How would you feel if you found out your date

[snowcones]

Hung out last night with my friend who inspired me to make and who I referenced in this thread. She confessed that she is multi-dating just as an escape from stressful life. She has a very very stressful home and work life and needs to get away sometimes with something light. She said she wasn't really into any of them, but they are nice. I think as long as the guy is polite, she will say yes and go out with them. She said she's firm on not having sex, but that's because she comes from a very conservative foreign culture. I'm sure there are people who multi-date who are having sex.

[Calmandfocused]

I am currently multidating. However my overall attitude to multidating (and still is) that it’s wrong! Simply because I can’t fathom how you can be emotionally available for a relationship with one person whilst being “involved” with multiple people.

 

However, I’m always happy to accept that I’m the one whose got the wrong attitude about multidating, hence the reason I’m giving it a try. As a side note I’m 40, not sleeping with any of them and I haven’t disclosed I’m multidating to any of them because I’ve assumed they are too.

 

So how am I finding it? Well, it’s fun for sure but also exhausting and hard work I find I get confused between which conversations I’ve had with whom. Also Im finding I have to be careful about what I say which feels in some ways deceitful to the person I’m on a date with . One of my key values is honesty which is something I also seek from a partner so in some ways I feel like I’m compromising myself.

 

I’m hoping it doesn’t take me a long time to find a proper relationship as multidating is unsustainable IMO.

[Lotsgoingon]

I am currently multidating. However my overall attitude to multidating (and still is) that it’s wrong! Simply because I can’t fathom how you can be emotionally available for a relationship with one person whilst being “involved” with multiple people.

 

But the point is you are NOT emotionally available to someone you've just met.

 

Someone I've just met won't call me because they got in trouble at work or are having a health problem. The relationship has to progress a lot further before I'm emotionally available. You get into trouble if you become emotionally available before you know the person. The relationship can't handle that kind of emotional intensity before the people have more deeply bonded.

 

Really "multi-dating" is just meeting people. I've gone on speed dates ... like ten women for 5 minutes each. Nothing weird about it at all. Turn 5 minutes into 30 minutes or an hour of a first date--in a short period of time--and you have multidating.

 

Really "multidating" is multi-meeting people to see IF you are interested in getting to know them more. By the time I want to be emotionally available to someone, then I stop meeting others.

[Calmandfocused]

 

Really "multidating" is multi-meeting people to see IF you are interested in getting to know them more. By the time I want to be emotionally available to someone, then I stop meeting others.

 

I get that but that’s not exactly what I’m doing. I’m kissing them, holding their hands, eating out with them and blabbing about all kinds of stuff with them on the phone between dates ... up to 1.5 hours on some occasions. I get the sense that if I wasn’t seeing them all, I’d “feel” something more for at least one of them. In retrospect I feel like it’s stopping me from getting invested in one which I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.

 

I’ve also seen 2 of them twice.

 

So is this not what you’d call multidating then? I thought it was.

[snowcones]

I get that but that’s not exactly what I’m doing. I’m kissing them, holding their hands, eating out with them and blabbing about all kinds of stuff with them on the phone between dates ... up to 1.5 hours on some occasions. I get the sense that if I wasn’t seeing them all, I’d “feel” something more for at least one of them. In retrospect I feel like it’s stopping me from getting invested in one which I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.

 

I’ve also seen 2 of them twice.

 

So is this not what you’d call multidating then? I thought it was.

 

 

This is what my friend is doing too. She's gone out with them all more than once, is actively planning together to go on more dates, texts with all of them in between, tells them what's going on in her life (she's kind of an open book) and has kissed all of them. When she talks to me about them, and says a name, I can't remember who is who. I can't even keep up. I'm sure this is how people slip up. It does sound like a lot of work and I'd probably slip up.

[basil67]

Hung out last night with my friend who inspired me to make and who I referenced in this thread. She confessed that she is multi-dating just as an escape from stressful life. She has a very very stressful home and work life and needs to get away sometimes with something light. She said she wasn't really into any of them, but they are nice. I think as long as the guy is polite, she will say yes and go out with them. She said she's firm on not having sex, but that's because she comes from a very conservative foreign culture. I'm sure there are people who multi-date who are having sex.

 

I wonder how the men in question would feel if they were simply being used as a distraction.

[Lotsgoingon]

I get that but that’s not exactly what I’m doing. I’m kissing them, holding their hands, eating out with them and blabbing about all kinds of stuff with them on the phone between dates ... up to 1.5 hours on some occasions. I get the sense that if I wasn’t seeing them all, I’d “feel” something more for at least one of them. In retrospect I feel like it’s stopping me from getting invested in one which I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.

 

I’ve also seen 2 of them twice.

 

So is this not what you’d call multidating then? I thought it was.

 

Well, I did some of what you are doing when I was much younger. But then I wasn't looking for a serious relationship. I was looking to have fun.

 

Now hold on ... you've seen these women only twice? ... Two women twice each? ... or do you mean these two people you've seen twice are in addition to the women you are kissing and holding hands with?

 

Either way, I think it's a myth that you would feel strongly for one of them if you were only seeing one person. In my experience, someone who's really a good fit will jump out at you. You will be thinking about them a lot. Sorta without forcing it, you won't have the time or energy (except if you are a highly organized player) to see multiple women this way.

 

Kissing and holding hands can be tricky. There are tons of people whom I could enjoyably kiss and hold their hands without feeling like there's a depth of connection or that this is someone I really want in my life long term.

 

These days as soon as I get into kissing territory, I will make a decision: either this is someone I really like and I'll slow down on dating others or ... if the kissing and hand holding is just fun and pleasant (without much depth) ... I'll end that ... because and this is just me ... I know how long it took me to get clear about who I REALLY like vs. who I find to be pleasant to hang out a bit with.

 

So yes, your definition of multi-dating is different from mine. I don't really want to kiss someone unless I'm really into them. After one or two times of kissing, I'll know if I really like the person. But frankly I won't even advance much to kissing a lot unless I really like them and see lots of potential.

[snowcones]

I wonder how the men in question would feel if they were simply being used as a distraction.

 

 

That was part of the reason why I made this thread.

I think this is when 'like attracts like' comes into play.

[Shining One]

I wonder how the men in question would feel if they were simply being used as a distraction.

It depends on what she's saying to the men. If she's being deceitful, then I wouldn't be happy.

 

Personally, I wouldn't agree to casual dating if sex is off the table. I might be okay with hanging out as friends though.

Edited August 4, 2019 by Shining One

[Calmandfocused]

Lotsgoingon.

 

You’re confusing my gender. I’m a woman. The people I’m mutlidating are men.

 

You see the physical affection, kissing, phone calls etc is all being instigated by them. I go along with it as I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t enjoying the attention and affection (it’s been a while).

 

Yes I’ve seen 2 of them twice. Oddly one of them doesn’t touch base with me in between dates but the other does often. I’d be bothered that the one guy doesn’t contact me between dates if he was the only one I’m seeing but as he isn’t I don’t particularly care. Even more oddly is that he’s the one whose all over me on the dates itself.

 

I’m not using anyone for a distraction or otherwise. I do want to find someone to have a relationship with. However, another reason I’m multidating is because I don’t (yet) trust myself not to fall into a relationship/ emotional investment with the wrong man from the offset. You’d have to read my previous threads to see what I mean but I’m trying to break old patterns.

 

But can I sustain this long term: no way! It’s fun and exciting but very hard work.

[Curiousroxy86]

Calm I feel like it’s only hardwork if you make it that way

 

1) I am only going to respond to men I am interested in. Meaning I find decently attractive and no deal breaking red flags. I am not going to talk to any guy that just want to see me and be with me. No mercy dates. I feel like multi dating would be a chore if your going out on like 5 coffee dates a week or something with whoever asks when they ask. Be selective (wisely not necessarily picky) on which guys you want to go out with and also set aside time that is convenient for you. I give Saturday and Sunday nights for dating. So that means guys that want to meet me on week days, on my lunch break, after I get off work....is a “no thank you but I am free on Saturday/Sunday night”. If your constantly juggling men there needs to be some attrition process.

 

2) if I am pretty sure I dislike a guy after going on a date then I won’t keep dating him. If I feel lack luster or so so after 3 dates with a guy I wont keep dating him. Again you want to date/continue to date someone you actually like AND who likes you back. Again trying to make chemistry work or make yourself like someone because they are atleast there and want to date you just makes dating miserable imo. Dating becomes fun and worth it when there is someone you like and is excited to see again. Again don’t continue to bombard yourself with options if it’s becoming a chore. That part of your love life is within your control.

 

3) say there are three guys I am interested at one time. Well the overall goal is to choose one you LIKE AND is a GOOD INVESTMENT meaning he shows you by his consistent actions that he will make a good boyfriend AND express the interest to potentially be your boyfriend AND wants to be your boyfriend by actually asking to be. So that means one guy should eventually start to stand out. So guy that doesn’t want a relationship is out. You don’t keep dating him just cause he is cute and wants to continue taking you out and spending time. So if guys begin to show signs of not being a good investment even if you like him needs to be out. So say three guys I like at a moment well one guy should stand out from the rest because not only I still like him but he is being consistent and no deal breaking red flags where he shouldn’t be eliminated anyway. If He is consistently calling and asking me out then I personally would choose to focus on that guy and just naturally stop seeing the rest. If guy one is calling me everyday and taking both of my off days set for dating say two weeks in a row why in the world would I try to juggle guy two and three? Doesn’t make sense for me and wouldn’t be fair to guy two and three that I can’t make time for two weeks straight cause guy one amped up his investment of his time with me. Not fair to guy one that he seems to show by his actions that he is focused and I still choose not to focus back. So if a guy is being very consistent towards you then you should focus on him. If you don’t want to focus on him because you don’t really like him. Well stop seeing someone that you don’t like that much. Now If no guy is being consistent? You been on dates but They are all random and flaky? Well you keep multi dating. don’t just choose one and focus just to be focusing, but maybe you should have some boundaries against inconsistency. So yes you keep multidating for this particular case but you date someone else that’s new lol. You shouldn’t be dating any guy or guys for too long who continues to be consistently flaky.

 

Point is three guys shouldn’t be able to see you consistently. If so Your being too available with your time for everybody. The same number of suitors shouldn’t be held on to for too long and no one standing out. It means your continuing to date some if not all that you don’t really like and you don’t have good enough standards. I think most people’s detachment from focusing and tiring one self out when it comes to multi dating come from choosing to keep seeing people they don’t really like, being too open with their dating schedules, and being too loose with boundaries and standards. It like dating for ego boost and to cure boredom and to run away from the discomfort of being single and not for an actual purpose that would make you happy which is connecting with someone you actually like and pursuing a good healthy relationship with that person. If you want to actually be in a relationship calm you multi date so that you can be selective and actually select lol. You don’t multi date and juggle just for the sake of multi dating and juggling.

 

So you seem to fit snow cones description of what she feels like multi dating is. But it doesn’t have to be that way and I don’t recommend dating like that to anyone as a multi dater myself.

[Maggiemay1]

I agree.

But I specifically asked in my OP about how YOU (you meaning everyone) would feel if you found out that your date was dating multiple people, along with you, because I knew folks would answer by thinking of themselves multi-dating. I'm not asking whether you should multi-date. I'm asking how you would feel if your....sigh...I'm getting tired of typing the same thing over and over.

 

It doesn’t matter what other people think!

How do YOU feel about it?

How many dates have you been on?

It clearly is early dating .

If he pretended he was only dating you , different story.

Why are you opposed to multi dating? Is that because you put all your eggs in one basket? And look down on those that don’t?

 

Early dating is about seeing if there is potential for a relationship.

 

And it can take months to a year to figure that out. If you want to exclusively date someone , then tell them that! If they don’t want the same thing then they will let you know.

[bckseat]

was dating multiple other people?

I automatically assume that the girl I'm dating is dating multiple people. I'm also dating multiple people. I wouldn't care.... As a matter of fact I would prefer her having multiple options, that means she is high value. VS a girl who don't have a lot of options, could be something wrong with her.. I rather look at her interest level in me...

 

First and foremost, she will be testing me right away.. I test right back.. Is she late for a date? I come late 20 minutes, since they are always late, it's the way they test and feel you out. I am willing to wait 10 minutes... 20 + 10 is 30 minutes. Anything beyond 30 minutes late for a first date is disrespect... There is no way I'm sticking around or calling her or testing her.. I eject, she better call me or text and me and have a counter offer....

...But let's assume she did show up on time, or better yet was already waiting.. Then I'll be judging her interest level during our date... We'll be flirting and stuff, and I'll be touching her and stuff... at some point I'll go for a kiss... If she is interested in me, she will kiss... If not, again, eject, there won't be 2nd date..

 

...I'll go past kissing and holding hands and touching on first date, it's my job, it's the way I screen them.. Sex. It could be my place, it could at the park, it could be at the beach, it could be in my car, it doesn't matter..Girl that wants a relationship will not give on first date, girl that is looking only for sex will...

 

Dudes that she's dating beside me. They will have their hearts broken as their blow up their phone. So who cares, if the girl has high interest in me, then she's mine, if not, then she's not mine.

Edited August 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Sparkyguy]

It doesn't bother me in the slightest. I've been dating women for 18 years now since I was 20. I'm 38 now and have came to appreciate that being single is completely fine, I've done well for myself I have my own place I'm in good health and everything.

 

I've just always loved the variety, and yet I've never ever cheated on any (monogamous) ex girlfriends even from my first sexual girlfriend when I was 20 I've always been open minded with them about everything. I'm not a swinger though, just prefer discrete open relationships. I don't need "true love" to feel happy.

 

I come from a very good and loving family we all look after each other, parents are still together after 50 years marriage I'm sure my dad will die of a lonely heart if my mum goes first, and everyone in my family are monogamous just not me.