elaine567 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Or they realize that they are now too old to safely have children because they wasted away a decade of their best years on failed relationship attempts. If you go 1-2 years with each person you failed with, then throw in a little single/alone time between each you can go from 25yo to 35yo before you realize it. That is serial monogamy, and multi daters can do that in the same way single daters can do. A single dater can bin a person after one date in the same way a multidater can. 1
preraph Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 News Flash PRW, people totally multidated in the 1950s. That was the norm. They just didn't sleep with everyone they dated or maybe anyone they dated since no BC. This is nothing new. Young people especially dated different guys and then if they lasted, they went steady.
littleblackheart Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 That's a different definition of dating than I have. I'm starting to see that. Exclusivity does not mean commitment, though. It just means getting to know one person at a time, not a marriage proposal or any emotional investment. It's academic to me anyway as I don't date, but I don't have the time or the energy to meet more than one person at any one time anyway. I guess I don't get the urgency at all.
PRW Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 But, this part of the dating scene is truly confusing to many single older folks (late 30's+) because this wasn't a common practice for us when we were younger. Many of us are very used to meeting someone, seeing them a few times exclusively and then either sticking with it or going our separate ways. Especially if we grew up in conservative parts of the country (the south or midwest).Yes. I'm 56yo. I am in the mid-west, and very conservative. I did things that way and was even married in the 1980's. After the marriage failed, I continued the tactic you described,...and then,...one day I looked up and I was in my 50's and realized I squandered my best years away with a foolhardy "sweet polyanna" view of the world. In my formative years, it was kind of taboo. I was seeing two women at once in my mid-twenties, they found out about each other and all hell broke loose. I got my a-- chewed by both of them and called a "player" along with many other colorful terms.You just had two insecure "girls" who wanted you to stack the deck in their favor so they would have no competition, all the while they didn't give you the same. Had another guy come along they thought was "cuter" they would have went for him and told you that they "only wanted to be friends". They complain about the "player" yet that is who they will chase (especially when they are in their teens and early 20's). The "bad boy" always got the girls, and the "nice guy" always went home alone. So don't worry about it, you weren't a player, weren't doing anything wrong,...they were the ones with the issues. It's especially difficult for us older divorcees who've ventured into the dating world. We met our exes in the manner that I described, we were off of the market for an extended period of time and now it feels like everything has changed.That's true. They have a very difficult time. The guy who has the most miserable time dating today is the guy who just got divorced after 20 years of marriage,...the last time he successfully approached and asked out a woman was about 22 years ago, and look how things have changed in 22 years. Dating is a western construct that started around the early 1900's, and has pretty much spread to the whole world since then. You go way back into ancient times if you saw a woman you liked, you went to her dad. Gave her dad a cow, 2 goats, and a little cash and took her home with you. If she burned the dinner too many times in the first month the dad had to give you one goat back. Ah,...the good ol' days (yes, that's a joke for those who are ready to flip out) 1
PRW Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Again, you are working with the premise that the ultimate goal to everyone's life is to be in a relationship and procreate. It really isn't the case.I'm following the theme of the thread. But biologically that is exactly what the ultimate goal is. But if they want to buck the biology and not have a relationship and not procreate then you just have either celibacy or the opposite "Friends With Benefits" where there basically are no rules and you can do whatever you want as much as you want,...hedonism.
PRW Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 News Flash PRW, people totally multidated in the 1950s.You're taking a figure of speech and turning it into an axiom. That was the norm. They just didn't sleep with everyone they dated or maybe anyone they dated since no BC. This is nothing new. Young people especially dated different guys and then if they lasted, they went steady.I completely agree. The key was they didn't sleep with everyone they dated (and neither do I even today). But the people who get all bent out of shape today over the term "multi-dating" are assuming that everyone is sleeping with everyone they date all at the same time, that is the root cause of their disdain for it. They are wrong about that of course,...although with our society being more hedonistic today, they aren't entirely wrong. But if they are going to falsely assume I am sleeping with everyone I date then any relationship with them would be full of "misunderstandings" like that due to their insecurity and mistrust,...so I would never want to date them anyway. 1
Author snowcones Posted July 31, 2019 Author Posted July 31, 2019 (edited) It depends. Do they happen to have multiple 1st or 2nd date in the same week or are they actively dating (date 3 and onward) multiple people? In the first instance I'd tend to wonder what the dude does with the rest of his time. Seriously is dating a passtime now? Don't you have friends who can go out with you for a fun night out on the town? In the second instance I'd drop him like a hot potato. It would make me feel like they are just waiting to see what the best option is without putting much effort into it. This came up because I have a friend who I was talking to last week and she told me she had 5 dates from Weds-Sun. Then she proceeded to show me pictures of the guys she went out with on her phone, plus the guys she was talking to, and she was swiping the pictures like she was dealing a deck of cards. She was making it rain (and not as a joke). I asked her what she was doing and if she liked any of these guys. They all looked vastly different from each other and she says they all are nice. She's from a different culture and thinks everyone is nice though and I've seen her get taken advantage of a few times. She had no idea that some people might not like that if they found out she was multi-dating. I guess like someone said above, like attracts like, and the ones who are also multi-dating and have no problem with it will stick around and the ones who don't will quietly go away. I know for sure one guy has already called her a "player". She thinks it's funny, even though she claims that she wants to find someone to be serious with. I think she doesn't like any of them that much anyway. She's just passing time and having a distraction from her normal life with them. Just something to do. Edited July 31, 2019 by snowcones
Author snowcones Posted July 31, 2019 Author Posted July 31, 2019 Or they realize that they are now too old to safely have children because they wasted away a decade of their best years on failed relationship attempts. If you go 1-2 years with each person you failed with, then throw in a little single/alone time between each you can go from 25yo to 35yo before you realize it. This isn't the 1950's anymore. Probably 75% of dating relationships never reach marriage,...and that is a guess,...the failure rate may be even higher today. Then 52% of the ones that do hit marriage end in divorce with most of those failing in the first couple years. I'm sure this scare-women-into-sleeping-with-me-tactic probably works on some women age 30-35, but I've already had kids and don't care to have any more, so...nice try. 2
Amethyst68 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I take it most of you are Americans? Multiple dating isn't that common in a lot of other places in the world, it never has been. If people don't click then they stop dating and move on but it's one person at a time. 1
rightondude Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 I don't expect a woman I want to date is just sitting at home waiting for me to pop up. I expect she is seeing multiple guys trying to find the right one in order to quit multi-dating. I think I can be the one to offer what the right woman needs, thus we'll both end our multi dating right around the same time. Now if you've going on more than 3 dates with multiple people at the same time, I can't handle that. 1-2 yeah no problem but after date 3 we need to see if we can make this work.
mortensorchid Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 I think that's the way of the world now, especially if you are doing any kind of OLD. Have one one day, one the next, etc. Why? That's kind of how "the system" works or should work for people. It's a numbers game after all. But honestly I have learned not to mention that if and when I am on a dating website / app and I actually meet the person face to face. If and when you do meet, I have been asked if I have had luck with the website / app, and I say I'd met a few people here and there. Ask to share a horror story or two, I'm sure they would be happy to share theirs. It's a good conversation piece of nothing else.
smackie9 Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 When I hear multi-dating I think dating the same people in multiples, like seeing 3 or 4 people at the same time, juggling so to speak. I don't think it's a bad thing if you have 2 or 3 different dates lined up for the week. If you meet someone you really like, would you not cancel out the others? I would.
Shining One Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 If you meet someone you really like, would you not cancel out the others? I would.What if the person you really like doesn't like you back? You've just burned the bridges with the others for nothing. 2
Author snowcones Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 I have been asked if I have had luck with the website / app.... That is usually what they're getting at when they ask "Have you had any luck on the dating site?". They want to know how many men you're dating...if you're multi-dating.
Author snowcones Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 What if the person you really like doesn't like you back? You've just burned the bridges with the others for nothing. I simply only respond to one guy at a time. The others get ignored until I am ready to talk to them and not talking to another man. I don't have multiple conversations at once, because they all ask me out on a date within 1-2 messages and I don't want to go there. I simply ignore them/don't respond. If I come back to them, we start up then, or maybe they ignore my response because they have moved on, which is par for the course, but most are still around and still open. 1
GoreSP Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 This came up because I have a friend who I was talking to last week and she told me she had 5 dates from Weds-Sun. Damn ain't nobody got time for that!
PRW Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 I'm sure this scare-women-into-sleeping-with-me-tactic probably works on some women age 30-35, but I've already had kids and don't care to have any more, so...nice try.I didn't offer you a date,...or anything else. 1
PRW Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 That is usually what they're getting at when they ask "Have you had any luck on the dating site?". They want to know how many men you're dating...if you're multi-dating.No, they are clueless guys who think the women have as hard a time getting responses as they do. It also means they don't know what to say,...it is basically the OLD equivalent of asking about the weather.
PRW Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 I simply only respond to one guy at a time. The others get ignored until I am ready to talk to them and not talking to another man. I don't have multiple conversations at once, because they all ask me out on a date within 1-2 messages and I don't want to go there. I simply ignore them/don't respond. If I come back to them, we start up then, or maybe they ignore my response because they have moved on, which is par for the course, but most are still around and still open.The Players and Narcissist will love you. You're a prime target,...they know they won't have any competition. They will convince you that you are the only one they are looking at (because they are very good at doing that), and you will stay "loyal", all the while they are having fun with a bunch of others.
elaine567 Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 The Players and Narcissist will love you. You're a prime target,...they know they won't have any competition. They will convince you that you are the only one they are looking at (because they are very good at doing that), and you will stay "loyal", all the while they are having fun with a bunch of others. Players and narcissists will do that to any woman who will let them, nothing to do with multi-dating or not. They will also persuade the multi-dater to give up all her other options...
Shining One Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 If I come back to them, we start up then, or maybe they ignore my response because they have moved on, which is par for the course, but most are still around and still open.This hasn't been my experience with women. They don't tend to wait around while I evaluate other women one at a time.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 It would tell me he's obviously not serious and not that into me, so I'd lose interest and decline anymore dates with him. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 I think it's safe to assume that everyone is multi-dating until informed otherwise. I certainly have that mindset. We've already addressed this topic in another thread but I think it's ridiculous to expect and even worse to assume people will stop dating other people just for you and so early on. If we're talking about sex, that changes things. Personally, I think sex is best left for monogamy but even I've been known to break that rule from time to time. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted August 2, 2019 Posted August 2, 2019 ^ Men I click with best agree with me that it's ridiculous to date more than one person at a time. A smart, discerning person knows within a date or two if there's potential, in a week or less. I've never seen it as a big deal to wait a whole week or two to give one person a chance. I'm not trying on shoes here. I'm considering a potential life partner. I give anyone I date the respect of my undivided attention, and they do the same. Different strokes for different folks. 2
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