Reluctant to live with boyfriend because of finances

[uncertainty50]

I have a very good bf for 7 years. I've not allowed him to move in because I'm always anxious about his money issues and I don't want to end up supporting him. He even wants to marry but I think that's out of the question. It's a real dilemma...

 

Like I said, he is loving and would do anything for me and my grown kids. He has a great personality and is family oriented. He works and collects social security but he can barely make ends meet but somehow does.

 

He is essentially breaking even at the end of the month...like $200 or $300 left in the account and that's a regular month. What happens if he needs a car repair etc.? He can charge it but then the bill will be due in a month.

 

He does have a modest savings account that he adds to each month by a few hundred dollars but given his age (late 60s) that won't make much of a difference in the end at least short term.

 

Because of this, I just can't say yes to living together but it is pausing the growth of our relationship for both of us. I would like to have a partner to live with (of course, it has to be the right one).

 

We came up with an amount he needs to pay me each month. He thought I'd accept something less than he pays now in rent and utilities and I said no b/c my households expenses are pretty high and I'll be paying about 75% of the expenses after his contribution but I earn a lot more. I don't know if I can even trust him to have enough to pay me this amount each month and if he doesn't, I feel I'll be angry unless it was something totally outside of his control. His idea was to pay me less and then take the difference of what he'd normally pay and set up an account for us to use for vacations and the like - just don't know if I can trust him to do that.

 

I'm a being too uptight or just realistic? Even with all of the chemistry and love, am I headed for heartbreak?

[BaileyB]

Seven years is a long time to spend with someone you don’t trust enough to want to live with or marry. Except, if you are later in life and what you are looking for is companionship.

 

If he pays his bills and has a few hundred dollars left over every month I would put him in the same category as... everyone else. Does he have a lot of debt or a poor credit history that would tell you that he is otherwise not good with his money?

 

You’re not wrong to be cautious if his income is such that he can’t cover a reasonable amount of the bills. Or, if he has a lot of debt. Or, if he has no other assets like retirement savings or owning a home. Those things, would give me pause. In fact, I doubt I would do it if he had no other assets and no retirement plan.

 

But, what about the savings you will incur by splitting the household costs? I would assume that you would both have a little extra for savings - given you won’t be paying two mortgages, two property tax bills, two water bills, etc...

 

What about reducing your household expenses, if they are so high? Either you are a team, or you are not. If you are going to live together, you are only as strong as the weakest link. Seriously, if you are in a situation that benefits you but not him, what kind of a partnership is that? And, what kind of a partner are you? If you live together, you will need to make compromises and make decisions that work for you both.

 

Look, I know how you feel - I just sold my condo, I’m moving in with my boyfriend next month and we are building a new home together. It was a HUGE leap of faith for me, someone who has only lived alone and has accumulated some fairly significant assets. But, I love the guy. And, we want to be together. We have worked out a way to share the costs, we are both saving money, we are getting a cohabitation agreement to protect our assets - it can be done... If you want to do it. It will only work if you trust him and if you value the life you share together.

 

That said, at a later stage of life there is no harm in continuing to date and keep your separate residences. Many people do that these days.

 

It’s entirely your decision.

Edited August 2, 2019 by BaileyB

[chillii]

Oh no , not this one again.

Anyway who cares it's only money at that age use it or lose it . lf the tables were turned you'd obviously expect him to look after you right , l love equality haha

[Simple Logic]

To have a meaningful relationship you cannot have problems with money, sex, religion, politics and life goals.

 

In you situation money and life goals are deal breakers. He does not have the income you require for you future goals. I am really surprised you wasted 7 years with this guy.

[chillii]

l think you just ruled out 90% of of relationships/marriages, the only ones left are perfect and l don't know too many of those.

Edited August 2, 2019 by chillii