beautifulearth83 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Hello, Haven't posted here in awhile. I will try to keep this as short and concise as possible. So, I met a girl at the beach, we hit it off, laughed, talked, danced (was a DJ on the beach), and I drove her home. We met up later that night. We kissed, made out, held hands, ate together, etc. She mentioned taking me home with her, but that her roommates were nosy, and asked if she could come to my place, but I couldn't have her over for reasons I'll explain later. I ended up dropping her off at home. The following days, I stayed in touch and made a few efforts to reunite with her in person, but she always seemed to have something going on, and didn't seem to show the same enthusiasm. One night, at 3:30 A.M., she called me, drunk as a skunk, and said that she had just been hanging out with "a guy she really, really likes", and that it didn't go well. She was afraid that she had said too much to him about her past. She was crying and starting tell me all about her past, how she'd been raped and abused. She said things like "I'm just a whore. I'm broken and nobody will ever want me". I of course told her that isn't true and just listened. The next day I reached out just to see if she was alright. She apologized for calling me, saying she got more drunk than expected. I said no worries, and proposed hanging out again. No dice. So I only reached out to her once after that to say hello and get a conversation going, she responded right away, but I still wasn't feeling the same enthusiasm/interest, so I just stopped reaching out. I gave it a week and ended up writing her a letter via email, just to say that I'm here if she ever needs a friend to listen. I meant this genuinely, because at the very least I would love to have her as a friend, because I thought she as a cool chick and we have some things in common. Nonetheless, I haven't heard from her, and that's ok. I can't control people, places and things, but I'm just left sort of confused with a lot of questions. Was she just looking for somebody to have sex with that night, then used me for emotional support when she was drunk? Is it something I said or did? I couldn't take her home that night, because I'm staying with my parents right now until I can get a condo. I dunno if me staying with them was a deal-breaker or what. Or if maybe I just came on too strong or seemed to eager, or if she is just dealing with all of that internal stuff and can't deal with anything serious right now and is just distracting herself with random hook-ups and fleeting experiences. When we were on our date, she said she liked me, and I told her the same. And I guess I just thought it meant more than it really did. It kind of ****ing hurts, because I really liked her, and she just seems like the kind of girl I've always wanted to be with. And now there's nothing I can really do. I feel like I've exhausted all my resources. I would appreciate any input and perspective. Regardless of the outcome this has been a learning experience for me. 1
Silver_star Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Judging from your thread she sounds like she is not in a stable place to date anyone... 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Was she just looking for somebody to have sex with that night, then used me for emotional support when she was drunk? Is it something I said or did? Yes, pretty much. You put the cart before the horse in assuming she was just the type of girl you would want to be with. You barely know the woman, OP. I get it felt good in the moment, but she is essentially a stranger to you. One date is nowhere near enough to decide she is a great match for you. Let this one go. She apparently has a lot of issues she needs to sort out and dating her would likely not have gone well. 3
OnlyHonesty Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I really liked her, and she just seems like the kind of girl I've always wanted to be with. Guys, Ive said it before, and I will say it again. You all need to have much higher standards, higher expectations and better quality control. You do not know this girl, and in the short time you've been in contact, she's used you for emotional support, lost control and called you drunk in the early hours, and she was open to have sex with a complete stranger in their home. None of this behavior is stable or healthy and she's exactly the kind of girl you've always wanted to be with? This is the issue with far too many men, absent standards. In the mean time, a lot of women will pass you over for wearing sandals. 3
preraph Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 You did nothing wrong. She has issues. Big issues, it sounds like. She needs to deal with them in therapy, no doubt. But the biggest hindrance to you -- she is focused on this other guy. He is breaking her heart, but she is carrying a torch for him. You know, I'm going to say most women have a guy they would drop just about everyone else for, a crush, even if they are also seeing other guys. The fact she reached out to you as a friend to unload on would have rapidly stuck you into the friendzone if it had continued. I mean, you meet one time and she's already calling you in the middle of the night drunk to moan about the guy she's interested in. Who isn't you, unfortunately. 2
Versacehottie Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I think yes, first and foremost, she is using you for emotional support. I'm guessing that the night she met you, it was exciting to her and she felt important with the attention of the DJ. Whenever someone is the center of attention in his professional environment and a social-professional one like yours where it has some cool status, a lot of girls will be overly intrigued by that. For lack of a better word, it's somewhat like they are using you for your status. Maybe hoping word will get back to the guy she likes or for a night she will feel important or have a chance at something better than the guy she is hung up on. Overall I think once the alcohol wore off the first night, she went back to being straight up hung up on the guy. In the meantime, she's discerned that you really like her. So then she gets realllllly really drunk and uses that you like her for emotional support. But instead of appreciating it or even being a little drawn toward you and conflicted, she is still not giving you attention while in her sober mind. So I'm afraid, you've done all you can do. She is not in a place to date at the moment and there are some questionable character things going on there, like potentially a user. I think for your own sake you should let it go completely. I don't see this turning into a good thing for you. Just due to the way she is. *don't think that you living with your parents was the deal breaker. If anything, i.e. that she was thinking longer-term or relationship or was simply super hot for you, it would have been no problem at all (you are preparing for a better future, one that is more relationship-friendly--girls don't usually have a problem with this IF they like you). If it did play into her feelings about you, it is only because she is thinking what she can get from you on a one night basis or very short term or what status you convey to her by liking her in public or what jealousy you provoke by liking her in public. That's why her private dealings with you are different than that first "public" night. I'd bet that this is what is going on. Sorry that this has happened. You deserve better. Good luck
ridgerunner1965 Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 Well she likely is a broken mess. Is that what Yu need in your life? She prob got drunk again fffed sum dude ND now is ashamed. Raped girls are not worth messing with . It messes up there head and if they don't get help they won't be any good to you
Author beautifulearth83 Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 I think yes, first and foremost, she is using you for emotional support. I'm guessing that the night she met you, it was exciting to her and she felt important with the attention of the DJ. Whenever someone is the center of attention in his professional environment and a social-professional one like yours where it has some cool status, a lot of girls will be overly intrigued by that. For lack of a better word, it's somewhat like they are using you for your status. Maybe hoping word will get back to the guy she likes or for a night she will feel important or have a chance at something better than the guy she is hung up on. Overall I think once the alcohol wore off the first night, she went back to being straight up hung up on the guy. In the meantime, she's discerned that you really like her. So then she gets realllllly really drunk and uses that you like her for emotional support. But instead of appreciating it or even being a little drawn toward you and conflicted, she is still not giving you attention while in her sober mind. So I'm afraid, you've done all you can do. She is not in a place to date at the moment and there are some questionable character things going on there, like potentially a user. I think for your own sake you should let it go completely. I don't see this turning into a good thing for you. Just due to the way she is. *don't think that you living with your parents was the deal breaker. If anything, i.e. that she was thinking longer-term or relationship or was simply super hot for you, it would have been no problem at all (you are preparing for a better future, one that is more relationship-friendly--girls don't usually have a problem with this IF they like you). If it did play into her feelings about you, it is only because she is thinking what she can get from you on a one night basis or very short term or what status you convey to her by liking her in public or what jealousy you provoke by liking her in public. That's why her private dealings with you are different than that first "public" night. I'd bet that this is what is going on. Sorry that this has happened. You deserve better. Good luck Thank you! I wasn’t the DJ, but I get what you’re saying. There are a number of red flags here for me, but at the same time I truly care about the girl. I also wouldn’t have minded getting laid, and I was hard on myself for not following through, in more of an egotistical way I suppose, but looking back on it, I see that it is probably good that I didn’t sleep with her, because then maybe I would have become even more attached and followed her down a rabbit hole of despair, wondering where she is and who she’s with, etc. - and a relationship would probably be full of chaos, mistrust and pain, and the fact that she drinks and gets high so much really probably wouldn’t have been compatible with my sober lifestyle. Regardless, I am still somehow able to convince myself that I screwed up a good opportunity, but that may be my own self-esteem, and maybe I just need to broaden my horizons.
Author beautifulearth83 Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 Well she likely is a broken mess. Is that what Yu need in your life? She prob got drunk again fffed sum dude ND now is ashamed. Raped girls are not worth messing with . It messes up there head and if they don't get help they won't be any good to you Thanks. Yeah I guess I just wish that she would have communicated something to me. I don’t like being left to wonder, though I have probably done that to other people. And with the rape thing, I feel a lot of empathy toward her, but I can’t fix her, though I wish I could. I just hope she finds the help she needs, because she deserves to be happy, and underneath it all I think she is a really kind soul.
Author beautifulearth83 Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 Guys, Ive said it before, and I will say it again. You all need to have much higher standards, higher expectations and better quality control. You do not know this girl, and in the short time you've been in contact, she's used you for emotional support, lost control and called you drunk in the early hours, and she was open to have sex with a complete stranger in their home. None of this behavior is stable or healthy and she's exactly the kind of girl you've always wanted to be with? This is the issue with far too many men, absent standards. In the mean time, a lot of women will pass you over for wearing sandals. Thanks. I think I needed to hear this. And it is likely a self-esteem issue on my part. I just seem to get so fixated on the amazing person I believe them to be, and feel a great loss if things don’t work out.
Author beautifulearth83 Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 You did nothing wrong. She has issues. Big issues, it sounds like. She needs to deal with them in therapy, no doubt. But the biggest hindrance to you -- she is focused on this other guy. He is breaking her heart, but she is carrying a torch for him. You know, I'm going to say most women have a guy they would drop just about everyone else for, a crush, even if they are also seeing other guys. The fact she reached out to you as a friend to unload on would have rapidly stuck you into the friendzone if it had continued. I mean, you meet one time and she's already calling you in the middle of the night drunk to moan about the guy she's interested in. Who isn't you, unfortunately. Thanks. That’s why I removed her from social media, deleted her number and stopped reaching out. I don’t want to be anybody’s “just in case” or orbit around them. I’m worth more. I know it. I just need to start acting like it and stop wearing my heart on my sleeve so much.
Versacehottie Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 Thank you! I wasn’t the DJ, but I get what you’re saying. There are a number of red flags here for me, but at the same time I truly care about the girl. I also wouldn’t have minded getting laid, and I was hard on myself for not following through, in more of an egotistical way I suppose, but looking back on it, I see that it is probably good that I didn’t sleep with her, because then maybe I would have become even more attached and followed her down a rabbit hole of despair, wondering where she is and who she’s with, etc. - and a relationship would probably be full of chaos, mistrust and pain, and the fact that she drinks and gets high so much really probably wouldn’t have been compatible with my sober lifestyle. Regardless, I am still somehow able to convince myself that I screwed up a good opportunity, but that may be my own self-esteem, and maybe I just need to broaden my horizons. Oh shoot, i misunderstood that you were the DJ. Still same concept though. I think she was trying to dull her pain in a public place and way but what she really wants to do comes out when she deals with you privately: she leans on you emotionally, talks about her ex, is sloshed and needy, ignores you and doesn't accept your invitations. I don't think you could have done anything better to change this outcome: she's not emotionally available. And in light of you being sober and her excessive drink at times AND drugs, well, this isn't good for you. How could you say this is a "good opportunity"? Just as a outsider looking in--this is far from that, like the opposite Even if this was just a negative snippet of her life, it was one night so you really don't know her in spite of some chemistry, which can blind you. Broaden your horizons, work on your self-esteem--if you don't know you deserve better than this, I'm telling you: you deserve better than this. Good luck 1
Author beautifulearth83 Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 Oh shoot, i misunderstood that you were the DJ. Still same concept though. I think she was trying to dull her pain in a public place and way but what she really wants to do comes out when she deals with you privately: she leans on you emotionally, talks about her ex, is sloshed and needy, ignores you and doesn't accept your invitations. I don't think you could have done anything better to change this outcome: she's not emotionally available. And in light of you being sober and her excessive drink at times AND drugs, well, this isn't good for you. How could you say this is a "good opportunity"? Just as a outsider looking in--this is far from that, like the opposite Even if this was just a negative snippet of her life, it was one night so you really don't know her in spite of some chemistry, which can blind you. Broaden your horizons, work on your self-esteem--if you don't know you deserve better than this, I'm telling you: you deserve better than this. Good luck Thank you. I think that maybe it is because I haven’t felt that way with anybody in awhile. I’ve had a pretty bad run of it as of recently, and the way things came together for us that day was pretty magical, until it wasn’t, of course. Regardless it has given me an opportunity to look inside myself. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 Thank you! I wasn’t the DJ, but I get what you’re saying. There are a number of red flags here for me, but at the same time I truly care about the girl. How is this possible when you basically don't know her? I understand having basic human empathy and not wanting to see another person hurting. But OP, you are talking about this girl as if you've known her a long time. You met her once. I think you are confusing the rush you got from her attention with genuine feelings. It would be wise to step back, take a breath, and learn to better distinguish lust and hormones from true relationship potential. You projected a lot here, in terms of what you wanted this to be, rather than seeing it for what it really was: a one-night stand (so to speak) with a troubled girl who is hung up on someone else. Do you tend to get attached quickly when you date, my friend? 2
Author beautifulearth83 Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 How is this possible when you basically don't know her? I understand having basic human empathy and not wanting to see another person hurting. But OP, you are talking about this girl as if you've known her a long time. You met her once. I think you are confusing the rush you got from her attention with genuine feelings. It would be wise to step back, take a breath, and learn to better distinguish lust and hormones from true relationship potential. You projected a lot here, in terms of what you wanted this to be, rather than seeing it for what it really was: a one-night stand (so to speak) with a troubled girl who is hung up on someone else. Do you tend to get attached quickly when you date, my friend? Thanks. I guess I must. I kind of feel like I don’t know what the heck I’m doing to be honest. Yeah, I wouldn’t mind casual sex, but also think I crave connection and meaning, so maybe it’s just time I focus on other things in my life for awhile and see what comes. I don’t really feel like I’m ready for another relationship, yet if I get intimate with somebody, I suppose it sort of fills that hole inside of me and they become my world or something. Maybe I need to be filling that hole with God, or with self-care and love. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 I think we all crave connection and meaning, so nothing unusual about your desire for that. The problem is that you can't fast-track it. It takes time to build a real connection and dig deep into someone's true character. One night together cannot provide you anywhere near enough substance or information to do so. Be careful about assuming some stranger is everything you ever hoped for in a girl; that's a very risky proposition built on quicksand. Slow down next time, and get to know the girl before making any assumptions about whether or not she would be great for you. You were constructing an ideal out of thin air here, but you can take this lesson forward with you next time.
OnlyHonesty Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 Thanks. I think I needed to hear this. And it is likely a self-esteem issue on my part. I just seem to get so fixated on the amazing person I believe them to be, and feel a great loss if things don’t work out. You projected your desire for connection, love, loyalty, intelligence and fun, onto a girl that was attractive. You convinced yourself she was all of those things and enjoyed how it made you feel. But it was just a fantasy. Some women do it in a slightly different way......they fall in love with 'being in love', rather than be in love. Everything begins within, but most people are searching without.
stillafool Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 One other thing is listen to people when they tell you who and what they are. She said she's a whore when she was drunk. She knows who she is despite the sexual abuse. This could be why she isn't with the guy she "really, really" likes. There's nothing wrong with forming a connection and intimacy with a girl it's just this was the wrong type of girl. Change your picker. 1
Author beautifulearth83 Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 One other thing is listen to people when they tell you who and what they are. She said she's a whore when she was drunk. She knows who she is despite the sexual abuse. This could be why she isn't with the guy she "really, really" likes. There's nothing wrong with forming a connection and intimacy with a girl it's just this was the wrong type of girl. Change your picker. Thanks. A lot of that makes sense to me, and I think I’m beginning to understand what happened a bit more. I was flirting with life and that brought me to her. The only reason we met was to have sex, and when I didn’t follow through, I was hard on myself and it was a blow to my ego. While all of this happened, a bunch of my own issues that I haven’t been facing surfaced. At this point, I attempted to form a bond with her that she wasn’t looking for, and was perhaps looking to her as the solution for my unchecked issues and shattered ego. So the voice inside me says “you couldn’t follow through with this girl, so you are not as good with the ladies as you think you are, so you should probably just stop trying”, unless of course she gives me another chance, because she’s my “salvation”. It was a learning experience nonetheless. I just feel like I need to get back to myself and find a way to build myself up to where my shortcomings aren’t roadblocks that keep me from proceeding with life with at least some bit of optimism. I made an ass of myself, and so did she, so whatever. I do feel sort of guilty for blocking her on Instagram, but I couldn’t bare see her posts or know that she is looking at mine. I could easily get into hoping she sees my osts and likes them and I would get false hope, etc. So obviously I have some **** to work on. We probably would have been insane together lol Sorry for the rant. I’m really just trying to use this experience to learn as much as possible.
gaius Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 I have no idea what level of interest she had or why she met you but for most women once the door to sex is opened if you don't step through whatever interest there is will fizzle out. It shows that you're not really that into her. If you were you wouldn't have been able to stop yourself. Also, her whole spiel about another guy and being a whore blah blah blah was just designed to get rid of you. Women are in general the stronger sex and most of what they do is designed for effect. You'll probably never know what she really thinks about herself, but if in the future you take female actions and words as being shaped for effect, rather than some form of raw truth, you'll end up in a much better position.
Author beautifulearth83 Posted August 5, 2019 Author Posted August 5, 2019 I have no idea what level of interest she had or why she met you but for most women once the door to sex is opened if you don't step through whatever interest there is will fizzle out. It shows that you're not really that into her. If you were you wouldn't have been able to stop yourself. Also, her whole spiel about another guy and being a whore blah blah blah was just designed to get rid of you. Women are in general the stronger sex and most of what they do is designed for effect. You'll probably never know what she really thinks about herself, but if in the future you take female actions and words as being shaped for effect, rather than some form of raw truth, you'll end up in a much better position. Thanks I appreciate that. I’m kind of glad that I didn’t sleep with her because it may have been an even bigger mess, but I do regret making an ass of myself. I wanted her, but I had all these conditions set in my mind for how that would happen, when I probably could have just thrown her in the backseat or taken her to a hotel. Instead I just threw myself under the bus and made everything really serious and heavy. She just wanted to have a good time and I ruined it. So yeah it’s a learning experience, and maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, but I’m still just so hard on myself and I’m trying to get out of that.
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