My gf is poor. Our finances.

[BadDog1]

We are both around 26 and have been dating for almost a year now. We moved in together a couple of months ago. Now the problem is our finances. She works full time for a minimum wage, whereas I have a very good job and make literally 8-9x the amount she does, if not more on a good month. I have got used to a certain lifestyle, where I go out to eat often, go on trips, buy myself nice clothes, and have enough money to save etc. But the problem is, without my help, she couldn't do any of these things. And simply giving her money seems wrong, and not doing these things would make me resentful.

 

She never went to university due to her difficult family situation - she had to take care of her grandparents when young, so she never really started or trained for a career. It's hard to imagine her getting a better job now without a massive effort, both in terms of education cost and time needed.

 

Where I live, minimum wage is not enough to live on. There is a huge discrepancy between salaries. On the lower end of the spectrum, it's not uncommon for people well into their 30s to still live with their parents for financial reasons. For example, she doesn't have a private dental plan. She got a toothache, and was forced to either live in extreme pain or get money from me, because the cost of the treatment was MORE than her monthly salary. In my country, if she wasn't living with me, most likely she would be getting help and money from her parents. It's the sad reality here.

 

What should I do? On one hand I wouldn't feel bad about being the main breadwinner, but then again I don't have the heart to expect her to take care of the home, as she works even longer hours than me. We don't have kids, so being stay at home mom is not an option.

 

Do you guys simply give your partners money if you earn more than them, and they can't afford healthcare, etc? If not, how do you manage to do things like travelling, hobbies, etc.? Should I do these things alone? Her salary is so low that splitting rent and utilities takes the most of it - so I couldn't really plan for anything cheaper.

[oldtruck]

When I was a young man it was nice to think how lucky it would be

to find a rich girl to marry me. I realized that not being rich I would not

travel in those social circles I would never get to date Miss Rich.

 

Also finding a woman to date and marry her ability to earn money was

never a requirement. Initial looks pulled me in to see if she was a good

person, good head, good heart, honest, shared same values.

 

I saw it as my duty to support us. If a man can earn enough to not need

his wife to work then I would have no problem for her to be a SAHM when

the children are in school.

 

Also if her income was needed I would expect her to work. To help our

family out.

 

Once kids are old enough a wife should work to help out now and for our

retirement.

 

Her willingness to work is important, not how much she can earn. Same

for me. I want her to marry me for me not how much money I can earn.

[grays]

I wonder if there’s some way for you to help her work towards a career. If you’re thinking of being together for the long term, it could be a good investment that will come back to you. And even if you don’t end up together in the long run, this is a person you care about and maybe it’s a worthwhile thing to do anyway?

[Maddie82]

Firstly, cut her a bit of slack here and stop judging her on her minimum wage job. At least she has a full time job. She's been through allot in her time so she doesn't need her boyfriend making her feel worse by bringing up these things. What happened to loving a person for who they are rather than for what they got, or in her case what she hasn't got? It's not a good idea to base a relationship on money. Its the root of all evils.

[PegNosePete]

stop judging her on her minimum wage job

I don't see any judging going on. Just trying to find a solution to the income disparity, which is the cause of many, many breakups!

 

If it were me, I wouldn't want to give her money either. That would be a bit tacky to me and set up a bad dynamic. Better is to find a way of managing your joint finances so that she can afford to keep up with your lifestyle, without it feeling like charity. The first step is to make sure you can both discuss it openly and maturely.

 

I will suggest the same thing I often do when couples move in together. Keep your salaries coming into your individual bank accounts, but open a joint account for joint expenses such as mortgage/rent, groceries, bills, eating out, etc. You can contribute to the account in proportion to your earnings: if you earn 8x her salary then for every $100 she pays in, you pay in $800. This means you can both simply and conveniently pay for joint expenses, whilst keeping your individual accounts for individual purchases such as presents, clothes, games consoles, etc.

[basil67]

When I met my now husband, I earned far less than he did. He paid for a lot of the outings and I paid for some... but working out the math proved too hard. So after I moved in, we got a joint bank account and paid everything from houshold bills to entertainment from it. We'd only known each other for about 8 months at that point, but for us, it seemed the right thing to do.

[schlumpy]

I've always made more than my wife but she has always put in as much effort as I have. It was our mutual attraction that brought us together. We complement each others strengths and weaknesses. Money has never been an issue between us and we've always operated our lives out of a joint account.

 

Money is certainly an important factor in life and not to be ignored but there are other qualities of equal value. Where money can get you things in life and certain amount of physical security it won't provide the companionship and the handholding that's necessary to get through your life.

 

If you don't love her let her go and find someone you do love but don't measure her worth in currency.

 

Best Wishes

[basil67]

Schlumpy, are you my husband incognito? And why are you here instead of football sites?

[schlumpy]

Schlumpy, are you my husband incognito? And why are you here instead of football sites?

 

I will take that as a compliment Basil but I don't recall in any of your posts where your husband was an old peacenik folk guitarist.

 

I was once into football pretty heavy at one time. Knew all the players names, stats, went to the games but then the teams started losing half their players every year. I couldn't keep up with it and lost interest. Gave me lots of free time, so here I am.

 

Best Wishes to you and your husband

[Els]

Countries where the minimum wage is insufficient to survive on (I come from one of those) are a really, really rough place to be. Especially for a woman - I don't know where you live, but I know of plenty of developing countries where it's not illegal to discriminate against a woman for hiring in a good job, especially because the idea is that a man will take care of her anyway.

 

Do you guys simply give your partners money if you earn more than them, and they can't afford healthcare, etc? If not, how do you manage to do things like travelling, hobbies, etc.? Should I do these things alone? Her salary is so low that splitting rent and utilities takes the most of it - so I couldn't really plan for anything cheaper.

You don't have to literally give someone money if you want to help them out. Just split the rent/utilities based on your income rather than 50/50, and treat them for any activities/traveling that you want to do with them.

 

If you don't want to help them out, that's also your prerogative. But personally, if I loved the person and it wasn't just a casual dating thing (and not a laziness thing either), I would. Heck I'd even help my friends from the country of my origin out, if they'd accept it (they refuse).

[Mr. Lucky]

I will suggest the same thing I often do when couples move in together. Keep your salaries coming into your individual bank accounts, but open a joint account for joint expenses such as mortgage/rent, groceries, bills, eating out, etc. You can contribute to the account in proportion to your earnings: if you earn 8x her salary then for every $100 she pays in, you pay in $800. This means you can both simply and conveniently pay for joint expenses, whilst keeping your individual accounts for individual purchases such as presents, clothes, games consoles, etc.

 

Exactly what my wife and I initially did. I made multiples of what she did and, as a teacher in a low income district, she spent more on toothbrushes, lice control products and student lunches than she brought home. So we each paid our proportionate share.

 

When and if you get more serious, it will probably just become “our” money...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Simple Logic]

You have several options.

 

1. Deny her money as a mater of principle.

2. Give her money.

3. Help her pay for and complete an education to improve her position in life.

4. Get a new GF.

 

If you are serious enough to move in together, #3 is you path. If she is not interested in #3, go with #4.

[BettyDraper]

There's nothing wrong with wanting a partner who has similar education level and earning power.

 

When I was in the corporate world, my husband made more than double what I did. I earned more than minimum wage and I had excellent benefits. However, the income disparity was large. My husband is old fashioned so he enjoyed treating me to his lifestyle.

 

Everyone is entitled to have their own standards for a relationship. I don't think you and your girlfriend are compatible because finances can cause huge conflicts. You and she haven't been together very long. If you aren't happy with the income disparity, it would make sense to end the relationship sooner rather than later. I would recommend that you give your girlfriend enough money for first and last month's rent so that she doesn't have to struggle to find a place.

Edited August 2, 2019 by BettyDraper

[BettyDraper]

I wonder if there’s some way for you to help her work towards a career. If you’re thinking of being together for the long term, it could be a good investment that will come back to you. And even if you don’t end up together in the long run, this is a person you care about and maybe it’s a worthwhile thing to do anyway?

 

The OP has made it clear that he doesn't want to part with his money.

To be honest, I don't think it's fair that he makes his girlfriend pay 50% of the expenses when the income difference is so much.

 

OP, I would suggest dating women who don't mind being with a man who wants to keep all of his money for himself.

[elaine567]

...how do you manage to do things like travelling, hobbies, etc.? Should I do these things alone?

 

Really????

You had a relationship with and moved in with a girl who makes 1/9th of your salary.

Now you are resentful of the fact she can't pay for the finer things in life without you paying for it.

Seems she is paying half the rent and bills which leaves her, despite working full time and long hours, with nothing...

 

What did you think would happen here? She would be able to magic money out of the air?

 

Richer men get involved with poor women usually so that they can take care of her, they do not get involved then selfishly spend their own money on stuff for themselves, and leave her destitute, paying a half share of rent and bills she cannot really afford...

 

Many people in low paid jobs are there for a reason. Some are not capable of improving their lot, they do not have what it takes to go to school, to get promotions, to get into higher pay streams. It just doesn't happen.

 

The OP needs to either accept they are a team, "What's mine is yours", and he stops the resentment and penny pinching, or he dumps her, and goes and finds a gf who can afford to keep up with his spending aspirations...

[BettyDraper]

Elaine, I agree with you but I also do not think that the OP deserves to be shamed because he doesn’t want to take care of a woman. Men are not required to provide for women and people can be selfish if they want to be. I don’t think that selfishness is healthy in a relationship but others may not feel the same way.

 

The OP just needs to find an equally affluent woman who is fine with paying her own way.

[Amethyst68]

Why did you move in with her in the first place? I'm pretty sure you must have noticed what she did for a living during the time you were dating and her standard of living. Did you think this would magically change just by moving in with you?

 

I agree with everyone who said keep your finances separate but open a joint account for household expenses. Work out how much it costs a month including rent/mortgage etc and then each pay in the proportionate amount, not 50/50.

 

Instead of posting on here asking if you should vacation alone because your GF can't afford to go, why don't you help her plan to better her job prospects.

[elaine567]

Betty, no-one said a man has to take care of a woman, but in a relationship that has reached the stage of moving in together, then there has to be some sharing and pooling of resources, else they are just flat mates with benefits.

A man or woman for that matter who is saying "I'm all right Jack", or I need to go on expensive trips alone, whilst the other is in dire straits, IS being selfish, especially when the salary difference is 9 fold... Is that what love looks like?

Yes if sharing his financial resources with a poorer relationship partner is not in his make up, then yes he does need to go find a new more affluent gf.

[oldtruck]

Elaine, I agree with you but I also do not think that the OP deserves to be shamed because he doesn’t want to take care of a woman. Men are not required to provide for women and people can be selfish if they want to be. I don’t think that selfishness is healthy in a relationship but others may not feel the same way.

 

The OP just needs to find an equally affluent woman who is fine with paying her own way.

 

No, Elaine had it right.

Not everyone has the ability to make it big financially. This

girl works full time doing her best.

 

Years ago men did not date and marry women for how much

money they made. Marrying a woman that just happen to have

a high income was seen as a benefit not the goal.

 

When women did that they were looked down upon and called

gold diggers.

 

The OP is a gold digger.

[BettyDraper]

No, Elaine had it right.

Not everyone has the ability to make it big financially. This

girl works full time doing her best.

 

Years ago men did not date and marry women for how much

money they made. Marrying a woman that just happen to have

a high income was seen as a benefit not the goal.

 

When women did that they were looked down upon and called

gold diggers.

 

The OP is a gold digger.

 

Gold diggers want affluent partners to take care of them.

The OP does not want to be taken care of. He just doesn’t want to share his income with anyone.

[major_merrick]

There's nothing wrong with being a provider, and I don't get why the OP would resent that his GF is working but doesn't have much money. What's the big deal?

When I first had my GF#1 move in with me, I had a good job, plenty of money, and my own house. I never asked her to spend a dime - I took care of almost everything and she just banked the money she made, except for whatever little items she wanted to buy for fun.

 

Now that I live with my husband and he makes more than I do, he takes care of almost everything and I bank the money I make. I try to help out, but mostly I just sit on my salary. And so do my GFs. My husband has no problem taking care of my needs, just like I have no problem taking care of my GFs. Once you're living together, the money is mostly in one pot anyways. We are mostly aware of what money we have and how we spend it, even though we don't have joint accounts. It hasn't been "your money" and "my money" for a long time.

[Arieswoman]

BD post #31

 

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting a partner who has similar education level and earning power.

 

 

 

I agree

 

 

Everyone is entitled to have their own standards for a relationship. I don't think you and your girlfriend are compatible because finances can cause huge conflicts. You and she haven't been together very long. If you aren't happy with the income disparity, it would make sense to end the relationship sooner rather than later. I would recommend that you give your girlfriend enough money for first and last month's rent so that she doesn't have to struggle to find a place.

 

 

This is sound common sense ^^^

 

 

Apparently money issues are the second most common cause of divorce in USA

 

 

When I was married to my first husband I earned more than he did. He did very little to help out about the house as he said he was 'too tired' from his shift work. It caused no end of arguments.

So I asked to to get off shift work so he wouldn't be as tired. He did and guess what, he still refused to help out. The marriage fell apart quite rapidly after that as I realised I was married to an entitled, selfish, lazy, bum.

 

 

He's now married to a girl on the minimum wage who picks up after him and he is saddled with most of the bills

 

 

When couples choose to live together unmarried it can cause a whole host of financial problems if they split. In UK it is possible to draw up a 'Cohabitation Agreement' to protect both parties. There must be something similar in USA?

[chillii]

But once again , try doing the same post with him only earning the 8th , every women here will say run a mile, she doesn't wanna support him she wants her lifestyle wants her holidays doesn't wanna part with one penny.

Make of it what you will op.

Me , my woman doesn't earn very much either , it is a tricky one especially knowing the attitudes and double standards if it were the shoe on the other foot.

[elaine567]

He's now married to a girl on the minimum wage who picks up after him and he is saddled with most of the bills

Paying bills wasn't your husband's problem.

His problem I guess was that household chores were not his job -> woman's work.

Now he just pays the bills and can be as lazy as he wants to be... he doesn't need to lift a finger...

He has a "paid" housekeeper - being minimum wage she has little option but to comply...

[Foxhall]

this scenario would have been quite common in the "old days" I suppose and no one complained.

 

I guess the obvious question here is do you really love her, if you do, you may not be as bothered about the financial outlay of treating her to a holiday and so on,

 

you could look at it too, you do not want to see her work long hours for low money, you want her to do better for herself in that regard,

 

if you are earning enough to comfortably support the two of you, would you not encourage her to return to education and give herself a chance of a higher paid job.