bothering her with these messages and she said I wasn't bothering her. I tell her to just let me know when she's ready to talk/hangout. I again do my own things like hanging with my friends and what not.

 

Like a ton of days later like (8 days at least), I see her on campus, I don't know why I did this but, I go up to her making sure that she was ok. I was just checking in on her making sure that everything was good. She gives me a weird "IDK" answer and as I start to just walk away, she tells me to walk with her. She asks me what I am doing that night and all that, at the end of our conversation she says for me to text her after our classes. I do just that and again she still gives me excuses as to why she can't hang out. I even ask her why you told me to text you if you don't want to talk to me still right now. she doesn't answer me which I grew annoyed. I wanted to confront her about this behavior, because I felt she had been disrespectful to me all this time, so I do like at least 5 days later she ends up just ignoring and ghosting me. Normally the first time she did this I would have been just like forget it and try to move on, however she sent me social media messages throughout the week and even interacting me on social media just not responding to my text messages. So, I felt that I had to really try again, because she was really causing me a ton of frustration. The second time I asked to talk with her about how I felt she was treating me (5 days later after me trying to resist to drop it) she ignores me again. I lose it and get really mad; she then responds to my message and says that she wasn't at her phone and was with her friends. I just say whatever do what you need to do, and I try to move on getting the message that she didn't really care for me. knowing that she would give me another silent treatment if I even send her paragraphs calling her out for how I think she was treating me I just didn't think it was worth it and decide to just move on.

 

So, one MONTH later after 0 contact with her, I’m with my friends who some of them are actually acquaintances/friends with her and they ask how we two were doing. Me being still angry and stressed over this thing I let it all out and they start to agree, and they even go as far as to call her crazy/psycho/emotionally unstable. I was so mad about it that I tell them what she was doing to me and I agree on what they were saying about her being crazy.

 

 

Well big mistake cause a week later she comes up to me at the bar on pills and drugs drunk screaming at me saying that her friend told her that I told the friend that she was crazy. she said that I should have told her that she was crazy to her face. All this time she didn't want me to be there for her because I barely knew her(understandable). She said she was going to text me back when she was ready. If I truly would have cared about what she was going through I Should have respected her space. I told her I felt like she wanted nothing to do with me, since she had ghosted me for a month and thought we were done. She says she never said that and screamed at me for assuming and points me out for going up to other girls at the bar. She runs to her friends at the bar crying to them and tried to get them to be on her side. They weren't on her side which started to make her even more mad at me for some reason. What’s really wild Is that her friends came up to me and said they don't blame me for calling her crazy and they think the same thing too which I thought was crazy and kind of made me feel bad like I caused a big mess in this thing.

 

After that night I tried to talk with her again apologizing for what I did and did not mean to cause any drama, but she just dumps me and tells me we should both move on. I let all the stuff on my chest out and said I won't bother her anymore. a month later after the breakup she completely removes me from social media and cuts me from her life. I felt kind of trapped in this whatever we were. Knowing if I had moved on and she saw me with someone else saying that I wasn’t allowed to assume and throw a fit and scream at me and I was partially right. I guess with her, I felt that I needed some type of closure, but I know now it won't always happen.

 

My question is, is it fair to have me communicate everything when asked when she felt she didn't have to? People tell me girls aren't going to tell you what they really want and that I should basically get a feel for it which is what I did completely wrong. People also tell me to never assume stuff in relationships as well or else that's how they end up failing. When is it ok to assume and when is it not ok? I am so confused by this and keep beating myself up about how bad I failed.

[OnlyHonesty]

Your mistake, like many other guys was in having poor quality control and insufficient boundaries. After all of her bad behavior, screaming, passive aggressiveness, drama, games, talking about the ex, manipulation, and control....instead of discontinuing contact, you instead tried to solidify it. Why? most likely because she's female and attractive...

 

 

 

You, and other men need to start expecting more from women than just them being cute or female. There were more redflags than a Chinese brigade here. I started to list them but there were too many....

 

Having a simple boundaries of what you will, and will not put up with would have been a good start. There is one word that you need to learn to use when it comes to dating, and women in particular. And that word is 'no'.

 

You could have saved yourself a lot of drama by simply saying ''no''.

[Marc878]

You should have cut her off the first night.

 

She's cray cray and you can't fix her.

 

Go no contact or you'll be very sorry

[Sunlight72]

All that said, there were some negatives.

HAAAAAaaaaaaa ha haaaa haaaaaa haa haa ha

 

Thank you Johnny2x4 That was Beautiful!

 

I would offer advice, but I can hardly see the keyboard through the tears of laughter.

[Johnny2x4]

Your mistake, like many other guys was in having poor quality control and insufficient boundaries. After all of her bad behavior, screaming, passive aggressiveness, drama, games, talking about the ex, manipulation, and control....instead of discontinuing contact, you instead tried to solidify it. Why? most likely because she's female and attractive...

 

Like I said I was new to dating, Honestly I was a pretty lenient with her cause I know how she was. She said she was Bipolar and all of that so I wasn't really thinking that much of it, but you're right I should have just said no instead. It wasn't really because she was a female or attractive, I just was more lenient because I knew she had issues.

[Johnny2x4]

HAAAAAaaaaaaa ha haaaa haaaaaa haa haa ha

 

Thank you Johnny2x4 That was Beautiful!

 

I would offer advice, but I can hardly see the keyboard through the tears of laughter.

 

You're so funny, and you're welcome, awesome advice too! I couldn't have said it any better myself.

[Sunlight72]

I laugh because I've carried on even through red flags hitting me on the head too - but dude, you really waded into combat with a flag corps attacking you. She sounds like a cartoon character!

 

I am glad you are done with her. You are done with her, right? Like, if you see her in person you will tell yourself you do not know who she is and just walk past without even looking at her. If she calls or texts or messages you, you will simply ignore/delete it because she is now someone you don't know, right?

 

My advice going forward in your life is that until you are engaged to be married, or you are so serious and content with a woman that your two are living together, just take each moment, like each week, and ask yourself - is this good enough for me to enjoy one more week just like this? If not, find a way to break it off. If yes, then keep enjoying your time together and treat her well.

 

A general rule for you is, a relationship is as good today as it ever will be. It will not get 'better'. What ever it is now, this is the best. Will you still be happy when it's only 75% this good? After today, if the relationship is good it will be generally the same amount of happy vs. stress. If it's not so good (or it's a rough time) it will be worse as you go along.

 

What that means is that you don't go into relationships hoping it will get better. You just observe what it is, and decide if 'this' is good enough for you to repeat it the next week, or not. If it is not, then stop repeating it. Break up.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

[ExpatInItaly]

Your mistake was continuing to date her after that first night when she clearly showed you she is not stable.

 

You can't help her. Being "lenient" was not the answer, either. It was never going to be a great relationship, and this not what a normal dating experience feels like. I know you have nothing to compare it to, really, but this was incredibly toxic. You couldn't have changed the course of this for the better, because her many issues are not about you at all.

 

So when ask where you failed? It's not where you think. As we have all said, it was in not exiting stage left when you got the first inkling that she is emotionally unbalanced. In the future, do a better job identifying red flags and running away from them, not toward them.

 

Stay no contact. You will regret it if you don't.

[Calmandfocused]

Welcome to an abusive relationship - emotional and verbal.

 

The only thing you did “wrong” was not staying away from this woman after day 1.

 

Break the addiction and ensure you continue to stay away.

[smackie9]

HAAAAAaaaaaaa ha haaaa haaaaaa haa haa ha

 

Thank you Johnny2x4 That was Beautiful!

 

I would offer advice, but I can hardly see the keyboard through the tears of laughter.

I know, right?

[smackie9]

What I would have done: Never let them know where you live. Secondly, after her freakin out over the phone that first night, I would have replied with "Not now I don't! You blew it, now lose my number b@#$%."

 

You never ever entertain the idea of making it work/talk it out after something like that because they learn nothing...you just enabled that behavior making you look like an easy target to be taken advantage of/abused. No vajayjay is worth that. Plenty of other girls out there sonny.

[smackie9]

People tell me girls aren't going to tell you what they really want and that I should basically get a feel for it which is what I did completely wrong.

This^^^^ is the worst advice ever. As you get older, you will realize nothing will work unless you BOTH "communicate" well with each other. The realization will be that no one is a frickin mind reader and you can't feel for it. yes that is right you can't assume....but feeling for it, is simply assuming as well don't you think??

The only thing you did wrong was to dump her right on the spot that first night.....could you not see trouble was about to happen? I hope you learn the right lesson from this experience....run away from craycray.

Edited August 3, 2019 by smackie9

[Johnny2x4]

You think I gave her enough space? Cause that’s what she was mad about. I was trying not to be so clingy, but I guess I couldn’t help myself. I felt trapped in this whole thing. I felt maybe I shouldn’t have said I wasn’t ready for something serious. She gave me a real hard time about it and was using that against me when in arguments.

[ExpatInItaly]

You think I gave her enough space? Cause that’s what she was mad about. I was trying not to be so clingy, but I guess I couldn’t help myself.

 

You're missing the point completely.

 

This wasn't about space or lack thereof. This girl showed you right away that isn't stable. Trying to date someone like her is futile, because they will always find something wrong and create chaos - and blame you.

 

What you did or didn't do made little difference to the outcome here. You were never going to get a healthy relationship out of this girl.

[Johnny2x4]

How do I not be so needy, I felt whatever I did in this situation there was going to be drama. I felt like I played myself with her and I should have known better..

[OnlyHonesty]

How do I not be so needy, I felt whatever I did in this situation there was going to be drama. I felt like I played myself with her and I should have known better..

 

 

 

 

You cultivate your inner self sufficiency by getting to know yourself on a deeper level. When you eventually realize that you are unique, whole, and complete.....you stop being needy naturally. Good diet, meditation, training and building up your body, and reading / learning about your self and what you are all helps.

[preraph]

You learn wisdom and restraint. You can't always act on your feelings of spew your feelings without doing more harm than good, so you have to recognize your weaknesses and develop self-discipline and restraint.