confused_gf Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 So I have a unique dilemma. I've been told I'm an attractive woman, but since puberty I've never felt comfortable in my own skin. I have quite a few glaring physical flaws, most that I can improve with a lot of ca$h. I eventually hope to correct them when I can save money or marry a guy who is sympathetic enough that he would pay for it. The last time I dated a guy I was extremely sexually attracted to he blew extremely hot and cold with me and it played on these insecurities immensely. The passion kept me around but ultimately I did not feel good enough for him. He (being pretty cruel and narcissistic) took advantage of that. One of my flaws is that I have a hormonal condition that makes me a bit, erm, hairier than the average lady. I suspect he told his friends about it because when we split his friends commented under a picture of him looking sad not to worry about “dirty hairy”. I was mortified to the point of almost being suicidal. He never let our relationship go past FWB but a year later (even though I was still heartbroken) he replaced me with a carefree young girl with the perfect bikini body who he lavishes all his attention on. His friends and family all agreed she fits the part because of how pretty she is. I felt destroyed. Psychologically this took a heavy toll that took years for me to bounce back from. I still have the reminders: the self harm scars from the nasty breakup, another one of my flaws that I hope to correct. I don't want to wear the shame of that forever. It's been a while since I've met anyone who dazzled me like X with their looks, charm, and intelligence (yes even though he was a jerk, he was exceptionally smart and capable) until now... Just when I was giving up after months of browsing through dating sites, I meet the cutest Australian guy online. He's 4 years younger (a little reason to feel a bit insecure already), but he's also witty, nerdy (in a sexy way), and just EVERYTHING. On one hand I'm so giddy I can't even think straight. On the other I'm terrified! I know to a degree this is normal when you first meet someone you like (right?) but I'm wondering if it's healthy in my case. We've been doing quite a bit of sexy chat. I've been sending him tasteful sexy photos (no nudes) and concealing my flaws well, but I keep wondering, what if he finds out eventually? What if he is so turned off he starts treating me like X did – like a temporary amusement. Will I be able to recover from all that? Should I tell him at some point whats going through my mind now or will that push him away? Should I get out before I get hurt or risk it? It's a conundrum. Date someone I find hot/exciting and feel insecure or date someone I don't find to be very hot to feel comfortable and yet feel somewhat bored and deprived. Not sure what to do, HALP!
mark clemson Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 If Chris Hemsworth here is really the one for you, he should like you enough to accept you with (what you feel are) your "flaws". If not, he's probably not right for you anyhow. So, my thought would be to give him a try. Nobody is perfect BTW. Your prior BF who seemed so perfect was clearly psychologically flawed. You should probably feel sorry for the new GF - who knows what kind of mental torture he's putting her through. Anyhow, hope it goes well with Aussie... 1
greymatter Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I wouldn't recommend doing "sexy chat" with a guy online if you are looking for a relationship. You have already sent the message that sex is what you are looking for with sexy photos, tasteful or not. If you are fine with that, carry on. 3
chillii Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 How old are you btw , it's just that we can be very critical and worry about a lot of silly things at a younger age but later on we realize most of them are nothing at all or they're just us , and just fine with the right person. No ones perfect and he won't be either.
frus69 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Never say never but 97% of time getting sexual before even meet up is a bad sign..bad enough to say he is def a player..who initiated the sex chat? My own experience, any guy who initiated sexual stuff before a date will only want sex. Regarding the flaws though, you will have to find a guy who accepts all of them. That being said, you dont have to show them in the most raw and ugly form. Learn to master make up as that covers A LOT of stuff, and shave everyday if necessary, to make them look better. Get the surgery if you are ready. First impression is very important. You need to look your best to attract. When guys are attracted enough to want to know you more, you can charm them with your awesome personality. And when a guy starts to fall for you, he will most likely overlook your flaws.
d0nnivain Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Hair can be address with a razor. No expensive equipment or procedures needed. You need to address your self esteem issues. Until you like your self you will never find true love. You have already made grave mistakes. If you want a relationship, no going past flirting before you meet. Sexy chat & sexy pictures tells the guy you are not valuable & you can be used for sex. Have you even met this guy yet? If not this is all one big fantasy, & it will grow larger with you getting in deeper to who you think he is without actually knowing who he actually is. Meet sooner rather then later 1
schlumpy Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Others tell you how attractive you are, but you are so insecure you can’t accept their observations. Instead, you dwell on a few physical “imperfections” that you feel you have as compared to what or who? What’s the standard candle you are using to judge your attractiveness? Your long term solution is to save money (You have a six figure job?) or find a rich guy to marry who will then provide you with the funds necessary to rid yourself of these imperfections and thus your insecurities since you will then know without a doubt that you are indeed attractive. But you like bad boys and bad boys are users - not providers. You are the provider in that relationship. You will have to be happy with the crumbs that are thrown your way. Of course, there is the excitement and the passion. It’s not much to hang a life on in my opinion. I read in your post that you are either hot or cold, in or out, zero or at full speed. You will be much more secure and feel in control if your relationship pace is somewhere in between these extremes. You can then rev it up to create special moments. You don’t give yourself any head room to make the relationship better. I don’t find your imperfection crippling. It falls into the range of acceptable physical attributes that a potential romantic prospect would enthusiastically accept or reject. It’s how you think about it that makes it a problem. In my opinion, your most important imperfections are within you and not on the outside. You need to be in individual counseling and not under the knife of a plastic surgeon. Best Wishes
stillafool Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I would suggest you stop sending sexy pics and leading with sex talk. You are just telling the guy you want sex by doing that and not acting like a potential girlfriend a guy would keep. Just for your info even drop dead gorgeous girls get dumped, cheated on and everything else. The key to winning a man's heart is to develop a deep emotional connection with him. A sexual connection is easy to make and fleeting. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I agree with greymatter and stillafool about sending the sexy stuff before you have even met. It doesn't play toward securing a relationship so if that's what you want, don't do it. You want to be the one HE has to earn this from you. Plus it's online so that's a lower percentage of connections that work out than normal real life. I'm happy that you are finding hope with dating and out of this long period of feeling bad. You need to temper it though and take things slowly in your heart with a decent amount of protecting your heart. Step by step. So go back to the first next step which should be if you have a connection with this guy, try to meet in person, get a date out of him or ask him on one yourself. And remember your worth is not dependent on what he or anyone else you might date thinks of you. You've worked hard to build things back up inside you and you need to protect that by not handing over your validation to some outside person. Part of how you do that is set boundaries and standards for what HE would need to do in order to enter your life. You need to have a fulfilling and full life to support that goal or be building toward one. As far as hoping some guy will help you with anything you want to do regarding improving your physical appearance--listen, nothing at all wrong with wanting to improve, including exterior & physical. I think rather than wait for someone to "take pity on you" (did you say that or some version of that, girl no, you are better than this!)--I think you should take on an extra job or figure out how to make more money or how you can get whatever it is you want. Figure out the first thing you want. Sounds like laser hair removal maybe. Research it to find a good, reputable place--not just cheap price or you can get burned literally. Find out how much it would be and work toward getting that money or even get a job there so you can get discounted services. I think your self-esteem will get a boost by setting a goal such as figuring out how to get, saving money and CHOOSING how to direct what you will do with it, especially if it is for improvement. You will get results inside and outside too. If some guy just gave you the money for this, you would only get the outside result and there is a whole bunch of ugly dependency things that come with this--even if he is a bf or husband. Goodluck and keep posting
kendahke Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I eventually hope to correct them when I can save money or marry a guy who is sympathetic enough that he would pay for it. Anything that is this germane to your self esteem and self acceptance should not be delegated to some guy you hope to manipulate into paying for your plastic surgery. You need to do what it takes now to earn and put away the money needed to get done what needs to be done. 1
spiderowl Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I would go along with other posters in saying that you don't need to get involved in sex stuff online. Of course he will encourage you, but that is not necessarily going to lead to the kind of relationship you'd like. Have you met this guy? Is he even in your country? There is little point getting emotionally involved with someone far away. The guy you were dating before was no gentleman. I am not surprised you felt hurt. You need to filter out these kinds of guys until you are left with only the decent guys who care and would never dream of hurting you like that. Attraction is very individual and if a guy really likes you, he will overlook what you perceive to be flaws. He certainly will not try to embarass you in front of his friends. If you believe you can attract the right guy for you, you will do. I feel sure that cats do not ask themselves if they have the right coloured fur or long enough nails to attract a mate - they just end up finding each other. It will happen naturally if you believe that you have an attraction all of your own. Confidence is compelling.
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