h0000 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 My bf is not a petty person, definitely not vindictive either, but it just seems he has this habit of jumping to conclusions/making accusations which are completely not true. For example he will say "you broke my glasses!" when really it's his niece who visited earlier. Or "you used my xxx (insert any personal hygiene stuff)!" when in fact I just didnt leave mine out. So they are small things, I dont know what he really feel about them because after my explanation, he'd always be like "awwww sorry I was just winding you up! " But I feel angry when Im wrongly accused. In those circumstances I would not jump to those conclusions about him, but he would me? Anyhow...how do you guys think?
Arieswoman Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 hooo, You need to sit your bf down and tell him how his behaviour makes you feel, see what his responses are, and take it from there....
preraph Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 He sounds like a childish asshat who needs to take responsibility for his own stuff. For example, he shouldn't have left his glasses laying around with a child in the house to prevent that happening. I guess you feel petty fighting over these things, but you better jump up his butt each and every time he does it and then ask yourself if you really want a lifetime of this nonsense. 3
Tamfana Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 People who are cocked and loaded all the time are an emotional drain. My mom, who now lives with me, is like that. Given the choice, I personally avoid the type. Too fragile. 3
Versacehottie Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I agree ^^^ it's a childish way to communicate. Lack of restraint, impulsive, lack of communication skills. It's minor stuff but a lifetime of this, even a month of it would get exhausting. It's the TONE and the way he's constantly putting you on the defense. I think you should explain how it makes you feel, give him some constructive advice on how to communicate this same content to you without accusations. it could be a great growing point for you both as a couple. I don't think you should expect 100% perfection--after all, it seems like he's been like this for a while and he's still who he is at some level even with better behavior. Plus not to allow for a little leeway, presumes you are 100% right and cannot allow some joking (i agree with your assessment that most of the time it isn't likely) but no one wants to be with someone who can't let up a little and take some things with some humor/not so seriously. You guys need to find a balance that works for you and is fair and accurate. The communication style improvement should help when you get to bigger issues as well. I hope he can do it.
Author h0000 Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 Would I look ridiculous if I get all serious over petty things like this, also I dont want to look like I cant take some jokes. Because I cant tell from his tone how serious he is when he say those things. He doesnt look that annoyed. But maybe he is, I dont know. I want to talk to him but in a lighthearted way. Would it be a good idea to ask him why he would think that about me and then tell him to not do that anymore? And that's it
preraph Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 he will no doubt try to make you look like the petty one for standing up for yourself on this stuff and that is called gaslighting. so before you do it go look up gaslighting and be prepared to counter argue him on it. And it doesn't surprise me at all that he's one of those only joking kind of guys. You need to remember what Freud taught us. If it came out of his mouth it was in his brain first. those people who are always having to say they're only joking and then acting like you're the idiot for not getting the joke are not good people. I have serious worries about this guy. He's a jerk. 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 He sound crazy af lmao He may be doing it on purpose to get a rise out of you. And that’s not attractive behavior. So I would do the following. If this was his only major flaw then how I may decide to handle it is control my own emotions. “You used my bodywash!”. Just calmly say “nope” or “wrong” “or “not me” “I didn’t”. Don’t even give him your attention by looking at him. Continue to play on your phone or something as you say it. It may not be fun anymore to him that your not giving his toddler actions attention with a shocked “I didn’t do it I promise!” Type reaction. He may lay off. Every time he accuse about different things just calmly tell him the fact and keep it short without giving him your full attention. If he doesn’t make it a fight afterwards and he is an otherwise good boyfriend well then you can deal with his crazy random Tourette like outbursts lol. However if after you tell him “Not me” and he continues to make it a fight then you simply don’t feed it with your emotions and I advise you not tolerate him trying to make it a fight. Shut that down quick. He may say after your response “yes you did!”. Then Give him a warning “I already told you I didn’t and I am not going to say it again” or “I told you the truth I am not going to argue with you” or. “If you don’t trust my word then its a problem” Say it calmly. Again don’t give him attention as you say it. Give him the opportunity to back off. If he keeps on arguing? Then he is a truly a petty toxic little boy and I would breakup. “I can’t be with a boyfriend who doesn’t trust my words and start fights so let’s breakup”. Unfortunately he may take you serious then by the time you breakup and it’s yours prerogative to give one more chance or not at all. If you don’t want to breakup yet an alternative is to walk away or leave his presence if he keeps on making it a fight after your warning. But unfortunately if he keeps on then I would definitely breakup. Or you could just go ahead and breakup and skip all of that if there are other red flags you haven’t shared with us in this thread But that’s how I would handle it 1
Tamfana Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 Would I look ridiculous if I get all serious over petty things like this, also I dont want to look like I cant take some jokes. Because I cant tell from his tone how serious he is when he say those things. He doesnt look that annoyed. But maybe he is, I dont know. I want to talk to him but in a lighthearted way. Would it be a good idea to ask him why he would think that about me and then tell him to not do that anymore? And that's it You sound afraid, intimidated. Are you walking on eggshells? Do what Versacehottie said. Why he does it doesn't matter, IMO. With my mom, I said, "You're jumping to negative conclusions about me. Give me the benefit of the doubt." She has a bit of dementia so she made a sign for her bedroom that says, "give people the benefit of the doubt." 1
Saracena Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 My bf is not a petty person, definitely not vindictive either, but it just seems he has this habit of jumping to conclusions/making accusations which are completely not true. ? This would be a definite deal-breaker for me, since it's one of my pet hates. To me it's a serious character flaw, I'm afraid! Jumping to conclusions, making snap judgements is bad enough but lashing out as well makes it doubly worse IMO! I worked with someone like this once. She was much older and more senior to me and worked (with us) part-time, so not fully aware of everything that went on in the dept. This didn't stop her making snap judgements and going around accusing people of things she perceived they did or didn't do. Awful neurotic little person who nearly drove us all mad with her wild accusations! Never once occurred to her to get her facts straight before lashing out!
Author h0000 Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 Im not walking on eggshells. I just dont like confrontation or things like that, over petty things. It's not because he makes me afraid. He doesnt keep arguing when I say "it not me", he doesnt keep asking either. He says sorry but he also says he's only teasing... It's more like "you broke my glasses! very careless ! " "no I didnt. it was your niece" "Oops, aww, im sorry. I was just teasing " and then gives me a hug/kiss and we'd get on with our life. Sometimes I dont mind it, like the glasses. Sometimes it gets me. Depends on the things he "accused". But it was never a big deal. But it has happened a few times now and I kinda..prefer it not to happen again.
mortensorchid Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 He sounds very childish to act like this. Tell him at some point how this makes you feel and you want a different communication. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 (edited) Im not walking on eggshells. I just dont like confrontation or things like that, over petty things. It's not because he makes me afraid. He doesnt keep arguing when I say "it not me", he doesnt keep asking either. He says sorry but he also says he's only teasing... It's more like "you broke my glasses! very careless ! " "no I didnt. it was your niece" "Oops, aww, im sorry. I was just teasing " and then gives me a hug/kiss and we'd get on with our life. Sometimes I dont mind it, like the glasses. Sometimes it gets me. Depends on the things he "accused". But it was never a big deal. But it has happened a few times now and I kinda..prefer it not to happen again. Probably because you don't like confrontation is part of the reason this is happening to you. Not blaming you, just being honest about the circumstances, i.e. do you really think he would continue to do it if he got checked?!?!? haha I'm serious. And maybe if you want to deal with it lightheartedly or let some things slide, you can still have a sassy, funny comeback for when he is out of line. If i were in your shoes, I would speak to him calmly but directly first. He can't correct behavior that he doesn't legitimately know is a problem for you. Maybe if you think of it that way it will feel less like confrontation. It's EXPLANATION for how you like to be treat and expect to be communicated with. I definitely agree with a softer approach, in all kinds of conversations that put people on the defense, that helps. Secondly, my advice during these type of conversations is just to speak from your point of view and ask questions of him. No accusations, even if something does hurt you. It doesn't give a person a place to come back from and makes them feel bad--as you are well aware from his silly little accusations. The goal is to come up with a solution. Apart from a sassy comeback when it happens after this conversation--because it will, he's not going to change overnight & it's a re-learning his habits--maybe come up with a funny word to break the ice and also as a signal to STFU, lol. Like even you can agree upon the word in this conversation. Like "you broke my glasses!!"..and you say "hogwash!". It's so stupid, it's funny and let's him know how ridiculous he's being and that you won't really stand for it. Plus it's a reminder word. It could be whatever word is funny and specific to you two. Anyway you shouldn't be scared or walking on eggshells. It's kind of bullying-ish people that talk like he has been, which actually lets you know how impulsive & irrational he is. Actually let it go on much longer and that mindset just behind his portion of it, is extremely unsexy and definitely you shouldn't be scared to lose a great guy if he can't better himself, especially from this. It's embarrassing....on his part. Think about it: it's like he's throwing an adult tantrum. ugh Want to give him the benefit of the doubt however and make sure you aren't being overly sensitive and can let some leeway on some things. Especially if he grew up with all or mostly brothers or only child, he might not relate in the way we are traditionally conditioned too. Guys are a little rougher with each other. Ok good luck Edited August 1, 2019 by Versacehottie
Gretchen12 Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 You are not a match. It seems he is joking but you are serious. If someone said "hey! you used my toothbrush!" I would just say "yup! I used it, and it wasn't to brush my teeth". 2
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 I went through something similar with my ex-husband. In the beginning it was 'cute' and I would laugh and played along BUT after years together doing this...?? Ugh. It wasn't even close to being funny anymore. It wears very thin very quickly. Like your boyfriend, whenever he saw me getting defensive or upset, he would interject that he was "just joking". Like WTF? Why do you want to wind me up ALL THE TIME?? It's one thing to do things occasionally - your sense of ha ha remains intake just fine - but doing something consistently and regularly that is intended to fire you up time and again is a whole other thing entirely. Not cool. Then when you react unfavorably, they try to gaslight you like YOUR the one with the problem. It was exhausting and was often the catalyst for many arguments between us over the years. All you can do is have a serious sit down about what is acceptable and what is not. If he continues to do this even after your talk(s), he's showing you that he's not considerate nor respectful of your feelings and THAT is a problem. 1
kendahke Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 Would I look ridiculous if I get all serious over petty things like this, No, you nip this petty mess in the bud before it flowers into an invasive bush you can't get rid of. You NEVER look ridiculous standing up for yourself or standing sentry to your boundaries. What will look ridiculous is you after 10 years of him berating you and accusing you of whatever is going on in his fevered imagination. Him no longer getting a charge over petty things will turn into much bigger things--like you cheating on him or going behind his back on something. also I dont want to look like I cant take some jokes. Because I cant tell from his tone how serious he is when he say those things. He doesnt look that annoyed. But maybe he is, I dont know. Understand the difference between being the butt of a joke and being accused constantly of things you didn't do. The universe can fit in between the difference. I want to talk to him but in a lighthearted way. Would it be a good idea to ask him why he would think that about me and then tell him to not do that anymore? And that's it Any talking you do with him has to have "I" talk, how you felt after being accused of something you didn't do, and then how discounted and irrelevant his dismissal of his offensive talk was to you and that it has given you serious reason to re-evaluate some things. Then tell him you'd prefer it if next time he loses something to ask if you've seen it and thoroughly retrace his steps, not accuse you of taking it. Then observe his behavior over the course of the next few months. If he's giving you lip service, saying he'll stop but he keeps on doing it, then that's a pattern of behavior he isn't willing to fix and you're going to have to decide if you want to put yourself (and possible future children) through this on a daily basis til the day you die, marriage being til death do you part and all... 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 It's more like "you broke my glasses! very careless ! " "no I didnt. it was your niece" "Oops, aww, im sorry. I was just teasing " and then gives me a hug/kiss and we'd get on with our life. Sometimes I dont mind it, like the glasses. Sometimes it gets me. Depends on the things he "accused". But it was never a big deal. But it has happened a few times now and I kinda..prefer it not to happen again. oh well if thats it then you have to choose to deal with it in a way that keeps you sane or make it a deal breaker. so as far as "dealing with it" you can either clap back out of humor, ignore him, or give him a short response not giving him attention if this is the hill you want to die on and you require the behavior to stop well then you talk to him about "babe when you accuse me even when your teasing it makes me feel xyz. I would really appreciate it if you dont accuse me and instead ask me". if it were me and it was just the way he jokes and thats his only flaw and he is an otherwise amazing bf then I would just deal with it lol
Curiousroxy86 Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 You are not a match. It seems he is joking but you are serious. If someone said "hey! you used my toothbrush!" I would just say "yup! I used it, and it wasn't to brush my teeth". :lmao:
preraph Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 It's not good when a man wants to make you feel bad and enjoys it. 3
Author h0000 Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 if it were me and it was just the way he jokes and thats his only flaw and he is an otherwise amazing bf then I would just deal with it lol Yeah I kinda feel like that. So I actually talked to him and basically he said he was only joking to get a reaction out of me. He doesnt mind if I really broke something or used his stuff. Also he doesnt really know why but he finds it cute to tease. He also said sorry, so I think there is no ill intention and it's not that serious of a matter. Sometimes it happens through texts and I can misjudge his tone, and thought he was seriously accusing me. If it happens face to face I can easily tell he was just joking. I think I will let it go. Next time I will just joke along! :p
preraph Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 Next time, tell him, I thought we talked about this and you understood that I don't enjoy it and want you to stop! I mean, he knows you're offended by it, but you intend to just keep letting him do it, knowing he knows you don't like it??
Author h0000 Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 Im not offended if it's a joke, not a blame. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 2, 2019 Posted August 2, 2019 See that's one great thing about working on communication and not seeing everything as confrontation--even if you feel in a way that you are telling him something you don't like about him or it feels confrontational--I think this has helped you grow yourself. You observed how you were feel, thought about it, took action to communicate & sounds like you did it effectively. I think he will be more careful about his joking or accusations with you and you also have learned how to lighten up and not be overly sensitive. That's good for this relationship and any other relationships you have. So in a way, having to face this negative thing and choosing communication, you've better yourself and probably your relationship as well.
Curiousroxy86 Posted August 2, 2019 Posted August 2, 2019 As long as he is light heartedly joking like you described and after you respond doesn’t try to make it a fight then this is one conflict dealt with and resolved imo If he does try to make it a fight or take it too far by being mean or distant then be sure to shut that down like I mentioned before Good luck op
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