My gf is poor. Our finances.

[chillii]

^ Did you miss the part where I said I'm pretty sure if I were a man, I wouldn't want to accept the risk of marrying a dramatically lower-earning woman, either?

 

I think anybody considering marrying someone who earns much less than they do should be very careful, as the risk is simply much greater in case things don't work out.

 

 

 

 

Yeah it is a pretty big thing these days for the simple fact most women work and set themselves up l met plenty doing real well back when l was single.

Unfortunately none the hit the spot where as my gf did but nope, she doesn't have much due to the way things have turned out, nother story.

Butttt, she doesn't want anything either and even if we marry she's happy to sign whatever she knows l've had to start over once already she doesn't want me there again.

But still , it is a really big thing for me and something l've been thinking about a lot and l must admit, l do wish she was better off financially because l've only just recovered myself.

Damn it though, apart from that we're perfect and 10fold better than anyone else l met before,

sadly one of those had 5houses, why couldn't l just fake it, huh !!!!!

[chillii]

Thanks everyone for your input.

 

There were a lot of questions asked, mainly about my attitude, my stinginess, or whether the love I feel is stronger than the monetary "cost" of the relationship.

 

My question here is motivated mostly by insecurity. In all my previous relationships, before I moved up in my career and was usually making less than my partners - money was a huge, huge point of contention. I remember once having to borrow money from my then girlfriend. It was then when all our troubles started, and even in couple's therapy she said she feels insecure because she didn't feel I was a good provider.

 

Literally 99% of the couples I know have the man earning significantly more than the girl. What I am afraid of is that if my earning powers disappeared, the whole thing would just come crumbling down.

 

I feel this strong biological imperative to be the provider, and it's nice, empowering, etc. but at the same time it clashes with the fact that it's not under my direct control, and also with the intellectual climate nowadays. We say that women should be completely independent, except: not really - we say it's alright for a woman to secure a place in a relationship with being caring, sexual and attentive, and for a man to secure that place with financial stability, drive, etc. I searched the internet for similar discussions, and the average answer is 100% dependant on the gender of the OP. Men get the answer: if you're stingy you don't really love her. And women: don't sell yourself short for a guy who can't provide.

 

 

 

 

Things like that are my worries too. Before my ex w earnt pretty good money and we always had each other for back up but with my gf l feel like it's all on me and l have no back up as a couple.

Mind you, she's just starting and online business and she could end up far wealthier than l ever dream so maybe l should just stf up right She's no idiot and on to a pretty good thing, never know. She also helps in my business a lot too and she's been a real god send so far.

Edited August 5, 2019 by chillii

[frus69]

So your problem is you dont know if she loves your money or you. Or if her love is conditioned (on money).

 

Unfortunately we dont have the answer. We dont know her. But generally the only way to avoid that situation is to find a financially secure woman. But it's too late for you to do that.

[chillii]

Don't like it but there are ways of shyt testing that stuff.

[schlumpy]

I searched the internet for similar discussions, and the average answer is 100% dependant on the gender of the OP. Men get the answer: if you're stingy you don't really love her. And women: don't sell yourself short for a guy who can't provide.

 

You can pass all the social oriented legislation your want. Create out of thin air psychological theories designed to build the next model of human being. Espouse all of the lofty soul inspiring ideals as to what the perfect relationship should look like. You will lose every time because you are up against millions of years of evolution that defines the core of human nature.

[Maggiemay1]

Thanks everyone for your input.

 

There were a lot of questions asked, mainly about my attitude, my stinginess, or whether the love I feel is stronger than the monetary "cost" of the relationship.

 

My question here is motivated mostly by insecurity. In all my previous relationships, before I moved up in my career and was usually making less than my partners - money was a huge, huge point of contention. I remember once having to borrow money from my then girlfriend. It was then when all our troubles started, and even in couple's therapy she said she feels insecure because she didn't feel I was a good provider.

 

Literally 99% of the couples I know have the man earning significantly more than the girl. What I am afraid of is that if my earning powers disappeared, the whole thing would just come crumbling down.

 

I feel this strong biological imperative to be the provider, and it's nice, empowering, etc. but at the same time it clashes with the fact that it's not under my direct control, and also with the intellectual climate nowadays. We say that women should be completely independent, except: not really - we say it's alright for a woman to secure a place in a relationship with being caring, sexual and attentive, and for a man to secure that place with financial stability, drive, etc. I searched the internet for similar discussions, and the average answer is 100% dependant on the gender of the OP. Men get the answer: if you're stingy you don't really love her. And women: don't sell yourself short for a guy who can't provide.

 

Do you love your gf?

Because your opening post raised the question by you if you should go on vacation alone because she can’t afford to?

Yet she is paying half for rent and utilities on 1/8th of your pay?

 

And then you talk about independance? She IS living independantly of you!

You could be a flat mate and she is still on a minimum wage paying her way.

 

She is not costing you anything on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. So what’s your problem?

 

What country do you live in where a man at 26 years of age can be earning 8 times the minimum wage?

[elaine567]

We don't know enough about OP's girlfriend from only one post to make that judgment on her intellectual abilities. He's got an agenda to spin on this, so his description of her abilities is sketchy from the jump.

 

I realise that, but it seems to be the "answer" is for her to suddenly be a high earner, when for some people that simply doesn't work. Some people are hard workers and go to school and still fail to get onto the higher earning ladder.

Plenty "graduates" are working as baristas and waitresses and work in call centres and are driving ubers... with little hope of improving their lot.

 

After years of school and a good job, she may still only be earning a 1/9 of his wage as by that time he may have been promoted to an even higher level...

[anika99]

It doesn't matter what other people think in regards to a man spending money on a woman, the problem here is that YOU decided to date and then move in with a woman who earns significantly less than you and now you're all pissy about it. If her low wages was going to be a big problem for you then why did you take the relationship this far? If you want a woman who can afford fine dining and luxury vacations with no help from you then don't date women who earn that much less than you.

 

And as another poster pointed out, this girl isn't using you for your money. She's putting in her share of everything and she's managing to do it on a very tiny income. She is independent and thrifty. She'll probably be a great wife and partner one day when she finds a man who really loves her. Maybe you should let her go do that and you can go find a woman who makes more money.

[Ruby Slippers]

Literally 99% of the couples I know have the man earning significantly more than the girl. What I am afraid of is that if my earning powers disappeared, the whole thing would just come crumbling down.

It's a basic fact of life that women select for good providers. And yes, it often happens that the woman leaves the man when he's no longer able to provide. It may be perceived as harsh... but so is life in the jungle for the animals. Biology is what it is.

 

Your best defense against this is to rein in all that spending on dinners out, vacations, shopping for expensive clothes, and all the other non-essentials, and instead use that big income to pay off all your debts, build up a solid emergency fund that would cover 3-6 months of living expenses in case of catastrophe, and begin investing for the future. Eventually you'll reach a point where you'll be financially secure and have a lot more freedom to spend as you like. At that point, you won't have to worry about things crumbling down, because you'll have a rock solid financial foundation in place.

 

My current guru is personal finance expert Dave Ramsey. He lays out a very simple plan that anyone can follow to get out of debt, save money, and build wealth. I've been working his plan for only a few months and it's changed my life. I now have a solid plan for retiring with more than enough money in my nest egg, and funding my big dreams all along the way.

 

I suggest you check him out.

[Redhead14]

The sex probably dwindled for one reason or another and now he doesn't think she's "worth it" any more . . .

[kendahke]

What I am afraid of is that if my earning powers disappeared, the whole thing would just come crumbling down.

 

Your financial planner does have you on a budget where you've been socking money away in an emergency fund, right? If you're making what you say you're making, you should be squirreling away any money not dedicated to your maintenance in vehicles to earn good interest and ROI. That would mitigate a lot of what you're afraid of... and what you're afraid of is a very manageable thing right now while you're at the peak of your earning potential.

 

I feel this strong biological imperative to be the provider, and it's nice, empowering, etc. but at the same time it clashes with the fact that it's not under my direct control, and also with the intellectual climate nowadays. We say that women should be completely independent, except: not really - we say it's alright for a woman to secure a place in a relationship with being caring, sexual and attentive, and for a man to secure that place with financial stability, drive, etc. I searched the internet for similar discussions, and the average answer is 100% dependant on the gender of the OP. Men get the answer: if you're stingy you don't really love her. And women: don't sell yourself short for a guy who can't provide.

 

And all of this could be alleviated by not living with women before you marry them.

[kendahke]

I realise that,

 

 

Good.

 

Ten characters.

[GoreSP]

I didn’t read all pages so pardon me if this has been asked but do you split finances 50/50?

 

I asked because if you make 8 times more money than her and are used to « a certain lifestyle » she certainly can’t keep up with maintaining her half of your lifestyle. Did not not have a conversation about this before moving in?

 

You say she couldn’t go to college because of her family situation but would it be an option now? Sure you would have to help her out for a few tears but then she can make more money after college and you can keep your lifestyle going without supporting her in the longterm.

[smackie9]

hey mr. money bags, if you really love this girl, why not help her through night school so she can get a better job...plenty of jobs in the healthcare industry that pay union scale, and the training doesn't take years.

[Els]

What I am afraid of is that if my earning powers disappeared, the whole thing would just come crumbling down.

 

Given that you've dated for almost a year and split everything 50/50 that entire time, it seems rather strange to me that this is still a concern for you. How long do you have to be together before you decide that she has "proven herself" sufficiently?

 

Look, if you don't want to be the breadwinner that's totally fine and your prerogative, especially if there are no kids in the equation (if you do decide to have kids you'd typically need to choose SOMEthing to sacrifice - your money or your career). But your reason is just illogical for a relationship of a year. Women who are with men solely for their money, don't stay for a whole year with a man who has never treated them to anything. In fact, you can typically avoid such women fairly easily by just not spending lavishly on them in the beginning - they tend to target not just men who pay for dates, but men who pay for LAVISH dates from the very start.

 

You are absolutely within your rights to leave her and seek a woman who earns at your level (although they will typically have expectations of their own that you might not fulfill). Just please stop making her pay to keep up with your lifestyle while complaining about her inability to do so.

 

 

I feel this strong biological imperative to be the provider, and it's nice, empowering, etc. but at the same time it clashes with the fact that it's not under my direct control

 

 

Nothing in the world is under your direct control except yourself. If you need everything to be under your direct control in order to be happy, you probably aren't cut out for a relationship with anyone.

Edited August 5, 2019 by Elswyth