littleblackheart Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I'd stop dating them and would wish them good luck. I find multidating unnecessary and a sign that a person is not comfortable being single and / or that they are not in it for the long haul, and / or that they are not emotionally secure and / or they like the ego stroke. My sister is currently on OLD, very successfully insofar as she gets lots of interest, and she doesn't seem to find it very hard to only meet one guy at a time. It's probably more time consuming that way, but it's also a more natural pace, less conveyor-belt-ish. Professional daters are very offputting, to me anyway.
Normm Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 how would you feel if you found out that your date (not YOU, your date) was dating multiple people along with you? Not understanding the clarification in parenthesis. Cearly if I was multiple dating other people I'd know it.
Happy Lemming Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 If I'm reading the exact words you wrote, you weren't given a choice. I am struggling to see how when worded that way, you thought that was a choice. Unless she worded it different than what you said. It sounded to me like she was saying this thing is not working for me. That's what "Deal breaker" means to me. I was given a choice to stop multi-dating or she would no longer continue to go out with me. It would have been a "deal breaker" for her, if I continued my present behavior. "Ultimatum - a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations." - Source: google.com As an example, many, many years ago, I had been dating this woman for 2+ years and after a nice date we came back to her place and started making out on her couch. Before we headed to the bedroom, she told me that she felt the relationship needed commitment and demanded a time frame as to when I was going to propose. If I could not provide said "time frame" for proposal, I should leave. So, I left and went home.
emeraldgreen Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 It's definitely not for me. I mean, meeting a round of guys and then choosing to know me better, forsaking the others - I'm good with that and wouldn't expect any less. But, real affection with someone else at the same time - deal breaker whether it was known or hidden.
Gretchen12 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 It's getting confusing. So you want the person to not multidate on the first date? But of course that person is not dating someone else while on your date. If you are talking about on different days, you are also multidating on first dates if you meet more than one person online. I understand "person you're dating" as someone you are seeing at an on-going basis, someone you've already established that you want to go further with, not one or two dates. If the person I've gone out with several times, continues to meet other people, my interest level would naturally drop to match his. I wouldn't be upset, and if he's nice, friendzone is the best place for him.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I see nothing with having a date every day of the week. I don't see how you can avoid multi-dating without over-committing to a relationship before you know anything about the person. Just a note ... for me a first date ... can be 30 minutes long. In a bar, a cafe, a meeting in the park. Just something to see if there's any basic chemistry. I'm not talking about multi-sexing ... or even multi-making out. I'm talking meeting people. I remember this story by a woman who had great success on OK Cupid--once she concluded that it was all a "numbers" game. Meaning she literally had to meet a lot of people to find someone she had chemistry with. She talked about one afternoon, scheduling like 6 dates (may have been more)... back to back ... at her local cafe ... all the dates were for like 30 minutes long. (I think she left a gap in between.) The vast majority of people she met, she quickly knew she didn't even want a second date. I thought this was a brilliant idea, and I would have no problem doing this or being one of the six dates meeting someone else. So, what some of you are saying is that you wouldn't meet 6 people for coffee for 30 minutes ... you would stretch that out over 6 weeks? ... six months? That's a different definition of dating than I have. 3
chillii Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Nope , not a hope in hell. l'd have zero respect for a women so clueless so out of touch with herself that they meet 6 people a week for coffee in the hope of a relationship. lf your just playing around sure that's one thing, go play, but l'd never bother with someone just playing round anyway and l'd never come second to anyone. 1
Arieswoman Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I wouldn't even discuss it at first because it wasn't any of their business who I was dating and vice-versa. If things progressed beyond date 3 (most of them didn't) then I would reconsider my options. I would never push for exclusivity, I would wait until the guy expressed genuine interest then see if we both wanted the same things. 2
JEG88 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Nope , not a hope in hell. l'd have zero respect for a women so clueless so out of touch with herself that they meet 6 people a week for coffee in the hope of a relationship. lf your just playing around sure that's one thing, go play, but l'd never bother with someone just playing round anyway and l'd never come second to anyone. I don't think that's the idea though. The whole thing with OLD is that it is indeed a numbers game. I would rather get a few first meetings out of the way to assess in-person chemistry - time permitting - than dragging that out over weeks or months. It's just a more consolidated screening process, I don't see it having anything to do with self-respect. 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 In response to the original post I assume he is multi dating if I am not his girlfriend. I am not asking him if he is multi dating or not. I am also not worried about what is he doing. And I am dating guys I LIKE. If I don’t like him I am not dating him. However I am of the mindset of just because I like him it doesn’t mean I automatically own him. If I like a guy that’s just the first step lol. I still got to figure out who he is. I got to figure out if I should even continue to like him lol. I got to figure out if I want to be in an exclusive relationship with him and if he wants that with me. So liking someone isn’t the point where I expect exclusivity. To me that’s putting the cart before the horse. My focus before exclusivity is for us to get to know each other and decide if we want to be in an exclusive bf gf relationship. Again for some of us exclusivity is expected at THAT POINT (bf/gf relationship) not beforehand. We may feel like the other is focused on us per their efforts and feel an excitement and a desire to be exclusive. We may choose to only focus on that person and at any given time or even at the beginning because either a) we like the person more than anybody else at the moment and/or b) that person we like is being very consistent in their efforts themselves so we naturally just focus on that person as a result of good healthy organic rate off progression and momentum. So the idea of exclusivity starts to look real good to us once we connect to someone we like but I personally don’t have expectations until he asks for exclusivity. Theeeeeen I would expect that all dating other women to stop at that point because he is actually my boyfriend. And rightfully so at that point imo. Again him not dating other people may have already happened beforehand on his end on his own volition and the same from my end. But the point is I don’t EXPECT it to happen before we establish an exclusive bf/gf relationship. If he feel the need to advertise on his own (because I am not asking and now that I think about it I don’t think a guy has ever just said to me “oh btw I am dating other people” lol) but if he felt the need to let me know I wouldn’t hold it against him even if I liked him because at the end of the day I am looking for a guy that WANTS to be my exclusive boyfriend AND that I believe would even make a good boyfriend. Liking him doesn’t mean he got it in the bag yet lol. I wouldn’t stop talking to him or dating him after he said it BUT I also wouldn’t be inclined to focus only on him purposely after he says that. I choose to focus on a guy on purpose not only because I like him but also because he shows that he is consistent in his interests and efforts towards me. Essentially by his consistent actions on his own it would show he is focusing on me (consistent contact, dates, spending time) so I will focus back if I haven’t don’t so naturally already. And a guy who would announce he is multi dating to me without me asking would have me think he is not at a point where I should be focused on him right now if ever. Know what I mean? So to me focusing on a guy just because you like the person and they haven’t shown you anything just doesn’t sound appealing or wise to me. And I can’t imagine putting that same pressure on a guy who is not yet my boyfriend. I believe this with all my heart but I think it’s important in dating to give people the autonomy to choose and your own autonomy to choose should also be respected. There is an assumption that multi daters just constantly keep multiple people in rotation and don’t ever truly commit to one person because there is always someone better that comes along and thats just not true for all. If your a player or narcissistic type or commitment-phobe then thats true But for those of us who actually value and desire an exclusive bf gf relationship and are monogamous when it comes to being in an exclusive relationship really just open themselves up to the option of “multi dating” before exclusivity until they find someone they like AND SHOWS PROMISE and then there is a natural focusing on each other until exclusivity. Focusing could happen at the time of meeting the person or later. Talking to/dating multiple people for us is really only used when there is no progression or momentum happening. And even then it doesn’t mean we will have other options. It just means we are open to other options simply because the person we like is very new and haven’t shown anything yet, either nonexistent right now, being flaky, dropped off, or is getting dropped because of a deal breaking red flag. Now If there is consistent progression and momentum with a person we like we don’t feel the need to open ourselves to other “options” because there is promise towards what we ultimately want and the reason we choose to date in the first place which is an exclusive relationship. Hopefully that makes sense 4
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 (edited) Truth is, if a new person I didn't even know told me they weren't multidating, I wouldn't even believe them anyway. this. I think a good number of people including me believe in single dating at some point after getting to know the person so I understand the importance of single dating. but it just seems too naive to actually expect the person you dont know yet to actually not send a message/talk to other "options" even if they told the girl "yeah I am the type to only focus too/yeah we can focus on each other". its one thing if you decide to focus on the guy at the beginning on your own volition. but to believe he will actually only focus on you at the beginning just seems like setting yourself up to get unnecessarily played/manipulated. a girl who announces on the first date that she is willing to focus only on the guy and all he had to do was look appealing to her and show up on the date and lie? she is a f boys dream lmao. which is sad because thats what she was trying to avoid in the first dag on place smh. I would just hope she selects wisely. maybe somone she got aquainted as friends or friend of friends or friend of family. but if he is a complete stranger? then bless her heart. Edited July 31, 2019 by Curiousroxy86 1
d0nnivain Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 During the 1st 3-4 dates I would assume a new person is multi-dating. I had 3 dates with 3 different men (1 date each) around the time I met the man who would become my husband. By the time I went on the 3rd date with DH I had no desire to see anybody but him. I assumed he was still multi-dating because I knew he had a Match profile up. About a month later as we were talking about the status of our relationship he told me that he took his match profile down. I had made a fake profile to be able to see his profile. I looked again. It was gone. I deleted my fake profile & never looked back. 2
Tamfana Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 -- I think that's what's happening here with multi-dating.... people are dating a bunch of people who they just don't like that much. A bunch of them all at the same time. Or, they aren't deciding that early on whether they like anyone a lot or not. 3
Lisa_Lisa Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Lots of people nowadays use OLD to date so meeting someone IRL doesn't guarantee that he/she will only focus on one person at a time. I met this one guy at a bar and we hit it off, he asked me out on numerous dates and then by date 3 told me he deleted his online dating app. Since we met in real life, I didn't even think to ask him if he had a profile up, but it was nice that he told me himself that he deleted it. I had no idea he was multi-dating. I was, but that was my business. So I feel like we should assume the person - we're going on a date on either through an app or having met in real life - will be multi-dating in some form or another. Just go with the flow, enjoy meeting a new person, and keep it moving. I had one guy who told me he doesn't want a girl who is seeing more than one person at a time (we haven't even met yet) so I was floored by this. I didn't know how to react, but assured him (out of naivety) that I wasn't. But he never made an effort with me, we just had house dates, he told me he was a homebody and that's how he liked it. He wanted to get physical, but his lack of effort turned me off, and I left. So why did he just want me to see him for? To keep me locked down? No competition? I actually liked him despite all of that, but my insinuations about actually going out fell on deaf ears, by the time I reached out to him months later he casually told me he's in a relationship and that was that. Bullcrap. I knew then that I'd never do one at a time again. 2
PRW Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I date one at a time. It's a marathon, not a race.Until you wake up one day in your 50's, still single, and realize you've wasted your life away. 4
GoreSP Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 It depends. Do they happen to have multiple 1st or 2nd date in the same week or are they actively dating (date 3 and onward) multiple people? In the first instance I'd tend to wonder what the dude does with the rest of his time. Seriously is dating a passtime now? Don't you have friends who can go out with you for a fun night out on the town? In the second instance I'd drop him like a hot potato. It would make me feel like they are just waiting to see what the best option is without putting much effort into it.
GoreSP Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Until you wake up one day in your 50's, still single, and realize you've wasted your life away. OMG. The baby boomers called and they want their views on relationships back lol Or you realize in your mid to late 30s romantic relationships are not the ultimate goal in life and certainly not only way to lead a happy, fulfilling life... 1
PRW Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 was dating multiple other people?I wouldn't ask and assume they were. I would also allow them to believe I was even if i was not at the particular moment because I want to eliminate the needy clingy people that would have a problem with the idea of multi dating. I have never actually multi-dated in practice with more than 2. But if anyone thinks I OWE them exclusivity BEFORE we are exclusive then I cast them aside. People who want the other person to only date them from the very first date are just people who want that person to "stack the deck" in their favor so they don't have to deal with the threat of competition. They are so insecure that they believe if they had to deal with competition they would lose.
PRW Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 OMG. The baby boomers called and they want their views on relationships back lol Or you realize in your mid to late 30s romantic relationships are not the ultimate goal in life and certainly not only way to lead a happy, fulfilling life...Or they realize that they are now too old to safely have children because they wasted away a decade of their best years on failed relationship attempts. If you go 1-2 years with each person you failed with, then throw in a little single/alone time between each you can go from 25yo to 35yo before you realize it. This isn't the 1950's anymore. Probably 75% of dating relationships never reach marriage,...and that is a guess,...the failure rate may be even higher today. Then 52% of the ones that do hit marriage end in divorce with most of those failing in the first couple years. 2
PRW Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 It's getting confusing.Yea, it is confusing because people who outright oppose what they call multi-dating are usually themselves confused about dating in general,...and usually not very successful. While the people who don't have a problem with it don't even use the term "multi-dating" because they don't even think of it that way. In their minds they are just dating a person here, and dating person there, and going about their life meeting different people, comparing them to each other and deciding who is the best choice for possible exclusivity. It isn't even a "thing" to them, it is just the normal way things are. 2
kendahke Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 It's a date. One date. I wouldn't feel any way about it because I don't expect or give devotion from the first glance. 4
stillafool Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 If it's the first date I wouldn't care one way or the other because we would just be getting to know each other. Plus I doubt I'd be interested in a man no one else wanted to date. 2
OatsAndHall Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Yea, it is confusing because people who outright oppose what they call multi-dating are usually themselves confused about dating in general,...and usually not very successful. While the people who don't have a problem with it don't even use the term "multi-dating" because they don't even think of it that way. In their minds they are just dating a person here, and dating person there, and going about their life meeting different people, comparing them to each other and deciding who is the best choice for possible exclusivity. It isn't even a "thing" to them, it is just the normal way things are. My views on multi-meeting/dating have changed considerably as of late. Between conversations on here and some introspection, I realized that it was taking a lot of energy to avoid multi-dating/daters. Toss the OLD factor in there and it just isn't feasible. But, this part of the dating scene is truly confusing to many single older folks (late 30's+) because this wasn't a common practice for us when we were younger. Many of us are very used to meeting someone, seeing them a few times exclusively and then either sticking with it or going our separate ways. Especially if we grew up in conservative parts of the country (the south or midwest). In my formative years, it was kind of taboo. I was seeing two women at once in my mid-twenties, they found out about each other and all hell broke loose. I got my a-- chewed by both of them and called a "player" along with many other colorful terms. One of their friends referred to me as a "man-whore" . I wasn't sleeping with either of them but I was still chastised thoroughly when I "got caught". It's especially difficult for us older divorcees who've ventured into the dating world. We met our exes in the manner that I described, we were off of the market for an extended period of time and now it feels like everything has changed. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 lol unfortunately dating comes with a mix bag of people and their own expectations and rules that may or may not line up with your choices. you have to pretty much pick a stance you agree with and/or that works and let the chips fall where they may *shrugs*. I try to be sensitive and open as I can to other people but if something just doesnt make sense or seems wise to me well at the end of the day I am going to choose to do what I feel is best for me and pretty much other people will do whats best for them 1
GoreSP Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Or they realize that they are now too old to safely have children because they wasted away a decade of their best years on failed relationship attempts. If you go 1-2 years with each person you failed with, then throw in a little single/alone time between each you can go from 25yo to 35yo before you realize it. This isn't the 1950's anymore. Probably 75% of dating relationships never reach marriage,...and that is a guess,...the failure rate may be even higher today. Then 52% of the ones that do hit marriage end in divorce with most of those failing in the first couple years. Again, you are working with the premise that the ultimate goal to everyone's life is to be in a relationship and procreate. It really isn't the case. 3
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