mortensorchid Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 When there is mention of an ex in ANY context it's not good. Want examples? I was in a relationship with someone who lamented at almost every step that his gf had broken up with him, years before Iet him. She was a real bitch from what I understood about her - she cheated on him, then one day she broke up with him, walked away and never spoke a word to him ever again. This loser continued to persist - sending flowers and gifts, calling, emails, driving by her house and following her, etc. When she married someone years later I think he actually showed up at her wedding. Then he was at last free to break up with me via email because the Lord told him to become a priest, then he met and married another woman about a year later. They are still married from what I understand. Another - the man I thought was The One said while he was making things terrible for me that he got an email from his ex gf who he'd mentioned to me once or twice and she said she now lives in Germany and she just got married. I said "That's nice ", he said it made me think that I don't have the same passionate relationship I had with her that I have with you. That story ended in a sad ending. She'll use him as leverage to oust you or someone else in your shoes. Be ready for this. 2
The Outlaw Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 man I hope it's not like that, but sounds similar. I will probably end up sealing my own fate by being suspicious, paranoid and overcompensating. Or it could just happen on it's own anyway. Should have known it was too good to be true. Sadly, when we think it's too good to be true it typically is. I saw the writing on the wall a mile away with this girl, but dated her anyway despite what she told me. Got my hopes up and then she ghosted me. Sucked at first, but it's life. Hopefully, you'll do better with this girl, but just be wary of her. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 The fact that she has told you this guy was the best thing ever in bed and treated her like a queen is a bad sign. As is the fact that she has no blocked him. Take it from me, you had best be concerned when dudes start messaging your ex and they have excuses on why they haven't blocked the guy. Yeah, I agree this isn't good. She's putting you in an inferior position to him and her, making you feel insecure and wondering how stable things really are with her. You even called the thread "competing with ex". I'm pretty sure that if I were a man and a woman pulled that crap on me, I'd start to lose interest very fast. A woman who's into a guy and has any sense whatsoever is not going to talk about her ex in a flattering light, and certainly isn't going to leave the door open for him to freaking Snapchat her. She should have quietly blocked the jerk and moved on with her life. I'd never in a million years disrespect my man in even one of those ways, let alone several. 2
Author rightondude Posted July 31, 2019 Author Posted July 31, 2019 (edited) to answer a few of the statements provided as a part of some very level-headed advice (I am good at giving others advice but I guess I can't think with a level head in a situation where I'm having the best sex of my life, being treated pretty dang well outside of this annoyance, and told I'm something special with the actions to back it up) ... She doesn't speak 100% flattering of her ex, she was just apparently blindsided when he stopped talking to her completely. They live in separate cities (in fact he lives in the same metro as me) and I didn't ask if she ever went to his place...somehow I guess she knew he was alive/safe, just ignoring her out of the blue. Through online snooping she found out the sex addict stuff. I think she said he also got some woman he was cheating with divorced from her husband. In fact I think this woman's husband called her or maybe the woman herself did. This was early in the dating and I wasn't really sure who she was talking about and haven't brought that back up. But before she found that stuff out, yeah she apparently was head over heels. She insists she has no interest in going back every time she talks about the good stuff. I think she has common sense and decency and I want to think she tells me this stuff because we're committed to being 100% honest with each other. She's not afraid to admit she totally loved the guy until he ditched her. I can respect that. At the same time, yeah I've never dated someone who spoke glowingly of their ex EXCEPT FOR THAT LITTLE GHOST ME AND CHEATING THING. My plan now is to not bring it up, because she's told me it's over and she's not interested in contacting him. If it happens again or gets brought up again, it will be "block him, tell him to leave you alone, or lose me" and let the chips fall where they may. I wouldn't blame her if she wanted to rekindle a decade old relationship vs continue on with me at all of 2 months. I'd think she would be dumb for doing so but I get it. I'm just not going to stick around while this game is going on. Edited July 31, 2019 by rightondude 2
Ruby Slippers Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 How long ago did they break up? She's obviously not remotely over him. This guy is taking up WAY too much real estate in your relationship and in your mind. That's not a sign of healthy relationship. Are you the rebound guy? Did she rush in with you in an attempt to plaster over her post-breakup feelings? I wouldn't want you to get hurt. I feel you're putting up with too much, blinded by lust/infatuation.
Author rightondude Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 How long ago did they break up? She's obviously not remotely over him. This guy is taking up WAY too much real estate in your relationship and in your mind. That's not a sign of healthy relationship. Are you the rebound guy? Did she rush in with you in an attempt to plaster over her post-breakup feelings? I wouldn't want you to get hurt. I feel you're putting up with too much, blinded by lust/infatuation. I want to say it was a year or a year and a half ago There have only been two events where he contacted (while I was present), but yeah the last one was a real mind-screw. And yeah the other times where she references the relationship. There have been several guys in between who did not last. But within those dalliances there was apparently no contact.
crispytoast Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 Well you know the lay of the land. I think you have a pretty good head on your shoulders about it. If she's good to you and the sex is good, personally if it were me I'd keep on enjoying the relationship.. make a little side note that it might fall apart and then leave it as a side note. Don't get too invested until you know she's being real with you. And proceed as you please. Everyone has someone in their past that they're fond of. And every woman worth fighting for has someone who would be mad that you're fighting for her, whether it's an ex-boyfriend or a fawning friend or whatever. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 Everyone has someone in their past that they're fond of. And every woman worth fighting for has someone who would be mad that you're fighting for her, whether it's an ex-boyfriend or a fawning friend or whatever. totally true ^^^^
ExpatInItaly Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 OP, if they broke up at least a year ago and she is still talking about him like this - and still this rattled when he contacts her - she is still very much attached to him. Have your fun with her if you wish, but don't expect a long-lasting relationship. She's got too much unfinished emotional business with him.
Author rightondude Posted August 2, 2019 Author Posted August 2, 2019 Well you know the lay of the land. I think you have a pretty good head on your shoulders about it. If she's good to you and the sex is good, personally if it were me I'd keep on enjoying the relationship.. make a little side note that it might fall apart and then leave it as a side note. Don't get too invested until you know she's being real with you. And proceed as you please. Everyone has someone in their past that they're fond of. And every woman worth fighting for has someone who would be mad that you're fighting for her, whether it's an ex-boyfriend or a fawning friend or whatever. thanks man. If there's one thing I hate more than anything since I've been out in the dating world it's a piece of ish EX. JUST MOVE ON! I get people see these shows, movies, whatever, about "fighting for love" or whatever crap, but give me a break. You throw the potential for violence or legal ramifications in there, and man, it's feeling like it's just too much to deal with sometimes. When it's done let it be done and find someone else's life to make hell. I just can't comprehend the mindset.
elaine567 Posted August 2, 2019 Posted August 2, 2019 When it's done let it be done and find someone else's life to make hell. I just can't comprehend the mindset. Doesn't sound like he made her life hell. Great sex, treated her like a queen. It just ended badly. 9 years is a long time, she was the dumpee and he still has the capacity to upset her, a year later. Some "extra hard and crazy sex" is not going to work here, if she is still in love with him. You need to play it by ear, but I wouldn't be surprised if they ended up back together. Sorry.
Author rightondude Posted August 2, 2019 Author Posted August 2, 2019 Doesn't sound like he made her life hell. Great sex, treated her like a queen. It just ended badly. 9 years is a long time, she was the dumpee and he still has the capacity to upset her, a year later. Some "extra hard and crazy sex" is not going to work here, if she is still in love with him. You need to play it by ear, but I wouldn't be surprised if they ended up back together. Sorry. damn you got a good point. Well, it's making my life hell. Maybe not quite hell but it sucks putting so much effort into something that could end up futile. But at the end of the day how does anyone know whether the effort they put in will make a relationship work out...guess you do it just because that's what you should do if you want to make it work. 1
Timshel Posted August 2, 2019 Posted August 2, 2019 damn you got a good point. Well, it's making my life hell. Maybe not quite hell but it sucks putting so much effort into something that could end up futile. But at the end of the day how does anyone know whether the effort they put in will make a relationship work out...guess you do it just because that's what you should do if you want to make it work. There is absolutely no sentence in this quote that makes any sense to me, try as I may to whittle it down. You are playing a victim; oh well, i guess i have to screw her into liking me more than that other dude. The guy isn't 'making your life hell,' you are making your own life hell feeling as though you are in competition with him, stop it. If a relationship is making you feel bad and competitive with other people, it.is.not. the proper relationship for you...walk away. 1
The Outlaw Posted August 2, 2019 Posted August 2, 2019 Just stick it out with her for the time being and see where to go from there. There's always a chance she'll go back to him, but if she does, so what? It's going to indescribably suck but the sex was great. It's always easier said than done but if she walks, she did you a favor. Trust me. 1
elaine567 Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 Just stick it out with her for the time being and see where to go from there. There's always a chance she'll go back to him, but if she does, so what? It's going to indescribably suck but the sex was great. It's always easier said than done but if she walks, she did you a favor. Trust me. OK great sex, but I have a sneaky feeling it is more than that for the OP, so is it really worth getting deeper and deeper involved, when Mr TreatedMeLikeAQueen can swing by and she will be putty in his hands again... The mantra, "Never get involved with someone who has unfinished business with their ex" is usually good advice IMO. 1
Marc878 Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 Bud an x in the mix only a year out is bad news. You maybe just a rebound. Sounds like she wants the contact or he'd be blocked. Proceed at your own risk. I wouldn't 1
The Outlaw Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 OK great sex, but I have a sneaky feeling it is more than that for the OP, so is it really worth getting deeper and deeper involved, when Mr TreatedMeLikeAQueen can swing by and she will be putty in his hands again... The mantra, "Never get involved with someone who has unfinished business with their ex" is usually good advice IMO. I'm sure it's probably more than just the sex for him as it was for me. But no doubt he doesn't want to be runner up to anyone anymore than the rest of us would. That's what makes it so hard when an ex reappears. Hopefully, things will go well for him and he won't get the shaft like I did.
Calmandfocused Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 ROD I’m concerned that you’re trying to make yourself “better” than the ex so she sees you as the preferred option. You being you should be enough. Don’t pressurise yourself to try and be better than anyone. Your a prize exactly as you are. Matters of a woman’s heart are never resolved by finding someone who supersedes her ex. If she still loves him, she still loves him. Even if you were superman it wouldn’t change that fact. Be yourself with her and enjoy, But guard your heart. If she was over him completely she wouldn’t give a monkey’s behind what he was posting on snapchat. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 ^^^ I do agree with the above. I think most normal women (who all have guys who are ex's or have crushes on them or get attention from some guy) don't bring it up if it will threaten the new relationship, i.e. yours. It happens but we just keep quiet or don't give the other guy anything to work with. I think you need to discern if your girl is "enjoying" this attention from him, feeds off it or is overly truthful. Just because some guy (past, present) hits you up doesn't mean you need to pass on every bit of that info to your bf--especially if it means nothing to you, you are not trying to play the two off each other or if you don't have just have a narcissistic need for believing that guys want you. I'd be worried as to "why" is she passing this info back to you. Most girls wouldn't want to plant a seed that would mess things up with you, if you are the priority and they aren't confused about it. 1
snowcones Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 I'd dump her, because... too much drama. Of course, I tend to overthink things, but my first thought would be "why does she think/say this guy treated her like a queen?" In all likelihood he did not. Guys like that never treat women well. I mean, we're talking about a sex addict and swinger here. It's more likely that he showed tons of signs that he was a jerk but she ignored them because she was so smitten by him, or she knows he was jerk during their relationship, but doesn't want to admit it to you because she knows she will get back with him the minute he begs her back, and doesn't want you to think that she left you for a jerk. Either way, it's too much of a headache and she could easily tell him to F-off, but she hasn't. So, as much as I like her, I'd still fade on her. 2
Versacehottie Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 I'd dump her, because... too much drama. Of course, I tend to overthink things, but my first thought would be "why does she think/say this guy treated her like a queen?" In all likelihood he did not. Guys like that never treat women well. I mean, we're talking about a sex addict and swinger here. It's more likely that he showed tons of signs that he was a jerk but she ignored them because she was so smitten by him, or she knows he was jerk during their relationship, but doesn't want to admit it to you because she knows she will get back with him the minute he begs her back, and doesn't want you to think that she left you for a jerk. Either way, it's too much of a headache and she could easily tell him to F-off, but she hasn't. So, as much as I like her, I'd still fade on her. Totally agree with the bolded and this goes in "con" section of your pros/cons list on her. Totally suspect that she is either not being truthful or has clouded judgement on him. And that means she would likely be susceptible to any little thing he tosses her way. Eyes open, my friend
Noproblem Posted August 4, 2019 Posted August 4, 2019 I think in all honesty that you are wasting your time with this girl. You gotta end it before you get hurt! You are trying to be casual about it but your heart will fall anyway, so make it quick and get out!
Author rightondude Posted August 14, 2019 Author Posted August 14, 2019 an update to this … a couple of nights ago somehow discussion of my reaction to the ex came up again and it made me really angry. So much so I couldn't mask my frustration. It wasn't even a contact from him or a discussion about him, something came up in regards to our previous discussions and how I handled it/reacted. I kinda lost it and gave the ultimatum, forget him and be with me, or I'm out. I was kind of cold about it which is not like me, usually I am not a standoffish type dude, but at that moment I was ready to leave this all behind. Which was a good thing. She revealed feelings for me at a super strong level (which I completely share), offered to block every means of contact, and told me there was no comparison with how I treated her vs. the deceptive treatment she now knows she got from the ex. That it is all a distant memory and there's no way in hell she would ever go back. Hearing all this cleared my head to a level it's never been. With this woman … geez, I've never felt just such a bond!!! with someone else like I do with her. I'm all in and I think she is as well. Wish me luck and I hope everyone experiences similar, even if just for a moment. 2
The Outlaw Posted August 14, 2019 Posted August 14, 2019 an update to this … a couple of nights ago somehow discussion of my reaction to the ex came up again and it made me really angry. So much so I couldn't mask my frustration. It wasn't even a contact from him or a discussion about him, something came up in regards to our previous discussions and how I handled it/reacted. I kinda lost it and gave the ultimatum, forget him and be with me, or I'm out. I was kind of cold about it which is not like me, usually I am not a standoffish type dude, but at that moment I was ready to leave this all behind. Which was a good thing. She revealed feelings for me at a super strong level (which I completely share), offered to block every means of contact, and told me there was no comparison with how I treated her vs. the deceptive treatment she now knows she got from the ex. That it is all a distant memory and there's no way in hell she would ever go back. Hearing all this cleared my head to a level it's never been. With this woman … geez, I've never felt just such a bond!!! with someone else like I do with her. I'm all in and I think she is as well. Wish me luck and I hope everyone experiences similar, even if just for a moment. Good on you, dude. I'm glad you stood your ground on this. The slight mention of a ex to me raises too many red flags.
chillii Posted August 14, 2019 Posted August 14, 2019 Yeah , same here man, well done, fantastic. With someone doing this a bit of tough ground doesn't hurt one bit imo and there ya go. She's laid it on the line and you heard what you needed to hear , great stuff l'm really pleased that it was such stuff that you heard, that's the sorta shyt you should be hearing. Good luck anyway , hope it all works out.
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