snowcones Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 was dating multiple other people? People always tell you to multi-date, to explore your options, etc etc, but really, how would you feel if you found out that your date (not YOU, your date) was dating multiple people along with you? No matter which way I slice this, I can't see how I would be peachy keen with this, unless I just didn't like him all that much. In which case, I wouldn't even go out with him in the first place. I think that's what's happening here with multi-dating.... people are dating a bunch of people who they just don't like that much. A bunch of them all at the same time. 1
frus69 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 If I havent had sex with him, and usually that means 1st, 2nd date (lol) then i will not have sex with him until he drops all his other options. If I already had sex with him, it's a deal breaker and I would stop seeing him.
JEG88 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Multi-dating is just the reality of the modern dating world, and people would be naive to not expect it if exclusivity is not involved. Especially in OLD. If you haven't DTR'ed, I don't see how you should be all that miffed. 1
basil67 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 It wouldn't work for me. If I was single, I'd avoid OLD for this very reason.
Rayce Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 If I havent had sex with him, and usually that means 1st, 2nd date (lol) then i will not have sex with him until he drops all his other options. If I already had sex with him, it's a deal breaker and I would stop seeing him. ditto what frus69 says...
Author snowcones Posted July 31, 2019 Author Posted July 31, 2019 If you haven't DTR'ed, I don't see how you should be all that miffed. I don't even know what DTR means? If I found out, whether the guy I was dating told me or not, I would drop him immediately.
frus69 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Multi-dating is just the reality of the modern dating world, and people would be naive to not expect it if exclusivity is not involved. Especially in OLD. If you haven't DTR'ed, I don't see how you should be all that miffed. To many people, multi dating and being exclusive are completely different things. And there are many people OLD who date, and especially when sex is involved, with one person at a time.
Happy Lemming Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 ...people are dating a bunch of people... Yes and the cream rises to the top. You date a bunch of people and you pick which one is the most compatible or checks most/all of your boxes. 2
Author snowcones Posted July 31, 2019 Author Posted July 31, 2019 Yes and the cream rises to the top. You date a bunch of people and you pick which one is the most compatible or checks most/all of your boxes. I date one at a time. It's a marathon, not a race. 2
basil67 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Snowcones, I think this multi dating thing is a large reason why there are so many permanently single people. Too much choice = grass is always greener. 1
Mrin Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 When I was dating I fully expected it. And did it myself. I actually found it refreshing and a good thing as it makes the exclusivity talk a natural thing at about date 3-5. There were some women I dated who I kept dating non-exclusively but we had had the conversation and agreed to just keep it casual. All that being said, once I had agreed to be exclusive with someone it would be and ender if either of us kept multidating. Period. End of conversation.
Author snowcones Posted July 31, 2019 Author Posted July 31, 2019 Snowcones, I think this multi dating thing is a large reason why there are so many permanently single people. Too much choice = grass is always greener. I agree. But I specifically asked in my OP about how YOU (you meaning everyone) would feel if you found out that your date was dating multiple people, along with you, because I knew folks would answer by thinking of themselves multi-dating. I'm not asking whether you should multi-date. I'm asking how you would feel if your....sigh...I'm getting tired of typing the same thing over and over. 1
Author snowcones Posted July 31, 2019 Author Posted July 31, 2019 There were some women I dated who I kept dating non-exclusively but we had had the conversation and agreed to just keep it casual. I have the conversation on date 1...... where I tell them what I expect (and what I do). If they don't like it, or think it's too early, then we can both just move on and not waste our time going on date 2 or 3.
Happy Lemming Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I date one at a time. It's a marathon, not a race. OK that's you, some date one at a time, some date multiple people. Unless I'm having sex with a woman, I'm actively trying to date as many people as I can (or my budget will allow). Eventually, one will beat out the rest and I'll attempt to have a relationship with that one particular person. Nothing wrong with your approach to dating, nothing wrong with mine... just two different methods. If a potential partner is multi-dating and you don't like it, cut that person lose, but it would be wrong to try to change them or give them an ultimatum. 3
basil67 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I agree. But I specifically asked in my OP about how YOU (you meaning everyone) would feel if you found out that your date was dating multiple people, along with you, because I knew folks would answer by thinking of themselves multi-dating. I'm not asking whether you should multi-date. I'm asking how you would feel if your....sigh...I'm getting tired of typing the same thing over and over. Perhaps I wasn't clear. When I said in post four that it wouldn't work for me, I meant "I wouldn't date someone who was multi dating"
The Outlaw Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 It wouldn't work for me. I suspected the last girl I dated was doing that same thing, I just couldn't prove it. People can do whatever they want to do dating wise, but for me, it's one on one. I wouldn't multi date, and I'd hope she wouldn't either. 1
JEG88 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 And there are many people OLD who date, and especially when sex is involved, with one person at a time. Of course there are, and that's fine too. My previous post was a generalization, sure, as I feel a majority of the OLD population tends to multi-date before becoming exclusive. If the assumption is that it is occurring before exclusivity, I don't see the issue with either side multi-dating vs. just dating one person. Also for me, I would only engage in sex after exclusivity is established.
Author snowcones Posted July 31, 2019 Author Posted July 31, 2019 OK that's you, some date one at a time, some date multiple people. Unless I'm having sex with a woman, I'm actively trying to date as many people as I can (or my budget will allow). Eventually, one will beat out the rest and I'll attempt to have a relationship with that one particular person. Nothing wrong with your approach to dating, nothing wrong with mine... just two different methods. If a potential partner is multi-dating and you don't like it, cut that person lose, but it would be wrong to try to change them or give them an ultimatum. I was following you until you said the word "ultimatum". What exactly would an ultimatum look like to you in this scenario? What would be the ultimatum? The last thing in the world I'd want to do is spend my time trying to change someone or argue with them about it. It's much easier to just go our separate ways once we find out that we have different approaches. In fact, I probably wouldn't even say why. I'd just quietly make a mental note and move on. Perhaps I wasn't clear. When I said in post four that it wouldn't work for me, I meant "I wouldn't date someone who was multi dating" No worries, I got you the first time. 1
Happy Lemming Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 But I specifically asked in my OP about how YOU (you meaning everyone) would feel if you found out that your date was dating multiple people In a nutshell, I wouldn't care if a woman I was dating was seeing other people. Competition (with other men) doesn't bother me. "To the victor belong the spoils" - William L. Marcy 1
Happy Lemming Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I was following you until you said the word "ultimatum". What exactly would an ultimatum look like to you in this scenario? If a woman I was dating told me that it was a "deal breaker" (that I was multii-dating) and she wouldn't continue to go out with me if I dated other people while we are in the "getting to know you" phase of dating. 1
Author snowcones Posted July 31, 2019 Author Posted July 31, 2019 I wouldn't multi date, and I'd hope she wouldn't either. And if she did, you just might accept it anyway, and stop taking her seriously and put her into the "only good for lay" category. Assuming you're down for that. Which many men are.
Author snowcones Posted July 31, 2019 Author Posted July 31, 2019 If a woman I was dating told me that it was a "deal breaker" (that I was multii-dating) and she wouldn't continue to go out with me if I dated other people while we are in the "getting to know you" phase of dating. How in the world is that an ultimatum? I'd call that breaking up. This is why you shouldn't say anything. Just disappear. In a nutshell, I wouldn't care if a woman I was dating was seeing other people. Competition (with other men) doesn't bother me. Yeah, okay. 1
Happy Lemming Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 How in the world is that an ultimatum? A person is telling me to stop action "A" or they will do action "B". I am being given a choice. And yes, I agree with you that she should just disappear, but some women I have dated seem to think otherwise and assert an ultimatum. The world is full of all different people with varying views and different reactions to various situations.
Author snowcones Posted July 31, 2019 Author Posted July 31, 2019 A person is telling me to stop action "A" or they will do action "B". I am being given a choice. If I'm reading the exact words you wrote, you weren't given a choice. I am struggling to see how when worded that way, you thought that was a choice. Unless she worded it different than what you said. It sounded to me like she was saying this thing is not working for me. That's what "Deal breaker" means to me. 1
preraph Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Truth is, if a new person I didn't even know told me they weren't multidating, I wouldn't even believe them anyway. I've just known a couple too many guys who acted like they were all into me and then seen them out on a date with someone else. So I'd rather not even talk about it early on. IMO, you can't have exclusivity without trust. Any guy can tell you he's not multidating. If you don't know him at all, why would you change your behavior based on him saying he's not? That's naive. By the way, it's the same reason I hate to see the woman be the first to start fishing around about being exclusive -- because guys are used to this happening and they know just what to say to keep the lid on things, whether it's true or not. And multidating isn't new or OLD-specific. People used to multidate a lot. They just kept their mouths shut about it until they were getting serious. 5
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