LoveSong Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 Ok...I went back to my LDR. (distance = 2hrs) I realized I loved him, and no matter who I was with, he was on my mind, and I couldn't let go of him. He claims that he feels the same way. My problem is that in order for me to see him, I have to visit him. Since June, he has not been able to visit me for one reason or another....most of the time it's a legitimate reason, but I'm just getting tired of it. I just want him to show me that he's putting effort into this and not just with me when I make it convenient. Before we got involved, I knew he was involved in a sport that took up a lot of his time. He warned me of this, and I went into this relationship knowing this. What I didn't realize is that everything else that got neglected because of this sport would fill up the rest of his time. I'm always welcome to visit him, and blend into his life, but he has yet to become a part of my life. This past weekend, he was supposed to visit once again. Sat night he fell asleep. (Got home at 7:30pm from sport and he had been up since 3am with less than 5 hrs of sleep) Sunday his child ended up in the ER. Valid reasons, but after 4 months of excuses.....I'm numb. Today I offered to meet him for lunch because I was in his area. He said he would love to, but couldn't because it was a bad day at work and he couldn't leave. I just don't know what else to do. I'm considering ending it so that I can make room in my life for someone else that will have the time to spend with me. It's not what I want, but I feel he is leaving me no other choice. Any thoughts on what I should do?
GreatToBeHere Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 Mmmm a difficult one. I feel that from what you have said, it is apparent that he is not really putting in much effort. Perhaps you need to talk to him and explain your side of things and see what he says. If this doesn't change the situation then you need to make a decision on whether you are keen to continue the relationship in this way. I think that if he does not have the time to put into the relationship, you will end up feeling hurt so my suggestion would be to move on.
Author LoveSong Posted September 27, 2005 Author Posted September 27, 2005 Hi GreatToBeHere- thanks for the reply. I have tried talking to him. We had the same arguement last month. He says that I shouldn't take it personally because he really does care, but he just hasn't had the time. (That statement irritates me because he's had time for another sport, his boat, going to a buddies house, his exwife & her family, not to mention the real obligations he has for his kids and his work.) Now, knowing it's been a rough week, he didn't even bother to text or call me last night, nor have I heard that he's sorry, and would like to make it up to me for this past weekend. Normally this would not bother me, it's just because of the rest of the picture that I'm irritated. Everything is great if I don't expect anything from him in this relationship, but the minute I ask for a little in return....he makes me feel like I'm a nag. This situation is starting to make me feel like I'm high maintenance, and I HATE IT!!!
fundamental Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 You should drop your expectations and stop inviting him over...stop saving your time for him...go do your own thing... and he will make more contact with you. Either that or break it off because he is not meeting your needs.
RecordProducer Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 I think the one that can afford the time to travel should travel. But if he generally acts in a less attentive and afectionate way than you would want to or if the travel costs are a problem for you and he doesn't offer to pay for your expenses then I understand your concerns. Just the fact that you only visit him doesn't mean you should break up, but only you can feel if he genuinely loves you or he is just taking advantage of your readiness to visit him. I agree with Fundamental. If you make up your own reasons (say you're busy or tired), you will see if he will come visit you or will be willing to live without you for a month or two.
Author LoveSong Posted September 27, 2005 Author Posted September 27, 2005 Hi Fundamental & Recordproducer---thanks for your thoughts. I've tried the "keep yourself busy approach", and that just resulted in me not seeing him for a month. The only reason that we even saw each other at that point was because we had already made plans for the long weekend. <-which revolved around his sport, but I can't complain because it was such an awesome weekend! I don't sit around waiting for him....I keep myself busy with a sport of my own, my friends, my son & his activities, and work (and bonus-football is back on!!). It doesn't help any, though, because it only caused him to accuse me of cheating, of not caring anymore or of just losing interest. I was formulating my "I can't take this anymore" speech this am, when he surprised me with a call. I know he cares, but am I really expecting too much thinking that he could come visit me atleast 1 time in 4 months?!?! Atleast 3 times he could have made it for sure, but we started fighting over something he did/said, and I wonder if he picked a fight to avoid coming down?! And why is it, that I have to keep myself busy in order to spend more time with him? Wouldn't it make more sense to make time to see each other since the frustrations build from not seeing each other?! must be guy logic.....
tanbark813 Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 I think he's making it pretty clear how important you are to him. Everyone is busy and we prioritize our time accordingly.
RecordProducer Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 We had a very similar case here with a member called FoolishDriver. She would drive for 4 hours to see her BF every weekend and felt frustrated about it. Finally she told him he should come visit her too and he got mad. Eventually she figured he was not into her as much as she was into him and he broke up with her. You can look for her posts here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=58605 I think your main goal should be to determine whether he loves you or is just using you as a convenient doll to play with. And the only way for you to discover this is to back off. if he runs after you - he loves you. If not... well you know the answer. It's easy to care when you don't need to involve any effort. My BF flies from the US to visit me every 3 months on average and spends many hours every day talking to me on the phone, although he is a very busy man and runs a company. When somebody pays enough attention to you, you can feel it.
suegail Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 I think I would just tell him flat out, "if you want to see me, you make the calls, you make the time, you make the plans. You know I'll be there and I will never let you down, but it has to be your call because I will not do this anymore." because I really think he needs to be more considerate. No time for a lunch date? He couldn't have at least offered that you come to his workplace and have a cup of coffee with him? Or you couldn't have grabbed something to eat after his work hours? Doesn't he even stop for a tasty freeze? what's the matter with this guy? He ain't right...maybe not for you, that is.
Author LoveSong Posted September 29, 2005 Author Posted September 29, 2005 Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement. Tanbark- you've summed up what I'm afraid of....I know he's busy, but I do believe that he should be able to put me higher on the list of priorities. Suegail-you worded it perfectly! I want him to understand that I don't want to give up on him, but I don't want it to be like this anymore. Recordproducer-wow! I do have a similar situation as Foolishdriver! I'm not worried about being alone without him, but I do fear that I may end up without my friends if I keep spending all my weekends at his place with his friends. I think your guy needs to give my guy some lessons!!! Well, this am I texted him (cause I didn't feel like talking to him) and asked him to come down tonight or tomorrow night. (Something I have never done-especially during the work week!) I'm so aggravated with the situation that I drew the line in the sand and dared him to cross it!! His response: Couldn't tonight cause he has to work. He would try for tomorrow night, but he was planning on coming down on Friday (that was news to me!!!) Told him I had plans (which I do), but then I decided to call him on his bluff. Told him it wasn't definate, and I could change them cause I would love to see him on Friday night. (Go ahead...try to say I backed out when you offered!!!) I then asked him how long he intended to stay, etc. Haven't heard another word from him....
RecordProducer Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 I think your guy needs to give my guy some lessons!!! I was hesitant about whether to mention my case or not and finally realized that when we're presented with an example of a good case, we can make the difference. I had put up with a lot of crap in my life simply because I didn't know any better. I settled for less in three relationships until I met my current guy. In my opinion there are two things people shouldn't settle for: a partner that is intellectually on a lower level and bad treatment (includes anything from lack of affection and attention to infidely and abuse).
Author LoveSong Posted September 30, 2005 Author Posted September 30, 2005 Ok....he says he's coming down tomorrow night....care to make any wagers? What will the excuse of choice be this weekend?! I know that if he doesn't show.....I'm done. But I also wonder, what if he does?! Will I have to get to this point again to get him to come visit?! For once, I would just love it if a guy could appreciate what he has instead of testing how far he can push things before they snap!!
Author LoveSong Posted October 1, 2005 Author Posted October 1, 2005 OMG!!!!! He's on his way down!!!! Thanks for listening......I'm sure this is a momentary high cause it'll be the same story in a couple of weeks......
Author LoveSong Posted October 4, 2005 Author Posted October 4, 2005 OK. He came down....it was great! He left Sat night (late) cause he had to be up early Sun, and he has texted me 4 times since then. After one of his texts (whatcha doin?), I tried to call. He didn't answer the phone but texted me a few minutes later with a few words about his day. Just seemed kind of odd... Sometimes I wonder if these are just little jestures to shut me up. Or maybe I'm just overanalyzing this situation.....
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