free2bme Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 I recently met a very nice man 10 years younger than I. I'm 36 and he's 26. He's in his last year of college. We've talked on the phone every morning and every night for 3 weeks and then met in person. We met in a public area and talked for 3 hours. I was totally oblivious as to what was happening around us. I found him fascinating. He suggested we go to his apartment and continue to talk, which we did. The conversation continued for a substantial amount of time. Then the kissing and petting began. I felt so connected to him. He told me I was amazing, beautiful, etc. He told me that he wished I could stay that night but had to drive home which was an hour and half away. He seemed genuinley interested. I surprised him 4 days later on a Saturday night at his apartment, and he was totally flustered. He was flattered that I had just showed up, but flustered that he wasn't prepared for me. We spent the night together and I left the next morning so he could go about his day. We had plans to spend this evening and all day tomorrow together. But he calls me this morning and says he needs time to think. He assured me it wasn't me. He needed to decide what he wanted from our relationship. He's never been in love and has never had a serious relationship. I have 2 children. Why is he backpeddling? Does he have feelings and is he trying to sort them out? Have I scared him away? What did I do wrong? I'm hurt and confused. I probably should bow out and give him room. Help!
Copingsaw Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 Your 'suprise' probably scared him. Most men want some control over the beginning stages of a relationship and you took that away from him. He's probably also wondering if he wants to get involved given that you are older and have two kids. He is doing the right thing by trying to figure it out now. You need to give him space to do so. If he bows out of the relationship, better you know now than in two months. I guess you could call him or email or something to let him know you are still interested but whatever you do don't show up at his door again
fusangite Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 I surprised him 4 days later on a Saturday night at his apartment, and he was totally flustered. He was flattered that I had just showed up, but flustered that he wasn't prepared for me. We spent the night together and I left the next morning so he could go about his day.Men have a bit of a different relationship to their domestic space than women do. We tend to have lower standards for housekeeping and also tend to treat being at home as a time to let it all hang out. Entering a man's home unannounced is a highly intimate thing to do in this society, more so than many sexual acts are considered to be. Also, many people do not like unplanned social engagements; if I am going to see people, I want plenty of notice so that both I and my space are prepared for them. His reaction, therefore, was completely normal.We had plans to spend this evening and all day tomorrow together. But he calls me this morning and says he needs time to think. He assured me it wasn't me. He needed to decide what he wanted from our relationship. He's never been in love and has never had a serious relationship. I have 2 children. Why is he backpeddling?You know why. You stated it one sentence ago. Your post is really asking, "Will the fact I'm a mom wreck my chances with younger guys?" And, of course, the answer is "sometimes."Does he have feelings and is he trying to sort them out? Have I scared him away? What did I do wrong?I think you confronted him with the idea that he would lose independence and control of his life if he got into a relationship with you. The dropping in thing probably made him kind of spooked -- he's not just imagining you turning up and taking over his day whenever, he's imagining your family doing that.I'm hurt and confused. I probably should bow out and give him room. Help!Give the guy a chance to think.
Author free2bme Posted September 27, 2005 Author Posted September 27, 2005 Your posts have been very helpful. I guess I expect too much too soon. Although he prefers older women and knew I have children, it probably hit home a little too close too quickly. I wish I could rewind the clock. I had good intentions and saw things going differently in my head.
HotCaliGirl Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 I agree that it probably spooked him a little bit that you just stopped by unannounced, after only having met once before in person. That would make me feel uncomfortable if a guy stopped by unannounced on a Ssaturday night, after we had met for the first time just a few days earlier. (I wouldn't even let him in!) He is probably imagining you stopping by in the future with your children and might need to thik if that's something he's ready to have in his life, at a time when he's about to finish college and has other things maybe he'd rather spend his time on...but wait and see what his thoughts are.
Author free2bme Posted September 30, 2005 Author Posted September 30, 2005 He asked for time. I've called him and left messages and have sent a few emails. I'm not giving him what he asked for. Am I blowing it? He's not returning my calls. I don't know what's wrong with me . . . I'm self-assured, confident, attractive woman and totally hung-up on this guy. He does it for me, and now I'm afraid he's gone. He told me he would call eventually. Was that a line? Did you play me?
fusangite Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 He asked for time. I've called him and left messages and have sent a few emails. I'm not giving him what he asked for. Am I blowing it? He's not returning my calls. I don't know what's wrong with me . . . I'm self-assured, confident, attractive woman and totally hung-up on this guy. He does it for me, and now I'm afraid he's gone. He told me he would call eventually. Was that a line? Did you play me?I'm so sorry about how things went. My condolences. He's not returning calls beause he probably feels guilty and bad about himself for choosing not to be with you. So he is avoiding a painful conversation. Whatever you do, you must stop calling and e-mailing him immediately. No good whatsoever can come from you continuing to contact him. It will just cause him to want to avoid you more and it will make you feel pathetic and out of control. So, take control, stop calling and lick your wounds. Personally, I found your post heartening. It's nice to know that successful women with kids occasionally do go for younger guys whose lives are less together. It gives me hope.
Author free2bme Posted September 30, 2005 Author Posted September 30, 2005 I appreciate your post. It made me smile . . . it's been awhile since I smiled. Felt good.
Author free2bme Posted October 5, 2005 Author Posted October 5, 2005 I've left a few messages via voice mail and email asking him to call me or email me so I can move on. A reason as to why he wanted distance would help me a great deal to rectify my feelings and start over. Is he not responding because a) he doesn't want me to move on and/or b) he's needs more time before talking with me. I've been thinking he's not responding because he dislikes me and wants to be cruel. I assured me he was different and wouldn't hurt me as other men had in my life. He was sincere and seemed very honest. My point is I have been viewing this as a rejection when maybe I should be approaching it as a sign of hope . . . or am I just deperate. LOL Any thoughts?
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